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Joined: Mar 2001
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Any advice? <BR> My H of 20 years had cheated with one of my (x) best friends. I feel betrayed on both sides!!! I can NOT believe this! I still love him and want to work it out. They ended the actual sexual part of their relationship a few months ago...but continued to call and express feelings for each other. But I only found out about it because the woman got into a fight with her husband and told him...then it got back to us. Only then...did he tell me!! What does this mean? He has cried and begged forgiveness and wants me back. He has done all the right things and I WANT to take him back. But I am scared. Because he did not tell me of his own free will and since they seemed to have feelings for each other can I believe him when he says he no longer does care for her at all? Can it end just like that? He is doing all the right things and we are reading the book together "How To Survive An Affair"...as well as "His Needs, Her Needs". I am so shocked and hurt by it all. I have known for less than 3 weeks now...but in less than a weeks time H had talked me into sleeping with him already. Some say this is too soon. Some think I am being manipulated. Please help me. I love him...I want it to work! Am I being made a fool of again? Or is it possible all of this has made him realize how much he loves me? (as this is what he says). I WANT to believe him..but am I wanting that so badly that I am imagining it to be so? Too, from the denial the other woman is experiencing and things she is saying...I fear she is very much in love and obsessed with my H. I fear she may cause us trouble. She has told me lots of things I think trying to get me to leave my H as she wanted them to be together so badly. She was willing to leave her H but my H would not leave me...said it was wrong. I am scared! WE have 4 wonderful children involved in all of this! I want to do the right thing. I do NOT want to be used and manipulated again!<BR>PLEASE HELP ME IN ANY WAY YOU CAN! Anyone been through something similar? And advice? Pros? Cons? Thanks so much!!! I have always adored my H and I still do. I don't know WHY I have not been able to stay mad at him for a longer period of time than I have. He has just cried and been so incredibly sweet to me! Sweeter and more tender with me than he has been in 20 years of marriage! Is it possible that we can have a better than ever marriage now? Or am I being had...as some seem to think I am! Thanks!<BR>

Joined: Oct 2000
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If your H is willing to work on what was wrong in your marriage & the big one if he is willing to do the no contact with OW, you will more than likely have a greater marriage 2 or 3 yrs down the road. but the key is no contact with the OW.<P>Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>read all you can, see if he will do counseling with the Harley's.<P>Your H's explanation to you 7 yr old was beautiful. <P>Sometimes I think it is harder for the children in very relgious families than it is for others. Everything they have been taught their whole life is now throw out the window because WS was unhappy, or couldn't help themselves. <P>You have a long road, but hang in there.<P>Prayers for your family

Joined: Sep 2000
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t2p - I understand the hurt and shock because my wife is still having a affair with her best friend's husband. It has torn both families apart. Compared to others, you're way ahead of the game if he's willing to work on the marriage. This is very recoverable. However, don't plan on staying close with your friends. Make an appointment with Steve Harley to make sure you're doing things right. You have a lot of reason to be optimistic.<P>WAT

Joined: Jan 2000
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T2P,<P>Check out this link <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008910.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008910.html</A> <P>Or just search Duck and Weaves posts under the Read-only posts. Our storys are very close to the same. Also read anything that HGbrawner has posted. Another story close to ours.<P>Scarecrow---Duck and Weaves husband

Joined: Jul 1999
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My first suggestion is to NOT listen to any more stories from the OW. She most likely wants you to dump your husband so he will come to her. Not only that but I talked to my husbands OW after finding out and to this day the mental images of them together CUTS TO THE CORE! It has been almost 3 years now and there is still not a day that it doesn't come into my mind, though it is much easier to deal with now than it was then. They say it takes 2-3 years to really heal from infidelity and in my case it seems to be true. I don't get so angry and disgusted now and I can see things more clearly. As far as people telling you that it is too soon for intimacy with your husband only YOU know when it is too soon no one can decide that for you. If your husband is reading the books and willing to go to counseling then that is a GREAT start. And also a NO CONTACT letter should be made if the OW is still trying to keep in contact. U can block your phone (which is free) so that OW's calls can not be sent or u can change ur phone number. Don't think of it as an ending of your marriage but think of it as a BEGINNING of a NEW MARRIAGE! It can happen, though it will take, pain and anger to get you there, but you will get there. You may also start by asking your husband how he felt when he was with OW..MEANING what it is he liked about himself/feeling when he was with OW, what feelings were brought out by her that he felt he didn't have in your marriage? It may be hard to ask and hear the answer, but then you can try to cultivate those good feelings into your own marriage. (Most say that they felt wanted/needed and attractive by OW). Good luck to you and continue to come here, you will see that you are not alone.<p>[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited March 13, 2001).]

Joined: Dec 1969
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Yes, you can build a wonderful marriage in spite of an affair. My husband and I celebrated the third anniversary of the birth of our new marriage just a few weeks ago and are quite happy and content together. It wasn't an easy road...lots of tears and talking and expressions of pain and anger and more talking...but the journey was worth it.<P>I agree with the advice not to talk to the ow any more. Make it clear to her that you have no need of her input, opinions, or version of the affair. There is pretty much nothing she can say that will help you or your husband. Her goal is to destroy....<P>I'm not living in your house, but what you describe sounds very much to me like your husband has had a huge wakeup call and stands a very good chance of becoming trustworthy again. Note that I said "<B>becoming</B> trustworthy" again. This is something that he alone has to tackle....it is up to him to rebuild the trust he has broken in your relationship. As he demonstrates this behavior, then you can begin taking the risk of trusting him again. It won't be easy...I can't lie....but it can be done.<P>I want to recommend my favorite books to you....I believe Torn Asunder by Dave Carder is the best book available on the restoration of a marriage after an affair. It is clear, concise, and has great information for both spouses. I also got some good info from After the Affair by Janis Spring. She lists a laundry list of physiological effects of the revelation of an affair on the wounded spouse....you will see that your reactions are normal, you are not going crazy. Inability to sleep through the night, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, long crying jags, sever mood swings....all are just a part of what you are probably going through.<P>Don't worry about continuing to love your husband and even to be intimate with him....except for one thing. Unless he has proof that he used condoms, he needs to have an HIV test. I know this only adds to your pain, but it is something you need to deal with asap. As far as making love with your husband, this can be a very healing thing for both of you.<P>At 3 weeks you are extremely early in this process. I won't lie to you, it isn't a fast journey and it isn't easy....but if you will both commit to the work, you can rebuild your marriage. My husband and I celebrated our 20th anniversary just 7 months into our healing....so I understand how this has hit you.<P>I can't tell our story fully without sharing what God did and has done for us. I know that He orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair and that He was with us every step of the way home. Through the One Year Bible (New Living Bible edition) and the wonderful devotion book by Henry Blackaby, Experiencing God Day by Day, God spoke to me daily and sent his peace and comfort to me. He provided me the ability to keep working when I didn't have the strength. If you have a relationship with Him, I urge you to turn to Him now. If not, I urge you to seriously consider seeking Him out....you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31


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