I posted to ranman today and a phrase popped out at me as I described anger with the OM. Post Trama. <P>I am curious if anyone else has had this happen.<P>The story:<P>EA btwn W and former friend is over. Our marriage is healing (too slowly!!). A lasted about 6 months, been about 7 since dday. Like most of us here, I fought so hard, that I payed little attention to anything else...my job suffered, my friends no longer saw me, I gave up many things that were a thrill to me...going to concerts, playing music, building things.<P>During that time, I was focused on just one thing: staying married, and winning my W back. Now I have reached that goal and am starting to feel good again...recovery is actually moving at a noticable pace...I am reflecting more on what happened to me. It's kind of like being on the battlefield. I did what I had to do to survive, but now the bullets have stopped flying, and I am shaking at how close I came to harm's way. I can't put it out of my mind.<P>I am very very angry right now...not with my W, but with the person that created the facade of friendship and attempted to ruin my marriage. My anger was triggered last Sunday when I saw him at Mass. Seeing him reminded me of all the horrible, deliberate contributions he made to my misery. I have felt this week that I really want vengance!! I want him to pay with equal suffering.<P>It is quite a powerful feeling for me. I have never in my life felt such a hatred for someone.<P>It kind of boiled over a couple of days ago, and I ranted this feeling to my W. Bad idea. She feels that she is responsible for turning me into something I wasn't before the A...a hateful guy.<P>I cannot for the life of me understand how I can muster any forgiveness for what he did, yet I know in my heart that somehow I will need to relax about it or I will turn inside out.<P>Is anyone else where I am? Or have you been there and found a way out? Is this just a normal phase of recovery? I need some perspective on how to deal with this. <P>Bob<P><p>[This message has been edited by Dynamo (edited November 02, 2000).]

Bob:<P>What you are feeling is normal. Tonight is the second anniversary of my first D-day...and I am still angry and I still occasionally rage. However, it does get better. As time progresses the rage lessens and the episodes fewer and farther between.<P>I have initiated a lawsuit against the OW for personal injury. I admit it is rather satisfying to counterattack in the most effective means available...through the courts. Even if nothing comes of it, just knowing this is causing her some heartburn is like balm to my wounds.<P>Don't do anything rash that you could end up in jail for or cause disharmony. Focus on healing your marriage and on your wife. Having her prefer you and want the marriage is pretty effective revenge. Be the best husband ever and watch miracles happen.<P>Catnip =^^= <P>

Dear Bob,<P>It is only human to hate the OP and be angry and vengeful. I had many opportunities to lash back real good for my father (who passed away prematurely as a result), for my WS's deterioration in all aspects), for my torment, for curses and threats on my and baby's life, for the threats to our family members, for all the nuisance pranks, for the money extorted, etc.. because the witch wanted what I had and at any expense. And when she realised all her efforts were in vain, knived my WS....<P>So many times, I could have turned my anger into payback because we live in a small town and I had the connections but like my pastor advised "let someone else more vicious than you nail her to the cross" when I argued that the witch would continue her rampage and hurt another woman. <P>He did advise that "vengence is the Lord's" and prayed that God deal her swift justice for the horrendous hate and deeds that she did to us.<P>Would you be able to deal vengence like the God who made the typhoons and hurricanes? Give it back to God, come here to vent and let us lift you up. Cast the OP out of your life. Write a letter to get all the anger out of your heart.<P>God loves you<BR>weep

Dear Dynamo:<P>Simmer down now .<P>All joking aside, I will post a few excerpts taken from "Let the Journey Begin" by Max Lucado. These passages have helped me tremendously in dealing with my anger, bitterness.<P>I am now at the 13 month post d-day point. My anger "left" me approximately 5 months ago...and, honestly, it feels so much better to be at "peace"...I hope this helps you...and I'm assuming, since I read above that you attend mass, that the spirituality of these pieces will be "okay" with you (hope so ):<P><B>REVENGE IS A RAGING FIRE</B><BR>Resentment is the cocaine of the emotions.<BR>It causes our blood to pump and our energy level to rise.<BR>But, also like cocaine, it demands increasingly larger and more frequent dosages. There is a dangerous point at which anger ceases to be an emotion and becomes a driving force. A person bent on revenge moves unknowingly further and further away from being able to forgive, for to be without the anger is to be without a source of energy.<BR>That explains why the bitter complain to anyone who will listen. They want--they need--to have their fire fanned...<BR>Resentment is like cocaine in another way, too. Cocaine can kill the addict. And anger can kill the angry...<BR>And it can be spiritually fatal, too. It shrivels the soul.<BR>Hatred is the rabid dog that turns on its owner. Revenge is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist. Bitterness is the trap that snares the hunter.<BR>And mercy is the choice that can set them all free. <BR>Remember: You will never forgive anyone more than God has already forgiven you. ~The Applause of Heaven<P><B>DO YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR HEART?</B><BR>Perhaps the wound is old. A partner abused you. A teacher slighted you...<BR>And you are angry.<BR>Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited...<BR>And you are hurt.<BR>Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge.<BR>And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?...<BR>Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, fury, growling grudge...<BR>Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left.<BR>Remember: God forgets the past. Imitate him. ~The Applause of Heaven<P>And, because I always like to go out on a POSITIVE, upbeat note here's a passage that hopefully will help you CHOOSE LOVE:<P><B>I CHOOSE LOVE</B><BR>It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.<BR>In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.<BR>For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice.<BR>I choose love...<BR>No occasion justifies hatred; no justice warrants bitterness. I choose love.<BR>I choose joy...<BR>I will invite God to be the God of cicumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.<BR>I choose peace...<BR>I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.<BR>I choose patience...<BR>I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will take a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assingments, I will face them with courage.<BR>I choose kindness...<BR>I will be kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.<BR>I choose goodness...<BR>I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.<BR>I choose faithfulness...<BR>Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. My children will never fear that their father will not come home.<BR>I choose gentleness...<BR>Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.<BR>I choose self-control...<BR>I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God.<BR>Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control: To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest. ~When God Whispers Your Name.<P>Peace and Happy Thoughts to you! ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited November 03, 2000).]

I don't have anger toward the OW since my H moves right along to the next unsuspecting woman with each discovery. I have immense anger at my H, which just started today. It's strange you post about anger - I just started a thread on the In Recovery forums called Entering Plan "A"ngry!!<P>I did everything possible to save my marriage the past 9 months and I thought he was trying too. He told me last week-end that he really hasn't put an effort into it.<P>My job has suffered, my physical fitness has suffered, my relationship with my 2 boys has suffered and I'm fed up with being miserable (crying and begging to get him to change).<P>I didn't read all of Marie's post, but I plan on printing it out and reading it. I have much resentment and anger towards my H and I need to let it go and try to forgive.<P>Good luck to you!<P>Karen<P><BR>------------------<BR>~~ I will not play at tug o'war, I'd rather play at hug o'war, Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles and everyone wins! ~~<p>[This message has been edited by LadyK (edited November 03, 2000).]

Thanks for the replies. I do feel better after reading them.<P>catnip: Just seeing the words "what you are feeling is normal" gives me great relief. One of the joys in visiting MB is eliminating the sense of walking this path alone. I guess you also hit it when you described giving the OP heartburn...that is really where I am..I want him to twist in the wind a little. I can't do anything violent and wouldn't.<P>weep: You put another side of this in perspective for me. It is all relative. My issues, though painful to me seem pale when I read what you have gone through. You have learned to ignore the storm around you...I hope I can get there too. I think your pastor gave you good advice.<P>Marie: I appreciate those passages so much. "Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge." This is ME!!<P>I will print your entire reply and use it to help get me through this. Strange, there were a couple of times during this that I actually forgave the OM, and felt a huge amount of peace. Only lately as my mind has cleared and I have seen what his design really was, I felt outrage.<P>Karen: Everything we go though is extra hard, because we didn't agree to take on this huge job. Someone dumped it in our lap and challenged us to pick up the pieces. <P>I believe there is a positive in every negative, every bad sign has opposite good. I have hung on to the notion that I have discovered some really good qualities in myself that I didn't think I had. For me, reaching down into myself and pulling out strength when I thought it was impossible surprised me. Someday I may look back on this as distasteful, but in its own way beneficial to my growth.<P>I know that I will never forget...my challenge is to untangle the forgiveness from the forgetting and move on.<P>Bob<BR>

Bob,<P>I wish you the very best. I'm amazed at how much everyone on these boards have been through and still find the energy to get up each day.<P>I'm tired of portraying to everyone that I'm still basking in the glow of my young marriage (Jan. 28, 2000).<P>Have a great week-end!<P>Karen<P>------------------<BR>~~ I will not play at tug o'war, I'd rather play at hug o'war, Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles and everyone wins! ~~

Dynamo -<P>Have you just totally forgotten about my Holy Water idea? Anyway, it's okay to be angry, it's even normal, but it shouldn't last forever, because it only eats away AT YOU and causes you to be a bitter person. This is not your wife's fault - directly - but just as your wife was tempted and gave into that temptation (committing a sin), you cannot let this anger tempt you into becoming a bitter person. . .<P>Now, I know you are not that way, not at all. You have control over your attitude, don't forfeit that over to the OM - to anger. Don't allow the anger to control your life - don't surrender mental territory to it. . .laugh more, be angry less. So, that brings me to another idea - a little black ink on the miselette? Or better yet, the kneeler? Of course, I'm kidding. <P>I don't want to make light of the anger and pain that you feel, but refuse to let it change you from the good person that you are into a little monster of anger!!! Keep persepctive. . .

Thanks SKM,<P>I know those things in my heart....the battle right now is between my pragmatic side that says "it's wasted energy", and my emotional side that screams for revenge.<P>Once again, I have calmed down. What would I do if I couldn't vent here? <P>I do like your practical joke ideas. Maybe there is a thread here...how to get even in a "fun" way.<P>Bob