Ever since I found about my WS, I have been unable to refrain from sexual relations with him. We have had sex alot (it's been good) in the week since I found out. I'm wondering if he is trying to "trick me" into forgiving him and if I'm just being "blinded" of the harm he's caused me by the closeness between us lately. HELP! Am I just being insecure and weak? Should I "cut him off"?

i was the same way and i don't regret that. I regret a lot of other things about how we have related to each other since then but not that. it helps reassure me that there is still some fire there. I may be wrong but that is how I feel.

If you feel comfortable with sex with your husband, then it seems ok. Only thing that could harm you is if you refrained and sex is one of his most important needs. Now is the time to found out what needs you where not meeting and start meeting them.<P>It is up to you how you feel. Being insecure is normal after being betrayed. <P>Good luck,<BR>Judy

Ditto for me - in week after DDay - lots of amazing sex and actually ever since! It's been seven months now and our sex life is awesome - not quite as frequent as at first but very intense and adventurous. <BR>

Same for me too. Much more passion and excitement then before. (She thinks because there is no longer anything "between" us). Funny too, she also initiates it much more often.

I did the same thing. 3 times a day for like a week or two right after d-day. I looked at it as a kind of animalistic instinct. Kind of like an animal marking it's territory. <P>It was great. Has continued to be great (generally) and more adventurous. I think it got better because my H is being honest with for the first time ever and that gives me the freedom and safety to open up.

I am kind of in the same boat except my H and I are separated and even have our initial paperwork filed. We are in the 90 day waiting period. In the meantime though, I am heavy into plan A. He has gone out a few times while we've been separated but swears to me that it has been for companionship only and there has been nothing else between them. He's not a very good liar and I'm inclined to believe him - still suspicious but giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. Anyway, one of our areas of conflict has always been our sex life. The really sad thing is, this past year has been my "blossoming year" in that department (wanting it more, initiating it more, etc), now that my kids have grown up a little and the demands of motherhood and working are more balanced. Yet, because we've been in conflict/withdrawal for the last 5 months or so - he doesn't really realize that our sex drives are much more compatible now.<P><BR>Now to my question: If we are separated/waitinging period for divorce and I'm plan A'ing it, but he still has the "casual dates" - do I try to meet his emotional need for sex? It's his birthday today and last night on the phone we got very flirty with each other when I called to wish him a happy birthday. He said the lower part of his anatomy really wanted to come over and make love but his brain was telling him it might not be the right thing to do considering our situation/impending divorce. I'm inclined to think that sex may be one of the areas that helps to connect us emotionally too though.<P>I'm so confused as to whether to pursue this area or just concentrate on the other areas of EN. Any advice from the men on the board? Or past experience lessons from the ladies?<P>------------------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

All I can say is I feel much closer to my wife emotionally after sex. Yesterday, for instance, I had to drive through the part of the city where they used to get together. I don't know the exact motel, but I probably drove past it. It was a horrible trigger, and I felt really "down" the rest of the day and into the evening. My wife saw my state when she came home and tried to do what she could to pick up my spirits. (She helped cook dinner...asked me what happened...assured me it was over...etc). I just broke down crying like a baby.<P>Later, after putting our daughter to bed, I had recovered somewhat. We talked a little more. We held each other. Before I knew it, we were into it. I wasn't seeking it. I really didn't initiate it. But afterwards, it seemed that all of my problems of the day were not as big as they were before (at least for a while).<P>I don't know if it's like this for all men, but for me anyway, it has been a part of our recovery, and it helps me still feel emotionally connected to my wife.<P>I'd say that if this is one of his EN's, then keep trying to fulfill it as long as you are interested in saving your marriage. But remember, it's also important to address any others that he has as well. (Dr. Harley says that you must try to bat 1.000).<P>-HD<p>[This message has been edited by HurtingDeeply (edited December 08, 2000).]

The way you asked it, I wonder why you want to refrain?<P>It was very good for us as well. I believe that while I was dealing with the pain and he with the withdrawal from OW, we were feeling how much we wanted each other (beyond the physical). We wondered if we knew deep down what we couldn't express out loud - how much we loved each other...

Interesting, Soon2b... You should check out the divorce law in your state. In some states, having a sexual relationship with the spouse you are seeking to divorce would be grounds for having the divorce filing dismissed.<P>However, I would take great care in believing that they are having "casual dates" as friends. It is virtually impossible if they've previously been lovers.<P>One more thing - if you have the slightest doubt about whether or not he has been sexually active with anyone else beside you, I hope you are insisting on "barrier" protection - it could save your life. Don't forget that some sexually transmitted diseases can kill you. Others can certainly make your life h@ll.<P>Not pretty words, but necessary ones, IMNSHO.<P>AnonymousCAV:<P>It sounds as if you might be under some pressure from others in your life to "screw the b@stard" and deny him sex out of punishment. Punishing your spouse is never a good way to enhance your opportunity for a successful reconciliation. Read about Plan A and Emotional Needs and you will see why.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I><p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited December 09, 2000).]

Cav,<P>I have to agree with with terri. If one of your h's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> is sex, then ball away!! <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is all about not commiting <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> and withholding <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> may be construed as one. By having lively sex with him may also help deposit units in his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>. After all the whole idea is to be in love, right?<P>Keep on gettin buisy! <P>Bill<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited December 09, 2000).]