I read about the 10 second kiss, and thought it sounded like a good idea. My H hasn't been wanting to have sex (and since sex was a major part of the problem that led to his affair, that makes me feel like I'm not meeting his EN's), but I thought the kiss might be a possibility. You should have seen his face and whole demeanor when I told him about it. He was horrified and he tensed up in what I can only call fear. He said the idea of kissing me was totally distasteful to him now. <P>He had been staying home and staying away from OW at work (he's able to because he's on sabbatical) and trying to be "nice" to me. He finally went to a counselor with me, unfortunately she seems to be of no help at all. He did say he is not attracted to me anymore. He says he is just doing these things because he fells he owes me. He doesn't expect things to be better, nor does he really want them to I think. <P>I know the mantra here is give it time. I am giving it to him, but what can make the difference? He went back to work today and had lunch with a group that undoubtedly included OW. He wasn't successful in working at home, so he had to go in at some point.<P>Molly<BR>

Gosh, Molly, that kind of reaction must have really hurt your feelings. Remember at the beginning of the thread discribing the conditions under which the 10 second kiss( or any of the following chapters of assignments in the book) should be implimented. Look at them again. Your H is obviously still sitting on the fence about the decision to make your marriage better. When I started my campaign with my H, we established from the beginning that the relationship WAS GOING to improve in every way, or it was over. With out his agreement to allow "experiments" that might improve things, (such as discussing MB principles, 10 second kiss tactics, etc.) I would not have even attempted recovery. The first step was to accept that...<P>1. The relationship HAD to improve.<P>2. Changes on both our parts HAD to be made or it was doomed to stagnate and NOT improve.<P>3. We had to work under the assumption that "divorce was not an option" at least for the alloted time we agreed to work on rebuilding the relatonship. If I had kept the notion that "well, if these things don't work, I can divorce him" in the back of my mind, then I (and he) would have given up long before new patterns of communication, interaction, etc. could have been in place. It's like saying to yourself..If I am stuck with him/her and cannot leave, then I am going to do EVERYTHING I CAN to make it better than an "OK situation."<P> The fear of divorce, the fear of not being happy in a relationship if there is no divorce, will keep you from finding the happiness and love that is there. Fear keeps you from trying new things. Fear keeps you from revealing who you really are and what you really think. Fear is not the thing that should control your life. LOVE IS. To withdraw, as your H seems to have done from you, is to let the fear of doom and failure control his actions. Giving up the fear (and I mean literally to give it up, let it go) is the only way to let your behaviours be ruled by love; love of self as well as love of others. If a person has said that they will stay in a situation (ie, a marrage) out of guilt or a feeling of self-sacrifice, if they have resigned to stay because "it's the right thing to do." then that person has no faith in his own ability to grow and change or in the abilities of those around him/her, and without the faith there can be no positive action to make the changes necessary to get to the goal ( of marital happiness, or what ever.) If a person decides he should go to college if he wants a good paying career,and doesn't really like school, has dislexia, can't read well, would rather play ball or party, but has little or no faith that he can succeed, then the changes he/she needs to make to succeed,(fewer parties, reading tutors, etc.) will NOT happen and there will be no success. His love of self is controlled by fear of failure so he fails.<P>I made this up all by myself and it may not make sense to you at all, hehe. Did not read it verbatum from a book, but think the ideas probably come from several of the books I have read. Does any of it ring right with you?<P>Others here are in the same place as you, or have been, and I hope you can learn from their wisdom.<P>The bottom line I used with my H was...<P>DO we want to be "happily married? If yes, than we MUST be willing to try new approaches to our relationship.<P>If the answer was no, than why try?<P>If the answer was "I don't think we can." then why try?<P>If the answer was "I don't know." Plan A/Plan B (In other words, you have to do the work until a definate yes or no is reached, but you must expect NO HELP from your H. Not even a 10 second kiss.<P>Does anyone agree with this?

Pilot's wife,<P>Thanks for the reply. Yes it really did make sense and hit home. I think you are absolutely right!<P>My H feels he should give me a chance, but is unwilling to really work on things. I think he feels that if we have to work on it, it isn't real. I say I want to make changes and he says that maybe it's just the way I am. Especially in terms of our sexual problems, he isn't willing to work on it. He feels that if I have to work on it, my feelings aren't real, and he doesn't want any part of it.<P>Also, I think right now he's so afraid of giving me false hope, that he won't try anything. He's afraid that I'll read too much into anything we try. Whereas I feel like it's the only way to make our marriage better.