Last night, my wife mentioned that we needed to mow the yard. I told her that we could do it on Saturday. She then said, "I am going away this weekend". I said, "Where are you going?", and her response was, "To be with OM". I was completely devastated again, as she is so matter - of - fact about this whole thing now. <P>My children are going to be terribly hurt by this as well. She recently left to be with him - he lives 150 miles away - and only came back to stay because my daughter was injured. Since this is a long weekend, I don't expect to see her until late Monday night. <P>I am really coming to the end of my rope here. I want to make this work one minute and the next, I want to proceed with a divorce. Just venting here, hoping there will be words of wisdom waiting for me when I check this board again. <P>Thanks.

Ouch...<P>I haven't any wise advice. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. <P>How long have you been doing Plan A? Have you considered whether it is time to go to Plan B? It sounds like she's gotten rather comfortable leaning on both you and OM.<P>Maybe you should consider calling Steve Harley for a session or two...<P>I am so sorry you are going thru this...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{scanman}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Kathi<BR>

OUCH, at least my H still lies about going away for 4 days with OW. Is it better that they lie or not do you think? I'm sorry she told you this and even sorrier that she is doing it. I am considering plan B and will work on my letter this weekend.<P>Do something fun for yourself this weekend, changing the locks might be sort of fun don't ya think? <BR>Lora<p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited August 31, 2000).]

Dear Scanman,<P>I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think Plan B might be a consideration. She may need to see what life is like without you - period.<P>Cute idea about changing the locks, Lora. I thought about doing that, too, but later figured it would be a huge LB. My H knocks on the door when he comes over now, I guess that tells me he doesn't figure he lives here anymore. I thought about asking for his keys, but decided against that, too. <sigh> <P>Scanman, hope your daughter is doing okay. If possible, do something real fun with the kids! Have a game day (Monopoly marathon!), go to the zoo, amusement park, picnic, beach/lake/river, whatever . . . You all need each other!<P>(((((((Scanman and kids)))))))))<P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Hi Scanman,<P>In a respectful, non-confrontational, yet calm voice you make the "statement" to your wife that her going away with the OM will be humliating and hurtful to you (period). Please do not engage yourself in a debate with her or make this statement expecting any kind of response ... simply make it and make sure she's heard it and walk away.<P>I don't believe this is an LB, it can't be, you're informing her of your boundaries and not making disrespectful judgments, angry outburts, ultimatums or anything else that will cause her unhappiness. She needs to understand that you are NOT a buddy, you are her H and as such this is causing you unbelievable pain (but don't say that to her, Scanman)<P>I'm really appalled at her blatency of taking a long week-end away w/OM and touting it to you. I see RED when I think about her simply telling you this, almost like you're some person she just happened to be married to and happened to have children with. Please don't be offended at my anger with her. Sorry.<P>You make plans for you and the kids Scanman and go have a GREAT week-end, if you sit around and worry about all this during the week-end you'll have waisted a perfectly good long week-end with the kids, remembering that when you come back the problems are stil gonna be there and one week-end having fun isn't gonna make them worse, right?<P>I'm sorry this is so bad for you Scanman, you know you don't deserve this treatment.<P>God Bless.<P>Jo

I wish I knew what to say especialy have gone through the exact same senario...<P>All I know is that it hurts like hell...then the pain fades after time...<P>Lots of prayers.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Hi Scanman:<P>Having been through what you're going through I know how much this hurts and how disrespectful it seems.<P>The only concilation I can give you is something I read in a thread on the EN forum written by Sheba: <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So many people get caught up in "what is being done to ME" that they don't often put themselves in the other person's shoes.....If you step back and think logically for a moment - do you really think that your spouse (the person who you love/loved and who loves/loved you so completely at one time) is saying to themselves "I want to hurt my partner, I want to rip out their heart and stomp on it over and over, I want to disrespect them by acting like a completely self-absorbed unfeeling robot or witch".<P>Do you REALLY think that they are doing this TO YOU? Or are they more likely to be in some sort of conflict within themselves? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I really feel this is true. It is hard for me to imagine the kind caring man that I married years ago willingly causing me such pain. It's more reasonable to feel that he is under the influence of emotions he has no control of. People in emotional conflict often inflict pain on people they love. A child in a difficulty such as drugs or crime can inflict a lot of pain on a parent...but do we stop loving them...no...we try to look at why it has happened and try to find ways to help. The only difference here is that our pride is wounded. Try to look at your wife's actions in this way and maybe it will make it easier to deal with. Try to believe her when she says she's not trying to hurt you.<P>It took me a long time to get to the place where I could look at my H's disrespect and disregard of my feelings in this light....and it does help to ease the pain although it still hurts. And I still remind him that these actions are hurtful and disrespectful although it usually seems as if the thought that it would hurt me never crossed his mind...and it probably didn't.<P>She's still at home...that's a good sign...but at some point you will need to force her to make a decision about what she wants...she cannot continue to treat you in this fashion. Plan B? Are you prepared for that? It may come to that.<P>Please have a good weekend and try not to obsess about her being with OM...nothing you could have done would have made much difference...until the affair is over or runs its course.<P>Buffy<P>

I'm too new at all of this togive you wise advice, but I am in the same boat as you. My H is leaving for a week-long conference, and is taking his OW with him. I thought about just buying a plane ticket and showing up in the midle of the week as a complete surprise, but he is in such an insane state right now that it would probably result in a divorce. I don't know what is worse- having them lie to keep up a pretense or having them be so far-gone and bold that they can just tell you to your face that they are going to be with the other person.<P>Is your wife in a mid-life crises? I know that the general attitude here is that there's really no such animal, but my H truly seems to be having one, he is questioning everything about his life and life in general, his work, his faith, his politics, everything, not just our marriage. I really feel like I cannot "straighten him out" (which I used to think I could), and can only stand and watch while he goes through this thng. <P>It is very hard. My heart goes out to you. I have 2 children too, and this whole thing has them so mixed up. They love their Dad, and he HAS been a very good father until recently.I hope your daughter's injuries heal quickly and you can have an OK weekend with your kids no matter what. <P>Just want you to kow I am rowing the same boat with you. (This is weird, but the OW lives 150 miles from us, too!!!) <BR>

kam6318 - Thank you for the kind words. I am considering plan B, but I am not there yet.<P>Lora - You made me laugh with that one. Thank you.<P>KristyAnn - Game Day sounds like a great idea. I still don't know if they will be with me this weekend. She has asked them to go with her, but they have not told her what they are going to do yet.<P>Resilient - What I told my wife was that although it hurts a lot to know she will be going, there will come a day when the clouds part, and she sees things as they really are. On that day, she will remember that I did not try to keep her with me , but let her go, even though it was so painful. It will be on that day that she will realize what Love really is.<P>WilliamJ - Thank you for the prayers. Isn't it a shame that there are so many of us going through this suffering?<P>buffy - I really believe that my wife is SO confused and does not want to hurt anyone. She is just making bad choice after bad choice in her life. I still love her with all my heart and it does help to know that she is not really being vindictive.<P>cheerleader - When you get tired of rowing that boat, take a rest and float for a while.<P>Thanks for the support you all. I am determined to make this a happy weekend even if I am alone.<P>One last thing: My wife asked me this morning if I could come home early so she could get going sooner. I am not making this stuff up! "Hey honey, would you mind leaving work early today so I can get going? It is a 2.5 hour drive you know."<P>I hope this turns around soon. Thanks again everyone and you all have a great weekend yourselves.<P><BR>

Scanman:<P>Come on over and bring the kids, I've got an eleven year old son and he wants to throw that new football with somebody.<P>We'll do some burgers on the grill and play some tag football and then watch some crazy, yuk it up movies... <P>Something, anything, I am bored out of my wits and I want to have fun... I'm very tired of this mundane way of life.<P>I'm not trying to make light of your situation, but there comes a time when we have to start thinking about and doing things for us...<P>So... come on over, we'll have some fun and forget about the butt-heads for awhile.<P>I'm following Buffy around these days and dittoing her posts, b/c she always says exactly what I want to say, but I can't quite articulate it the same.<P>Ya'll Come!<P>Cathy

Well, she went to his house all weekend. She took my 14 year old son with her. My eldest daughter was going out of town, but she would not have gone, and my 11 year old daughter did not want to go with her. <P>When she left, she said, "I will be back Monday, or maybe even before". When she called me to tell me she had made it safely Friday, she said the same thing. By Sunday, it was more like, "I am not sure what time we will be home on Monday". <P>The OM took a special interest in my son, who has been quite angry with him, since they were friends before discovery. The OM went out and bought him a new skateboard, took him to a video arcade and an amusement park. When my wife called me to let me know that "they" had gotten him a skateboard, she was very quick to say that my son was going to pay him back, so no one would think that the OM was trying to "buy" my son.<P>The next morning my wife called to say that my son had "wiped out" on the skateboard and was skinned up from head to toe. He almost lost a nipple on this one. I understand that accidents happen and kids will be kids, but it really makes me sad and mad that my son was in the position to get hurt in the first place.<P>The weekend was absolutely awful, but my 11 year old daughter was a true comfort. We hung out together and played.<P>When my wife called me to come and pick her up (my son suggested that the OM drop them off somewhere neutral, where no neighbors would see them) I took my 11 year old daughter with me. She would not get out of the car, nor would she hug her mother. <P>My wife was expecting WWIII when she got home, but I had a card waiting for her that expressed how much I missed her. I had nothing but kind words for her. Since both of my daughters were very distant to her, she kept saying, "Everyone is angry that I am back". I told her that everyone is happy she is back, it was the leaving that upset them.<P>Catplay - Had I gotten your reply before now, I may have taken you up on your offer, provided of course that you are somewhat close by. Thanks.<P>This has been a very difficult weekend. I sincerely appreciate all of the support from the group.

scanman,<P>You're doing a perfect Plan A...<BR>...very hard to do...<BR>...but by doing it right...<BR>...you give yourself the best chance for marital reconciliation!<P>Congratulations!<BR>Keep it up!<P> <P>Jim

Can't even imaging how hard this weekend must have been...and how awful to have your kids in the midst of this...<P>But, YOU did great...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{scanman}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>