Hi All<P>Just need to vent a bit at the moment.<P>My W (WS) seems to be "upping the ante" all the time in her A with OM. Although we steer clear of any "us" talk on the rare occasions that I see her, I am still in contact with my MIL and some of our mutual friends.<P>I have this week learned that my W has recently introduced OM to MIL and some of her extended family. This really annoys me as it is a clear indication that my W thinks that her future lies with OM. For what its worth, MIL told me that she and her Sister did not like OM one bit (but maybe she's saying that for my benefit?)<P>This may seem trivial but to me it is a sign that W thinks it is OK to go public with OM although she is apparently careful to introduce him as a "friend" only. (MIL knows better)<P>Also, when my kids returned this weekend from their 1 night in 14 stay at W's house, they were keen to tell me (without any prompting) that next time they go, OM will be there with his 5yo son and they can "all play together". What the hell is this all about? OM has no right being around my kids and to try and fabricate a temporary family unit once a fortnight is downright disgraceful.<P>I really feel like letting W have both barrels but am concerned that this is the reaction that she wants from me, as I feel that I may be currently confounding her a little with my nice-as-pie (Plan A) interactions on each occasion that we speak.<P>Is this just paranoia or is it a tactic of a guilty WS to try and provoke a bad reaction from the BS in order to justify the validity of their A. If so, then armed with that knowledge, I will try and continue to curb my immediate reactions and not LB. Or am I being too much of a soft-touch here and my W is purely just being selfish and insensitive to my feelings but not trying to provoke me?<P>Any advice gladly received.<P>Thanks<P><BR>HarryHat<p>[This message has been edited by HarryHat (edited January 25, 2001).]

Harry - I validate your feelings, and I admire your restraint so far. I don't know all the answers, but I'll bet she's looking for approval from her family to help justify her behavior. What's your relationship with her family?<P>Try with all your fortitude to not LB. There's nothing we can do to keep our kids away from the OPs. Try to keep Plan A going. Come to us with "both barrels". We'll listten.<P>Dave (WAT)

You can express your feelings, if you talk in all "I." It is important that W knows that you are hurt by the fact that she is not considering your feelings when it comes to contact between OM and YOUR kids. Talkj about any anger you have without referring to OM. It is she who is hurting you and not considering your rights as father, not him. He is not in your world, and try to keep him there by setting a boundry. You have rights here. You have the right not to be walked on even in plan A.

I understand. A month after my stbx moved out, she took OM to her sister's wedding. Most of her family did not even know that we had split.<P>My opinion is that it is the fog. Everything that she does is OK, because she is a special person and normal rules do not apply to her. Not only is she not trying to provoke you, she didn't even think about you when she made the decision.<P>If it is worth it, try not to LB. I frankly don't care anymore whether I LB or not.<P>Good Luck

HarryHat,<P>This is common. I only have a second now, but remember what you told me last week. Don't react based on the "now" feeling. Wait until you have stabilized again. Mine pulls the same stunts. I think they believe it is OK because they do it under the "just friends" facade. It is sad though. I recommend you don't LB right now, because she will just continue anyway, and legally there isn't much (or anything) you can do. She'll use the LB against you. You can tell her how you feel about him being around the kids. I did it a few months back. Doesn't do any good, but at least you let them know.

Thanks for the prompt replies everybody.<P>Rick, I can't believe how these incidents can affect our thinking. A week ago, I was suggesting that you don't act on the moment and now here's me, losing sight of my own advice, and needing you to remind me of the same. I'm not going to LB and am trying to calm down. Thanks for the reminder.<P>WAT, I get on OK with my MIL - I wouldn't say we are all that close and my W has often suggested to me in the past that I give the impression that I don't like her (MIL not W!). This isn't true, she's just a difficult lady to get on with. We have always been friendly to each other and my Birthday is always remembered by her if that's anything to go on. I didn't hear much from her in the immediate aftermath of D-Day and had assumed that she was avoiding me and aligning with my W. However over Christmas, she came to visit me and the kids and we made a return visit in the New Year. This latest news about her meeting OM was prompted by her following a phone call to me a couple of nights ago. I know about the dangers of attempting to win support from people close to W and hence haven't really stated my case other than to initially ask MIL if she had any idea that W was unhappy in her marriage (to which MIL replied that she was utterly shocked). I have heard or seen most of W's relatives and friends since D-Day and in fairness each and every one of them has been civil with me in the least and positively supportive in some cases with some stating that they are disgusted by W's behaviour.<P>burnedspouse, I respect your advice on this matter and wish that I could be confident that I caould express this to my W without LB'ing. However for the time being I will bite my tongue (again - Ouch!) and try and roll with it for now.<P>grandpabri, I think that you are probably right. I don't think she is deliberately trying to provoke a reaction from me and is acting purely selfishly and not even considering the implications for me of any of her actions. Thanks for your comments.<P>Thanks again all.<P><BR>HarryHat<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HarryHat (edited January 25, 2001).]