We have been married almost 18 yrs and it wasn't 6 months before I heard things about other women. I have found things, been told even more from other women, he failed a lie detector test ect.ect. I helped him through school, gave up any career and don't want to have to share my kids summers, holiday, ect. My parent are gone and I have one brother. I want to be good parents to my kids. The youngest is in 8th grade now. Is it possible to live as a team to raise the kids but not as a couple? Everything is his way. I thought a separation years ago would give us a break. If an agreement can be made to be parents and a quasi family can it be done? I have no desire to work it out. I am always the one in therapy and the bad guy. Please help. I don't want to struggle out on my own but don't know which will be more of a struggle. Help!!!!

Hi Sheila,<P>I do know a couple that took this route, and it's working out really well for them. I think the trick is...you really can't be in love with the person anymore. Neither one of these people mind at all when the other dates. They have a system that works for them, but boy, I don't think I could handle it.<P>I hope you can figure out something that works for you, but don't settle...maybe if you and your husband do some work you won't have to settle for this kind of life. Have you done the reading reccommended here? I've seen this stuff work many times here, but you have to be very dedicated to pull it off.<P>Keep posting,<P>allison<P>

<BR>Welcome Sheila:<P>My first thought after reading your post is "Why?"<P>Why would you want a marriage like this? <P>There are so many lonely people out there looking for someone to love...why stay with someone you either can't or don't love anymore...even for the sake of the kids. What a waste of your life. Don't you deserve happiness? Why settle for so little?<P>On the other hand, why come here and ask the question at all...why are you here at Marriagebuilders where so many are trying to bebuild their lost loves? Perhaps somewhere deep inside you there is still some hope...hope that somehow this can all be fixed. I don't know...only you can decide that...but please stay here long enough to become acquainted with the MB principles...maybe this could turn out to be the last chance to fix your marriage.<BR> <BR>Please get us more information so that we can give you what help we can.<P>Faye<BR>

I have often asked myself this same question. And I agree with allison. It can only work if you are no longer in love with each other. If you are it will only be more difficult.<P>I have thought about doing this. In order for us to keep the home we just bought and to keep the secret from friends and family until we have enough money or equity to be on our own individually. But I know my love runs to deep and that it will be a long time before I would be able to see my H date again. And the truth is I keep hoping that he will finally open his eyes after so many years and realize the value in me.<P>Don't fool yourself. If you still feel love for your H don't torture yourself like that. Good Luck. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Welcome <B>sheila75</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Life can be good again!!!<BR>Living in a bad relationship...<BR>...because you don't now have the skills to make it better (even if it's just for you)<BR>...is putting yourself into a prison of depression.<P>Stay here...<BR>Read my <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P>Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Sheila,<P> You really don't want to work it out? Have you read the Harley info? Another good book is DivorceBusting by Michelle Weiner-Davis......YOU can change things without the spouse participating.Most men will avoid counseling at all costs (at least my experience.)<P> Why live in a loveless marriage if you don't have to? I'm sure it can be done but I personally couldn't do it.........LU

[QUOTE]Originally posted by buffy:<BR>[B]<BR> <BR>My first thought after reading your post is "Why?"<P>Why would you want a marriage like this? <BR>There are so many lonely people out there looking for someone to love...why stay with someone you either can't or don't love anymore...even for the sake of the kids. What a waste of your life. Don't you deserve happiness? Why settle for so little?"<P>For what it's worth: This is exactly what I am asking myself these days. Like Sheila, I am not sure I can love my husband. My situation is different though; I am the wayward spouse. The reason I was able to fall hopelessly in love with someone else though was that there was nothing in my marriage. (The lovebusters list reads like a summary of our marriage.)<P>But my kids are young. Financially staying together is easier. Family and community want us to stay together. There is no physical abuse, and actually, the emotional abuse has pretty much stopped now that noone has any expectations about anything. We are living more or less as housemates because I won't leave my kids. Although I was the betrayer, he has begged me to stay. I have lived an empty life for a long time, and half the time I am so sick of it, I want to leave even if it means disruption for the kids. The other half of the time, I know that I can do it and I just think that life sucks for some people, so live with it.<P>Nobody _wants_ a marriage like this, but it's not so simple. So that's "why" for me, so far. Maybe also for Sheila.

Cottonwood,<P>After reading your posting I felt you could be OW in my situation. The occupation is even right, but location is not. From what my H tells me, this is exactly situation for OW.<P>It is somewhat the situation for my H too, except that there is no emotional abuse and there is a deep friendship for me on his part. However, I think he would prefer to live as housemates and parenting partners. <P>However, I still love him, so I think it will be very difficult for me. And yet there are so many reasons I would like to stay with H. Do you think with continued plan A and living like this, the love can return on his part?

MCMP, <P>You asked whether the love could return on your husband's part. Obviously I can't answer for him, but the answer for me is that I don't know. I guess I'm here on this forum because Harley is so insistent that it can. In my case, I can't imagine it happening, but I kind of have to admit that if it did that would probably be a good thing.<P>My husband and I are also pretty good friends, and we've been married for over a decade so I'm used to being around him, but when I look back over our marriage, the attraction early on was not ever physical. He was critical and judgmental, not just of me, but of everyone. My response was to withdraw. His response when he felt rejected was to withdraw. And so it went. So I don't feel like in my case it would be love returning. It would have to be new.<P>Harley says it can happen. But then doesn't that mean that any two people given enough time and determination could fall in love with each other?<BR>