My wife has come up with what I think is a fabricated pile of stuff, and I think I might have to LB to call her bluff. I'd like to know what you think. Background: she currently has the kids until Monday morning, and after work I get them. She asked me a few days ago if she could bring them to me Sunday at 7PM (bedtime). Reason, maintenance being done on her bathroom and it will be too noisy for the kids. I said sure, but be at my house early Monday AM because the days I don't have the kids, I want to go in early, since when I do have them, I'm fairly late (ready for school etc.). She seemed hesitant to commit to my request. This morning, sure enough, called to tell me she had a 7:45 appointment that morning. I asked what appointment, and she said she did not want to discuss this. I said I'll call her later. When she asked a few days ago, I said how about you bring them in the morning Sunday, or during the day, and she said in a nasty tone "HHhhhhuh, I don't think so'.<P>My opinion is that she'll have gone (hopefully) 4-5 evenings without OM (works Monday and Tuesday evenings too), so wants to have Sunday evening free, but I hate to suggest this.<P>What do you think. Just enjoy having the kids at 7PM Sunday, and maybe have some fun and let them stay up an hour, or give her several options. Bring them earlier, cancel the appointment, reschedule the bathroom work. It just annoys me that she is lying and making more stuff up to satisfy her needs, and it would seem that there are ways around the things she came up with. Especially the appointment. It didn't seem to exist until a few days after I said to be here early that day to get the kids ready.<P>How about telling her I'm going to drive by Sunday evening to see if the worker is really there? Or asking to know the appointment so I can confirm it. I know these are LBs and childish ideas. I'm just annoyed at this. Is it unreasonable for me to agree to all this, but just bring the kids Sunday afternoon so I get some time with them?<P>Thoughts appreciated. For the most part, my wife seems agitated and unhappy these days. Don't know OM status.<P>Added question: Or do I just avoid LB, let it slide, and try and get the kids for dinner. Given she is seeming very unhappy, is this the time I should just not LB, and ignore that she is very likely lying?<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited December 08, 2000).]

Rick - I think your analysis is correct about why she wants Sunday evening free. IMHO, I recommend take the kids and enjoy them, and don't LB by throwing a wrench in the works. It may be fun and temporiarly satisfying to thwart their schemes, but this is just like trying to keep them apart which only they can do. It'll just p*** her off and you'll be the bad guy. You're on the moral high ground - don't lower yourself to their level of deception and deviousness.<P>WAT

This may not be popular, but as someone who has been divorced and had great problems with ex taking kids when he is supposed to, I'll say it anyway.<P>Rick, you need to nip this one in the bud NOW. If you don't, I promise you that everytime she has the kids, there will be a reason that she needs you to take them. Occassionaly the reasons will be valid, generally they won't. <P>I know your tendency at this point is to look at it as an opportunity to spend more time with your kids. That's great. Let's look at the flip side. It's taking away time that they need just as much with their mother. She is once again shirking her responsibilities and shifting them to you.<P>Did the two of you agree on the visitation schedule that you now have? If so, then she needs to stick with it. We all know that this bathroom story is a bunch of bull. Who schedules an appointment to have their bathroom fixed at 7 pm on a Sunday night? Noone. If she is to have the kids Sunday evenings and until you get off on Monday, then it was poor planning on her part to schedule a repairman to come then and to schedule an appt. for that early Monday morning.<P>My thoughts on this have nothing to do with her probably wanting to see OM during this time. It's purely that she is once again using you and disregarding the children. You already know this is a new found habit, believe me it will get worse. <P>My ex H has pulled this crap for five years now. He used to show up for his visitation whenever it was convenient for him. It didn't matter that the kids were upset because he was hours late. It didn't matter that I had plans that were always ruined. Then we went to can't make it at all. Always an excuse. Unfortunately they aren't good enough for my now almost 12 and 10 yo daughters. They now look at it as once again Dad has something else more important than picking us up and spending time with us.<P>I no longer rearrange my plans to fit him. We meet somewhere else for his pickup and dropoff. If he is more than 15 minutes late to pick them up without calling, he's s*** out of luck. Our life goes on. If he can't pick them up Friday and wants to do it Saturday or even skip Saturday all together and see them for a few hours Sunday after he sleeps in late, he's out of luck until his next visitation two weeks later. I don't play switch weekends with me anymore. The kids are his responsibility too, and if he can't live up to it, well I step in and do what I always have done, be MOM. The girls miss their dad. Thank goodness they are now old enough to see things for what they are. They don't blame me anymore for not rearranging everything to suit Dad. They see now that Mom does whatever it takes to do what we are supposed to do and meet their needs. They know now that this is purely their father's choice and poor planning on his part that keeps him from seeing his daughters.<P>Rick, tell her to rearrange her plumber and her appointment. You two agreed on these times. Deal with it. You have work to take care of Monday morning and you will be 100% on time to take over Monday evening. She'll save money having a plumber come during normal hours, and your kids need this time with their mother to make up for all the time she has taken away from them already.

Rick,<P>I'm on the side of taking the kids and enjoying them. This type of situation cropped up with my wife during my Plan B separation, and that was Steve Harley's advice.<P>Although Pam has a good point about her pulling this crap, if you document the number of times the kids inconvenience her, you'll have a stronger case for physical custody at divorce time, should you want it. Just quietly keep track of all this in a place where your wife won't find it (it's definitely a LB).<P>

Rick - PamO has a valid point. It would be a dose of reality for your wife to keep her committments. I guess if you do it business-like without rubbing it in her face and accusing her of being devious, any LB might be minimized.<P>WAT

Hi Rick<P>I'm with K on this one. I currently face similar problems. At present, the kid stay with me almost permanently with my W only collecting them on alternate Saturdays. She then returns them on the Sunday afternoon. This is all by her choice - I do not restrict her access to the kids at all (I would welcome more contact from her with the kids but don't like to suggest it in case she thinks I'm giving her a guilt trip)<P>My view is that although it can be draining to see so much of the kids, at least they know that you are always there for them. Also when (if) the fog lifts, one of the things that our WS should realise fairly quickly is just how little they have been seeing of their kids. They may then appreciate the fact that you took such god care of them without making a fuss.<P>Only my opinion, and I take (and respect) PamO's comments also, but I do not argue with my W in any way when it comes to looking after the kids, I would rather they were with me than run the risk of potentially being around OM.<P>K gave good advice about doucmenting yours and W's time with the kids, should it come to the worst. I have been doing this since D-Day just to build a case for fair custody/access should I need one.<P><BR>HarryHat<p>[This message has been edited by HarryHat (edited December 08, 2000).]

Hey Rick,<P>I am also with K on this one.<P>Just for fun, you could imagine yourself calling her bluff, ruining the little get together etc... Then, of course, you will not say anything because that would be an LB and we all know what the end result will be .<P>Get a cool kids movie and have popcorn before bed!

Rick<P>I would take the kids Sun, keep track of what is happening & maybe let her know that you can't always do it this way. Good Luck.<P>Hope you were alright this weekend.

Thanks for the advice. This was one of those things that I had trouble objectively looking at, even though I probably knew what I'd do anyway. Bottom line is I want to see my kids. So the executive decision is to let her "fool" me and I'll have my kids. I think I pretty much figured out why all this on her part. Monday morning is the only day now that she could be with OM for the night and wake up together in a 10 day span, so I think she probably thought of this.<P>I did impose one condition, which is that she bring them over before dinner so I can have it with them, and some time to play. Believe it or not, she actually did not want to do that at first. But I told her that if she wants me to rearrange my Monday morning then she can comprimise and bring them early. There is a logic module missing from her noggin.<P>I haven't seen them since Wednesday morning, and I don't like it, surprise surprise. I get angry inside thinking that she took my children away from me. The things they can do for "love".<P>She is pretty monotone towards me, not too friendly at all. But I can handle that. I see that as being better than all cheery.<P>Thanks again.

Rick37,<P>I responded to an eariler post of yours about 10 days ago, but didn't get your reaction. I lurk often, but don't post much. I find your story interesting because from what you describe, I believe you have a realistic shot at success with your wife. However, I do believe the time is past for you to confront and break down the lies. I do not believe plan A means accepting lies. Afterall, what type of recovery will you have if you cannot be totally honest with each other? In your best loving way confront her about Sunday and simply state you know about the OM and despite this situation that you are more than willing to build the relationship on the condition of total and complete honesty. Stand up and stake your ground and stop enabling this woman to use you. She has to see what her relationship for what it is if the fog is to ever lift. Deep down, you know this is what YOU need emotionally to regain the dignity and self respect you need to recover for yourself. Do it for her AND for yourself.<P>good luck.

Managing,<P>Thanks for your advice. I'm going to go back and look for the post that you did 10 days ago.<P>I see your point, but I guess I just question when the right time is to expect total honesty. It seems that it isn't while they are deep in the fog, or at least that seems to be the general opinion.<P>I'm happy to hear that you think I have a shot at success. Her position verbally at this time is that we are separated and that is it. No talk about reconciliation at all, just the odd "if we work this out". I'm just not sure that another confronting session will do. However, I'll keep this in mind as I continue to evaluate things and move forward. I appreciate your perspective on things, and if you have any other helpful advice I'd be happy to hear it.<BR>