Yes, I know I shouldn't have come back here just yet, but this has really been bothering me. You see, I'm a bad mother. You're probably asking why. Well, it's easy:<P>1.) I don't give my son what he wants when he wants it.<P>2.) I don't let him take things from the kitchen downstairs and play with them up here (ex. stirring spoons and such because when it comes time to cook, they're gone).<P>3.) I get mad at him when he throws temper tantrums.<P>4.) I can't calm him down when he's having these temper tantrums.<P>5.) I can't stop him from throwing stuff when he's angry.<P>6.) I can't stop him from falling out in the floor when he's angry.<P>7.) I can't stop him from telling me "no" all the time.<P>8.) I can't stop these temper tantrums because they're getting worse.<P>9.) I can't stop him from always asking me for stuff (ex. toys, something to drink, etc.) whenever I try to relax.<P>10.) I want to relax when my son wants to play.<P>11.) I can't stop him from always asking for my food whenever he sees me eating and when I give him his own plate of food (same as mine), he'd rather have mine.<P>12.) I can't make him go to bed when it's time to.<P>13.) I can't stop him from leaving stuff alone that he's not suppose to be touching (this is stuff that CANNOT be moved).<P>14.) I can't stop him from always wanting to mess with the phone.<P>15.) I can't stop him from jumping on the bed.<P>16.) I can't stop him from getting mad whenever me and my husband try to snuggle, hug, or kiss.<P>17.) I can't stop him from making messes.<P>18.) I can't make him let go of his bottle (there's only water in it).<P>19.) I don't give him enough nutrious foods to eat.<P>20.) He doesn't have a set bedtime.<P>You see, all this makes me a bad mother. I'm not the only one that thinks this. I was also told that it looks like I don't love my son and that it looks like I neglect him.<P>I really don't know what to do with him anymore. I can't make these temper tantrums go away and they're getting worse. I can't stop him from whining and I don't get any real peace and quiet from it because I'm not doing something right. I do think there's something I'm not doing right. I mean, he wouldn't be like this if I was a better mom, right? So, what is it that I'm doing wrong? I can't think of anything else other than the reasons I listed.<P>Also, at one time, I was actually considering having another children years down the line, but I don't think so now. If I can't be a good mom to my son, then why do I need to ruin another child's life? I don't understand it, <B>WHAT DID I DO WRONG??????</B><P>Please help, I can't think of anything on my own......<P>Signed,<BR>An anguished Miaka

Hello Maika, Wow, I'm so sorry about your feelings about being a bad mother. I think that we all go through times like that. I know that I went through a period with my son which was out of control. I chased him around the house, he ran from me, jumped on the bed, basically stuck his tongue out at me and said "Ha, Ha"<P>Things are much better now. My children are 12, 9, and 7 and things have gotten into a routine which is really helpful. Same times to eat, do chores, do homework etc.<P>How old is your son? Have you thought about getting some child and family counseling? None of us are born knowing how to parent. It's a lot of trial and error. But if someone else can help you out and explore more in depth with you that might help.<P>My H and I also took a 17 week parenting class and that really helped. Get help! Don't let these feelings and the behaviors continue.<P>P.S. One thing on the temper tantrums. Don't give him attention for them. When he starts -- put him in his room and shut the door. PUt on music so you can't hear him Let him know when he is done he can come out and you'll talk with him. He can tell you what he's mad about but he cannot throw temper tantrums in front of you. This should stop them after a few days or even a week. No matter what do not try to console him during the tantrum. <P>I am an elementary school counselor so I do have some training in this. Hope this helps!<P>------------------<BR>

Honey, isn't your son twoish? Everything you've described is a pretty acurate description of about 90% of kids that age. The other 10% is made up of kids that are much more of a handful and kids that just never do that kind of stuff. I have four kids. The first two fit into the never did that stuff, and the other two are all that and more. And I'll have more than words with anyone who would have the nerve to call me a bad mother out loud. And I think anyone that ever would probably has never had children that age.<P>Secondly, you live with your inlaws. Ever heard the sayings "too many cooks spoil the soup" and "too many chiefs, not enough Indians"? Well that's what you've got going on. Let me guess, when your son does any of the things you've mentioned, does one of your inlaws step in with a comment or something? If they do, your son notices this and the tension it causes and is using it to his benefit. That's a kid for you. That doesn't mean he's "bad" or you are a bad mother. It means he's 100% normal, and you're in a really tough situation. <P><BR>

Geez Miaka....he's a kid...it is common for kids to do all you described...<P>My Grandmother gave me the best piece of child rearing info i have yet to recieve...<P>Don't let them see they are getting to you and try to catch them being good...<P>You're not a bad mom...you know what to do...just do it!<P>Bill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by yuki miaka:<BR>[B]<P><BR>4.) I can't calm him down when he's having these temper tantrums.<P>5.) I can't stop him from throwing stuff when he's angry.<P>6.) I can't stop him from falling out in the floor when he's angry.<P>7.) I can't stop him from telling me "no" all the time.<P>8.) I can't stop these temper tantrums because they're getting worse.<P><BR>12.) I can't make him go to bed when it's time to.<P>13.) I can't stop him from leaving stuff alone that he's not suppose to be touching (this is stuff that CANNOT be moved).<P><BR>15.) I can't stop him from jumping on the bed.<P>17.) I can't stop him from making messes.<P>18.) I can't make him let go of his bottle (there's only water in it).<P>19.) I don't give him enough nutrious foods to eat.<P>20.) He doesn't have a set bedtime.<P>You see, all this makes me a bad mother.[/bold] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well then, holy cow, so am I.......<P>my son is 4 and a half....and everything quoted above happens here too.....<P>I have my moments where I go through the bad mom feelings, and then realize that at times, he is just a 4 year old little boy whose home is stress-filled, and has been for a few years...<P>our children see, hear and feel a lot mmore than we give them credit for....they may not know exactly what is wrong, but they <I>do</I> know that something is 'up'.... <P>I started noticing that as my stress increased, so did the tantrums and misbehaviours.....and frequently at times when I felt lke I could finally sit for minute....LOL....yes, I know that feeling...<P>remember....they ride alongside us on this journey....little sponges that absorb everything...if you or your thoughts, or your household are in chaos, then how can you reasonably expect peace within the child??...<P>not saying that its an excuse and let them run rampant....but not giving attention to the tantrum....good start...<P>they are entitled to their emotions, and anger is common, frustration comes easily to the young....but they need to learn that they can be angry and express it, but that it does not need to take the form of an "Academy-award winning" performance of a hissy fit....<P>and change, as we have all learned, here at this board, does not happen overnight...<P>of course, watching all of the emotional chaos take its toll on my son is now really pushing me to taking control of my mental recovery....<P>I wish I had really good, clear help for you, but this is a hard road....being a parent...but my god is it worth every second....even the tantrums....<P>we need to take back a little of the control over our children that we gave them....<P>our tantrums have been greatly reduced by introducing the old "in your room" scenario....with me, sitting outside his closed door.....feeling like crap...sure that this would scar him forever....how could I be this cruel??...he would hate me...<P>but he stopped his fits...<P>but the bottle.........ahhhhh my greatest embarassment and failure as a mother....my boy wonder never used a pacifier, never had a 'beloved' thing..blanket, bear, etc....but the bottle......the bottle is the most beloved object in the world...he bows to its comforting glory....<P>we have tried everything....getting rid of it worked once...but dad caved........<P>even his doctor told us that the focus on getting rid of it is what keeps him clinging to it...so he told us to relax, not obsess, and wonder boy should relax too and will probably come up with the idea (that he is too big for bottle) all by himself.....<P>foolish mortal....he knows not the determination in my son...this kid will be bringing the darned bottle to business meetings....<P>the trick we used for bedtime was that he has to be in bed at 8:30...ish, then he can read, bring cars or little guys in and play quietly....see, this guy is a night owl...always has been....but structure and routine are also important....I can understand if there are nights he has trouble falling asleep...I have trouble sometimes, why can't he?...but he is either in his bed, or in his room...<P>and please.....trying to get them to eat any food....nutritious???....I woke up one morning to find wonderboy having cheesies for breakfaast!!....yet they will not starve themselves...I somehow have a growing boy....though I wonder how....<P>as for anything special, precious, that they shouldn't touch or get into.....learn this lesson now...please....pack it up...right now....store it, and give yourslf a great present when they move out, and unpack it all!!.......yes, I said when they move out....LOL...<P>do you see the tantrums coming?....I started to, and started 'heading them off at the pass'....we've started counting to 10 and breathing together whenever we see ourselves losing our tempers...<P>everything can become a power struggle if we let it...there just needs to be a line drawn, and you need to be standing there, enforcing it....<P>but it overwhelms, at times, doesn't it??<P>do you have a 'mommy day' ever?....a day just for you...doing whatever you want?...<P>being away from the children at times, can make you appreciate them more....LOL...<P>I think you are a little stressed right now, and are perhaps being a little hard on yourself in the midst of everything....the old "beat up on myself' trick...<P>I think you should go out and grab a coffee or whatever you like, let daddy and child play.<P><BR>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Miaka,<P>I guess I should join the club of bad moms! <P>You really need to lighten up on yourself! I have 3 sons and believe me, there are days when I'd like nothing more than to run away!! But we are only humans and can only do what we feel is best. <P>Children act up. It's just their nature. They are testing us to see what we'll put up with. My oldest is 11 and he stil does this. I read somewhere that a child needs to be told something approximately 10,000 times before it really sinks in. I know that sometimes it feels like you say "NO" 10,000 times in one day. The only thing you can do is stick to it and reward the good behavior. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

<B>Hanging in There:</B><P>Thank you for replying. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I know that I went through a period with my son which was out of control. I chased him around the house, he ran from me, jumped on the bed, basically stuck his tongue out at me and said "Ha, Ha"</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, my son does something like that also, except his is this thing where I say "no", then he falls out in the floor, whining. <P>Yeah, just like today, I tried to go out (just me and him) and I wanted to do some Christmas decoration shopping. I never made it halfway across the parking lot. See, my son likes to take ALL (yes, all) his toys with him where he goes and he wanted to take some in the store. I told him that we would come back for them (I wasn't going to be that long in the store). Immediately, his head dropped down and not soon after, he dropped his bottle on the ground. I picked it up (I didn't give it to him) and that's what set him off. As soon as I picked the bottle up off the ground, he fell out on the ground. Instead of going in the store, I got in the car and went back home and this is where I've been ever since. That happened about 5 hours ago. <P>I would love to do a routine with my son, but I work (yes, I know this isn't an excuse). I get up at 6am and leave at 6:30am to go to work and get there at 7:45am. I leave work at 4:15pm and get home around 5 to 5:30pm. I don't really relax when I come home because I either have to do housework in our room or feed my son immediately if he didn't eat lunch that day. You're probably saying that I have time to relax while he's eating....well, no. See, he likes to ask me for things when he sees me trying to relax. It's like I'm constantly moving around. It's extremely frustrating sometimes, especially if I'm exhausted.<P>My son is 2 1/2, his birthday is April 7th. And I will look for a parenting class. I'm sure they give them somewhere around here. Thanks.<P>Yes, I've tried exactly what you say as far as the temper tantrums go. Since all three of us are in the same room, I have to put him in the bathroom and close the door (I don't leave the room, I sit right on the other side of the door). Ignoring him would work except that the tantrums bother my husband more than me and every few seconds he's in there, my husband keeps yelling at him. I think that makes it worse. <P>OK, I know this might sound cruel, but has anybody ever tried earplugs when they're like that? I was seriously thinking about getting some since I would have to blast the house out in order to drown out his tantrum (yes, he's that loud and gets louder when I turn up the TV or music). I'm going to try harder, thanks.<P><B>PamO:</B><P>Thanks for replying. Yes, my son is 2 1/2. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Secondly, you live with your inlaws. Ever heard the sayings "too many cooks spoil the soup" and "too many chiefs, not enough Indians"? Well that's what you've got going on. Let me guess, when your son does any of the things you've mentioned, does one of your inlaws step in with a comment or something? If they do, your son notices this and the tension it causes and is using it to his benefit. That's a kid for you. That doesn't mean he's "bad" or you are a bad mother. It means he's 100% normal, and you're in a really tough situation.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, you pretty much sumed up what's going on. That's why I don't like to be around them when I'm displining my son. They always have something to say about it. They don't like the fact that me and my husband swat my son (only when he's really bad, like throwing something at us or hitting us). It really bothers his mother. She told me one time that it "hurts" her when she hears my son crying. She says she hears him a lot. I was puzzled so I went downstairs one time while my son was having one of his tantrums and stood in the kitchen. Lo and behold, no wonder why she hears him a lot. I could hear him loud and clear thru the kitchen ceiling!<P>You're right about him noticing them saying something to us about him. He watches that and it seems like whenever he sees it, he wants to go with them and stay away from us, kinda like me and my husband are the "bad ones" and my husband's mother and father are the "good ones". I hear what you're saying. Any suggestions on how to deal with this until we move? I would like for us to move out somewhere in February or the beginning of March. I need to know I can deal with this until we move. Thanks.<P><B>WilliamJ:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Geez Miaka....he's a kid...it is common for kids to do all you described...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I never said I was blaming my son. I never said any of this is his fault. I know he's just a child. I'm sorry if I didn't know....<P>You see, my son is my first child. I never had a child before him and I had zero experience dealing with children. I know what I'm saying might sound dumb to a lot of people, but you have to believe me, I really didn't know! I did know the part about the temper tantrums, but as far as everything else, I didn't know that was normal. I'm sorry. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Don't let them see they are getting to you and try to catch them being good...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I see what you're saying. I suppose I should pay more attention to what he does right than what he does wrong. Kinda like earlier today, he actually used the potty by himself. I gave him a big hug and told him I was proud of him. Yeah, I could do more stuff like that. I'll try to work on the "getting to me" part, that's hard. Thanks.<P><B>soulloss:</B><P>Thanks for replying. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I started noticing that as my stress increased, so did the tantrums and misbehaviours.....and frequently at times when I felt lke I could finally sit for minute....LOL....yes, I know that feeling...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have to admit, when I was reading your reply, this caught my eye because I just realized that most of the time (about 99.9%) I'm stressed out and so he knows and this is his way of dealing with it. That felt like one of those lightbulb moments. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>our tantrums have been greatly reduced by introducing the old "in your room" scenario....with me, sitting outside his closed door.....feeling like crap...sure that this would scar him forever....how could I be this cruel??...he would hate me...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do this also, but minus the room part. See, we only have one room, but we have a bathroom that's attached to our room. When he gets like that, I sit him on the floor of the bathroom, close the door, and sit on the other side waiting for him to calm down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. <P>As far as his bottle goes, I've never tried to take it away from him. Sometimes I'll try and see if he'll go to sleep without it (he does, after crying). My son also didn't like pacifiers. He'd also hurl them out of his mouth. We must have had about every kind there was out in the store, but he didn't like it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>as for anything special, precious, that they shouldn't touch or get into.....learn this lesson now...please....pack it up...right now....store it, and give yourslf a great present when they move out, and unpack it all!!.......yes, I said when they move out....LOL...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lol! My husband would choke me dead if I packed up his stuff! My husband <B>loves</B> video games, his turntables, and his records. If I touched that stuff, he would kill me. As far as my computer goes, I can't do that. Then how would I get online to talk to you guys? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>do you have a 'mommy day' ever?....a day just for you...doing whatever you want?...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If going to work counts as "mommy days", then I have about 5 of those a week, otherwise, no. I've learned the just to even watch my son for a couple of hours, people want money. Sometimes I have it, most of the time I'm broke. I guess I'm a little dumb in that area. I'd rather use that money to do something fun as a family. I'll try to break that habit. Thanks.<P>---------------------------------------------<P>Yeah, I was a "little" bit stressed out today. I don't understand why this bothers me more than it should. Thanks for listening to me. <P>Signed,<BR>A calmer Miaka<P>

Yuki Miaka,<P>Every parent doubts their competence at some point. <P>I doubted mine from day 1.<P>1) Couldn't nurse the baby - needed help from a lactation consultant because he couldn't "latch on" to the breast.<P>2) Couldn't calm him when he cried at night. He used to scream in what I saw as a "blind rage". As a newborn he couldn't focus his eyes. I thought I saw the wildness of a creature who would never respond to me.<P>3) He threw fits. Just like your son. I couldn't control him.<P>4) He insisted on having his own way - playing with things he should not have.<P>By the way, I may have to sign off suddenly. <P>5) His teachers since 1st grade used to call us in for conferences, about his emotionality and panic reactions. One nun told me that she could hear his heart beating excessively as she stood near him tutoring him in a math problem. The other little boy, who was doing much worse, was calm and relaxed while he had a problem.<P>6) We've had our son tested and he's seen therapists and is in ongoing therapy.<P>7) The bottle. Yuki, so what?!! Our son had 2-3 pacifiers clipped to his shirt, sometimes had 2 in his mouth at the same time, even sucked them when his friends were over. he didn't care if they made fun of him. He liked the pacifiers. He had a bottle til he was 4. No problem.<P>Honey, I doubt my parenting skills too. We've turned to professionals, turned to my uncle and his parents, taken parenting classes, I watch people who are good parents and try to learn tips. <P>Our son is a good kid, he's kind and generous, affectionate. AND he has problems.<BR>Get some help with the parenting skills. We all screw up sometimes.<P>Once I screamed at him for splashing water around the bathroom while I was trying to clean the toilet. he was 2 years old. He got over it.<P>You're not a bad mother. You're dealing with the same weaknesses and frustration we all deal with. There are also mom's chat rooms on the net, parents talk to each otehr about dealing with just hte things you're experiencing.<P>The baby might be acting out because of problems he senses between you and your H. But you're working on those, I bet things will improve as your marriage improves.<P>Hang on. It'll be all right.<P>Just went back and re-read your post. So the little guy likes being with his grandparents because they spoil him? What a blessing! He has grandparents to spoil him. You're the Bad Ones and they are the Good Ones. Take advantage, tell your in-laws how lucky you are to have them. That's their job! They are older, wiser, more patient. My son LOVES his grandparents. They are much sweeter to him than they were to their sons. Let them dote on him. It's GOOD! Thank them, hug them, tell them you know your son will be all right because THEY are giving him so much love.<P>I couldn't wait for my mother in law to hold our newborn. I had a mystical superstition that once her hands (which had diapered and pampered my husband) had touched him, once he had lain in her arms, he would be blessed for life. Once she came here and held him I felt he was safe. <P>When they know you appreciate them, (and I know you do) they will feel very important. And they ARE important to you.<P>If it's easier for them to handle the baby, well they have experience behind them. Take a deep breath and thank God for that experience. Don't feel inferior. They had to learn at first too.<P>I'm so glad you're coming here to talk to all of us who have had and are still having the same struggles with our kids that you are having now. Deep breaths now. You'll be all right. <BR>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<P>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited December 09, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited December 09, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mitzi:<BR><B>Miaka,<P>I guess I should join the club of bad moms! <P>You really need to lighten up on yourself! I have 3 sons and believe me, there are days when I'd like nothing more than to run away!! But we are only humans and can only do what we feel is best. <P>Children act up. It's just their nature. They are testing us to see what we'll put up with. My oldest is 11 and he stil does this. I read somewhere that a child needs to be told something approximately 10,000 times before it really sinks in. I know that sometimes it feels like you say "NO" 10,000 times in one day. The only thing you can do is stick to it and reward the good behavior. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for replying. Somehow when I was replying to everyone else, your post got in unnoticed. Sorry about that.<P>Yeah, there are days where I'd like to run away too. For example, last Friday, I made a big no-no. I took my son to the movies with me and my husband. I was hoping that if I kept feeding him, he would be quiet. Not at all. I talked thru the ENTIRE movie! He kept playing with my chair and when I told him to stop, he had a tempter tantrum in the theater! That was soooo embarrasing! I'll never do that again! When I came back, my husband told me I missed a good part of the movie (we went to see Charlie's Angels). I was sooooo mad.<P>I think my son knows his tantrums make me mad and so he does it louder and more often. Any other time, he's like a little angel until I start hearing the whine or the head drops down....oh boy....<P>---------------------------------------------<P>OK, I have another question, is it possible that my son is jealous of me and my husband being together (ex. snuggling, hugging, kissing, etc.) or am I just exaggerating it? I'm only asking because ever time my husband and I snuggle on the bed, my son thinks he should be in the middle. I don't mind giving him hugs and kisses, but it almost seems like sometimes he doesn't want my husband and I to relax together.<P>For example: if my husband and I are watching a movie in here, my son is free to walk around and play with his toys and stuff. What he likes to do during a movie is to ask us to pick up stuff that's right in front of him or he'll wait until we've sat down to ask for a drink or something.<P>I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid? I don't want to think that my son is jealous of us. We like playing with him and giving him group (all three of us) hugs and kisses, but I don't understand this at all.<P>Suggestions? Comments? Advice? Critism? All are welcome. I won't get mad. I promise. I'm not like that anymore. <P>Signed,<BR>A confused Miaka<P>

Hi, Honey!<P>Grand old motherhood, huh?<P>Well, everyone else has already told you what matters...your son is normal, you are normal and there are too many folks in your business!! Glad you're calmer.<P>When I whined to Kristin's pediatrician when she was about that age that she wouldn't eat anything except rice and noodles (true, white rice, plain noodles, nothing else), he just laughed. Make sure she gets her vitamin, a glass of juice and a glass of milk and let her call the shots for the rest (as long as it's not sweets). I didn't feel so bad then.<P>Hang in there, Sweetie! It does get easier.<P>Luv ya.<P>Lori

Hi, thanks for replying. Wow, I think a lot of people's posts are getting lost in my replies! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bellevue:<BR><B>Yuki Miaka,<P>Every parent doubts their competence at some point. <P>I doubted mine from day 1.<P>1) Couldn't nurse the baby - needed help from a lactation consultant because he couldn't "latch on" to the breast.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I felt REAL bad about that one. The nurse that was helping me was making me feel any better either. I think she was mad at me because I wasn't "trying" hard enough.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>2) Couldn't calm him when he cried at night. He used to scream in what I saw as a "blind rage". As a newborn he couldn't focus his eyes. I thought I saw the wildness of a creature who would never respond to me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My son was colicky from the time he was born until he was almost 8 months. I wasn't able to calm my son either. It didn't make it any better that my husband's mother showed up EVERY (I'm not exaggerating here) time my son cried. She would take him from me and go to another room. In a way, I'm glad she helped me sometimes, but all the time wasn't necessary. I felt like I was losing a bond with my son since she always calmed him down. I think that helped him not to be close to me like he should (other people noticed this too so I'm not making it up).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Our son is a good kid, he's kind and generous, affectionate. AND he has problems.<BR>Get some help with the parenting skills. We all screw up sometimes.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My son is also affectionate and generous. He's very nice and has manners. I don't want to mess this up. I've got one of those 1-800 numbers to look for classes. I will call that. Thanks.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You're not a bad mother. You're dealing with the same weaknesses and frustration we all deal with. There are also mom's chat rooms on the net, parents talk to each otehr about dealing with just hte things you're experiencing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I used to go to <A HREF="http://www.ivillage.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.ivillage.com</A> and talk to all the other women there, but I don't go anymore. Everybody kept telling me to move, but no one would tell me how to deal with this until I moved. That's why I'd rather ask you guys.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The baby might be acting out because of problems he senses between you and your H. But you're working on those, I bet things will improve as your marriage improves.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, me and my husband have been working on some problems (yes, I know it's only some, but we can't really do too much until we move). We actually haven't a had fight since the day I posted the "I haven't been entirely forthcoming" thread. I think the thing that helped was instead of sticking my finger in his face saying what he did, I turned that same finger around and pointed it at myself. Since then, the finger has remained pointed at me, no one else.<P>Thanks! <P>Miaka

Hi! Wow, another lost reply. I'm sorry. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lostva:<BR><B>Hi, Honey!<P>Grand old motherhood, huh?<P>Well, everyone else has already told you what matters...your son is normal, you are normal and there are too many folks in your business!! Glad you're calmer.<P>When I whined to Kristin's pediatrician when she was about that age that she wouldn't eat anything except rice and noodles (true, white rice, plain noodles, nothing else), he just laughed. Make sure she gets her vitamin, a glass of juice and a glass of milk and let her call the shots for the rest (as long as it's not sweets). I didn't feel so bad then.<P>Hang in there, Sweetie! It does get easier.<P>Luv ya.<P>Lori</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For about six months, my son only wanted mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and noodles. I thought something was wrong with me. I don't know what to do about the milk, though. He won't drink it plain, so I bought strawberry and chocolate milk mix. He doesn't like the strawberry so I give him the chocolate. I don't give him a big cup, it's fairly small, but he NEVER finishes his milk. I don't understand it. He'd rather drink Kool-Aid and other juices all day long and that's what he does when I'm not here. I don't give him Kool-Aid or candy, but my husband and his parents do. I guess he figures he's not going to listen to me in the food department.<P>Oh yeah, is it alright for them to eat the same food everyday? My son really doesn't like vegetables, except corn, and really doesn't eat meat. Whenever he eats corn, he holds it in his mouth. If I let him keep it up, he'll hold the same corn in his mouth that he ate 2 hours ago. Do I stop giving him corn because of that?<P>Oh yeah, I know someone's going to suggest this, but it's not going to work. Mixing stuff in the mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese doesn't work. He's more picky than I am (yes, I actually pick stuff out of my food that I don't want to eat). What do I do about that? The reason I have for being extremely picky with my food isn't the same as my son's, so I don't know what to do with him. Any thoughts?<P>Thanks,<BR>Miaka<BR>

Miaka,<P>Honey, it sounds like you just need some other mothers around you to ask advice from! <P>I COMPLETELY understand about the collicky baby thing! My youngest cried for 7 months!! Thank God he was my 3rd and not my 1st! I think I would have gone insane.<P>As long as your son is eating, he'll be fine. Is there a way that you can ask your MIL to give him milk or water to drink instead of so much juice and Kool-Aid? The reason I ask this is...my sons doctor told me that when children drink alot of juices and other drinks like that, it fills them up and they tend not to eat as much. I didn't even consider that when my youngest stopped eating as much, but lo and behold, after a few days, his appetite increased! <P>Children tend to go thru phases when it comes to eating. My kids latch onto something that they really like and want it for days in a row, then suddenly they don't want it anymore. Also, growth spurts can affect a childs eating habits. About every 6 months or so, I notice an increase in the amount of food my kids eat. Then I notice that their pants are too short! LOL LOL<P>Just relax and I think your son will also. 2 1/2 is a rough age for every parent to get thru!<P>Mitzi

<B>Mitzi:</B><P>Hi again! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Honey, it sounds like you just need some other mothers around you to ask advice from! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe I should've made the title something like "need advice from other moms" or something like that. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>As long as your son is eating, he'll be fine. Is there a way that you can ask your MIL to give him milk or water to drink instead of so much juice and Kool-Aid?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>One thing I've learned about people her age (she's around 40+) that if they're stuck in their ways and they don't like to be told certain things, then they're not going to do it. The reason why I say this is because I did make it clear to her and my husband that he needs at least one cup of milk, but it's like I said, she's going to do exactly what she wants. One thing she doesn't like is me telling her how to take care of my son (milk falls into this category). <P>The only way I can make sure he gets his milk is if I stop working and watch him myself.......as much as I would love to do that, we would live with his parents forever. <P>I think my son is also going thru a phase with the mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. That's the only thing he asks for when I ask him what he wants to eat. Weird. I would get sick if I ate that stuff everyday! <P>Thanks, Mitzi. You're helping me already! <P>Miaka<P><BR>

Hey! It's me again! <P>Just have another suggestion.<P>When you're giving your son his meals, even if he only asks for mac and cheese and mashed potatoes, put some other things on his plate. He may not eat it, but eventually he may try it. Of course, he could surprise you and eat it. I've done that with my kids with things that they didn't like (spinach, liver, etc..). Eventually they ate it and I can happily say that I don't have picky eaters in my house. They'll eat anything that doesn't eat them first! <P>Anyhoo...it's just an idea.<P>Mitzi

You know, I think someone hit the nail on the head with the inlaw thing. Let them spoil him (within reason), if he wants to go to them, let him and spend that time snuggling with your husband. Ask your mil her advice on things, SHE WILL EAT IT UP!!! Just because you ask doesn't mean you have to do it. <P>Your mil kind of sounds like my ex-mil. She thought she was going to run the show when I was pregnant with my first child. Thankfully we were able to move out before the baby was born or I'd be writing this from prison. lol Instead my poor sil had a baby and lived with her for 2.5 years. Mil ran the show. Every time the baby's father picked him up when he was fussing mil would take him and tell the father to go away. Literally. She'd put the baby to bed with a bottle. Sil told her that I told her it was bad for their teeth. Mil said I've raised 4 kids, I think I know what I'm doing. Well, poor Zach had to have his top 2 teeth pulled when he was almost 3 and had to be in speech therapy for 3 years. Zach was a bit of a terrorist. The good news is that within a month or two of sil getting her own place, he was a new kid. So for now, just grin and bear it.<P>The food thing is so normal. My first was picky beyond belief. The kid lived on cheerios, spaghetti, applesauce, and bologna for about 2 years. My ped. assured me she would not starve herself. He said offer foods at meal time and she'll eat enough to satisfy her needs. She's almost 12 now and can outeat both my H and I. #2 was never picky as a toddler, and now is super picky. Go figure.<P>If he gets jealous when you and H cuddle, include him. He'll get bored and it's his way of telling you he needs extra attention too. My 4yo does it all the time. The good thing is he goes to sleep (eventually) and then it's private time.<P>If your H gets upset when you are trying to discipline son and seems to be making the situation worse, nicely tell him you understand how he feels, and you don't mind at all if he leaves the room until the moment passes. When my son was that age and threw a fit, I found it often worked to absolutely IGNORE him. What's the fun in throwing a fit if nobody pays any attention to it. It didn't always work, but usually cut the time dramatically. Another thing that worked was either to imitate him or just laugh at him. I don't know if "professionals" would suggest this, but hey it worked.

Bad mothers don't care. That automatically makes you a GOOD MOTHER.<P>You may need to learn what are reasonable expectations for yourself and child, and some skills. BELIEVE ME, ALL MOMS HAVE BEEN THERE.<P>I had all girls, which some say are easier in childhood, more difficult in their teens.<P>Even though they were all pretty mild in comparison to some other kids, they all had their tantrums, the love of the word "no" and the like.<P>I had my oldest daughter convinced I didn't "see" or "hear" her when she had a tantrum. I would just step over her.<P>Even know when my 5 year old gets a bit out of control, I have her sit on her bed. I try to be as nice and cheerful as possible and let her know that when she can calm herself down, we will be happy to see her again and will miss her while she is not with us. Then when she does come out, we make an effort to hug her and tell her how happy we are to see her. It usually works.<P>You son might be too young for this approach, but maybe being cheerful and matter of fact instead of angry about the time out might help. I agree it adds fuel to the fire to yell at a child when they are already out of control.<P>Oh, and I think you handled the shopping thing beautifully. I have left stores and other places when they were not cooperative or disruptive...again in a matter of fact manner.<P>This too shall pass!

<B>Mitzi:</B><P>Hi again! Thanks, I will try your idea. I just found out the other day that he likes eating peas. I was eating a TV dinner that had peas in it (I don't like them:P) and he ate them. Thanks! <P><B>PamO:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You know, I think someone hit the nail on the head with the inlaw thing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That was you. <P>About the spoiling, the only problem I have with that is when it's time for us to go somewhere or it's time to go to sleep, my son doesn't want to come back up. He'd rather stay down there with her. I will take your advice, though.<P>You don't understand, my husband's mother basically "ran the show" when my son was born. She would knock at the door every (I'm not exaggerating) time my son cried or made a noise. She was always coming to take him away from me. <P>That's funny, your daughter outeats you and your husband? Wow! My son likes to take food from me and my husband.<P>My husband seems to get better at the disciplining thing. Like yesterday, my son decided he was going to fall out on the floor because he was mad that he couldn't drink Kool-Aid all day long. I calmly picked him up and set him down in the bathroom and closed the door. It was funny listening to him because in the beginning, he was faking, but then when he found out that we didn't come in and get him right away, he got pissed. Me and my husband found something else to do while my son was throwing his fit and then magically, he stopped, all by himself. We told him to come out the bathroom and that was the end of that. <P><B>FaithHopeLove:</B><P>Thank you for your response. You're right, my son is too old for the "cheerful" response. He only responses to being ignored. It's funny because he knows that we're ignoring him and he tries to get louder, but only ends up making himself tired. <P>Thanks you guys!

"Actually, me and my husband have been working on some problems (yes, I know it's only some, but we can't really do too much until we move). We actually haven't a had fight since the day I posted the "I haven't been entirely forthcoming" thread. I think the thing that helped was instead of sticking my finger in his face saying what he did, I turned that same finger around and pointed it at myself. Since then, the finger has remained pointed at me, no one else."<P>This is so incredibly responsible and mature, I am in awe. You are doing exactly what Plan A says - working on yourself. And you're only what - 24? I remember that chronologically you're just a kid, <P>Yet you're suddenly an adult, with this turnaround in attitude. Where can I get some of that? Can you bottle it and mail it to me? (Attempt at humor. I am sincere in my admiration, believe me.)<P>I disagree that you need to move out in order to work on your marriage. You're already making strides. Try more friendly moves toward your mother in law. I think she'll be supportive and receptive too. <P>You got conflicting advice from all of us. I trust your wisdom to decide which is best for you. You will probably come up with a plan of your own, after considering everything.<P>Oh, and the nursing thing? I went several times to a well known hospital where they have people who do nothing but teach women how to breast feed. The pain of the raw nipples - my head used to just swing back and bang the wall, reflex action. <P>Then the nurse from our pediatricians office made 2 or 3 visits to our home, saw how I was sitting, listened to the sound of the baby trying to swallow, and diagnosed the problem and the solution.<P>I know you tried. So did I. The nurse who helped you may not have seen what exactly was wrong. <P>Our little boy used to wedge himself between us when we kissed or snuggled (back in the stone age). It's normal. Yes, he's jealous. He wants to be loved too. And that demanding things once you've just sat down? That's testing. I don't know the right thing to do. If you're too tired to get up, you could have juice boxes in the fridge or cabinet for him to get for himself. You could help him open them.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

<B>Bellevue:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>This is so incredibly responsible and mature, I am in awe. You are doing exactly what Plan A says - working on yourself.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Really???? And here I was being selfish, thinking only about me. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>And you're only what - 24?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nope, nope, nope. You've got me confused with my 24-year-old husband. I've got 2 years to go before I get that old. I just barely turned 22! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Where can I get some of that?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, you could go thru some of the stuff that I've gone thru, or....you could just listen to me ramble on about nothing. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Can you bottle it and mail it to me? (Attempt at humor. I am sincere in my admiration, believe me.)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, you're actually admiring my new attitude? Amazing.....I'm the one in awe now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I disagree that you need to move out in order to work on your marriage. You're already making strides. Try more friendly moves toward your mother in law. I think she'll be supportive and receptive too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think I should've clarified what I meant about moving out. You see, in order for my husband to be a "responsible <B>man</B>", we HAVE to move out, it's important that we do. Otherwise, my husband will never learn to stop running to his family for help whenever there's a problem. He still does this now, but I guess he thinks it's okay since I'm making strides to get along with his family. Only time will tell....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I know you tried. So did I. The nurse who helped you may not have seen what exactly was wrong.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it was more that she didn't want to be bothered with me. It even got to a point that she almost started yelling at me. I mean, what was I suppose to do? It wasn't even a whole hour that I had him that they wanted me to try. I think she kinda forgot that I'd been in pushing for 2 hours straight and that I was tired as h*ll. Well, she'll never be my nurse again because I might not have anymore children (I'm talking about when I'm a little older, not now).<P>It's funny because people actually tell me that I'm going to have another one, but they don't know how "done" I am with taking care of children, even though I have only one son. That's not saying that I don't love him, that means that I'm barely handling what I have (failing most of the time) and if I had another child, I think I would have a nervous breakdown. I guess it's because I'm worrying about ruining another child's life. I mean, I'm having a hard time as it is. <P>I think the hardest part is not having a "real" mother to talk to. My "mother" doesn't qualify. She was a horrible mother and I don't want to be like her. If I had've stayed with her any longer, I would've been dead a long time ago. Things were really, REALLY bad then. Me and my "mother" don't have a relationship. She destroyed that a long time ago. Because of her doing what she did, life has been extremely hard. Some examples include being isolated and not knowing things that other people call "common knowledge" (like raising a baby). <P>So, I'm trying to work past that, but it's really hard. That's why I like to ask you guys my "stupid" questions because I don't want people laughing at me for something I don't know, but at the same time, I don't want to "latch" onto people either and become a burden to others, you know? I know I can't do everything myself, but I think I should do some things myself.<P>Sorry, I went on about something that had nothing to do with this thread. I guess I wanted to let you know that I'm not this "enlightened" individual that has completely solved everything that's wrong with me. This is only one problem among many. <P>Thanks for listening to me again, Bellevue. I greatly appreciate it. It feels so much better to talk to people here than to sit quietly wondering if I can really talk to anybody. This thanks goes for everybody else also. Take care.<P>Miaka<BR><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited December 12, 2000).]