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Joined: Mar 2000
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Hello, all.<P>I haven't posted for a while, but I read often and try to respond when I can. Lately I have either been out of time or just plain hurting too much for everyone (including me) to post much.<P>Brief recap in lieu of the profile: D-day for a year-long PA was on 9 January 2000, shortly before my son turned four months old. I then found out about a slew of Internet affairs in March. In April I found out about a three year long phone sex affair. We had been married three and a half years. I am not certain, but I believe he may have started new Internet affairs. He is also mentioning another woman at work entirely too much. I have not pursued either lead because I am not yet ready for what I may find. Of course, I may find nothing. Of course, that is what I was telling myself a year ago about PA OW. <P>September is a big anniversary month for us. I have what was a quaint custom that has turned into h-e-double-toothpicks for me: I like to think what happened "a year ago today."<P>H's b-day is the 3rd--last year we went to dinner with OW (I paid). <P>My b-day is the 29th--last year H was gone for four hours, came home with a sweater for me and OW made me a pie. No cake. <P>My son's b-day is tomorrow (12th). H was on the Internet for most of my labor (I banged on the floor of the bedroom with a broom handle to let him know when contractions were starting). OW was the first person to see us (brought him dinner at 9 at night when the 30 hours of labor and c-section were over) and I had to ask her to leave because I was exhausted. H walked her out. Left me alone. She just wanted a hug. God, it hurts.<P>Our wedding anniversary is the 8th. A year ago it was the only anniversary OW did not share. Of course, H had very little to do with me. I thought it was natural for him not to be attracted to a nine-months-pregnant woman. Heck, I thought most things were normal. He convinced me I was over reacting to everything, but you know how pregnant women are. I still feel stupid.<P>This year I had a two week business trip to California the end of August through the beginning of September and I missed both H's b-day and our anniversary. There is a part of me that is glad. <P>I can't exactly describe what has happened to me in the past few months. He has given lip service to working on the marriage, and I think he has tried to lay off the fooling around. But he does not know how to have a relationship. We fight a lot, but he then tells me how we don't fight--"You just lose it every time we disagree." No, I lose it when he tells me what an idiot I am for disagreeing.<P>We went on a two-week vacation the end of July to the beginning of August. I did not want to take the same vacation he wanted. He wanted to drive. Two weeks of constant driving, from our home in Virginia through the south as far west as Arkansas (where he wanted to meet up with some buddies from the Internet, who were, believe it or not, actually guys). The policy of joint agreement did not enter into his world. I kept trying to get him to come around (the southern US is hot in the summer, and we were traveling with a baby and a dog), but he didn't. I caved in and went. <P>At our first hotel a piece of paper fluttered to the floor as we were getting settled in. It had a note from a female and a phone number. My stomach lurched. "Oh, there you are jumping to conclusions," he said. "It was obviously in the room before we got here. It must have fallen from the phone stand. Here some poor girl is waiting for some guy to call and he lost her number." Maybe. Of course, the paper was worn along a fold and I saw him gazing at it later, but maybe he was just thinking about the poor guy who lost it. Yeah, right.<P>We got into a bunch more fights in the first week, and then, suddenly, I felt myself "flatline" when it came to him. I just don't care. I think the hurt just became too much for me to handle and I'm hiding. <P>So I can't say as I'm a success story. I'm doing my best to add love units to my love account, but it's hard. He says loving things and gets things going...and then blows all of his "savings" with one love bust fest. I'm not sure how to break the current stalemate, but I'm also not sure I want to go one of the roads that would break the stalemate. <P>Thanks for letting me dump. If anyone has any ideas for getting out of my current slump, please let me know. In any event I would appreciate good thoughts as I march on through the anniversaries.<P>Best wishes to all of you as you cope with these hard times. --HBC

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<BR>I feel very hurt that no one has so much as said "Sucks to be you." May I ask why?

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Hi HBC,<BR>Long time.....and I feel for ya girl. <BR>This one hits pretty close to home for me my dear. I read but was actually not sure I could respond! <BR>Not even sure where to start.<BR>Your h seems like a philanderer or sexual addict? What is the his deal? <BR>Sorry if I sound blunt or insensitive, this is not meant to give more pain. I just happen to have been where you are now and wonder where my head was 18 yrs ago (your marriage time frame). <BR>You have worked hard on your marriage, but doing the work alone can only go on so long before some little voice tells you that it is time to get definitive. Plan a til when? What changes do you want? How can he show them? Have you told him waht your expectations are?<BR>You do have needs, and maybe I am missing it, but where is he meeting them? Nice that he is so concerned with others, but where does family fit in for him? Where is his respect for you? What do you two do together that you both enjoy? <BR>Hang in there HBC. It seems that the two of you are not communication real well at all, or someone in this marriage has a lot to hide? <BR>((((hugs)))) cl

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HBC<BR>You have reached out to a lot of people here.<BR>It sucks that you haven't had many replies.<P>I don't know if I can say anything to help right now but I do understand the anniversaries. I am about to start the two-year anniversaries after just barely finishing the "one years". [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Time does make them fade. I know I hate that word too. They are hard the first time around and I'm sending a big <BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>to help you just a little.<BR>It seems as though every single occasion in this family has been tainted in one way or another by the affair. Some I refuse to celebrate...for now.<P>As for your currents slump...sometimes we just need to distance ourselves just a little. Can you spend a few days just thinking about things to make you happy?<BR>Concentrate on HBC? Give yourself some small treats...one day at a time.<BR>Sometimes we get so caught up in "the marriage" that we forget about ourselves as individuals. <P>You are a very special human being separate from your marriage. This has got to be hard on your self esteem. Do some little things for you.<BR>Take care.<P>Wassi

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up to the top<BR>HBC are u with us? <BR> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] cl

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cl, Wassi:<P>Thank you both for your replies!<P>Between my son's birthday and the end of a test cycle here at work, I have not been on line much. I really appreciate the responses. It really helps to have someone listen.<P>cl: I wish I knew what my H's deal was! I think that he is still dealing with self esteem issues from growing up in a really weird home; however, he doesn't realize that he needs to work through this and move on. Thing is, I'm getting tired of trying to get us to "normal"--and I have a really broad definition of "normal." <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...doing the work alone can only go on so long before some little voice tells you that it is time to get definitive. Plan a til when? What changes do you want? How can he show them? Have you told him waht your expectations are?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree, but I have a question: How do I communicate my expectations and timelines without turning them into love busting ultimatums? <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It seems that the two of you are not communication real well at all, or someone in this marriage has a lot to hide? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes, definitely to the first (though the husband half of us think that it is only the other half of us that has a problem). As to the second...<sigh>...I don't know. Or I don't want to know. <P>You know, the woman from work that he's been talking about came to our son's b-day party with her husband and their two kids. (We've socialized before, so that's not odd.) Her littlest on went running up to my H and threw her arms around his knees. Is that a case of "kids do the darndest things" or "kids do what they see..."? I'm hoping the former...<P>Wassi: Thanks for the hug!<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It seems as though every single occasion in this family has been tainted in one way or another by the affair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Boy, isn't that the truth. And that pesky little ritual I started years ago of "What were you doing a year ago today?" doesn't help much. I'm torn between giving up my ritual and just dealing with it. May I ask for clarification on "refusing to celebrate" certain anniversaries? I'm trying to figure out how to lay low without causing an expansion of The Great Divide. I must admit I'm not looking forward to "holiday ally" which is just around the corner...<P>As far as your suggestion that I do something nice for myself, I have started doing that a little. I bought myself some scented candles and light one up in the kitchen every evening when I come home and have a beverage in one of the fancy wine glasses. Sometimes a glass of wine, sometimes orange juice and fizzy, but always in the fancy wine glass. I find that and a moment of prayerful meditation is helping me to refocus. <P>Thank you again for writing. I'm off to bury myself in work again for a while...<P>Yours stressedly, HBC

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HBC<BR>Glad to see you! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>I'm also glad to hear that you are doing the little things.<BR>I like to go shopping at the dollar store...you know, little candles, an ankle bracelet, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ...that sort of thing.<P>As far as the anniversaries...I have simply told my H that the special days bring bad memories at the moment. I would rather just let them slip by.<BR>August 9 was our 20th anniversary. Last year at this time we were a mess. I told him that I would just prefer to let it slip by and maybe next year or the year after I would feel like celebrating. <P>I am very calm about it but explain that right now it makes me sad to acknowledge these days. Make sense? Mother's day was the same. He seems to understand but insists on buying me something. Funny eh? Before the affair he never even knew when our anniversary was. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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hi hbc,<BR>you can tell him without LBs, but it takes a bit of work. First we have to remember that no LBs does not mean we do not get an apportunity to express our feelings or opinions! It is not a license for the wayward spouse to walk all over us. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>NO LBs means not to be disrespectful. So tell hi respectfully what you feel you need to see. Careful to avoid statements like "YOU", go for the "I" statements and what you personally want to see and feel. <BR>Make any sense?<BR>Instead of 'you need to show me you love me', try 'I feel loved when you____'. <BR>Make sure this is real calm and the atmosphere is good when you deliver the messages! <BR>No ultimatums either-that can get pretty scary.

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Boy, if I could just come up with something comforting to say. . .<P>I sure can relate! Were I living with my H, I think that it would be the same as the way you are living<P>Can't trust<P>Don't believe a word he says, yet you can't let on--that would be a love-buster<P>But then again, you would like to believe what he says, because he is your beloved husband, the man who fathered a child by you<P>Going through the motions of what should be coming naturally--some vacation!--yet you don't want to be a party pooper, so you try to put on a happy face<P>Trying to make forgiveness happen, while keeping it inside about how disgusted you feel<P>You were betrayed, yet feel no sense of restoration yet<P>You are tired of doing all the work to keep things together, while he is all happy-go-lucky and carefree<P>By all rights, you should be gone, but that would make the failure yours (?) because you killed a marriage (?) (But why should you be blamed when you were faithful and loving to him, bringing his child into the world while he was out gettin some? Don't make sense!!!)<P>Maybe I am glad that I am not living with my husband now--I love him, but I couldn't stand the sight of him. Does that make sense?<P>And my absence is PROBABLY letting him know what I am missing--but then again, he is most like trying to fill the empty spot I left. You never know. It's killing me not to know, but then, I don't think that I would want to.<P>I am sure sorry that I could not bring you any comfort, other that I can definately sympathize with you.<P>Be strong for you baby. AND think of YOUR needs, too. Make your self happy. This is not a bad thing, making yourself happy. You deserve this.

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Morning ladies,<BR>Whew....so many familar feelings! And some are not so great. <BR>Something just jumped out at me from both berzini and hbc's posts. The selfishness of the betraying spouses. That is an area where I have had a great deal of difficulty during recovery. You see, all 4 of us (hbc, Wassi, B, and myself) have a common underlying character of being the giver. We have allowed them to be the takers. In fact in my marriage I may have encouraged it! <BR>When h and I talk abt things, I still have to remind him that he is a taker....but he is trying to change. I often ask him 'how do you think that choice will affect me or make me feel?' This is not an LB. It is an opportunity for H to grow, for our marriage to grow. <BR>Of course there are days when I want to just scream....what the **** have you done this time! Yep, and sometimes it just slips out. LB? sure it is, and I try not to, but who is perfect?! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>


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