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#903151 02/23/01 09:55 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 246
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Jill Offline OP
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Freshstart,<P>I hope that you will eventually find this post!<P>I am so glad to hear that you've confessed and that you're are also blessed with a husband who loves you.<P>I think that it's wonderful that you are being "love-bombed" with prayers by friends. My husband and I have not shared what has happened between us with anyone but God, our Christian counselor/pastor, and the folks here. Our families don't even know that we went through a difficult time. <P>When I confessed, my husband seemed to be relieved that the OM was someone that he didn't know and could never know. I think that my husband was relieved to know that the OM was not someone that he had to worry about running into at the grocery store or the movie theater. Quite frankly, I'm relieved about that, too.<P>You had mentioned that you missed writing to your OM not necessarily because you miss him, but because the writing is something that you were accustomed to doing. In the weeks after I ended contact with my OM, but hadn't yet confessed, the desire to write to him was extremely strong. I think that this desire was due to the fact that no one else knew what I'd done, but the OM knew everything. The emotional tie to him was very strong.<P>You're still struggling with guilt and shame? Me too! Don't you just hate that?!! Despite the fact that we have an amazing God and amazing husbands, we are letting satan (used a small "s" deliberately) beat us over the head with things that God has already forgiven us for. Like someone in a previous post mentioned, some initial feelings of guilt/remorse are good -- those feelings bring about a change of heart/repentence. But to consistently live a life of defeat and shame when we know we've been forgiven by God is a slap in God's face. You know that. I know that. Now, how to we go about claiming that? I believe we claim that through our relationship with Him -- a daily prayer life -- staying in His word -- opening ourselves up to be loved by the wonderful men that He gave to us...my heart knows what to do. Unfortunately, my head doesn't follow my heart very well at times.<P>You were also talking about how courageous it was to confess. I can honestly say that I was so terrified to confess to my husband that I was physically ill and broke out in hives before he came home. I cried and prayed for strength. When my husband came home, I ran to the door and grabbed him by the hand. Without saying a word, I pulled him into the living room and made him sit down. I immediately started to cry...and you know the rest of the story...confession took place. I knew that if I hesitated even for a second that I would never tell him and satan would win -- again. I don't call my confession courageous on my part. But, I do call it an act of God. God moved in my heart, and I responded. It was that "simple". Had I confessed before God had prepared my heart or my husband's heart, I would have no marriage left to speak of. I believe that confession takes place in God's timing -- not in some ill-timed outburst to relieve one's own guilt. <P>I can't remember from your previous post...did you struggle to confess? How long had your relationship with the other man been over with before you confessed?<P>You mentioned that you can't go to your own church for two weeks? How come?<P>It's good that you have a church to go to until you can return your own church.<P>I look forward to getting to know you better through your posts. As I've mentioned before, this is a great place -- I think that healing can take place when the forums are used in the right way. That has been my experience, anyway.<P>Hang in there! You're on the road to recovery, and that's a great thing! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Peace, love and joy to all...<P>Jill<BR>

#903152 02/23/01 11:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
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SKM Offline
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Jill & Freshstart -<P>As a fellow confessor, I know exactly what both of you are going through. A big part of my EA/PA was daily contact with the OM through email/telephone. It was really weird - even though I was filled with deep regret, remorse, etc. . .I still felt this urge to contact the OM. But, you're right, it's just satan trying to lure you back down that path. <P>I mean, I sinned, and God doesn't give us rules so that we "don't have any fun." I think He gives us "rules" to follow because He knows what is best for us, He knows what will hurt us. I believe the devil will tempt you, put thoughts into your head about the OM - but you just have to push those thoughts out. Instead of sending an email to the OM - I send emails to my H, instead of sitting by the phone "wondering" about the Om - I physically had to go for a walk, buy a soda, buy a candy bar.<P>The hardest thing I ever had to do was to tell my H about the A, but even worse than that was confessing the affair to God. I mean, I know He knows all, sees all, but actually admitting what I had done, expressing remorse, seeking penance - I was greatly humbled before God. While the affair was not a good thing at all, this humility before God, I think is a good thing.<P>Prior to the A, I always went to church, but for some reason, my relationship with God was not very strong. In fact, a huge gap had developed. Somewhere, along the lines, I forgot that God loved me for who I was, and started to replace that love with wordly love - because it was here, it was now, it was immediate.<P>After the affair - and really the only reason that I am here is because of the power and grace of God. I was even more desperate. Not only did I have an affair - I was consumed by guilt and despair. I almost made things worse by trying to kill myself. I was a mess. I felt like I was losing my mind, I felt unworthy, unloved, I felt like I was living on a "sub-human" level. I was down, and the devil attacks even harder when you're down. I had turned from infidelity, but the devil was working on my guilt - and I actually believed that God could not possibly love me anymore. I was ashamed to go to church, I was ashamed just being around other people.<P>But, a lot of things happened over this past year. I actively joined a bible study - and it's ironic, the first chapter we studied was James - which talks about temptation, etc. . .So, I knew that I was dealing with something more powerful than me - but not more powerful than God.<P>And I began praying - I mean, I always said nightly prayers, that kind of thing, but it was like I prayed for other people who were sick - never really prayed for myself. I think, through this whole thing, God saw that I was relying more and more on myself, than relying on Him. God did not tempt me; God did not call me into despair - the devil did and I fell for it. The only thing that saved me was my faith. In the end, the day after I took a bunch of pills, etc. . .I simply prayed to God. I told Him that this battle was too tough for me, that I needed His help - I needed Him to fight this battle for me. I knew it was satan putting the thoughts in my head, but I prayed that God help me to use His gift of self-control - so that I could resist temptation to talk to the OM.<P>When I was growing up, I had this image of God - that He was this really old but kind man. I pictured Him with a long white beard, long white hair, wearing a long white robe. He had compassionate and kind eyes but was very powerful and very strong. I knew that He saw everything, He knew everything that we said and things we didn't say. He knew everything. When I was a kid -and up to very recently, I thought God lived "somewhere out there." I knew that God was with me - but He was outside of me. In a book I read by Max Lucado - he talks about how God wants to live within our hearts - that He is not "out there" somewhere, He wants to live within us.<P>I always remember people saying "God is knocking at your door, are you going to answer?" But really, and now I understand this, it's more than just answering the door - its about inviting God in, not just for a visit during times of trouble, but inviting Him to live there, in your heart forever.<P>So, that's what I did. I prayed that God come and live in my heart. And, that's really when things began to change. I mean, I've gotten a lot of support from my H and my friends here on this site, but the greatest source of strength came from knowing that God lived within me - therefore, as a result of that, I try to only focus on that which is good, that which is pure, that which is worthy of praise - for His glory, not mine.<P>I, too, think it's good to feel remorse for what you have done. But the key is knowing that God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way (Lucado). My faith was tested - not only by the affair - and actually, that wasn't a test - it was temptation to sin, and I gave in. But, our faith is being tested, even now. God knows what is in your heart. If He is able to forgive us - and we know that He has - then the test is for us not to doubt that love that He has for us - it is perfect and merciful. We should repent from our sins, feel remorseful, but then we need to start living our lives as God had intended.<P>I don't believe He wants us to be sad and miserable, filled wiith remorse and despair -to do so would be rejecting or doubting His love for us. I did that, too, and have turned from that way of thinking, too.<P>I think in recovery, I regret so many things - the affair, the despair. But the thing that was the worst was when I was afraid to go to church even after confessing, doubting God's love for me was really, I imagine what Hell would be like - where there is no presence of God or of His love and mercy. When I was under that, I can tell you I didn't just cry, I "wailed" in pain. It really was miserable. So, don't fall into the same traps that I did.<P>Jill - I recommended a couple of books to you on another thread, but really, the best book is the Bible. I mean, right now in Bible study we are reading Genesis. And to read through all the personalities in the Old Testament - to read about Abraham, Jacob and others - they all made mistakes, too. Even King David, if you get a chance, read up on his story in the Bible. God did not plan for David to sin with another man's wife, nor send her H to the front lines of battle to be killed. David had free choice -just like we have free choice. David asked for forgiveness, repentented and relied on God's will for his life. He was chosen by God - that doesn't make him immune to temptation - even Jesus was tempted in the desert.<P>The thing that we need to do is to develop a closer relationship with God, rely on Him not necessarily on ourselves, to trust in Him and His plan for us. So, just trust in Him now to get you over these next hurdles. Pray, and keep a prayer journal and you'll see that God answers ALL of our prayers in one way or another - in His time, not our time. Pray, but also listen, he does answer.<P>Take care, you both are in my thoughts and my prayers.<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited February 23, 2001).]


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