I've pretty much determined that I have to tell my wife some things that will leave no doubt that I know about her A. I know me calling it an A will set her off. I think what got me going the most is that OM is spending too much time around her and the kids. Her rationale would be they are friends, so I need to nullify that illusion.<P>I'm not going to tell her how I know, but just some private things. As a minimum, their little coded phrase for sex, and the song that they considered "theirs". Think it is enough?<P>I've thought about what I tell her my purpose is for the discussion, as we start it. I plan on saying something to the effect that I do love her, and have always left the door open to reconciliation and marital recovery, because I believe we can make it work. But that since she appears to be heading in another direction, and we are co-parenting the children, I need her to know what I know about her affair that she hasn't admitted to anyone (perhaps one friend).<P>I also want her to know that OM being around the kids so much is disappointing (sickening) to me, given that he isn't just a friend. It isn't right anyway, regardless of what it is.<P>Do I mention that my love is being pressured by her lies and continued relationship with OM, and expand a bit on any MB stuff?<P>I'd appreciate any advice. She has the kids for 2 days this week, then I have them again for 5 or 6. So I want to do it just after I get them. Therefore, probably not till end of week, unless I start it on the phone earlier.<P>Phone or in person? I'm thinking in person.<P>This might not sound earth shattering, but it will change the dynamics of our situation in some form, most likely for the worst, at least in the short term. Although, oddly enough, some of her "maybe coming back" type statements, and concern for what we'd do with extra furniture, have come right after I've confronted before but not provided any details. Hard to figure out. Stringing me along?<P>I was going to post details just for reference, but looking at them, it is so classic, they aren't really needed. The only odd (maybe not) part is that I believe that he still doesn't offer future, because of his parents saying NO to woman with kids (their culture/religion). But who knows...maybe she thinks he'll change his mind. I guess the addiction is there regardless of the future. In emails, she has said "what are we doing, my days are numbered, and that they tried unsuccessfully to revert to friends before". This was more in Sept to Nov. Now I don't know. But I think this helps her rationalize that any OM stuff is OK because long term, only friends.<P>Thanks for helping. Before I do anything like this I just want to have it sanitized by you guys and gals.<P>Any advice or thoughts on this appreciated.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited January 21, 2001).]

Rick,<P>Just a reminder for you to be prepared for her to deny it. I could not beleive he would deny with the evidence I had , but he did and it drove me crazy! It made me say things I didn't want to bring up, made me LB, made me doubt my sanity. Try and prepare yourself for it.<BR>Lora

Lora...that was a fast reply. Thanks for the heads up. I did confront before, just didn't supply any specifics. And it did drive me crazy too. But like you mentioned, because it didn't go as expected, LBs materialized out of nowhere. So yes, I have to prepare for this, and have backup stuff ready in case of denial. I don't want to have to do it again later.<P>Regardless of what happens to our marriage, I just have to let her know that this wasn't a big secret. Am I just getting carried away? I don't think so...just want it to hit the light of day.

Rick,<BR>Well, just sitting here reading obsessivly. LOL<P>My H continued the affair for a year, then moved out for 4 months , and never admitted to anything. Finally 2 weeks ago he said he was trying to break it off with her. That may be as close to a confession as he has ever come.. maybe as close as he ever will come.<P>Lora

Like your idea of telling her when you have the kids, that way it might sink to her what she really has to lose.<P>When I confronted my H (18 mths ago), I didn't plan it very well; I was reacting more than anything else. I knew we had problems, knew he wanted to separated, & knew there was someone else (thought it was EA) but I saw him open his hotmail account one morning & like a bolt of lighting I remembered I knew the password (it was in his briefcase). He left & I opened, read & printed about a mths worth of emails, read in it that he was planning a talk with me in the next few days to tell me he was moving out, he still wasn't going to tell about the OW. I don't think he would have ever admitted to anything if I had not told him I knew. I did have to tell him about the emails, as he kept denying everything, I knew exactly when his A turned into a PA. I regret having to tell him I could access his email, there have been many times I would have love to have read them, doubt if I be here now, if I kept reading the what he was writing the OW.<P>Just be prepared to have to show more than you want but don't tell about the keystroke. <P>Good luck, enjoy your kids.<BR>

Rick<P>My advice, for what it's worth and based on my own experience, is to try and let this phase pass and not inform your W of your knowledge.<P>I know this is contrary to your feelings right now, but as you rightly know (better than most) our (BS) frame of mind can fluctuate quite dramatically in any given period and although you are not acting out of anger you would be acting on a "now" feeling. I bet within a week you would not want to do this.<P>As you may recall, after 7 weeks of trying to "negotiate" with my W (mainly pleading!) I acted on an impulse which I thought would change the dynamics of her A with OM - I informed OM's W. In hindsight, I was naively hoping that this would call his bluff and make him call it off with my W and stay with his W and child.<P>It simply didn't work that way. I was advised at the time, on this Board, not to do this but was so sure in my mind that it was the right thing to do. It felt good for about 1 day then the frost settled. My W didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. <P>Her and OM are now closer than ever, from what I can tell and he travels most weekends to stay with my W (he lives 150 miles away)<P>My hasty decision has backfired (in the short-term at least) by throwing them together. They almost have a "siege" mentality now whereby its "them against the world".<P>My W is showing no signs of being open to reconciliation and no longer particularly bothers to keep anything a secret from me when I talk to her. She doesn't exactly rub my nose in it and she still lies like crazy about her activities, but she addresses OM by name when she is telling me what she has been doing (e.g. when I asked her if she had had a nice time over Christmas, she proceeded to tell me of the wonderful time that she and OM (name) had.)<P><BR>I suppose the point that I'm trying to make (there is one!) is that you can probably expect denial from your W then after presenting your proof you will get an angry reaction and lots of frosty interactions for a while, and ultimately she will start to be less inhibited about talking about their "relationship" in your presence and will have no qualms about involving the kids in their fantasy. (In my case, OM has been there the last 2 times that she has had the kids overnight - this annoys me greatly but there is nothing I can do about it)<P>Sorry if this goes against the grain, but the exposure of the A (at least in my case) has not appeared to damage it, in fact it seems intensified and I am now the "bad guy"<P>Please keep us posted. <P><BR>HarryHat<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by HarryHat (edited January 22, 2001).]

Rick- I'm on the fence on your decision. When I confronted my wife of seeing her and OM together hugging and smooching in the airport, she looked me right in the eye and said it didn't happen. After that, things just got worse. I think the full effect of the A hitting the light of day in your and my situation can only occur with it coming out on a grand scale. Relatives, close friends, OM's relatives and friends all getting the true story. This would amount to smearing their names, but may be the toll they have to pay. It's too easy for her to continue denying to just you. Maybe these WSs in our situation need to be totally embarassed. <P>I'd welcome dissenting views.<P>WAT

You've got to watch just how much info you release about the affair. If others must be informed, do just that. Let them know and then just back off. Don't let any of your own biases get in the way. I've talked with Steve Harley and he akins it to shaking a hornets' nest and then running away. Let others form their own opinions of what is happening.<P>Above all, watch your timing. HarryHat is correct. You may regret a knee jerk reaction. Your best bet is to talk to one of the Harleys. It seems to be working well for me.

I'm reading all the replies, and appreciate them. Something kind of strange just happened.<P>Something kind of strange just happened. A subcontractor of our builder came to fix a light. While here, he said "so I hear you joined the club". I asked what club, and he said "you are alone now". My wife works in sales for the builder. He told me that he does not like what she is doing, and that his wife left him, and that he is now remarried. His current wife had two kids already, and now they have one. He said "those kids still hurt over their parents divorce, and although I try to be their a father, for them it is ackward".<P>Anyway, he said "let me tell you something...your wife will find out the grass is not greener out there, and I hope for her that it isn't too late". <P>He said "if I can give you one piece of advice, be her friend and do more fun things together than ever before, and she may one day want to come back".<P>He knows all the trades that work for the builder, and alot of them started chasing my wife when they caught wind of our separation. He said they all pretend they care but none of them give a damn about her or your kids, and he doesn't like to see this.<P>None of this is surprising, but it is just interesting how things spread around. He knows that I don't want the separation, if he didn't already.