Pep,<P>Let me apologize if I came across as saying that I did not feel it was fair or appropriate for you to express your pain to FS. I'm not sure what I said made you take it that way. I have never said that here once to anyone. <P>Of course you have every right to tell him and show him how deeply and permanently (sp?)wounded you are. What I was saying is - don't forget the love part too. <P>It was my way of trying to elicit some positive feelings to come to the surface, and my way of letting you know how defeating it feels to the WS when the majority of emotion you see expressed by the BS is resentment. It's exasperating because as a remorseful WS, you are in tune with your spouse's anger and agree with it, but on the other hand you are trying your best every day to overcome that and see some happiness and light in your lives together. Sometimes it may seem to the WS that despite our best efforts, nothing we say or do is working. I cannot begin to explain to you how desparate tyhis feels, all magnified by the fact that we KNOW we deserve it.<P>Part of solving this equation is for FS to accept that there will be times when you cannot move past your grief. We have seen here that he already does that. The pain his actions have casued you is overwhelming. (Not that I profess to comprehend just how you feel, but that is one of my perceptions of it.) The other part of that equation is for the BS to try to find time when s/he can demonstrate and feel love for he WS. That's why I was saying in my other post about love FS... pull him close, etc. Both ends are frusrtating and painful, and neither side can really relate to the other. But your doing this together is part of what has made you so successful as a couple moving on and moving up. <P>You said it yourself, Pepper - you feel lucky to have a remorseful WS, rather than one who doesn't care at all or is reveling in the pain he's caused you. I was trying to help.<P>So, again, I am truly sorry that my post read that way. I would hate for anyone, WS or BS to get the idea that I think your resentment needs to be smothered. Just the opposite. I was trying to give you a "Pep" talk. (get it?)<P>Hope things are going a little better for the two of you today.<P>Khyra <p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited November 29, 2000).]

Hi Khyra,<P>I didn't take offense to your post. Well, maybe the comment about betraying firestorm by not honoring MY commitment.<P>But anyway, my point is that we are both human and imperfect. Firestorm IS sorry and he has great intentions when it comes to recovery. But sometimes his actions fall short of his intentions. And sometimes perhaps my reactions and emotions aren't as much under control as they should be.<P>I know that many betrayers suffer terrible pain because of the actions they chose, and it is a kind of pain I can't comprehend. Just as someone who has not been betrayed cannot understand the depth of my feelings. That is one of the very best things about this site, that we get to hear firsthand from both sides of this experience.<P>So again, absolutely no apology necessary on your part and I hope I haven't written anything that I need to apologize for. You and I may be looking at it from different sides, but we are aiming for the same thing, right?<P>By the way, we are doing better today. Thanks for asking.<P>Peppermint

The two week and your cured delimma...<P>I think the first time it was about a month. 4 counseling sessions as I recall. He said they were just friends, would be willing to give it up. Loved me...Boy total oblivion for another 5 months. I think that is the denial stage you were talking about. This can't be an affair. He's not like that..Yada yada yada. <P>I feel much more secure that this one is lingering out at the year and a half and counting point. at least we're working on really healing the ills instead of putting them in remission.

Peppermint<BR>I understand totally of which you speak. My circumstances are rare. My husband had a nervous breakdown and filed for divorce, had a brief A with a stranger he met online. He begged me back and then I found out about the A. He has suffered tremendous abuse as a child and also as a teen was molested for years by a foster mother(whom he just knew was in love with him and him her). This woman I knew as my mother in law. I understand all of this. For the three years we have been together, he was living a lie. I was unaware. I was blissfully happy. Just knew that we were destined. So I feel a loss of all of the wonderful memories that I felt we had shared. He has done everything the right way. He is remorseful and loving and reassuring constantly. I just can't seem to put it in the past. I don't trust easily and feel like a fool for trusting him so completely. He tells me that he never meant to fall in love with me, he was just waiting for his (mom. he never viewed her as a mom, that was just a cover for the rest of the world.) to leave her husband and sweep away with him. when that didn't happen when he filed for divorce he turned to a stranger. It was then that he realized that he needed me. I know that most on here would think that I am so very lucky. Let me tell you that when your trust is broken and your world is shattered it doesn't seem to matter why it happened just that it did. I admire all of your strentghs I lurk often and gather what I can. We are on the road to recovery now he is on meds and we are both in counseling. Thank you so much for sharing your life and pain and your undying hope. He doesn't like to talk of it and thinks that I talk too often of it. It is definatly hard to have empathy for the other side when you have not been there. Best of luck to you and FS I love to see success stories. I bounce from loving him one minute to wanting to run like Holy He** the next. <P>------------------<BR>Janie