I need some help here!! Last night H came home from going to a wedding for friends from work with the news that he broke it off with OW. (they work together so she, 6 others, and H were all there together) Apparently, the wedding got to him and he decided that he needed to break it off with her, and that's what happened.<P>Now, he's been crying a lot and is very quiet and withdrawn. She's paged him twice and he's called her back. Says she's destroyed and her friends who know about the situation are out of town so she has noone to talk to.<P>How and what do I do to help him get through this withdrawal? He says he's not going to go to work this week so he doesn't have to be around her, and she is going to request a transfer to another dept asap. The company is very large and she would be working in a completely separate building with no contact.<P>Any WS out there---what can I do to help him get through this?<P>

First of all, thanks for the great news.. it's always nice to know this kind of news <P>I'm not there yet(as betrayed) and maybe I will never be so this is just I think.<P>Be there for him when he feels so sad, and ask him if he needs to talk about OW and you listen and be understanding. I recently talked to a guy who cheated on his girlfriend for 7 years and when he broke off with OW he was very suicidal. But his girlfriend was very mad(since OW dumped him) she wasn't very helpful and he told me he understood why she was upset but he was also hurt because when he really needed someone she refused to be there.<P>So only one thing I can say is, be there for him .<P>This is beginning of recovery and I'm happy you are there .<P>Meg

Your last line said it all....<P>"What can I do to help..."<P>The very fact that you are willing...is an incredible statement on your part. Let him know...that you are willing to stick with him through this. It won't be easy. He will have good and bad moments...hours...days...weeks. When they are 'bad', they will be very bad. Make sure you have a support for yourself. This won't be easy. Give him support...let him know how much you appreciate his willingness to endure this suffereing for the sake of the marriage...even though he is the one who brought it on himself. Give him space when he needs it...and tell him that there is no way you can help if he won't be honest with you.<P>There will be moments...where he will feel like he will die if he can't contact the OW.<P>And pray...pray...pray.<P>I admire your willingness...to get him through this. God bless both of you.<BR>

Listen to him and be supportive. I found I just listened tried not to give my opionion cause that could start a big LB. But its a step in the right direction.

Boy - do I identify with your situation. When my H confessed the A and told me he was in love with both me and the OW, my first reaction was "how horrible for you - what a terrible position to be in" And then he agreed to end it. Unfortunately, he also worked with the OW, so this was easier said than done. For two months, I watched him go through hell as he tried to stick to his decision, as she was pulling at him all the time. After 3 weeks, he told me he didn't think he could get over her, and wanted to move out. This was the lowest point - when I gave him my "blessing" to leave, he said he wasn't ready to make a decision and promised he would make up his mind within the week. 4 days later he told me he was staying with me. Was I happy? No way. I had seen him in so much pain in having to give her up, that I knew I was in for much more of it as he continued to try and get over her. It wasn't until she was transfered to another dept in a different location that he could really start to make some progress and go through real withdrawal. <P>All through this process, I really, really felt true empathy for his torn heart. I tried to comfort him, and encouraged him to talk about it, but stepped back when I could see that he needed space. My own heart was broken, but I knew that he was hurting just as much, not only from the knowledge of how much he had hurt me, but from his hurt over losing her, and for her too, as he felt he had abandoned her. It takes a very strong person to see the big picture beyond your own hurt pride and pain, to have the patience to wait it out. A spouse going through withdrawal can't really do a whole lot for you, cause they are so focused on their own loss. They may see you as the "winner" and may resent the fact that they had to give up the OW for you. <P>So other than sharing my story, I would offer 3 pieces of advice. Be as supportive and loving as you possibly can. Comfort him physically as often as possible (in all ways). Tell him you know how hard it was for him to make this decision, that you know he is hurting, and that you love him for choosing you. <P>Realize that the road may not be smooth - there may be some backsliding, especially if she continues to pursue him, and if he has to continue working with her. Emphasize how important it is for them to no longer see each other, and how contact at work makes his resolve all the more difficult to keep. <P>We are at 5 months past the day she transfered out, and this, in my mind, marked the true end of the A. Hopefully the OW in your case will accept your H's decision and bow out gracefully. My H's OW did not, and caused alot of problems for both of us as she upped the theatrics and kept trying to convince him he would be happier with her. <BR>I truly believe that the main influence in our success in survivng this A was my ability to sympathize with my H, when my natural instinct was to rant and rave about my own pain, how he hurt me etc. <P>Be on his side, show him that you still love him and want to help him through this. Best wishes - stay strong and remember that time and distance are the great healers.<P>

Dear Hurtin-<P>I know that this is the most trying time for you. Your H is miserable and in a world of his own, melencholy. <P>My H is going through this right now too, and to his credit, he is picking up his interest in the kids again, as a focus. I have offered help, talked trying to bring him out and generally have been supportive. It is especially hard when they say something that stings as the BS. They almost forget what they have done to us, they are so much in pain.<P>They must work through it, do not be judgemental, only listen and give as much affection as he will take, every kind if he wants it.<P>You have the good fortune that your H was the one that chose to stay, mine did not. He was undecided and the OW could not take it, and said good bye. So in essence, he destroyed "us", and then she destroyed "them." He was marooned, as I like to put it. He does not love me at the moment, and can hardly stand to be touched, but he is in need of comfort and I will offer it, even though it is difficult for him to accept.<P>I am not sure what else to say because I am right where you are, but that is my plan...

I wish I knew how to remain patient and supportive while my H is saying he doesn't "love" me anymore and doesn't know that he ever can. <P>OW was also the one to "break it off". H said her decision was firm. He stayed away from work for a week (she is co-worker) (he has that luxury as he is on sabbatical this year and they are both professors.) However, he then started going in to work and going to lunch with a group that includes her. <P>I have been giving him space and trying to be caring and supportive. He is on an antidepressant. However, I finally felt we had to talk about things. He said he just doesn't know that he wants to work on us. He had said he would see a couselor with me, but now he wishes he hadn't agreed to that. He feels that he loves her and cannot tell me what I can do to improve our marriage. He says it is just some intangible quality about her vs. me. He now says he senses she might not be firm in her decision to break it off. He is unwilling to make the decision to cut off contact with her and work on us. And yet he doesn't know that he wants to move out either. He worries about our son.<P>I had thought he was in withdrawal, but now I'm not sure. If he sees her daily, can recovery ever begin? <P>I greatly admire those of you who can be supportive and loving while getting nothing in return. If it has been H's decision, than I definitely agree that it is worth doing.

Thanks so much to all who have replied. It has been a hard day, but ok. H has cried off and on, but we have been out and about with the kids, too.<P>I just have a few minutes, so I can't reply to each individually, but Everhopeful---our stories are way too similar. We even joined the forum on the same day--scary! I am happy that he has chosen to stay with me and the kids, but know how hard it is going to be to give up the OW, and I hope that I can handle that, so for that I am scared. I also know what the OW is going through, and hope that she can also let go, so that all of us can recover and move on with our lives.<P>She has paged him 4 times today, and tomorrow at work, who knows what will happen. I just hope that she doesn't have the power and control to change his mind.<P>I still need lots of prayers, this journey is just beginning!!<BR>

My H still saying that he doesn't love me, doesn't feel any passion anymore--that is because he was able to live his fantasy, be worshipped! <B>Reality check!!</B>--he is going to have to work on the marriage too, make no mistake. <P>But for now, remain neutral and supportive as long as you can, but keep him up to date with your feelings. Tell him that your feelings are hurt, that you are worried about OW-contact, just do NOT LB!! Honesty, it is important even here.<P>But I am also trying not to let him be totally self centered with his withdrawl, and forget what is the focus here, restoring and renewing our marriage. He has not agreed to total "Yes I am returning." But he is trying. And I am not LBing--I think. <P>B

Hurting -<P>I have been posting all morning, and it seems like on this very topic. If you want, you can do a search on my username and read some of my previous posts.<P>Weddings are tough . . .I am a betrayer, so I know how your H feels right now. But, he has taken the first and hardest step - he has ended the affair and he sounds committed to making your marriage work. As a betrayer, I know ho tough it is to not contact the OP, then main point for him to remember is no contact. If he hasn't done a no contact letter, email, whatever, that's the first thing he should do. He needs to make it clear to the OW that he loves his W, that he wants to try and work things out with you, that you and his marriage is his priority, and that he can no longer hurt his W any longer by remaining in contact with her. This site offers good advice on sending or making sure the OP realizes that there is no contact.<P>If the no contact letter has been sent, or he has made it clear that he does not want to talk to her, he needs to stand by that. I think a good way to do that is for him to write her a letter (that you can read) tell her his committment to you and that he is sorry for all of the pain he has caused her - but their relationship has to end in order for his marriage to move forward. He can put it anyway that he wants to, but he needs to aoid her after that . . .If she calls, don't answer, if she emails him, delete the message without responding, etc. . .No matter how much she needs him, your H needs to realize how much you need him right now and that you are more important than the OW.<P>I know your H probably feels sorry for the OW - just as I felt for the OM. But if his goal is to have a long, and happy marriage with you, he needs to do whatever it takes to break all contact with the OW. At the time, I thought I was being heartless, too, but he needs to put things in perspective - she will get over him. The OW needs to turn to her friends not your H. He needs to be tough. I often wondered what the OM thought of me for breaking contact - did he think I was a b----, mean, cruel, whatever. But what is more important to me is my H and my marriage. Support him during this time, but your H just needs to hang in there, focus on you. If he needs to get rid of his pager, do it. If he needs to change jobs and can, do it. He needs to get his priorities in order - that's the best thing that can help him right now.<P>Anyway, sorry for the abrupt post, I gotta get some work done, eesssh, I hate this. Take care.

Hi, Hon!<P>While I wouldn't suggest this to anyone--this is what I did when my H felt bad about OW's withdrawal and major depression (he broke it off)--I became her friend. She had the excuse she had no family or friends go to. She wanted to contact my H and had called him twice on his cell (that I know of). I couldn't stand the thought of her possibly committing suicide and so I just jumped in hoping for the best. It wasn't that I felt I had to befriend her or my H would give in and resume contact - but I can now see that it happened to alot of people here! <P>While it kept H and OW from having contact, I was blamed by her H that I was keeping contact up as some sort of weird proxy. (Duh!! OW and H work together and we all live 3 blocks away from eachother!)<P>Anyway--my H sees me as a saint. OW eventually "found" some family and friends that she can talk to and get support from.<BR>As for our friendship, while she knows my hand is still extended towards her, I think she now resents it. Anyway, I feel pretty good about myself and my actions. <P>Definitely treat your H with love and if ever you're feeling fed up and would like to bash his head in and walk out the door, try to think of him as a hurting friend. That's how I was able to be supportive with my H - and also with OW--I just blocked out the fact she was the OW and just treated her like a jilted friend.<P> <P>Leilana<P>

Leilana<P>Yes that is exactly how I feel! The OW broke with my H this past weekend. He was crushed, I really do not know if he can stay away from her, even though he has lost her. I try to give him support while he goes through this, but he will not talk to me about his feelings still.<P>It is still long distance, thank goodness.<P>It still kills me that he is in love with someone else. I told him that the day before dday we had s*x and it was so sterile. That is why I was so suspicious the next evening.....needless to say, I told him how that felt and that it was so obvious. <P>You see I want to return to our bed now that the OW is out of the picture. I need the comfort too! It is not magically erased! I told him that I didn't want s*x because it hurt to be a chore. That other time it was "service the wife and get the f***off as quick as possible." He even admitted this was true yesterday.. Oh, Joy. <P>But I do need to reestablish physcal comfort. Am I asking too much? I know he doesn't love me, but can't we be friends? He may not feel the passion any more, but is he repulsed? I am feeling low as a result today. He said no to my request of returning to our room.<P>I just want to be his friend, one he can talk to and hug when he needs one. More patience(me). Honesty, for me, does not seem to be a problem.

Maybe you should tell him that you understand why he is not up for sex yet, but<BR>that you are willing to give lots of hugging and holding each other, and that you don't expect more than that for now, and see if he will accept that. Don't take it personally, cause you haven't done anything wrong - its just him. <P>Its so very hard to see your spouse grieve for someone else - someone else that should have never been in your lives in the first place!!!! GRRR!!<P>It doesn't matter that his feelings are not based on reality, to him, they are still real for the moment. When my H first tried to break it off with the OW, he told me that she would be OK, she was a strong person. WRONG!! At first she just became more dramatic at work around him. As the weeks went by and she couldn't change his mind, she became more theatric, called us hysterically, threatended suicide several times. She basically did everything in her power not only to convince him that their "love" was stronger and worth more than our marriage, that she was a better match for him, and that she would never be happy with another man, she would be unhappy the rest of her life if he left her. Does this sound like a "together" woman who knows when to bow out gracefully? The problem is, it just increased my husband's concern for her. <P>When I would tell him how hard it was for me to see how concerned he was for her pain, and hear him comfort her, and ask why he couldn't reassure and comfort me, his response was "you're not the one that I'm breaking up with!" Geez - this is just not fair, you know what I mean!!!<P>Anyway, if the OW decides she may have a chance by manipulating your H, there is not much you can do. It is up to him to stay strong and focused, to stick to his decision and reinforce it by telling her how it has to be. All you can do is keep telling him that you know how hard it is, that you are there for him if he wants to talk or needs comforting, and keep your fingers crossed. If it drags on for too long, or the A continues, you may have to make a decision down the line and take a tougher stance. <BR>Keep telling him you believe in him, in his integrity, that you know what he is going through, and how grateful you are that he is ending the A. All you can do is be the best, most understanding wife you can be, cause any angry outbursts just makes the OW look like the more attractive alternative. <BR>You want to be the shoulder he cries on, his shelter from the storm, whether it includes sex or not. Right now, its all about him and what he is going through, and unfortunately you have to put your own needs on the back burner, until you get through the crisis. Its not fair, but its reality. I wish you the best of luck.<BR>Keep us posted. <BR> <BR> <P>

To Hurting and burnedspouse,<BR> Since the three of us seem to be facing similar situations over the same weekend, I wanted to put my two cents in here, and let you know what seems to be working for me. I am excited to think that I may actually be able to help someone else after lurking for so long and getting such good advice from others. <BR> First of all, the absolute best thing, bar none, is that I was reading the MB material for months, and while I was waiting for my wife to actually admit she was having an affair, I was preparing myself. I suspected things 14 months ago, d-day for me was 6 months ago and she confessed just 3 weeks ago. The point is that when the time came I reacted to her in the right way. I was able to "follow the book" almost to the letter and she has confided in others that she can't believe how much compassion and understanding I have shown. Now don't get me wrong, things are still very uncertain for her and at times I know she wishes I had blown up so she could justify leaving, but she herself has actually thanked me for the way I have responded and for giving her the MB materials to read. <BR> That brings me to something that she says was very profound and that she (and I for that matter) thought was very good and is something that has really helped her. We truly made remarkable progress this weekend after I printed this and gave it to her to read. It is a post in the General Questions forum from March 30, 2000 and it is entitled "Help for betrayers who want to stop, but can't. It was posted by Brokenbutnotcrushed and is an excellent read for both betrayer and betrayed. <BR> It really helped and she has mentioned it twice since reading it. It of course is no guarantee, but if your spouse is in the right frame of mind to receive it, it may help as it seems to in my case. At the very least it got us talking in a positive light and she genuinely seems appreciative to me for giving it to her.<BR> We've got a very tough road ahead of us and I'm sure I'm in for more heartache, but knowing the right way to react, having faith, and finding little gems like this one definitely help more than they hurt.<BR> Anyway I hope this is helpful and I pray for us all constantly.<P> God Bless.