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Joined: Jul 1999
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lostva Offline OP
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Hi, guys! This is not a biggie, just a little tidbit for those of you who have to deal with contact with OP b/c of jobs.<P>Well, most of you know that Robert and PT work together. Met there, lunched there, dated there, etc. Yuck. And, since he's been home (working on 7 months - Yayyy!), I've sent him off to work every single morning KNOWING that PT was there.....also knowing that she was plotting yet another scheme. (For those of you who don't know, our little PT has been a busy, busy girl!). <P>Worried me a lot at first, but, as I posted on the numerous "working together" threads, it just got to the point that I hardly thought of it. He'd tell me her latest escapades and that was that.<P>Well, last Thursday, during dinner, he said "Oh, PT was back on the job today and boy is she mad!" Ok, now I'm completely clueless..."BACK on the job? Mad about what?"<P>"Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to tell you, she was really getting on my nerves with all her nonsense. So I talked to her boss last week and asked him to send her to another job if it was possible. He did. Now she's working an hour from home, instead of 15 minutes and an hour from MY job. Been nice and quiet the last week or so. He had to pull her in for today, but she'll be back at the new jobsite tomorrow. I could have sworn I told you."<P>Now, folks, trust me, if he had mentioned that PT had been transferred I think that's one little bit of information I would have remembered! <P>So, see, there is hope. I know, I know, no contact is best. And this way isn't fun. At first he was soft toward her and she got to him...he even thought about seeing her again (actually, they did have a lunch or two). Then, he wanted to be "friends" since he had hurt her so badly. Then she was an annoyance and finally, poof!, she's gone because HE got rid of her!<P>I never asked him to leave his job, not practical and I didn't think it was fair. All I ever asked was for him to be honest with me about contact with her and he pretty much was (not completely in the beginning, but he got there!). I didn't react, over-react, lecture, demand, nothing. He knew it bothered me, I didn't hide it, but I never insisted. And, I'll be darned, he worked through it all on his own and she is now gone from his jobsite!!!<P>And you know what, guys, I'm glad I did it this way. He did this, in this way, every step of the way because HE wanted to, not because I demanded it. He wanted her out of our lives, he wanted for me not to worry about contact and what she might do next. That means an awful lot to me! And the coolest thing was that he forgot to tell me! (Now Lori's really off her rocker, huh?) No, I'm serious. He forgot to tell me because, for him, she's not a big deal and hasn't been for a long time. Didn't seem like big news to him...he'd already written her out of OUR lives, she was just an annoyance at work. Isn't that neat?<P>OK, that's it. Nothing else to talk about now. Just wanted you guys to know.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Joined: Mar 2000
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That's a great pick-me-up Lori. I, like you, (even though we are no way near reconcilliation) have to deal with the every day thing. <P>But I think I decided a while ago, that this one was going to have to die it's own natural death if it's going to die at all.<P>Now, given the new circumstance, It cannot really go away for good. She knew that. <P>But, what a dilemma for my H. I'm sure he has to feel obligated at this point, but it is a forced obligation. Don't think this counts as a real love deposit.. do you??<P>I'm real glad PT is doing all of the busting!!!!

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Great news Lori, sometimes it is the things they don't tell us that tell us so much.<P>My H has work contact with the OW as well, and...if his office has to deal with her, he usually has someone else do it. Nice.<P>Even though I still feeling co-workers & continued contact make the possibility of recovery harder, maybe it doesn't make so much difference once the WS has decided it is over.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Joined: Aug 2000
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mar Offline
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I would like to say that I work with the person that I had an affair with and we both maintain our distance. It was mutual that we stopped seeing each other, our spouses and co-workers don't know of our affair because it was brief.<BR>Yes, it is difficult but with a lot of hard work and willingness to put it in the past, I feel it can be done.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tootrusting:<BR><B>That's a great pick-me-up Lori. I, like you, (even though we are no way near reconcilliation) have to deal with the every day thing. <P>But I think I decided a while ago, that this one was going to have to die it's own natural death if it's going to die at all.<P>Now, given the new circumstance, It cannot really go away for good. She knew that. <P>But, what a dilemma for my H. I'm sure he has to feel obligated at this point, but it is a forced obligation. Don't think this counts as a real love deposit.. do you??<P>I'm real glad PT is doing all of the busting!!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

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Yay, Lotsva!<P>Congrats on another step for recovery and peace of mind!<P>If you remember, we're in a co-working/living in the same subdivision situation. Thank God for off the wall sense of humor, right?!<P>7 months, huh? It's been only 4 for us. Guess I can be more patient. <P>Thanx for the update and the uplift!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Leilana <P>

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[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I need to email you....<P>Love Ya,<P>Bill

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lostva:<P>I agree it must be up to WS to end the affair and can't be forced. Learning the hard isn't the way to go. <P>Congrats!!!! Keep updating us.<P>Judy

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I think the fact that my H works with OW is going to make it impossible for him to get over her. She "broke it off", but they continue to see each other at work and have lunche together as part of a larger group. There has been no committment on my H's part to ending the affair and working on our marriage. He thinks that until his feelings for her are over, he can't work on us. And he is unwilling to do anything to help put those feelings in the past.<P>And now, I come to find out that he senses that OW is not firm on her decision to break it off. It was because of her kids, but she and her H are doing nothing for their marriage. So while I thought I was a the beginning of withdrawal and heading towards recovery, I am not. He goes to work every day with the thought that they could be together.<P>So what do I do? I've been doing plan A with no success. He can't even tell me what I could do to meet his emotional needs better. He feels it's just merely the intangible elements of her soul that attract him. Do I need to move on to plan B? Can plan A have a prayer of working in this situation? <P>Quitting his job is probably not an option. However, he is on sabbatical this semester and could make himself scarce from the physcial office through December. After that, he'll have to go in to teach etc...<BR>

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lostva Offline OP
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Hi, everyone!<P>tootrusting - been thinking about you, Hon? How're you doing? Yup, your situation's a bit different, but I wanted to tell you, didn't have a chance to answer your thread, what a wonderful job you're doing. Hard to believe you've come SUCH a long way! I'm really proud of you.<P>Lor - I think you're right, at least in my experience. Once the WS decides that OP is no longer a part of their lives, they just aren't. Sure makes me feel better, though!<P>mar - I agree with you. It does take work, but strong determination can win out. You were lucky it was a mutual agreement...doesn't go that way very often. Sure didn't in OUR case. Continued luck and happiness to you.<P>Leilana - hey there, Honey! Four months...not bad, not bad at all! You're getting there....us, too! <P>Bill - Yes, you do! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I want news from your visit too, ok?!!!<P>Thanks, Judy - you know, I agree with Harley principles. I believe they work better than just about anything else out there. But I also know myself and my husband. First of all, my pushing ANYTHING at first and he would have run like crazy! Heck, he was dealing with enough! AND I know myself. I would have always wondered if he WANTED to or if I forced him. I NEEDED to know he wanted to, know what I mean?<P>mcmp - your husband's right. He won't be able to work on this marriage until he is over the OW. That's just the way it is. Honey, you're asking him for what he can't give you now..or maybe ever. Heck, you may have heard me say before, Robert could sprout wings and fly to the moon quicker than he could fill out a questionaire or discuss emotional needs! Not his thing. And DEFINITELY not usually possible while a spouse is in the affair or in withdrawal.<P>Plan A or Plan B - it's your choice. Personally, I'm not a Plan B person, I continued plan A even after Robert left and moved in with PT! The whole time. <P>Honey, you've been reading this site. You know by now that all the work is up to you for a long, long time. That's the way it goes. Too many times, we cannot ask our spouse for help with this. During the affair and withdrawal, they're not capable and afterward, well, they're healing, too, and from more than we can imagine.<P>But.....one person CAN do this. It's harder, takes more stamina, but one can do it. Remember, Robert left, wanting a divorce, taking action to adopt her wee one, ending our contact with each other forever. Our marriage was over. Not hardly!!!! It's now going better than it has in years.<P>It's not easy, but it's possible. You have to choose what's best for you. Remember, you're pretty much treading water in Plan A while he's unsure or in withdrawal. But, slowly, surely, in his subconscious, it's adding up. When he wakes up....and he will one day - they always do....all those deposits will have made a big difference. Good luck to you.<P>Lori<BR>

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Lori,<P>Thanks for the supportive words. I guess I just don't know if I have it in me to keep up plan A for long. How do you find the strength to do that when you're getting nothing in return? I feel that it might be low self-esteem on my part to stay in such a situation. But then I think of the alternative, and I don't want that either.<P>Also, I don't know if I can do a plan A where I'm meeting the emotional needs that I wasn't before the affair. Sex was a big one, and he's made it clear he doesn't want that from me now (plus the antidepressant is playing havoc with his sex drive--or is it just me?). There really isn't anything else that he can tell me that he needs. I give him lots of hugs, cook him dinner,listen to him, and generally try to be nice and pleasant to be around, but I did all those things before. So can my plan A possibly work?

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HI lori [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>I'm right with you.<BR>H still worked with ow for a long time after the affair and it didn't really made a difference in our recovery.<BR>I know that other people might have different experiencies, but in mine, the working together did not prevent recovery.<BR>Hugs [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

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lostva Offline OP
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Honey, Robert was LIVING with PT!!! How many emotional needs do you think I got the chance to meet???<P>Listen, remember, Plan A is for YOU. Sure, meet the needs you can, but stop focusing on that. Work on YOU. Become the best you can be, not only as a partner, but as a person. This stuff takes the life out of us, become alive again!! THAT'S what Robert noticed...I rarely saw him, but he told his mom "I really LIKE Lori a lot now, she's still LORI, but better somehow." Now THAT'S a compliment.<P>It doesn't feel so much like a problem that you're not getting anything back when you finally realize it's something you're doing for yourself...know what I mean? This is NOT give and take, this is not "I'll do this and I'll get this". This is for YOU. And your marriage will benefit as well.<P>As far as how long you can do it, well, I discovered that once I changed my focus, it really didn't seem to matter...the time, that is. Growing was kinda fun! It paid off in so many ways, one of which was bringing my husband home again. Understand what I'm talking about? It's really hard to decide to just give and give forever without getting anything in return. But it's not hard at all to decide to keep working on becoming a better person, to keep searching inside ourselves for all that we can be. And, you know, once we start doing that, being nice to them is so very much easier!!<P>Hang in there, Hon. <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori


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