Infidelity brings the loss of trust. We all know this is unavoidable, but lost trust then brings about so many other things that the effects just get broader and broader.<P>My H had an affair. Do I still fear that he will have another one? Definitely!!! Do I worry about it everytime he walks out the door? Inwardly!!! Do I think he is still doing it or doing it again? Sometimes.<P>This is not the only area that he has lost my trust. I can no longer trust him with my heart. I can no longer trust him with my future. I cannot tell him what I am thinking because I do not trust him to not react with anger. I cannot be myself and feel comfortable because I can't trust his feelings for me.<P>This has been made worse in our relationshp because of the habit he has of criticizing me and belittling me. He has a terrible time accepting any differing attitudes or opinions than his own. <P>If I feel optimistic about the future I cannot express it because when he thinks things are okay he grows selfish and doesn't try as hard to Plan A so the lovebuster flow. If I feel pessimistic I cannot express it because he reacts with anger and then the criticism and belittling flow.<P>Your spouse is supposed to be the main person that you can relate to comfortably, completely, openly. That was God's intention and an affair destroys that.<P>The Lord promises to not tempt us beyond what we can bear. He promises that he will never put us in a situation we cannot handle. If we cannot seem to handle the situation we are in then we must not be handling it God's way. That has become my motto and I try to teach it to my children as they struggle with growing up and peer pressure. <P>NOTE: The Lord only allows divorce and remarriage if there is adultery involved. He knows how difficult this is to handle so he gave us a very special way to deal with it. He understands this one sin cuts deeper than any other into the hearts of a person, and to the person's ability to trust, Sometimes, some people cannot handle it without separating themselves from the source of pain, insecurity and inability to trust.<P>Just a thought for those who feel guilty for wanting to give up.<P>Pray that the Lord guide your hearts and your actions, then let him do it, even if it means quiting.

I understand how you are feeling...<BR>I 've heard it said that being married IS<BR>"a soft place to fall"..that has always made sense to me...<P>Someone to go to that understands you, where you can be yourslef and talk about your hopes, fears and joys of the future...<BR>I think about falling into a soft warm cozy down filled bed with all the memories that that holds and realize I don't and probable will never have that again completely in my marriage....<BR>Our s have taken that place away from us and I hope one day we can find it again....but I really not sure we can....

I agree, I too feel cheated out of my safe spot. I no longer feel comfortable, or attractive, or safe to be down, or sad, or happy. To anyone even thinking of being "friends" with someone and can not openly discuss this friendship with their spouse, please don't even become friends. The hurt and pain of an A is immearsurable. It takes your life and security and just flushes it. ( how many A's started with just friends?). My H wants so badly for me to look at him like I used to. I think to myself you aren't the man you used to be so how can I look at you the same way. I look at him now and wonder how did the man I love and the man I considered my best friend do this to us? I just take one day at a time and pray that someday I will not feel this way. <P>------------------<BR>Janie

I wonder if it affects women worse than men, and not necessarily betrayed worse than betrayers.<P>He just made the decision to continue the marriage and expects that to be enough. He doesn't understand why I can't just make a decision to do the same.

TLL sounds like your ready to quit?

TLL:<P>Your post is so eloquent and exactly what I'm struggling with. I don't feel safe with my H - he's no longer worthy of being my protector of my heart!<P>I told him last week that I can no longer live with the pain and emotions of not trusting him. It hurts!<P>I've started using the word "traumatized" when thinking about how I feel.<P>One thing my H has taken from me is my ability to forgive easily. I trust no one right now and I doubt everything that's said to me. I used to think my being forgiving was a great character trait, but that's gone. I hope not for forever.<P>I'm ready to quit as torn as I am!<P>God Bless!<P>Karen<P>------------------<BR>~~ I will not play at tug o'war, I'd rather play at hug o'war, Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles and everyone wins! ~~<p>[This message has been edited by LadyK (edited November 03, 2000).]

I'm ready to decide. It has been over 2 years in limbo.<P>A marriage is so circular in cause and affect that it makes it hard to find a starting point. Someone has to act before they feel, but as it comes back around over and over there needs to be atleast some new momemtum.<P>I am trying to look at this from a spiritual standpoint not from an emotional one (very hard). The Lord expects me to be a Godly Wife. He expects me to give selflessly. He doesn't demand that I continue in this marriage at this point because of my H's affair. The Lord does expect me to forgive, but understands that the affects are irreversible. He provided a major exception to his laws of marriage because He felt it was needed for some people and some circumstances as a way to handle this. That should make us realize the magnitude. My H should understand the magnitude. If he were a murderer, a wife beater, a thief, a bum or totally untrustworthy in any other aspect of life I would still be obligated to stand by him and be a Godly Wife. But since he betrayed my trust in the deeply emotional area of sexuality and love the Lord no longer expects me to stand by him and be a Godly wife, but a Godly woman. I trully believe he would like for me to stay in the marriage and it is His will that I stay married to my H because it was his plan and it will protect my H from future sexual immorality that would be a major temptation if he were not married and could not remarry. But the Lord understands that this is not always possible. <BR> <BR>My H should accept that the Lord knows I won't get over this so my H should stop wanting and waiting for me to get over it. I feel that I could get over my lost love and lost trust by replacing it and therefore if my H insists that I get over it then I feel the Lord's method of divorce and remarriage could accomplish this. <P>The Lord does expect me to continue with my life in a Godly manner. If my H could be satisfied with me coping with my pain and continuing on as a Godly wife, then the Lord will provide me with the faith and strength I need to do this.<P>I am commanded to honor and respect my H. The Lord understands how hard that is after an affair. If I do not honor and respect my H then I am not being a Godly wife or a Godly woman. I can respect my H for the sake of the Lord and if I can accomplish this then I am fulfilling my command.

Are we married to the same man? My H has had a non-physical affair with a woman online. He has denied it completly, even though I have the proof in the ICQ conversations and the phone bill where he called her.(which he desroyed the original) I am devistated. If it had of been a real woman close by I could have the satisfaction of confronting her. With this I have no control. My H was my knight in shinig armor and my best friend. Now I have nothing. He is very mad at me for finding out, and won't talk to me. Keep your chin up and decide what you really want in your heart and follow through. I wish you the best of luck