Hello.<P>I don't see any familiar faces. This time last year, I posted frequently in "General Questions I". Since I don't come here often these days, I will give you the "short" version of my story...<P>I had an online EA for a few months at the end of 1998 and early 1999 with a man that I'd never met. Then, that EA ended in a PA over one weekend. Those of you that "know me"/have seen my posts from a while back know how I loathed myself for what I'd done to God and my husband. In my heart, I was so ashamed of what I'd done, I decided that I would NEVER tell my husband. I determined that my punishment would be to suffer in silence and in secret. I determined that I would "protect" my husband from this horrible thing I'd done to him. God, this forum and a Christian counselor kept me from losing my mind from the guilt and the lies. When I would post here, people would tell me to confess because it would bring healing to my heart and to my marriage. I could feel God gently tugging at my heart to confess, but I kept running. Finally, after a year and a half, I stopped running. I went to a new Christian counselor who told me that I had to trust God no matter what the outcome. This meant that I had to trust God if my husband chose to stay with me and I had to trust God if my husband threw me out onto the street. This pastor/counselor made himself immediately available to my husband as well (though they'd never met). This pastor prayed with me and I went home that very night and confessed to my husband (October 13, 2000). My husband had all of the standard reactions...anger, deep hurt, disbelief, depression, nausea, etc. My husband spent that night grieving and in prayer. I stayed on the couch and cried like a baby and prayed not for myself or what would happen to me, but for my precious husband. The next day, my husband went for counseling. He stayed gone for most of the day...he needed to be away from me and I let him. That night when he came home, he took me into his arms and we made the decision to fight for our marriage. We cried together and prayed together. It was one of the most intimate moments I have ever had with my husband. My husband has shown me what a Christ-like love really is...he has amazed me with his compassion towards me. He's never once treated me as I deserved to be treated.<P>Which brings me to why I'm here today. I'm still struggling. I know that I'm so fortunate to have a husband who practices love and forgiveness towards me on a daily basis. But, when I look at him, I think of how I treated him when I cheated on him. I think of how I continue to fail on a day-to-day basis in showing my love to him. I think of how he deserves someone who is, well, not me. I think of how amazing he is and how amazing I'm not. Sometimes at night when he is asleep, I snuggle up next to him and cry because I feel so sorry for what I've done to him. He doesn't throw my past mistakes in my face, so, why can't I forgive myself? Also, I worry about my husband because we NEVER talk about what happened. It's as if it never happened. Is he really okay?<P>The pastor who urged me to confess told me that one day what I'd done would almost seem like it had happened to someone else. The memories of what the other man even looks like are starting to fade and I'm so very glad about that...<P>I love my husband so much that I ache...I just don't know how to show him.<P>I'm sorry this was so incredibly long. I thought I was in a "condensed version" mood today...I was wrong. <P>Peace to all,<P>Jill

Jill,<BR>I remember you and your story. I even responded to you (one of the few times I've ever posted). You definitely did the right thing in confessing to your husband. As for now, I think this will pass eventually. Obviously there is some reason (unmet emotional need?) for what you did. Is your husband now meeting that need? Have you guys filled out the emotional needs questionaire? Are you meeting his needs?<P>The reason I say that is your comment about your husband not treating you like you deserve to be treated.... How do you think you deserve to be treated??? Is it punishment that you feel you need, because of what you did? Feeling unworthy of a betrayed spouses love is totally normal in these circumstances. He sounds like a great guy, and I'm very happy for you that you have someone who treats you like you DESERVE. Maybe not like you feel like you deserve right now, because you cheated, but how a loving wife deserves to be treated. <P>You know something Jill, you don't fail him on a day to day basis showing him love, you are there right beside him. To him, I bet that is the most important thing. Your absence from his life would probably be the most devastating thing he would ever go through (and I'm sure he thinks that), so staying there with him, fighting for your marriage, being committed to working through this is probably all the proof of "love" he needs from you. He is more than likely still scared of losing you, so having you there, by his side, is Love....<P>As to his silence, he is okay. There will/may be a time when he wants to talk about it more, or maybe not. Let him decide when that time comes.<P>You did the right thing Jill, and you are continuing to do the right thing. I'm proud of you.<P>

Jill, I can relate to how you feel. I didn't confess . . . I was caught. I was too much of a coward to do what you did.<P>I also feel sick over what I've done and spend a lot of time crying over it. When I look at my H I feel tremendous guilt and wonder how I could have hurt him so badly.<P>We're on the road to recovery now and sometimes it seems that I'm having a harder time getting past everything than my H is. I'm also having difficulty forgiving myself, but I know God has forgiven me and in time my H will too. It's hard, I know, but in time you will be able to forgive yourself too.<P>I truly admire your courage.

Hi Jill-<BR>I'm sort of new, so you probably don't recognize me either. I had an A for over a year. I didn't confess until I was caught. My husband has been unfailingly devoted since D-day. I have worked at forgiving myself, but it seems to be a very hard road. My H & I still talk about the A sometimes, mostly in generalities, or if there is a trigger. We are actually getting to a stage that he thinks I am healing more slowly than he is. I still struggle with deep remorse, self-doubt, huge guilt. This wears us down because I don't often feel light and happy and optimistic. He would like to see us move forward in our recovery, and we seem to be stalled. I am trying to understand how we can achieve a deeper emotional connection that was lost. It feels like it requires emotional honesty from me, that at this stage isn't helpful. I have in the past been the queen of denial, so getting honest about my real needs and fears is not a simple thing. And since the A, a lot of my deep feelings are still pretty negative. So I am working at how to make me a happier person, so that I can be a better partner. I don't know how exactly to do this, but it is what I am trying to figure out.<P>It has been less than a year, so I think we're doing ok. Anyhow, I don't have any answers for you, but I empathize with how you feel.

Well Jill you don't know me, but I know your story. I was new to the site when you confessed, and like I often do, I did a search and brought up all your posts. I'll say that your story is imo one of the most involving, and in the end courageous I've read. I was convinced for a time you were using your counselor as a way to "chicken out", but when you shared about how you really got honest with yourself, and decided to confess, I must say I was deeply moved.<P>I was happy to see your post today, and I, just now, mentioned it to my W on the phone. She followed your story too, and was dealing with some things she felt she had to confess, so I kind-of figured maybe you had inspired her. I'll send her a copy of this as she can't get on the site now.<P>All the best to you Jill. Have you and your H considered Retrouvaille, or one of the other marriage week-ends? I think if you gently shared with your H that you need to work through some of your feelings he would be willing. Yes, at only 4 months he's still hurt. When he's ready he'll open up. I know you're grateful for your husbands understanding, and you should be. The first 4 months around here was a nightmare of pain, and anger. Of course your being brave enough to confess played a big part in that too. Confessing to him spared him unbelievable pain. Don't say he never would have found out - he might have and it would have been so much worse - take it from one who found out the hard way. <P>Anyway, give yourself a break Jill. You've done a lot to make ammends to your H. Thank's for posting again. I'm so glad that your working on your marriage. You could help others here too. There's someone here struggling with the same issue right now.<BR>David

Hi Jill,<P>It has been awhile. You may not know this but I have been sending a few people to read your story as they struggle with telling their spouse about the A.<P>I am going to give you the same advice that I gave SKM when she first posted here. You can even go read her first post to make sure I don't mess up. <P>In essence you are making a disrespectful judgement about your H. It is for him to decide if you are worthy of his love. It is for him to decide to remain in this marriage and forgive you. It is for him to decide to get past your A.<P>Just as you had to decide about the A, ending the A, and finally telling your H, it is now his turn to decide.<P>Apparently, he has decided. He has decided that you are worth every bit of the pain. He has decided that he loves you deeply. He has decided to forgive you, although there still may be pain left in his heart.<P>Jill, he has decided these things for a simple reason. He needs you in his life above all else. It is really that simple.<P>If you would like to find additional ways to tell him you love do so. If you would like to find out how he is doing ask him. But don't judge yourself for him. He has already judged you and found that in his heart you are loved. <P>So go in peace Jill, he has decided. And guess what he decided what most of knew when you posted her. You are a woman well worth loving. <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Jill,<BR> I remember you. Glad to see a happy ending to your story.<P>Mike<BR>

{Jill}...<P>I remember.<P>God loves you.<P> <P>Jim

Jill,<P>I remember you also.<P>The feelings you are experiencing are related to God telling you He loves you. He really does love you which is why you are responding to disliking what you did. I can relate because even though I did not do what my W has done several times I still feel bad for the sins that I committed against God through her. <P>These feelings are part of the healing process concerning your relationship with God because you sinned against Him through your H. God truly loves you as He does all sinners. You have to accept His love so that He can help you to heal your relationship with Him as well as with your H.<P>I am extremely PROUD of you for your feelings. I only wish my W would feel that way about us.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Jill -<BR>You've done the right thing! It took me a while to confess also, but in the end it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Fight againts the depression and guilt. Talk about those feelings with your counselor and your H.<P>I wish I had told my H just how unworthy I felt, it could have helped me through my depression. I also felt like I wasn't deserving of his love and attention. Juts continue to pray and talk about your feelings and your recovery will be so much sweeter!<P>Vee

Hi.<P>JustLearning, you mentioned that I am making a disrespectful judgement towards my husband and that it should be his decision to love me, etc. Well, you're right. Good point. Never thought of it that way before...<P>Boomer, somewhere in my heart, I guess I still think that I deserve to be punished and that maybe I "got off too easy". I don't know...you've read my posts...I've punished myself more than anyone else ever could have. <P>DavidB, you mentioned that maybe I could help someone else through a similar situation. My sincere hope from the first day that I posted here was that someone, somewhere wouldn't feel so alone knowing that someone like me was out there going through the same thing...<P>Susie, you're not alone. Keep posting here! There are some great people here. Goodness knows I have walked the same path that you are now walking. Hang in there...it will get better.<P>Thanks to everyone who replied. Thank you for your kindness and words of encouragement. Thank you for your honesty and compassion.<P>Though some of you are new, I do feel like I've gotten letters from old friends. I feel better just having been here today. <P>Jill

Jill...thank God I found you! I don't even know you but I am up late because I am struggling!<P>It has only been one week since I have confessed. My husband too has been Christlike and supportive...he was able to move past his anger at me because he was relieved to have his truthful wife back at long last.<P>We have been lovebombed by friends and received so much prayer on our behalf.<P>I know I am forgiven by H and God but I can't seem to stop punishing myself. I am also struggling with thoughts of x or OM or whatever I'm supposed to call him. I realize my foolishness..esp now that things are missing from our home including my engagement ring and grandmother's wedding band...and I have seen the light and adore my husband for forgiving me. <P>but yesterday and today I am struggling--maybe with memories--or adjusting my ways...I used to write OM daily online and though I don't miss him, I miss writing. does that sound stupid? I feel horribly guilty for this and just want him out of my mind, my thoughts, my life. He has not made any contact.<P>Maybe for me since I am (or was?) a minister alongside my husband the guilt is compounded. I have not yet confessed to the congregation and have been advised not to..just yet. I am banished from even entering my own church for at least 2 weeks (not H's decision..topheavy admin in our denomination) H has chosen courageously to carry on without me and found a church I can worship at as of course, I need ministry myself.<P>I feel awkward posting replies, kinda wondering if I have any right to share my responses, ideas, feelings, etc.<P>Thank God I found you and all the great people that wrote you. You all helped me. I think I will be here often for awhile.<P>One of you mentioned how courageous Jill was to confess. Thank you. I know I don't deserve any accolades for my betrayal but I needed so bad to hear someone say it took a ton of courage. I, too, was ready to be out on the street, penniless with a torn suitcase and nowhere to go but instead I found the love of my life is an even greater man than I ever realized before.<P>sorry so long...preacher, writer thing, you know ;o)<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Jill, good luck as you pursue the correct course. Anytime any of you courageous confessors is willing to talk to my wife, the denier, please let me know.<P>WAT

Oh, Jill, I am SO proud of you! I remember posting to you encouraging you to seek counseling and look towards confessing to your husband. I am so pleased that you listened to God and allowed Him to lead you on the right path...the path toward healing.<P>Keep in mind Jill that your confesssion actually was the beginning of healing. As long as the secret was within you, you couldn't begin the process. So, even though you had ended the affair, it is like you were on "hold" until you took the step of confession.<P>Also, remember the story of David and Bathsheba. I know that is a painful one, but the end is about restoration. After all that he had done, God called David a man after His own heart. No, God didn't take away the consequences of David's sin, but He loved him and forgave him and blessed him many times in the years after. <P>Forgiving yourself is going to be the hardest part of this journey. I know that it took my husband much longer to forgive himself and find peace and healing as an individual, than it did for me to forgive him and our marriage to be healed.<P>Jill, Satan is furious that you ignored him and listened to God. He hates the fact that he lost another one....that your marriage won't be destroyed by infidelity. He is the one who wants you to live in guilt and shame...those thoughts come from Him. I do believe that initial guilt over sin is good....it produces remorse and repentance. But living in guilt is not of God. <P>I'm sure I recommended Torn Asunder to you....I never miss a chance to recommend what I believe is the best book available on marriage restoration. You might still get some good information from it and so would your husband.<P>Take care Jill. God loves you and He will give you the strength to make this journey and to find forgiveness for yourself.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

fresh start<BR>Yours is not the first Christian marriage, or the first ministry marriage, to be hit by infidelity....and sadly it won't be the last.<P>There is a thread on here about Christian marriages that have suffered from infidelity....the author is perch. I recommend that you read it to see that you have friends and support here.<P>My husband's brief affair was with a woman in our church, someone we both considered a friend. God heard my husband's prayers for help and He orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair. He has given us a brand new, magnificent marriage. In fact, God moved for us three years ago today. It was on the evening of February 23, 1998, that He led me to the proof of the affair and the strength to confront them both and end it. He also provided us with a Christian counselor to meet with that very night so we would begin the journey to wholeness. God has moved in so many ways in these three years....it would take a book to tell it all.<P>I say all of this to tell you that I care and I will pray for you and your marriage. I want to recommend a book for you and your husband to read. It it Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Of all the books I've read on marriage restoration after an affair, I found it to be the best. It is scripturally sound and has wonderful advice for both spouses.<P>You say that you miss writing to the om. That is where my husband's affair started too....through emails with this woman. Let me suggest that you turn your desire to write towards your husband. That is what my hsuband did and we spent many hours sending each other emails...love notes, poems, even working out some of our tougher issues. Affairs start easily through email because you feel you can open up more because the person isnt' there in front of you. It is an easy fantasy world. I encourage all married people to use that fantasy world to the best advantage for their marriages.<P>Take care of yourself and let God carry you for a while. He wants to heal you and your marriage....let Him.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Jill,<P>I remember you and added my 2 cents worth to your posts. I'm so happy for you and your husband that you have found the path to rebuild your marriage. You have great courage and are an example to all.<P>God bless you.

Jill,<P>I think you're doing pretty well on your effort to rebuild your marriage. You're four months past confession, and I think that the guilt that you're feeling is pretty normal.<P>I'd suggest that you look into books on forgiveness---you need to forgive yourself for what you've done. It's not that your husband is so amazing and that you're not---you're both amazing---God wouldn't have it any other way.<P>Let your husband know how you feel, and I'm sure that he can help you with your self-forgiveness. Of all the things that my wife and I faced with her affair---her self-forgiveness was the biggest struggle. Stick with it---you will have a better marriage when you get over that hurdle.<P>God bless---and it's great to see you back here under these circumstances!!<P>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>So very good to see an update from you! After seeing some of the posts you've gotten... esp JL's...I can add nothing but warm wishes.<P>You have come so far & done so well...<P>Hugs & prayers--<P>Kathi

Jill - I remember you as well. Just learning's advice is right on the money. In fact, I recently went through all of my old posts (since it's been over a year since I first confessed the affair to my H.)<P>When I re-read a lot of my posts, gosh, it was just horrible. If you get time, do a search in the recovery section under my username - SKM - and you'll see the whole sordid mess. If I told my H once, I told him a hundred times, that he deserved some one who was better than me. I felt like one huge low-life - not only for what I had done (the A) but even for my selfishness in recovery. I mean, for a long time, I felt really sad, remorseful, guilt-ridden. It seemed like everyday I was asking my H if he still loved me, and WHY he still loved me.<P>It has taken me such a long time - a full year - to realize that I made a huge, horrible mistake. In fact, mistake seems to light of a term from what I had done. I mean, when I say mistake, it sounds like I just misspelled a word and it can be erased. What I did was worse than a mistake, for me, I had sinned against God, caused my H and my marriage an enormous amount of pain. For a long time, I couldn't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. <P>In one of my earlier posts, I even said that my H loves me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me - and I guess he saw some good in me that I just couldn't at that time. <P>I guess the thing that made a huge difference in my recovery was that my H did deserve better. He deserved a wife that was happy, confident, self-assure. He deserved a marriage that was fulfilling, that made him happy. He deserved someone who supported him through rough times, he needed someone who made him feel good. He WANTED me to be that person.<P>For a long time, I didn't feel like I deserved my H. He has been absolutely amazing through all of this. In fact, after I confessed the affair, he gave me a card - I still have it - it said "The top 100 things I like to do with you." then you open it up and the card said 1. Kiss and Hug and stuff and 2. Repeat 99 times. Only my H crossed out 99 times, wrote in 98 times, and wrote 3. grow old with you. How do you think that made me feel? I still cry when I think about it.<P>Just as Just Learning told me a year ago - your H loves you because you are a very special person. You meet his needs, and he's smart enough not to let you go. You know, you're H sounds a lot like mine, so I know how you feel - that you'll never be able to make it up to him. But, my H said all along that I made a mistake but that he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life "making it up to me." That he loved me just the way I am - always has and always will. Sure, I have many, many faults. I have made many, many mistakes, but that doesn't make me a bad person. But, our Hs do deserve better - that's why you have to get a grip over your emotions. And I have to smile here because, the hardest thing I had to do during recovery was to forgive myself. If someone were to ask me today do you forgive myself - I would have a hard time saying the words, but I think I do. I know I have learned to live with my mistakes.<P>I have definitely changed - completely - I am a totally different person now than I was a year ago. So, I think it will get better for you, too. As your pastor mentioned, to me, at this point - one year into this recovery - it does feel like it was a nightmare that happened to another person. It's true, and I can testify to that.<P>I mean, today, I have a much closer relationship with God - and that is the best possible thing to have come out of this. I have a much better attitude - last year, this month even - I was so caught up in despair and self-pity that I tried to kill myself. Didn't work, praise God, but I was mightly desperate. I felt like I would never be a good person, contributing partner in my marriage - or anything really worthwhile.<P>But, your H loves and NEEDS you. About 4 months after I confessed the affair, my H ended up losing his job. He had already forgiven me, we were already in recovery, but he said "K, you don't think you help me, but you're helping me now. Not just financially, but, I felt pretty much like a loser for losing my job, but here you come home and say you can do anything you want - you're smart, outgoing, friendly - if you want to change careers, go back to shcool - do whatever, just look at this as an opportunity."<P>I'm not saying that I liked my H losing his job or anything like that - but throughout your marriage, there have beent hings that you have done that have supported your H. You may not have noticed, and maybe your H didn't recognize it, but believe me, it meant something to him.<P>I often ask my H why he stayed with me even after all that I had done - plain and simple answer - he loved me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm sure your H feels the same way.<P>If I can, I'd like to recommend three books that helped me regain my sense of self-worth, and change my attitude from one filled with despair - to one filled with hope and happiness. They are: "Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back" and "Strengthening Your Grip" - both by Charles Swindoll. The third book is "Just Like Jesus" by Max Lucado. Jill, you're a good person, you made some mistakes, but you and your H both deserve to be happy. One of the ways in which I began to regain my self-esteem was recognizing that I have control over my attitude and my actions.<P>So, if you want to show your H that you love him - there's a million things you can do. Tell him every morning and every night. Send him messaages or call him during the day just to say hi, how's it going. Treat him to a day at the ball game, or to another activity that he likes. Spend time with him - just getting to know him, his dreams, his hopes, his fears. Shower him with love. But one of the best ways to show your H that you love him is by showing him that you are happy. Show him that you love him and his choices by loving yourself.<P>Sorry my message is long, but heck they all are. . .it's just my way! Take care, it does get better, but you need to forgive yourself, you need to get control over the fact that you are a good person and that you deserve your H's love.