I think it is time to give up and walk away from this marriage of 29 years..My H gave up 2 years ago.<P>Now that a year has passed I don't think I have the patience or stamina to continue TRYING any more...<P>I was watching Dr. Phil and he said trust can be rebuilt but not until I know that H knows what he did to ME.<BR>He needs to understand the depths of what he's done to me.<P>He needs to know what he's done to my soul, to my trust to my ability to precdict my world. To all of the things that we had vested into this relationship...<P>Sadly I don't think he has or maybe never will.<P>He can't see my hurt, fear or fustration..<BR>I try to see his...and have given him every oportunity to WANT to make it work...<P>but all I seem to get his more rejection, pain, fear and fustration which in turn becomes ANGER....and I am tired of living my life like that.<P>I know I am the only one that can change the way I feel...So by closing the door...mabye I can let go of us and just continue building a new ME...<P>I want to be the type of person I was before.<BR>Loving, caring, fun, good mother and grandmother instead of always trying to second guess what my H is or isn't doing..<P>I want the freedom to make my choses based on Love and care...not fear and anger.<P>When H walked out I felt it was all my fault.<BR>So I tried to change...<BR>But I know it takes two to make it work and two to destroy a relationship and right now...<BR>We are both killing what is left of our marriage..<P>So plan B has been for almost 2 weeks now...and I think it has made it easier for him. You know out of sight out of mind.<BR>So this must be what he wants and I must accept that.<P>I wish you all a joyious season and may God lighten all our hearts this season. We all need joy, love and PEACE in our hearts..<BR>love and prayers<BR>Tyra<P>

{{{{{Tyra}}}}}}<P>Sorry about all your feeling....I know how you feel. It's been a year for me. I've tried hard to change and I think in many ways I have. But my H still sees me the same. <P>I think I've also reached the point of moving on. But I can't bring myself to stop hoping. So I've decided to move on, but still hope. I'm not giving up....I'm giving it to God. If there is to ever be a reconciliation, He'll have to bring it about. <P>I'm also in Plan B and only speak to H when something breaks at the house or over finances (we don't have kid). It does seem like it's making it easier for him, not having to face his or my feelings. But I truly believe someday, it'll all come hurtling at him....all the pain he's stuffed and the regret for the pain he's cause me. Because I still love him, I hope he can learn from it and reach out to God for direction. That's something he's definately NOT doing now....<P>Aloha and prayers,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Mrs. O.<BR>I too have decided to leave it in God's hands.<P>I think he has been trying to get me to see that the man I love has moved on...in a direction that is not in my best interest to follow. <P>I have had hope so many times...and if we discuss finances...boy is that a major LB on his part..but I am on disability and do not have much of an income unless he supplies it.<P>At this point he is making it difficult for us to survive financially. Of course he has a paycheck and has a vehile to drive and yet I know I am at an advantage because I have my kids and family.<P>I will do what ever I can for myself and our son..It's just my H that I have given up trying to help...Only God can guide him...<P>Silly me I thought I could FIX anything...<BR>Tyra

Dear Tyra,<P>You have fought hard and must be exhausted. Same with Mrs. O. I wonder if we should move to the D/D boards...I don't want to hinder anyones elses hopes and progress.<P>Did you find relief in accepting it's over? I heard that people do, but I still question...why...all the time.<P>The dissolution of a marriage and a family is one of the saddest things in the world. Only death is harder to take I think. We all have to know what is beyond our control...that's the hard part...you're right, the fixing, that's what we women do isn't it? Fix our little families all of our lives, then when we see that it's broken it's almost impossible to accept.<P>My family talked to my oldest son this last weekend, he's having a terrible time with all of this. They told him that I had been a wife for the last 20 years, and now, all of a sudden, I'm not anymore. Helped him understand what I'm going through a bit.<P>The problem is, my H kept up such a good facade during his affairs. I didn't have a clue until just before discovery. Our family vacationed together, went to movies, out to eat, shopping, entertained friends...then boom! the bottom fell out, so my poor kids did not see fighting parents, we all truly thought everything was ok.<P>Didn't mean to turn this into a pity party post about me...just wanted you to know I understand how hard you fought, how fixable it all seemed, if we could just get them to try...<P>I'm sorry...I know how much you both hurt right now. I pray God helps you through this and shows you a reason for all of this.<P>allison

I think you may be right allison<P>I should be on the d/d board.<BR>Yes we too had a wonderful marriage..until I discovered e-mails and then my life started crumbling...<P>At first I thought this is H way of getting my attention...sad to say it was already beyond that point...<P>So I know I am not the only one is this same situation...and I feel for all of us here on MB that wanted our marriages to work.<BR>We each feel we have a unique situation, but really we are all united by one common bond..<BR>Wanting to repair our marriages. <BR>Some of us have finally realized we can't fix it....and now we can begin moving on.<P>No I'm not at peace with my decision..but that will come in time...I HOPE...<P>Right now I just want to keep up my strength to let go and move on alone...<P>I will move over to the d/d board...guess it is a better place for me...<P>

Tyra,<P>I hope you didn't think anyone was saying you shouldn't be on this board, too.<P>My H are not physically seperated and we seem to be recovering, but I didn't start finding peace until I realized that our lives have been a lie for probably 1-2 years. I know the last year for certain has been a lie. I'm now putting into this marriage what I've seen my H put into it since the day we married Jan. 28, 2000 - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I decided it was best for my sanity and emotional well being to basically "give in". I'm no longer stressing over what he is or isn't doing,like you said. I long for the day when I can fully relax, the day when I don't strain to hear if he's on the phone in the middle of the night. <P>I think that day will come when I finally start being honest with myself that my H probably won't change and I move on. I will never, ever trust my H and I hate living like this.<P>Good luck to you, Tyra, as you begin to relax and enjoy life as the person you once were. You're the better person for all the hard work you've done!<P>God Bless you and your family!<P>Karen

I haven't posted on this board for awhile..But I have been reading it every day. My husband had a A over the internet, and actually met her in Germany where he spent five days. That is when I found out by going into his email and finding the most awful correspondence. I waited three days for him to come home. For five months I have been doing plan A....last week I knew after begging and pleading with him to come home, I needed to take care of myself. For 1 1/2 hours we talked on the phone, and he was cold, cruel and uncaring. The next day, I knew I had to take care of myself...he hasn't paid the house payment, or any of the bills, so it was time to turn away. Saw an attorney Wednesday, and Friday am he was served D papers..... I felt enpowered, and ten tons taken from my shoulders.. It was such a good feeling. Emotional I could not take it any longer...My life was falling apart, I was unable to take care of the house my job, anything. I had finally surrendered all to God. And He took care of me...He knew I could not handle anymore, I was ready for a nervous breakdown...When H got the papers he was shocked, he didn't think in a million years I would actually do it. H called five times that day..and Friday night he called at 11 pm, and finally starting talking..I was somewhat alof..he came over at three am and we talked until the sun came up. H finaly fell asleep on the couch, and I went to bed. Next am he was very kind and understanding. Sunday we met in church and the sermon was on prayer. He walked out with tears in his eyes. He asked if i would like to go to Sams Club so I did. We talked some, but H was thinking of sermon. H wanted to come over Sunday night so we could watch Left Behind..but our son and girlfriend we taking me out to dinner and then to the Christmas Carol. He has so many decisions to make, but I have to let him go and do it on his own. I guess what I am trying to say to all of you is by letting go, and becoming enpowered in every part of your life will make you feel such a calm. Trust God...I couldn't at first, it was my will I wanted. But after taking so much verbal abuse by him, God gave me the strength to let go. Oh, there were times, I would scream at God, I couldn't feel him, nor hear Him, I would sob, fall to the floor and be angry at God...He truly is ALIVE and LOVING, but He did it in His own time. I had to learn PATIENCE. It wasn't easy, and I know I could back slide at any time. But I DO know that God loves me, and if this marriage doesn't work out, it's HIS WILL....Get on your knees, and TALK to God..ask for forgiveness, His strength, and His comfort....GIVE IT ALL UP TO HIM...I will pray for each one of you..<P>Kathie

thanks Kathie.<P>I have been praying and do feel sometimes that they go unheard..except that I know it has to be God's time and not mine.<P>I tell myself If you had just met this man.<BR>Saw how self centered he is and you knew what he had done to his own family. Is that the type of man you would want a relationship with..Of course my answer is NO WAY....<BR>Yet because of our long History together and all was good except for the last 18 months to 2 years. that is why I keep wanting to give him another chance...<P>But I know I must take care of myself..and move on .Which in turn will help me in doing what I need to for our son...<BR>Thanks for your prayers...<BR>You too will be in mine.<BR>Tyra