Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 14
H
husky Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 14
Ihave been reading a lot on this site. One thing I don't see is anyone talking about how they as the one who had the affair is feeling after the disclosure. My H told me a few days ago. Actually I confronted him and he spilled the beans. Since then, he says he is committed to us and that he "broke it off" yet he still feels this need to protect her from pain and asked that I not contact or take revenge on the OW. After all he says it wasn't her faulty. He is acting as if this NEVER happened and wants to stop talking about it so we can put it "behind us". I can't. He won't tell me what he is feeling. Obviously I know there are still feelings for her, but I need to hear something (I know each situation is different) anything that may help me to see things from his perspective. Yes I am reading His Needs, Her needs. Please help.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707
husky, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I know the initial shock is terrible, but you've come to the right place. There is a lot of support here. What has worked for me, but it took me months to reach this point, is to focus on the part I played in the distance and dishonesty that had developed in our marriage. This made it easier for my H to begin exploring his part of the problem, rather than blaming me for the A, which he did in the beginning. He has been living with OW for the past 3+ months, but now wants to end the A, he's just stuck in the same feelings your H has about protecting her from pain, asking me not to contact her, especially not to tell her we've continued to have sex during their relationship. Although every situation is different, there are a lot of similarities and reading how others are dealing with this most horrendously painful situation has been a lifesaver for me.

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 14
H
husky Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 14
Thank you for responding. He does not balme me and tries to put all the blame on him. I think that is to make him deal with his guilt. I have been reading the site and I downloaded the emotional needs survey. We each will get a copy and then discuss it. Maybe this is all too fresh and time is the only way. Maybe I just need to stay focused and wait it out. Thank You!

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
Wanting the BS to "get over it" is pretty common, as is the "innocent OP". Your H taking the blame & the guilt is a good beginning.<P>If he is open to reading, both of you read: <BR>SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley<P>Other good reads:<BR>AFTER THE AFFAIR by Springs<BR>TORN ASUNDER by Carder (Christian)<P>If at all possible, see a counselor. For one thing, if he is not wanting to talk about the things you need to understand or want to know, it is a safe place for those things to be discussed and processed.<P>There does come a time when some time has passed and you both are committed to reconciliation that the affair does need to be put "behind you". But a few days is rarely enough. You will need to see accountability, optimally he should send her the "no contact" letter and stick to no contact or tell you when contact happens.<P>He didn't confess his affair, you confronted him with it. And, quite honestly, if he is asking you not to contact her (you shouldn't anyway, OP are very prone to lying and you don't need that on top of everything) nor has he told her "no contact" it may be that he is not shutting that door as firmly as he should.<P>And, if he is protecting her, who is protecting you? I'm not suggesting you say this to your H, but keep your mind as clear as you can. He can't be loyal to both of you.<P>There is a way through this, and some marriages do recover, but it does take time, love & patience on both your parts. MB will help you a great deal, you may want to check out the phone counseling available through this sight with Steve or Jennifer Harley. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 70
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 70
Husky;<P>I am the WS in an EA. My husband knows all of the details. I am struggling back to my husband, but it is not easy. My feelings were/are as follows [in the order they occurred];<P>1)anger-that I cannot have both relationships<BR>2)desperation- that I must give up my "best-friend"<BR>3)breathlessness - when I want to communicate with my EA but cannot [I actually get a crushing feeling on my chest]<BR>4)anticipation- that I may once again fall hopelessly in love with my husband [he is truly a peach] I feel confident that this is happening using MB principles.<BR>5)thanksfullness-that my EA never became a PA---I would have been lost forever! <BR>6) TEMPTATION! On a daily basis to reestablish contact with my EA!<P>Unfortunately, I am not yet feeling<P>Guilt or Remorse for my EA, ironic, because I am normally a very ethical person. For now, I just feel ripped-off! I pray daily that God will put this into perspective for me.<P>I can understand that your husband doesn't want to talk about it....believe me...it isn't far from his mind at any time! I'm sure his feelings are very confused. At some point when he understands what has happened he may be more willing to talk to you about it. For now, I would give him some space. If you don't know about Plan A/B yet, please read about them immediately. Fortunately, my husband never showed anger toward me for my confession. I was completely withdrawn at the point that I disclosed my EA, and would have used any negative reaction as my excuse to bolt. [I have been married for 20 years!]<P>Husky, the loss of my EA was, in some ways, worse than a death. When someone you love [and who loves you] dies you have closure...and good feelings about the relationship you had. When you stop an EA, you still love that person and you know they still love you......and you also know that that person is only a phone call away. It is truly torture. <P>Please give your husband a better option....make it okay for him to find solice in you. I know it is asking a lot, but if you give him grief it will just make the other woman look more inviting.<P>I pray that your realtionship will be healed<BR>C&I<BR>

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Husky,<P>I you want a full review of a year of recovery read SKM's post. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002290.html" TARGET=_blank> SKM </A><P>I have bookmarked it here. Just click on the SKM and it will take you to her post.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4
ok i am the betraying spouse and i absolutely ditto what confused said!!!<P>perfect words.<P>mercy

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 91
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 91
Hi Husky...from my user name, I guess you can see how I felt after my disclosure. I think I keep coming back to this site in hopes that sharing may help someone else and maybe relieve me of my guilt a little bit. First thing I want to add, is that I feel your husband better start talking. In fact, I read this in one of my "after the affair books". Any question that you have-he should answer honestly-but beware...specifics hurt. I have been on both sides of the fence and know first hand. It might not be best for you to get too specific for your own sake. As far as I was feeling...embarrassed because I had lied to so many people...devastated that I could do this to my husband and children...I didn't feel badly for the OM at all. Some of your responses said they wanted so badly to talk to the other person...I just wanted mine to go away. I guess that is how I felt most...I wanted the whole thing to go away...I couldn't believe I did what I did...and I felt so responsible for the permanent alteration I made in what was a good marriage (still do). I was overwhelmed that I could do so much damage...and maybe your husband is...that is why he doesn't want to talk about it? It is overwhelming the guilt...if you are truly sorry. But as I said in the beginning...you are in the driver's seat...he owes you everything to make you more comfortable...do not feel for one second as the betrayed spouse you need to make him feel comfortable. It is your turn. I made a mistake-maybe my husband could have done more to prevent this mistake...but by no means did he ever ask for what I did to him...nor did I have a right to do it. I hope this rambling helped. Good luck...and by the way, my husband and I would be considered in recovery and are doing well. I wish you the same.

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 246
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 246
husky,<P>I revealed my EA and PA to my husband on October 13, 2000. Fortunately, at the time of confession, I had already cut-off all contact with the OM in 1999. And, I'd already been through "withdrawal" in 1999. So, my husband didn't have to deal with me still being involved with someone else...my relationship with the OM had long been over and done with.<P>How have I felt since disclosure in October?<P>* Angry at myself at times<BR>* Angry at the OM<BR>* Insecure (despite the fact that I have an amazing husband who forgives me and promised to stay with me forever)<BR>* Irrational<BR>* Depressed at times<BR>* Like everything bad is my fault<BR>* Lonely (even though my husband is trying very hard to be my friend again)<BR>* Unworthy to have such a great husband<BR>* Relieved that my husband didn't ask me to leave and that he didn't leave me, either<BR>* Relieved that the most horrible thing that I've ever done isn't eating me alive as it was before<BR>* Glad that I have a "fresh start" in my marriage<BR>* Ashamed that my husband looks into my eyes and sees a former betrayer<BR>* Glad that my husband knows me and still has the courage to love me anyway<P>Can you tell I've been on a roller coaster of emotions? LOL [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jill<P>

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 306
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 306
I took the coward's way out and disclosed nothing - my H discovered the A. After d-day, I felt sick, ashamed, and so full of guilt that I didn't want to look at myself - I felt I didn't deserve to live after what I'd done.<P>Now, 2-1/2 months later, I still have bouts of depression and sometimes I look at my H and wonder how I could have hurt this wonderful man.<P>My H has to deal with the feelings of betrayal and devastating pain. Knowing I'm the cause of all this and that I almost destroyed my H . . . I get that all to myself.

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 14
H
husky Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 14
Thank you for all you honest responses. I know it is hard to talk about this which is why I think my H still refuses to talk. I am feeling a little more confident in the way he is responding to me - even though personally I am still cautious of his actions and trying to understand why he is behaving this way - warm and cold - no hot yet. The fact that he doesn't want to talk makes me believe that he truly hates me and that he wants to leave the marriage (17 years). Maybe this just takes more time. It has now been 3 weeks since he stopped his affair and he seems a little more open- am I just seeing this or is it true? I am still having a horible time getting him to talk to me - not about the affair - we agreed, that is behind us- but about what had caused it to happen. I take some of the blame for why this happened (didn't meet his emotional needs I guess) but we still need to work this through. We start counseling tomorrow - he isn't sure he wants to go - I'm not sure if this is because he really wants out or if its because it will make him face what he has done, the damage it has caused to me, and that it will make him take a hard look at who he is as a person - maybe a little of all of them? I think he's one great person. Does he think that about himself? Hopefully counseling will help him (and us)work through some of those feelings you all stated you felt (or still feel at times). I am sure he must be feeling some of the same things - I certainly hope so, if he doesn't we are doomed. I don't know for sure since he won't talk about it. My hope is that we can come away from this much stronger and better people. Thanks again [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 91
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 91
I wish my husband would talk also, but he constantly says he doesn't need that. I do need that-so we have to strike a balance between the two of us. I don't think you should take it as an offense that he won't talk. You have to remember, from the WS point of view (and I have been on both sides of this unfortunately)- you do want it to go away and wish you could take back everything. Case in point...St. Patrick's Day was the beginning of my A, we survived this week-we didn't talk about it (it's been two years)...and I just wished every reference to that stupid holiday would have gone away. Maybe that is how he feels. It is very, very difficult realizing how bad you have hurt someone and knowing you are responsible for such lies, and hurt.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707
Sounds like things are getting a little better for you. I'm glad to hear it.<P>My H broke off A a week ago and moved back home. He left last night to go stay with a friend because he feels he can't talk to me about his pain over missing OW and on anger at me for hurting him. Before the A his anger was focused on my writing in my journal about an old boyfriend. Now he's angry at me for legal action I took while he was gone because he was misusing money from our jointly owned business to support A while neither he nor OW worked. <P>Both these feelings are very hard for me to take. We are in counseling and, in fact, have an appointment today. It's good to hear responses from WSs about what they go through. Unlike sosorry, my H still seems focused on his own immediate needs and feelings, just as he was during the A. He is still making all the decisions and I still feel that my feelings and needs are not really important to him. If I'm unhappy, which I am right now, it just seems to make him uncomfortable.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 44 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,805
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5