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Joined: Aug 2000
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Rick37 Offline OP
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In the past few days, I discovered hard proof that wife thinks she is in love with OM, affair is EA and PA (wasn't sure before). She seems to be scrambling to let him know this, and saying stuff to him like "I know my days are numbered, but I'll take what I can get...love being with you...I love you..." etc. This is very hurtful to know that it got this far (I wasn't sure how emotionally attached she was). I think he isn't interested in someone else's kids, and we have 2, so that may have surfaced. They have argued too. But she's letting him know she "loves him". Yuck. Throughout the same few days, she's told me a few things like "I missed you", wanted me to join a sport so "maybe bring us closer together". So I gather from all this that she is very confused, kind of scrambling to figure things out etc. We still live in same house for 6 more weeks, then she is supposed to leave.<P>I could really use some advice on this. What do I do next. Maybe nothing and keep Plan A, but I plan on telling her once again that I know about the OM. She always said just friends, and she mentioned to him that she knows he will soon tell her they can just be friends.<P>When is the right time to let her know that friends isn't a possibility...cause at this point she'd argue about that.<P>Should I do nothing other than confront again that I know about PA, and wait for more cracks to appear?<P>Should I step up my position that I'll be here for her (this is NOT easy...knowing what is going on...but this website makes me very hopeful)<P>Should I point her at some stuff on this website to attempt to show her that what she feels is a pattern and try to wake her up to that fact. Probably will disagree with that too.<P>At one point I thought of some underhanded ways of letting him know she is lying to everyone...would that speed up the fantasy cracks? Of just leave it be....I'm guessing I should just leave it be.<P>I suppose I'm rethinking strategy just because I learned more about the extend of PA, her emotional attachment, but also potential cracks, and her minor signs of us not being finished.<P>Is telling her I love her too smothering at this phase? I try Plan A but can only get so close as far as affection is concerned (ie. not much allowed).<P>I think she still hangs onto the thought that I don't really know, so I thought of reiterating what I do know, and at same time telling her she has finite time to give him up. Would that inject some more reality, or do damage?<P>Finally, when would one reveal exactly how you figure things out (we all know the various techniques). That would spark a nasty reaction, but would let her know that the "secret" is out....so far still secret in her mind.<P>Thanks for any help you can give me.<P>

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Rick-<P>I have no real advice for you, but rather a question. How long did you wait to give this time limit. I may have finally gotten through on some thread last night wiwth this question, but I need an answer.<P>My H is also in love and does not love me, he says, and is just sitting on the fence. His indecision hurts everyone involved. I am really sick of all of this.<P>Know that I will be interested in what others have to say to this thread.

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Rick37 Offline OP
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I have not given the time limit yet, as far as giving up the other person and committing to us. That is one of my questions too...do I do it and attempt to inject reality? Or just wait. In my case, the cracks are only just starting to surface. Lets hope for some other opinions.

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Rick - <P>Hey, thought you might be over here. . .I try to stay in the Recovery Forum, but lurk over here on occasion. I think you answered one of my questions. . .She is still in the house for another 6 weeks, right? For me, I never left the house - even though at times I wanted to move out, to "find" myself. . .<P>I think you need to do everything you can to keep your wife from moving out - I think it's easier to try and work things out if she stays. . .it's not impossible for them to work out if she moves out. . .For me, as a WS, it was hard, and I had my doubts about staying. . .but it was one of the better decisions I made during this mess - I stayed at home. . .<P>Where is your W moving to? Is it far from you? She says she wants you to be on a sports team with her so that you can "get closer. . ." If she really wants to "get closer" ask her to stay or at least delay her move. So what if she loses money on a deposit or whatever. . .tell her you'll cover that. . .but that you want her to give you a chance to make things better.<P>Keep doing Plan A while she is there. . .you have six weeks. . .You have a feeling that the OM is going to do the "lets be friends" thing - we've all heard that speech at one time or another. . .But the OM may not be strong enough to live up to his end of the bargain. . .I would let your wife know that you know details about their relationship. . .keep trying to get her to open up. . .If she "knows" that their days are "numbered" then why is she moving? Are you moving with her? Are the kids going with her? with you?<P>I think I'd hold off on telling her not to be friends with the OM - for the moment. The first thing she needs to do is to end the relationship and re-focus on you, and it doesn't sound like that has happened yet. I think you need some kind of decision from her. . .What is the reason for her moving out?<P>You mentioned something about your wife "lying to everyone" and alluded that she is lying to the OM - about what? That she still loves you? That she is moving out? That she no longer wants to be married? I don't understand. . .is it that her emotional attachment to the OM is stronger than the OM's attachment to her? Is the OM married?<P>I don't think it's a bad thing to let her know that you still love her. . .but emphasize that you are concerned about her. . .does this guy really love her - or is he just going to hurt her? Be like the best friend that you can be to her right now. . .have her lean on YOU for support (even though this wil be very hard on you emotionally). Anything you do. . .make sure you do it out of concer for her because you love her. . .you just want her to be happy, but that you want to be the one to make her happy. . .<P>I think you need to let her know how you found out. . .even if it was low down and dirty. . .I mentioned on the other forum that you just explain that you weren't thinking clearly, you don't want to lose her, but curiousity got the best of you, here's how I found out, I'm sorry about the methods I used, but please I need to know - do you still love me? Do you love our family? Do you think we have the slighlest chance of working things out. . .That kind of stuff. . .Soften the blow as much as you can. . .by being responsible for YOUR actions. . .and maybe she'll do the same. . .I think you really need to find out where she stands. . .Ask her if she is moving out so that she can be with this OM. . .Take one day at a time for th next six weeks, but do a hard Plan A, and see if you can't get her to stay. . .How long has she been planning to move out?

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Well, it's no big secret around here that I'm not one for "time limits" so I'm just gonna walk away from that one.<P>SKM has some great advice....one thing I'd add though. If you do think it's ok to ask all the questions that are in the last paragraph (it wasn't, absolutely positively WASN'T ok in our case) then do so. But think hard about it. Her answers to those "how do you feel about us" questions could very well change from one hour to the next. If you happen to hit her on a "I've never loved him like OM" hour, the answers will be difficult for you to hear AND, once she says them, she may feel the need to back those words up with actions.....like leaving and filing for instance. An hour later or a day later after a great non-stressful Plan A day, she may think there's a chance. I learned very quickly NOT to pin Robert down to what his feelings were about us for a long long time. Instead, I focused on what MY beliefs were about us...what a wonderful future I could see for us, etc. He told me later that it was my faith that made him believe when he honestly thought all was lost! Just something to think about. Her answers to you may also (since you haven't been in this for so very long) make you feel like giving up when it's really NOT the time to do so. See what I mean?<P>By all means, tell her you know. Don't set her up to lie, just calmly, lovingly tell her that you know and that you believe you can get through this. Since it's still a "secret" to her, it's still going strong. Take the secrecy away and let her be...keep plan Aing...you'll be amazed at how the shine dulls once it's out in the open. Still a lot to do for you though, and expect some anger. No biggie...you can handle it.<P>Hang in there,<P>Lori

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Rick<BR>Your situation seems spookily like my own. Her affair is out in the open, and has been for six weeks, but it has not made it diminish nor made it easier for me. She continues to see him, but no longer sneaks around and lies, just says "I need to go out". I focus on doing things around the house while she's gone, wash the dishes, do some laundry etc., but it seems very hopeless at times. Like you, we are still living together, so she gets the best of both worlds, my financial, domestic, and familial support, along with conversation and affection and recreational companionship when she wants it, then she goes to him, gets more conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. I'm trying my best to be a star Plan A performer, but it's very difficult. I've gotten more information than I needed about the affair. Being told that she never loved me the way she loves him is heartbreaking. When I'm able to be strong when she's going out, I can see that it has much more of an impact on her than when I am weak. I don't know where it goes for either your relationship or mine, but I just hope that Steve Harley is right about these affairs eventually dying. I hope it for both of our sakes.

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Rick37 Offline OP
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You are right...very similar. Although mine isn't really admitting her activities and the affair. I think she thinks I'm bluffing to get her to spill the beans. Is yours planning on leaving at some point....mine is in about 5 or 6 weeks. I don't get any affection from my wife. The odd hug, but it is rare. I try to give her a bit, but she doesn't always want it. Likes to have a massage sometimes. I do all the housework, take care of the kids, etc. What do you figure are the elements of being great at Plan A, besides no LBs. I suppose looking strong and in control is definitely good. Do you get to do alot together, because in my case she isn't too interested in that. So I find it hard to do all the things I'd ideally want to do in Plan A.<P>Thanks for sharing your situation. I too hope that Steve is right, or that our cases are textbook ones. Oh, and I know that mine has told him that she "never felt this way about anyone", "he is so passionate", "he is all she thinks about". I can attest to the last one....cause she isn't thinking about the kids much. Funny though, cause I used to hear all the same things. I know exactly how you feel about hearing this stuff though. It cuts right through you. Luckily, so many people on here have heard the same things, and hearing it from the WS themselves who have restored their marriages really helps.


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