I wonder if anybody could give me good advice on how to handle a potential upcoming situation.<P>My W (WS) is taking our 2 kids to stay with her at her house this weekend.<P>This is only the second time that this has happened and after the first time, our 3yo Daughter made some comments that Mummy had told her about her new "friend" (OM).<P>This gave me the impression that she was trying to prime the kids to expect to meet him at some stage.<P>I am now a little wary that he may be there this weekend and will come into contact with my kids. I am naturally very unhappy about this as I don't want this %@!&head playing Daddy to my kids for the weekend.<P>I don't want to raise it before she collects them as it would be foolish of me to initiate what she would see as an LB when there is possibly no foundation in it.<P>If however, when the kids return on Sunday, they tell me that he was there, how do I handle this situation without further alienating my W.<P>Has anybody experienced this and if so how did you handle it and did it affect your plans for recovery?<P>Thanks<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

Harry - a real tough situation. Very early on, I told my wife that under no conditions did I want our 12 yo son around the OM. This was a sticky situation because our son already knew the OM - he is my wife's best friend's husband - so he and my son already had a very friendly relationship. Added to this was her continued denial of an affair (just friends) so she protested that I couldn't tell her who her friends could be. I responded that that was true, but I can tell her the character of the people I want my son to associate with - and the OM didn't have it. This was a calculated LB on my part, but it was reinforced because the OM's wife had already placed this condition on him about their kids and my wife. Whether or not she has honored my condition, I don't know. But my son never mentions the OM and since we don't associate with anyone in the other family any more, I expect he would tell me if he was around him.<P>Not the same as your situation, but this has been my experience.<P>WAT

HarryHat,<P>I'm expecting to come up against the same kind of scenario. I'm fearful that I'm going to hear OMs name too frequently after my wife starts having the kids at her place. I'm not sure what I'll do either, because she'll have the same denial of affair and the "friends" position like you mentioned. I've told her before the keep kim away from my kids, but who knows how many times she has defied this.<P>As far as I know, their affair is secret to everyone (so they think). Apparently he won't allow it to be public because of his parents. So where they see it going is beyond me. But it lets her pretend that there shouldn't be a problem with him being around. If I find out that he ever spent the night there I'm not going to be happy. He has been doing that, but they haven't been there yet.<P>I would just speculate that the best approach is to wait and see if OMs name comes up. If so, you can calmly mention that this is not good for the kids. It will be LB regardless of how you bring it up, but some LBs just can't be avoided as I see it. I'll be keeping an eye out for your updates to see how it goes, and I'll be anxious to see other responses on this one.

Unfortunately, there is not really a d*** thing you can do about what the non-custodial parent does with the kids during the visitation. The non-custodial parent has "rights"; the custodial parent has "responsibilities." The only real responsibility of the non-custodial parent is financial. Unless the OP is a proven drug addict or child molester, etc., the non-custodial parent can not only introduce the children to him/her, but can even leave the children with them. The OP can stay overnight when the children are there. I have been told by more than one lawyer that morality is irrelevant to the courts, even in states like the one where I live, where adultery is a criminal offense. <P>Once your spouse leaves, even if you have custody of your children, you, in large measure, lose the ability to raise them. Joint legal custody effectively means three people get to decide how to raise them: you, the WS and the OP.

Harry, Rick and Nellie 1 - I had written into our legal separation that neither spouse could have an opposite sex overnight guest other than family members,i.e., siblings, their spouses, etc. So I think this level of control is available.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited November 24, 2000).]

Thanks for the early responses.<P>As I said, I won't raise the issue tonight and I will just have to see what happens when the kids come back on Sunday.<P>I will post back an update (and possibly a further request for advice then)<P>Thanks again, your advice and thoughts mean a lot!<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

I can't believe the irony of this post because I made one today just like it. The only difference is that the OP is not only my wife's best friend, but also a woman.<P>I, too, have problems with this. The way I see it, this other woman has not only been involved in a cover up against me, but also has been misrepresenting herself to my kids who think of her as an aunt.<P>It's a tough situation. Especially since my oldest daughter, 14, could ask me at any moment if there is something between mommy and her best friend. I can't lie to her, but will probably tell her to ask her mother. If she does, I will question my daughter as to what the response was. I want to protect my kids and still love my wife with all my heart. But I refuse to keep lying for her and the children deserve to know the truth if they ask for it.<P>Although the truth may devastate my kids, it could in the long run lead to the recovery of my family once my wife sees their response and refuses to have anything to do with her new partner...<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited November 30, 2000).]

I went through this last year. I fought tooth and nail to keep the om from my kids. All it did was drive me near crazy.<P>A minister friend of mine pointed out that there was nothing I could do and that I needed to let that issue go. The harder I tried to stop it, the more determined she was to have it happen. I finally realized I was driviing myself crazy and backed off. The funny thing was she stopped trying so hard too. She started taking the kids when he was working.<P>My minister friend also pointed out about what would the kids relationship be with the op if the marriage didn't work out. Wouldn't you want them to get along as opposed to fighting? Really wouldn't you want your kids to get along with someone that they would be spending time with?<P>So I advise, keep trying to set boundries, but don't get your hopes up and drive yourself crazy. Also get ready for your kids to say stuff like the op isn't so bad afterall.Remember the op is trying to impress the ws how good he can be with kids.<P>Good luck and God Bless.<P>Bob

Bob,<P>Why would meeting the OP soon after separation cause the kids to get along with him/her better? I would think it would have exactly the opposite effect - the more closely the OP is associated with the loss of their parent, the more resentment they are going to feel toward him, even if they are too young to realize that their parent was having an affair before moving out.

Harry and others, well, was I wrong about my earlier reply that I didn't think my wife was having our son around OM. Found out yesterday that it's been frequent after she "agreed" to my request to not do this. In classic deceptive style, she told me her response was "I understand" which doesn't mean she agreed. What a b****! Any way, looks like the consensus is we can't do anything about it. In my case, she had to answer my son's question as to why Dad doesn't like OM anymore. She told him it's because OM thinks of her as his girlfriend. I see this as the opportunity to more fully explain what's happened to my son (12). My wife has told him the typical affair story that we separated because our marriage was broken and it had nothing to do with OM.<P>What's the view on obviously contradicting my wife's explanation. Will this do more harm or be good for my son. He'll end up confused.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited November 26, 2000).]

Guys and Gals,<P>I just know that this thread will be alive and kicking in 2 weeks and I'll be adding my name to the club, even though I'm essentially in it already....since there has been OM contact in the past with my kids.<BR>

Talk to your children.<P>You don't want to damage their relationship with either parent. You don't want them to feel as if they are the cause of your problems. You don't want to make your children the focus of conflict in lieu of dealing with other issues.<P>But be cautious when you talk to them. Some will tell you what they think you want them to say. Others will flat out lie --- or may have been told to lie. Mine would create stories, innocently, but still deceptive. <P>Watch and listen to them playing when they don't think you're paying attention. Talk to the babysitter and teachers at daycare and school. Find out how the child feels about the relationship of the WS.<P>If they don't have a problem with it, then you may have to drop the subject....even it bothers you. If the child does have a problem with it, then you and the WS probably need to talk.<P>My H denied that the presence of the OW around our D bothered her (afterall, she only turned 3 today!). He felt that I was telling her to say things. But let me tell you, that little has very strong opinions and she doesn't mind telling it to you when she feels the need.<P>Calm discussion didn't work. He got all defensive. Me blowing up and almost hitting him definitely did not work. But talking with his parent's did help. They talked with him and "in the interest of keeping the peace" he agreed to not take our D around the OW again. (Today will be the first time that he's alone with our D since the incident. We'll see how it goes.)<P>I'll take it in whatever form I can get it. Our D is happier; her play is no longer filled with stories of Daddy and the OW.<P>~ootf

Hi <P>Just a late update on this post.<P>My W took the kids on Saturday morning and had them stay with her until Sunday afternoon.<P>I have not interrogated the kids at all but simply asked if they had had a good time with Mummy and what they had been doing and where they had been.<P>Neither of them have mentioned the presence of anybody else at my W's house and I have naturally not asked the question directly.<P>So, for now, the issue hasn't arisen (I'm glad I didn't try and pre-empt it before she took them!)<P>However, I'm still nervous that it could happen in the future so I may be back to ask for more specific advice on this one.<P>Thanks again for all of the replies your insights are very useful and between us I think we eventually get to see all sides of every situation.<P>Thanks<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

Harry - sounds like you're in control and ready for anything. I wish I had handled my version of this problem a little differently. Keep your cool and expect it to happen. Good luck.<P>WAT