i need some help...<P>my H started going into this chat room full of women having marital problems and he ended up having A with one of them which spilled over into real life.<P>the A is over and he does not talk to her anymore, but still goes into the same chat room every nite for hours. he says they make him feel good about himself, but that is all, and that they are just friends.<P>we have been together for seven years and he has always refused to let me have friends of the opposite sex. at first i was upset, but i came to see that i did not have time for those sorts of friends anyway.<P>now he expects me to accept his new female chat room friends as innocent after he never believed before that friendship between men and women was possible without sex. what am i to do? he has no friends in real life, does not like men very much, prefers to be friends with women. he is also on zoloft and in counselling for depression...early crisis thing. if i take this away from him he will have no friends (remember he is very dperessed), but i am worried because of the A he had with one of them.<P>he says he has learned his lesson, and that he loves me, and we are now working on meeting each others EN's. we are doing very well at this, but i am still scared as i only found out about the affair just over a week ago.<P>help me please...what do you all think on this topic?<P>does anyone have a problem like this?<P>steph.

Steph,<P>I really don't think it's good idea for your H to go to this chat room and talk to women. You know many times A starts from "innocent" friendship. They start to talk about their martial problems and get hooked. Your H's past affair is exactly that. He says he learned his lesson, but well it could happen again.<P>You said he doesn't have male friends.. so I don't know what you could do.<P>Sorry I can't give you any advice.. but I think some people will respond you soon and they will give you some insight.<P>Take care,<P>Meg

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>can married couples chat on net to other sex?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>NO, NO, NO!!!!<P>Do not discuss intimate details/marriage problems with ANYONE of the opposite sex except for a professional counselor in a professional environment (a hotel room at a conference is NOT a professional environment.)<P>Look what happened the first time he did it.<P>Also, if it bothers you, then it is a problem.<P>You both have some issues to deal with. He had an affair & he is doing NOTHING to reassure you it will not happen again.<P>I would suggest you make an appt with Steve or Jennifer Harley (1-888-639-1639) and let them help you & h set up a plan to get through this.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

dear meg and chris,<P>meg is my little sister's name!!<P>seriously now, thanks for your replys, i know he shouldn't be in the chat room it feels wrong for me and that should be enough, and can you believe what he said to me when i asked him not to go in there? he said "thanks for trusting me" can you get over the gall of it? i can't believe he still wants to hurt me this way, but he is adamant he wants to continue, after all he said "they are only friends".<P>i just don't want to push him anymore, or nag him anymore than i already have, what happened to that theory about never doing something unless you both agree about it? i told him about this one, but he says that i am trying to call all the shots here...i think he is calling all the shots, so what's the bl***y difference?<P>and regarding counselling, he says that his current individual counselling is enough for him, and that he could not take marriage counselling as well! i am devastated about this as i need the extra help this would bring. i guess i can only hope that his counsellor might suggest it.<P><BR>how do the appointments with the dr harley's happen? what is the cost as we are extremely broke...H is not working at the moment.<P>steph.

me again, can someone tell me how to find all of the meanings for the abbreviations that are used in this forum...am i blind? i cannot find them?<P>steph

Steph,<P>First I agree with Chris 150% ! No talking to anyone of the opposite sex anywhere if it hurts your spouse. My h and I went through this a few months ago with ICQ !<P>Now to abbrivs.<P>OM = Other man<P>OW = Other woman<P>OC = Other child, referrs to a child who was concieved during the affair by the cheating spouse and the OP<P>OP = Other person<P>EMR/EMA = Extra Marital Relationship/Affair<P>A= Affair<P>That will get you started, if you need anymore explained just ask.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Maybe he has learned a lesson but he obviously has not learned ENOUGH of a lesson, if he is back in those chatrooms. He isn't just playing with fire by being back in there, he is pouring gas on a fire. Those rooms are so seductive, my wife got involved in big time trouble in those kind of rooms. You both need counseling to find out why he needs to go into those rooms. Take a look at <A HREF="http://www.netaddiction.com." TARGET=_blank>www.netaddiction.com.</A> It might help you get some perspective.

Dear Torn: I wouldnt suggest this because it is not very honest but I will tell you what I did. I set up a ficticious email account to role play with my H. We had done this before( me Tarzan you Jane type thing) anyway I contacted him and expected for him to play back. He thought I was some other woman. I kept up the image. I asked him insiteful questions and got answers that he would never given me as his wife. Some of the answers were very painful and scaring, but I guess I know how he really feels. He actually continued this net affair and was considering meeting. At this point I confronted him and told him I knew everything. I asked questions like had he ever had an affair, etc. I beleive I got honest answers but at a price. He did learn his lesson and stays clear of cyber relationships but I have to live with the scares of him having an internet affair with me. Hearing him lust after another woman was hard, almost like being in the bedroom with them. Just my experience.

Well...the obvious answer to your 'question' is "YES"...of course then can chat...just like if they were at work...or at a mall...or a community picnic...church, etc.<P>And the obvious conern I am sure you have is, can it lead to specific problems? And once again, the answer to that is a resounding "YES"<P>Whether it is on the 'net' or in real life, anytime a spouse would rather spend more time "visiting" with someone else, especially of the opposite sex, more than they would their spouse, warning flags should be waiving high.<P>I heard someone share an insightful thought one time, regarding the myth of the "grass being greener on the other side of the fence." In reality, the grass is always greener...where ever it is being watered.<P>Say...ever thought of logging on from another machine and going to the same chat rooms at the same time? Maybe you could 'reconnect" with your husband! <P>Remember the old song from the 70's..."Pinacalads"...great story there.<P><BR> oooops....just read "personal's" post...she had the same idea...didn't mean to copy her...might be worth a try though.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited October 03, 2000).]

dear deb,<P>thanks for your reply and the abbs, there were some longer ones in some of the threads i have read which i could not figue out, but thanks for your help.<P>dear neveragain,<P>thanks for your reply, i know we need counselling but how do i get him to agree to it, and how do i make him see that i am not trying to rule his life by saying he cannot ruin our marriage like this? he does not get it, or maybe he doesn't want to and is not ready to give it up in his own mind.<P>just lastnight i suggested these things to him and said that we both want different things, and that there is no need us continuing as we have reached this stalemate. he did everthing he could to try to change my mind which says to me he does not want me to give up. i don't know how to make him understand what he is doing is wrong. aaaahhhh!<P>Dear personal,<P>it is funny you should say "like being in the bedroom!" guess how i found out about all this? H's mobile phone rang home whilst he was with OW, and when i picked it up i heard them together, heard every little sordid detail, and i cannot get that b**chs laugh out of my mind, or his for that matter. he freaked when he picked up the phone to call someone and i was on there, probably sh** his pants. it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.<P>i can imagine it must have been very painful for you to conduct an affair between yourself and him....you poor thing. how did you get him to stop it?<P>dear lighthouse,<P>i already went in his chat room one night whilst he was out, and it is smutty, rude, flirty, and crude. i confronted him with this and he exploded and told me never to do it again. i suggested i go to another computer and be his flirty girl, but he was not interested and says he is in there for the friendship. hmmmm. my alarm bells went off when he told me not to read his emails as i would get the wrong idea, and not to go in his chat room as he wanted to protect me....please.<P>thanks all for your insight, lighthouse loved the quote...ta.<P>torn&broken

Torn;<BR> My friends told me to wait one more day but I couldnt hold out or bear the truth as to whether or not he was going to meet me. I confronted him by telling him I had read his email. He kept changing accounts to keep me from finding out, but of course it was me he was giving his secret accounts to. It started as an innocent chat back and forth but he kept to going sexual. When confronted he tried to deny. Then he swore to quit contact. Lied and said he had. Course it was me he was still contacting and promising to look me up, and I was the one for him. If he only knew he fell for me again. Pina coloda song shes right. We had another confrontation he lied again, looking me straight in the eye. She acccidently emailed me a letter he wrote, so I was again able to use that info. It became complicated. So I created another ficticious account from her husband and emailed me, (the real me). It was a soap opera but I believe he learned a valuable lesson. She has written him since and he has yet to answer him. She even went as far as to "stalking". That scared his pants off. Guess you cant trust anybody. <BR>My H has bumped his cell and called me by mistake, and yes I have listened to him at work with the ladies and yes I have heard that laugh, which I still hear and not to the same extreme as yours, I would have gone over to them and knocked on the door. Poor thing. Good luck to you.

Oh man, I hope I don't get flamed for this one.....<P>OK, I don't really have a problem with the situation myself, but I do chat with other guys....BUT (and yes, I did say "but") I tell my husband about EACH and EVERY one of them. If he says no or don't talk to them, I stop, plain and simple. I don't know if that's what you're asking or not.....<P>Darn it, I think I got a little mixed up....<P>If I misinterrupted(?) your question, I will delete this post.

Torn, although I can't offer any advise as to how to handle the current situation, I wanted to offer my condolences just the same. I am having the same difficulties with my H. He began an internet friendship with OW. About 2 months into it, he went to the town where she resides to attend a "career advancement class". He stole one of our peices from one of our collection groups to give to her as a gift. When he returned from his "class" he brought me a gift. Turns out the gift he falsely presented to me had been given to him from the OW. Hows that for sick? It took me a couple of months after his trip to confront what he was doing behind my back. After making every effort possible to meet his EN to no avail ( still couldn't drag him away from the computer!) I broke into his privacy and discovered the affair. I confronted him and informed the OW that I was going to confront him about their affair. He denied having anything more than a friendship with the OW. He agreed to cease and desist his internet participation with her and the forum board/chat they were both "moderating" on. What he did was change his handle and get himself another email account he thought I didn't know about. After about a month of watching what kind of behavior he was exhibiting under his "new name", I busted him about it. It's been a couple of weeks now and I think he finaly decided it wasn't worth the trouble it was causing him.<P>Best of luck in your situation. I hope your H sees the light soon.<P>Anna

I want to know what is wrong with talking to someone of the opposite sex?<BR>Just because you are married does not mean you should refrain from talking to a member of the opposite sex and it doesnt mean they are having an affair.<BR>I talk to both males and females in chat rooms all the time this doesnt mean i am having any sort of of affair.<P>if someone is using a chatroom for just to have netsex etc then yes it is wrong but not to just talk.<BR>

What I want to know is how you guys figured out their e-mail accounts so easily, and the names??? If they are hidden, and you don't know about them, then, how DID you find out? (besides setting him up)...need to know how to do it!!!!!! help!

dear bijzonder,<P>i have been thinking so hard about all of this, and have come to wonder the same thing myself! firstly i must say that the reason i am worried first and foremost is that my husband actually met and carried on with one of these so-called friends from a chat room he said he was going to for friendship only. but i must say too that neither of us were meeting one another's EN's anymore, and had basically given up...we'd gone past the conflict stage to the next one. now that we are meeting each other's EN's i am happier for him to go into chat rooms for friendship.<P>i believe my husband when he says he only goes in there for friendship. even after what he did, which did not involve sex, and only involved them actually meeting once. he allows me to see some of his conversations and emails now. <P>it is hard for me to trust him, but i have no other choice...i love him and do not want to take his friends away from him. my husband is depressed and in therapy at the moment for something terrible that happened to him long ago, and if he is getting any sort of comfort from these chat rooms late at nite when he can't sleep for memories of whatever happened to him, then i am glad for him. at least he is not out boozing up, or worse, killing himself. <P>i do not see that it is healthy for me to be worried about my husband talking to the opposite sex, but as i said in my original post he was the one who never allowed me to have friends of the opposite sex, and i could never understand this, and therefore was surprised he would think i wouldn't think it was strange for him to now think he can have friends of the opposite sex. am i making sense here? it is late here in OZ...sorry!!!<P>i think this has made him see that his expecting me not to have male friends was always wrong. i feel hope in the face of all of this crap that is happening to us. reading other people's success stories in here gives me hope that our marriage will survive this and become a better one than it was before.<P>thanks for your input, i have been thinking the same thing myself. i think it is extremely unhealthy for married people to think they can no longer have friends of the opposite sex.<P>steph.

dear personal,<P>thanks for your advice, but i don't think i will have to be doing that! my husband has opened up to me about all of his friends on the net, and i totally believe that is what they are. he even lets me sit with him and talk to them too! i believe too that his A with this girl was much less than i thought it was. <P>we were not happy at all in our relationship, and did not feel connected at all, and so i am not surprised he made the mistake he did. i am not excusing him by saying this. i believe he is commited to me now more than ever. the memory of what he did will never go away, but it was a wake up call for me if you like. i now know without a doubt that i want to make our marriage work, and my priorities are where they should be now.<P>if you read my letter to Bijzonder above, you will see that all is not right with my husband mentally at the moment, and we are having a really hard time because of that. i am finding it extremely hard to live with a depressed man, and to have to do everything around the house and for the kids myself. he is not working either and we are so broke...it is awful.<P>enough wingeing from me, thanks for your support.<P>steph.

dear yuki miaka,<P>that is exactly what i meant, and no you didn't get mixed up. what you and your H are doing is exactly what my H and i are now doing and it is working really well, so thanks for your advice it was really helpful.<P>steph.

dear wifeofleo,<P>you poor thing, hurts doesn't it? i am so glad i found this MB's site because it is so good to have found other people to talk to who really understand and really know. i haven't been able to talk to anyone from my family about this, and have only told one friend. it is hard playing second fiddle to a computer huh?<P>i am thinking of you and hoping all is well with you now.<P>steph.

Try looking at it this way. Try to picture your husband as your "baby" sitting there using a pair of scissors. Now if he had already shown he understood the danger of scissors and you could trust him to use them, you might let him but keep a careful eye on him because scissors ARE dangerous. However, if he had previously CUT himself with the scissors, you might have to take them away until he's more mature and it's safer for him to try using them again.<BR>What do you think? This a new approach I'm trying to use in relating to my spouse. Not as if he's a child persay, but as if he's someone very dear to me that I need to look after, proctect from life's dangers or temptations, or to help steer him in the right direction when I see him going astray. I came to this perspective after repling on Personal's original post in "Other Topics; Desperatly need creative minds...", where another member, ilmf, became engaged on that topic. We wondered if Personal even checked that posting anymore, but I have since moved our discussion to a new topic "Gereral Questions; Our spouse as our Baby??"<BR>Any feedback would be helpful, seeing how this approach seems to make it easier for me to be sympathetic to my H as well as being able to make decissions better on how to handle things. <BR>If your H's A was not related to the net, I would let him continue but I would monitor it very closely. How would we feel if they wanted to take away the support that we all find here?? However, since the A was related to the Net, it needs to be taken away from him for now.<BR>My discovery is recent like yours is and with the pain so fresh, it's hard to keep perspective on things. I wish you comfort and patience during your time of need.<BR>FS<p>[This message has been edited by FeelingStupid (edited October 08, 2000).]