We had another counseling session this week. I have come to dread them. H clams up at home & doesn't want to talk about much, then he blurts out all this shocking stuff at our sessions. <P>I am sooo tired of the mixed messages. I was beginning to think that things might be fizzling out with OW because he suddenly started to show an interest in building our next home, he signed up for some life insurance with me as the beneficiary, & he just seemed to be more like his old self.<P>Then, in counseling, he brought up the 'D' word, rambled on about how we were thinking of building a home but then said that it was just a "pipedream" because of our "relationship problem". Then, he mentioned suicide as a possible solution to his problems!!<P>The counselor does not want to continue seeing both of us. She wants to see him alone next time. He had an appointment with the psychiatrist the next day, & I noticed the dosage for his antidepressant has been increased. And, the doctor has added another drug to his regimine!<P>After our meeting, we had dinner out. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he replied, "I don't want anything right now". When we got home, he was very attentive towards me. I asked him if he felt like he was projecting his negative feelings towards his mother onto me. He said, "Yes", then said "Poor you". Since I've known him he's always had a very painful and turbulent relationship with his mother.<P>I feel so lost and lonely and confused. I don't know if OW is really the problem, or just a symptom of a bigger problem for him. On one hand, I feel like I should solve his anguish for him and simply leave. But, on the other, I am very fearful that he might just try to take his life. Some days I am really afraid of what I might come home to. The past eighteen months he's acted so irrationally, and compulsively. My friends whom I've confided in are worried about me. I haven't told my family about any of this latest stuff because they are 1500 miles away and they would worry themselves sick over it.<P>Has anyone else ever felt that their spouse has a mental problem. And that the affair is a symptom of a bigger problem? How did you handle it?? <P>

Well Sidney, sounds more like a MLC or mid life depression. I tend to thing the OW is just a symptom of a bigger problem. <P>There are pretty distinct stages in a ML reevaluation. Denial at getting older, anger, a one more time stage in which they try on different cloths, gods, "wifes" to live it one more time....depression and then acceptance. I think I read somewhere that suicide (also done via drinking) is prevalent (well maybe not prevalent, but thought about) during a MLC.<P>It's good that he is seeing a dr. and on meds. You might want to get a copy of the book "men in Mid Life Crisis" by Jim Conway. He gives a great description and some very useful info for the people dealing with the fall out!!!

I would feel better if they did come for my H. He's irrational...he's either sleeping or eating and this is from a man who before watched every morsel that went into his mouth and exercised five times per week. Yes he's on anti depressant medication and has been for months.<P> Everything I do is wrong-talk too soft/talk too loud, clean the house too much/don't do anything, says to not call him at work/mad because I don't call him at work, doesn't want me to go to ballgames/comes home mad because I didn't go to ballgame, everything is blown way out of proportion. When we make comparable "mistakes" mine are so much worse.<BR>Now he and our daughter have developed a hatred for each other and I'm in the middle.<BR>He needs help and I can't help him.

Thanks, TT. I will get the book. I really, really need some help in how I am supposed to deal with all of this. The hardest part is that I just cannot believe anything he says. He's constantly reversing himself. One thing he's said many times to me is "I can't make you happy". When I ask him to clarify, he says stuff like, "I can't give you a nice home, love you (which means being intimate), give you a stable life." Then he says that he's not complete without me, that I'm his link to reality. I'm seeing a counselor by myself and she seems to think that I should try to "ride it out" for now.<P>Hi Am Hurt. Sounds like we're both living the same nightmare. I can sure relate about things getting blown out of proportion. One day, I was a little late getting out of work and got home about 10 minutes later than normal. When I walked in the door, he blurted out, "You're late!" Yet, he seems to think it's perfectly okay to just leave me a vague note, then disappear for days at a time. You're right in that their problem(s) are way, way beyond our abilitiy to help. My H has been on meds for several months now with very little improvement. Now he's taking four different drugs! I'm beginning to wonder if the medical profession is even capable of helping him.

Hi, Sidney<P>I agree with tt, the affair is just a symptom of a much larger problem. I also agree with your counselor. I know it's hard and I know you've been through a lot, but there's something big here.<P>Maybe it would ease his mind just a little when he makes the statement that he "cannot make you happy", that you agree with him, because it is indeed true. He can do things that allow you to find happiness, but he really can't make you happy. It appears that that is one of the things stressing him right now.<P>Are you absolutely sure he is taking the meds or taking them with regularity?? If so, I would think he needs something different. He is definitely very depressed.<P>As to the reaction when you were late, remember that whether it's depression, a MLC or just a plain affair, "do as I say, not as I do" is the rule of the day. My wife has actually had the gall to tell me I have no reason to distrust her, but that she doesn't trust me!! Go figure...<P>Love you and lots of hugs,<BR>DeWayne

Hi Sidney,<P>Not sure if I have ever replied to you. Have been following your story.<P>I know what you are going through. Tony does the same things. He yells and screams at me if he does not get his way. He threatens suicide all the time. I have found him a therapist and I even help pay for it. But he is not happy with that either. Tony was on Proxac but would not take it everyday like he needs to.<P>I am sorry I wish I could give you wisdom on how to handle this. I have no idea how to handle Tony's emotional outbursts and anger. Tony is so angry it just radiates out of his body. <P>I am at a point where I need to worry about me. I told Tony that if he does not change and improve than I want him to move out. This is causing so much stress on my well being. I can not ride out the tide anymore because I am getting to the point where I am affraid that this is the way he will be for the rest of his life. <P>I am sorry not to dump on your thread. But you will have to decide ultimatly what you can and can not live with. What does the therapist and doctores think that are treating your H? Do they see a end in sight or not? How much can you live with? What behavior from your H can you not deal with? Is he willing to work on this at all?<P>I find myself getting close and closer to the end of my rope. You have to decide what you can do or want to do for this relationship.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Sidney}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi DeWayne,<P>Thanks for the reply and your hugs too! Yes, I must say to his credit that he is making all his doctor appointments, having the tests done that they suggest, and he's taking the medication regularly. I've seen a tiny bit of improvement in his morale, but it isn't steady or ongoing. He seems to be aware that there is something wrong with him, and he is trying to get it resolved. If that wasn't so, I really don't think I would have stayed with him. I do think that he is having a MAJOR, major MLC. He's never been spiritual, and I think a lot of this is because he's getting older and he's absolutely terrified of dying. And, it's compounded with the fact that he's carrying around a 500# sack of guilt. You have a very good point in telling him that he's right about not making me happy- it's something I must do. I'll try to remember that one!<P>Hi Pahakissa,<P>You make some very valid points. I am and have been trying to stay focused on me and my needs because it's so easy to get sucked down into their vortex of despair. Right now, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I did meet with his psychiatrist and asked him about a prognosis. The doctor told me that he felt it was positive, and that once he got his brain chemicals stabilized, he could probably go off the drugs. That was reassurring. But, as you know, it's so hard to hang on when you see no, or very little signs of improvement. Thank you for your thoughts, and I will say an extra prayer for you tonight.

Yes, I too wonder if the affair is the result of other problems, or if his depression is just over the loss of OW. I think it is a kind of MLC although my H is only 39. Luckily, he doesn't yell or anything. However, he still has moments when I feel he is acting irrationally.<P>My H was put on Paxil which helped. He had some side effects and was switched to Wellbutrin. However, that is not working. I think he preferred the Paxil even witht the side effects. <P>And then on top of this, he is still totally in love with OW. Even if the Affair was brought on by depression and a MLC, he may be the sort who can't give up those feelings and for whom those feelings will last longer than most.

Hi Sidney,<P>Thanks for the prayers. I will pray for you as well.

Hi MCMP,<P>I really think that my H wants to recommit to our relationship, but can't for a number of reasons. His whole self concept was destroyed (a man with integrity) when he succumbed to the affair, and he's having an incredibly difficult time in working through the guilt. When he's around me, he sees a reflection of himself as a "betrayer", but when he's around OW he sees himself as a knight in shining armor. She used him as a way of exiting her marriage, but I'm sure that he sees it as his fault that her marriage broke up. So, he's very guilty for what he's done to me, AND he can't bring himself to abandon her and then suffer more guilt. Then, there is his ego. OW is 23 years younger than him, and she represents his "youth". By giving her up, he would have to come to grips with the fact that he is getting older. And, this truly terrifies him. He was very careful to not let their relationship progress past the infatuation/fantasy stage. Therefore, his lovebank for her will always remain high and she has very little opportunity to make withdrawals. I, on the other hand, have to deal with the day to day horrors of his illness. It's the not knowing what to expect that is so nerve wracking. Every day as I'm driving home from work, I mentally brace myself for a number of possibilities-- find the house half emptied again as he's decided to leave once again, find another vague note saying that he's leaving town for a few days, or find his body on the floor with a bullet in his head. Yesterday, I found that he had clipped a rose from our garden and put it in a vase, leaving it next to my bathroom sink. Then, today, he was talking about styles and floorplans for the home he called a "pipedream" in our counseling session. I've learned to take what he says and does with a grain of salt. If nothing else, this ordeal has taught me to live in the present.<P>Hi Pahakissa,<P>Hope you are having a splendid Saturday. It's raining here, but very appreciated because we've just had a very long dry spell.