Hi All<P>It's been a long time since I last updated, due in the main that there hasn't been much too tell and I have been really busy with work and kids.<P>However that all changed this morning. My W (who left in September and is now renting a house a few miles away and is still seeing OM) had asked me to enquire at the kids' school about a newly-launched care-club where they will look after the kids before and after school to fit in around working hours.<P>(The kids, btw, stay with me for 13 nights our of every 14 and see very little of my W -<BR>There is no contact between us other than on children-related issues.)<P>I contacted her by phone this morning to give her the details on the school club and asked if she wanted to see the brochure etc. She stated that she was not working today and had been planning on going to my (our) house anyway whilst I was at work, to collect the rest of her belongings. This really knocked me sideways a little as the belongings in question relate to a few clothes that she never wears anyway and a few ornaments etc.<P>I suppose my issue is the sudden desire for her to do this when she has ignored them since she left. In typical analytical mode, my mind is now working overtime trying to think of a motive for this and the best that I can guess is that she is either (a)preparing to file and wants to safeguard her things from my perceived reaction, (b) There has been a major development with OM (more on that in a moment) or (c) It is related to the dawn of the new year and she is making a point of confirming that she wants to "start afresh" my ridding herself of any association with the house.<P>I suggested that I leave work and meet her at the house (I was suspicious that OM may be with her and did not want him in the house)<P>When I arrived, she saw the brochure, we went to the school together and enrolled the kids (all the while she was playing happy families in front of the teachers with lots of "us" and "we" when explaining our kids hobbies and activities)<P>On the way back, she said that she had a lot to do today and would be leaving the house as soon as she had collected her things. I casually asked what plans she had for the day and she said that she had an "appointment" in the afternoon. I became a little nervous and pried a little (almost expecting the appointment to be with a solicitor re: filing). Upon asking what type of appointment, she replied a "hospital appointment". I asked if she was ill and she replied that she was having "tests".<P>That threw me into a loop big time (not in front of her, of course) and I am now out of mind with panic that she may be pregnant by OM.<P>I didn't (and couldn't) pry any further but am now quite concerned.<P>This could tie in with her removing further belongings from the house as she now has a reason for a long-term commitment with OM.<P>I know I'm rambling here but I really need some help in centering myself. I've had to take the rest of the day of work and am worried sick. From shortly after she left, the only 2 real boundaries that I set for myself which would cause me to not want her back is either a pregnancy via someone else (I'm sorry but I could not raise another man's child) or if it fizzled out with OM and she then sought somebody new.<P>I know that I might be reading too much into one gesture and one comment but I feel that I hardly know my W anymore. Like Rick37 and WAT, I have been sort of combining Plan A (when possible) with a DB LRT technique where I don't pursue, don't make unnecessary contact and never talk about "us".<P>Can anybody talk some sense into me on this one or do you think that my suspicions are accurate?<P><BR>Thanks<P><BR>Harry<BR>

Dear Harry,<P>The mind can be a terrible thing sometimes, especially an analytical one! I can totally understand how you would have reached your scary suspicion. We are all so good at trying to protect ourselves that I think we are experts at assuming the worst from the littlest information so we aren't totally surprised later. But at this point, they are still suspicions.<P>I for one am starting to tire of this mental torture and I suspect you may be too. Therefore, I would suggest that you call her and tell her you have been worried about her since she mentioned the tests and ask how they turned out. I would then pry a little, hopefully in a caring way and not LB way, to find out the truth. Sometimes the agony of not knowing is worse than knowing and you will have to decide if you are at that point.<P>Having said all that, I know it would be very difficult to find out she was pregnant. I can understand your feelings on that matter. Even if that worst case scenario was true, however, take your time before you make any decisions. I'm sure you've learned as I have that hastily made decisions are often the wrong ones.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Harry - good advice from Exhausted. But one thing enters my mind - since when do you go to a hospital for pregnancy tests? Aren't most pre-natal things done in an obstetrician's facility? Of course I'm male and don't know squat about this stuff, but I do know there's lots of tests done in hospitals that are not associated with pregnancy. Keep your cool.<P>WAT

My Mom always said expect the worst and hope for the best. Very good advice. It prepaires you for the worst posable outcome and you still have hope.<P>If I was in your shoes I guess I would think she is pregnant. But then why go to the hospital for tests? Most doctor's offices can do the test now. Even when I was in University my school's clinic did it. Simple little blood test. Could she be sick? <P>I guess if I was you I would talk to a lawyer about the posability of her being pregnant and what it would mean for you. To be honest I would not be willing to support a child that is not mine in light of the situation. Most states presume if married the child is the husband's. I guess do your research for all posable outcomes. With the knowledge you can make a better informed decision.<P>

Harryhat,<P>I almost welcomed you to WAT and Ricks club for great analytical minds but I then saw that you are familiar with it. <P>I say don't torture yourself and don't over think yourself. Sounds like you've been working a good plan. I would venture to say that it would be safe to ask her if she is ok. You can tell her that you're worried she might be sick and is everything ok? <P>She is still the mother of your children and any illness she has would affect you too. You don't have to tell her that part.<P>Don't beat yourself up mentally. What is the worst that can come from asking? If you decide not to ask then let it go. If its something you are meant to know, you will eventually learn it.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

Exhausted, WAT, Pahakissa1, cleo<P>Thanks for your replies. I know that I am probably guilty of reading too much into comments and actions.<P>However, I probably did not explain the "hospital appointment" very well. When my W mentioned the appointment, I immediately asked if she was sick and she actually replied "No, I'm just having some tests" - this, to me, means that she isn't ill or potentially ill she is just being secretive about why she is going.<P>WAT, I understand your comment about the lack of necessity for a hospital visit for pregnancy-related checks but here in the UK, these checks/scans/tests are all usually carried out within a hospital department, they certainly are in our region as I fondly remember accompanying my W to her scans etc. for our 2 kids.<P>I hope that I am very wrong on my suspicions and I agree with Exhausted, Pahakissa1<BR>and cleo that the mental torture of second-guessing your WS's activities can actually make things worse than the eventual reality of any situation but it's a habit that is hard to break, especially when you have irregular contact and are looking for signs one way or the other.<P>I'm still also very confused as to why she would suddenly want to remove the remainder of her belongings from the house today when she could have done so way back in September when she first left - what has spurred her on to doing this at this point in time?<P>I have definitely not provoked it by any sort of LB'ing as I have spent only 2 hours in my W's company (scattered across various occasions) in the last 2 weeks. I (we) have been very civil (almost normal-like old times) with each other and even exchanged Christmas gifts with each other (admittedly under the guise of them being from the "kids")<P>It is my W's birthday tomorrow and much as I want to, I daren't get her a gift or even a card (other than one "from the kids" again) as I don't know what sort of reaction this would provoke. In Divorcebusting methods (Weiner-Davis) it is definitely a no-no to pursue your WS or beg, plead or attempt to endear yourself in any way as this apparently makes the WS lose even more respect for you as you appear weak and dependent.<P>I am not sure what the Harley / Plan A approach is but I intend not to get her anything directly from myself. I am just a little worried sometimes that this sort of approach could backfire and the WS assumes that you just don't care about them anymore)<BR>However I know that whilst OM is around she won't take any notice of me anyway.<P>Thanks again. Any further feedback from you guys or any others would be greatly appreciated.<P>Cheers<P><BR>Harry<P>

Harry,<P>If you don't know what Plan A is, read up on it now. It is possible for her to notice you during Plan A. She may not respond as you wish but she surely is able of noticing changes and gestures. She just may not be ready to let you meet her needs or neet yours.<BR>You could give her a card from you that doesn't have to be a romantic "for my wife" card but one that expresses care for her. just an idea.<P>cleo

HarryHat,<P>I agree with what others have said. First, I'd not conclude anything about what the tests are for. My wife has gone for tests throughout the affair...I happen to know what they are for, and it was just something rather routine. Could be the same for your wife. There are more tests available than we will ever know. Regardless, try not to worry yourself sick because you just don't know yet what it is about. Asking politely if she is OK would be fine to me. She may not tell you, but at least you show caring.<P>Moving more stuff doesn't alarm me at all. Mine has come back several times to find something. I place no particular meaning on these retrieval efforts. As long as they are in the fog, which your wife obviously is (13 of 14 nights she doesn't have kids), they are going to continue to do things that cannot be analyzed with a logical and sane mind. It is of no use. We all do it though, as you know (OK, so WAT and I are two of the worst .<P>I see nothing wrong with a card for her birthday that is from you (and maybe a little gift). Just not something romantic. A blank card with something written is what I prefer for the card. Just to let her know you remember and wish her a nice day. I personally think it is better than not giving anything at all.<P>The business of her being "almost normal-like old times" sounds like a change in personality from when she was more cold and nasty in your previous postings (after you told OMs wife for example). I think you did that, right? Anyway, changes in personality are common. They are just unpredictable. They are just a sign of their confusion and fog. You never know what you'll get from week to week, or month to month.<P>As you mentioned, you certainly don't have to provoke things. They just act strangely all by themselves. You can just sit back and live normally, while they act out of impulse.<P>To me your posting sounds pretty much like status quo. Nothing too surprising.<P>It is nice to hear an update from you...I wish it was a better one of course, but this game is not a quick one as we all know.<P>You are taking care of your children and are a wonderful father. Keep being the stability in their lives and the sane one.<P>Have you ever done any things together with the kids? What was your arrangement for Christmas?<P>Take care and keep us posted.<P>