We must each answer these things for ourselves, but it saddens me that there are many here who have not been able to.<P>I have answered the whys to my satisfaction in my marriage. It was worth it to me to invest hundreds of hours in reading, studying, querying as I am a person that MUST answer questions or die trying. That's just how I am.<P>To answer this I had to understand him as an individual. I have also worked hard to answer what makes for a great marriage? This because an ok one will no longer do for me.<P>As I see it, and I only read this info I want to link you to recently, an affair is an addiction. He was at a very low point in his work, his home life, MLC kicking in. He could have faced it, or turned to drugs or alcohol. Instead, he tried to fill it with an affair.<P>It involves me only to the extent I contributed to his misery then. I first went to far with this and felt responsible for his affair. I now realize I was NOT in any way.<P>In hindsight I thought we had a very good marriage, but I see where I leaned on him thinking he was as strong as he wanted me to believe. He is a conflict avoider and did not feel free to lean on me.<P>Now, we are building something entirely new. I am unlearning my codependent behaviors and being an equal in this home. We now can say ANYTHING to each other (with respect of course). He can tell me things that he knows I won't like, but I want to know nonetheless.<P>I didn't post on the sex thread, but I stumbled onto something early in our recovery. I was always trying to please him in sex as in other things.<P>Right after d-day, I felt he owed me big time, and I began TAKING big time in sex. Not only did it greatly enhance my pleasure, but I discovered it was exactly what he wanted. Unlike us, guys like to be used! Making my world rock was great to him.<P>Here's the link I mentioned. I suggest you read it carefully. They have many great booklets also on forgiveness, being betrayed, anger, etc. <A HREF="http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb961/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb961/</A> <P>PS I wanted to add, this is not the case for everyone, that the WS was miserable. I do think it very often relates to a crisis of confidence. And he admits his misery ONLY IN HINDSIGHT. He put up a good front all that time!<P>His biggest affair almost since the beginning has been with his work. He is slowly realizing that he is a workaholic. That he thrives on the prestige, the chase, etc. That no matter how wonderful his family is, this will continue to be a struggle because of who HE IS.<P>

I hope this may help someone.<P>I must say I've found that my strengths do not lie in giving advice of any sort, but in helping to clarify the options and sharing any info I find helpful with my dear friends. I am, after all, an idealist-healer.

no thoughts???

Hi Schizzo,<P>I do think you are getting it. It also sounds like your marriage is finally becoming a marriage. Saw an old movie last night one of my favorites "Friendly Persuasion". THe music is sappy and so is the story line, but I suspect you could identify with the twists and turns of their lives. Who is the strongest, who holds the things together, who is the most devout? It all turns as the situation turns, and as you well know from your life, the answer is both. One is strong when the other needs support.<P>I see in your posts a recognition, that your H is like you. He has his strengths and his weaknesses. He has his fears and his confidences. You are the same. <P>You have also learned one of the hardest lessons. It is some much harder to receive than to give: your changing attitudes about sex and his about needing someone to support him. Once you have recognized that, then you can see how to handle so many situations.<P>You are doing well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Schizzo,<P>Thanks for posting the link. I have been looking for it for ages. <P>As to why Tony cheated. I am not sure he really knows why. I know becuase he is a selfish pig. He is under the impression that the universe revolves around him. (OK he is right now being mega jerk so I am not 100% happy camper with him right now.)<P>In all honesty... he is selfish. Has a problem with his self estem and ability to understand that what he does hurts me.

JL, as usual, you give me something to think about. I wasn't really thinking about us being the same at all, but in a way we are.<P>Paha, I've read some of your posts and I think you are getting strong for YOU. I'm proud of you!