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Joined: Feb 2001
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elo Offline OP
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Hi, Anyone here live in or around the New Orleans area?<P>Let me know. elo

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We don't live in New Orleans, but my H is going to be there the first week of April for business. Want to be a spy for me?? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hum, New Orleans was one of the places H may be right now on his vacation with OW. Keep you eye out OK?<BR>Lora

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I am in Baton Rouge...close enough?

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elo Offline OP
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Hi, <BR>thanks for replying about New Orleans.<P>So you want me to be a gumshoes. I actually considered hiring a private detective to obtain the evidence of<BR>adultery. It is a very delicate legal matter. I was also advised, biblically, to seriously not expose my H sins; let God do that. So I opted not to hire a PI.<P>I live in LaPlace which is about 10 miles from New Orleans, and 7o miles from Baton Rouge. I was born and raised in BR. I graduated from LSU.<P>Where do you live in BR? Do you know any counselors in BR that deal exclusively with persons who spouses are having an affair?<P>Please reply. elo

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I have been seeing a counselor whom I think has been helping me with my problems rather well. Her name is Marcia Cox. Her office is behind OLOL hospital.<P>She has been married herself for 26 successful years so I think her credentials are sound. She has not counseled my W because my W refuses to go with me or by herself.<P>My own thread is in the "Negotiating in Marriages" room under "How do I get back in the house?"<P>I have been in BR for 11 years now, and I've lived all over the town. About 4 years ago, I moved out to Denham Springs because I felt I could get more house for my money out there. I work in Donaldsonville which makes for a long drive. So far so good, except for my failing marriage.<P>Keep in touch, and let us know how it's going.

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Hi<P>I live in Louisiana.<P>Jill

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elo Offline OP
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Hi Jill,<P>Would you like to share any of your story?<P>elo

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elo,<P>I don't ever mind sharing my story. Though, I have been posting here for a while and I'm scared that some old timers might be SICK of running across my story. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>My story: (very brief version)<P>I have been married for 8 going on 9 years. I don't have children. I had an online EA at the end of 1998 and early 1999. Unfortunately, the online EA turned into a PA in March of 1999 when I met the OM for the very first time out of town at a neutral location. I ended all contact with the OM shortly after our meeting. Our face-to-face meeting was one thing that helped me break back into reality.<P>As many "old timers" here know, my intention was NEVER to tell my husband or anyone else about the affair. I came here many, many times justifying why I would never tell. Initially, my reason for not confessing was that I didn't want my husband to have to deal with knowing what I had done to him. I didn't care what would happen to ME, but I did care about what what would happen to my husband and extended family. I wanted to punish myself. And, until I confessed to my husband on October 13, 2000, he had been completely clueless as to what I had done to him.<P>My husband is an amazing man. When I confessed to him, he went through all of the emotions one would expect. We chose a pastor to go to for prayer and counseling. And, we promised each other that we would stay and fight for our marriage. My husband never once asked me to leave. And, he never treated me with anything but respect, even after I confessed to him. I lots of ways, I feel that I am still having a more difficult time than my husband in getting past all of this stuff.<P>Yes, I'm very blessed. Things are going okay here. Things are up and down. We're rebuilding and getting to know each other all over again. We're learning how to meet each other's needs. We had an awesome time tonight. We acted like kids. We laughed together. I can't remember the last time we laughed that hard together.<P>Feel free to ask questions if you'd like. I don't mind. I continue to come here. I hope that if I keep sharing what I went through that someone else might be helped.<P>Now, what's YOUR story? <P>Jill<P>

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elo Offline OP
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Hi Jill,<BR>Just read your post. Thanks for sharing.<P>You are catching me at a very low time, as of course the last year has been a very low time for me.<P>I am on roll call.<P>If my H had walked out and he was not having an affair and alcohol was not a factor, and the greed for money was not a factor and the he wanted to see our children, I might have a different perspective--even though I want to stand for my marriage under the conditions of infidelity or no infidelity.<P>Affair is one year old; he is possessed by the devil; he thinks he is above the law of God and the law of man. He is irrational and I can't reason wiht him about anything.<P>Contact from him has been very minimal. Well, when I answered the phone on Sunday, he said hello, Liz. I had sent a plan A letter about 3 weeks ago. So, I have really been trying to psyche myself up to avoid any love busters when I finally had contact with him. Well, he immediately attacked me and accused me of being the one responsible for causing foreclosure on our house. He accused me of being the one who would displace me and our 3 children and put us on the street--AND HE IS THE ONE WHO DESERTED US AND LEFT AND HAS BEEN TRYING TO SUPPORT TWO HOUSEHOLDS FOR A YEAR!<P>There was absolutely nothing I could say to reason with him and I attempted ot remain as calm as possible. He implied that divorce was on the way-and I and our kids need to accept the REALITY of him living with some one and he doesn't consider it sin. <P>And whose is left in the real world to raise 3 children alone with no money from him? He said he had no intention to continue to support us and he would see to it.<P>Do you really think I can convince H for a second that he is the one in a FANTASY WORLD WITH THE OP?<P>Listen to this irrational answer: I said to him: is it true that the op's daughter lives there in that apartment?<BR>He answered: yes, her daughter lives with her. And I said and waht about you--you are there in physical form--soshe is living with you and the op--and you have no intention of supporting your children.<P>I am devastated. If divorce is around the corner, I know taht In my heart that I will not be the one to dissolve this marriage.<P>Tonight I found a note in my daughter's notebook: it read <BR>MY Life: I hate my life because a part of the puzzle is missing--my father. This broke my heart, Jill.<P>I plan to copy this and send it to him.<P>What I keep trying to tell myself that this is not about me-this is about his decisions to drink and to have an affair and defy the law of God and of man. <P>H has a narcissitic personality disorder and he does abuse alcohol. He is in two fogs and he has no guilt nor shame about what he is doing.<P>I keep telling myself: Yes, I still love him very much. But I can't force him back. Yet, in a divorce, he will be entitled to visitation and his children don't want to see him. They are so devastasted. In one year, he has hardly seen them. And he expects them to call and visit him like nothing is wrong. They don't want to go near him in case he should be with the op and that would bring home to them the disrespect he is showing to me his wife. That would bring home to them the sin he committs day after day.<P>What perspective can you bring to this for me? What suggestions might you have for me? Would you have your children write to him? Would you continue to write plan a letters no matter how much he tries to dump on me and I know in my heart that it is all lies.<P>AFfairs are born of lies and die because of lies and dishonesty. In my case, it appears that d. will come before affair dies-and I will be left without my husband and our children will be denied the daily presence of their father. <P>So deeply saddend I am...<P>elo<P>

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I am living in Louisiana right now which is why my husband and I are in this mess. We moved here a few years ago. I HATE it here. Became very depressed. He didn't know what to do for me so he did for himself and had an affair! What a sweetheart. <P>But to more important things. I know nothing of LA law. Hear it is quite archaic. Will I be entitled to alimony in this state. I'm married 33 years--haven't worked in over seven years because of our move (always a job, not a career). Want to leave but for financial security I'm still here. My husband wants to keep the marriage; he has apologized profusely, is remorseful, is in heavy duty counseling for being so weak in a crisis, etc., but I don't respect or love him any longer and HATE LA so I'm trying to get on with my life on my own. But the money issue is a big one for me. <P>Would welcome some legal advice from fellow Louisianians (sp?). Thanks. S.

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elo,<P>I'm sorry to hear that things are miserable for you and your children right now.<P>No, I don't think that you can convince your husband that he is in a fantasy land with this other woman. The fantasy is what is keeping him from seeing what he is doing to you and your children. He doesn't WANT to see right now. If his eyes are opened, he'll have to leave the other woman. When I was cheating, one thing that made me despise myself and what I was doing was how my husband continued to try to show love towards me, even though I was such a hateful person. I would go to bed at night under enormous guilt and pain and think to myself, "I'm cheating on THIS man??? WHY???" Because of my husband's love, my eyes were eventually opened.<P>You mentioned that your husband attacked you on the phone the other night and blamed you for everything. This is all part of the whole affair thing. He feels guilty, so to make himself feel better, he attacks you. <P>It's NOT your fault.<P>No, I don't know how to love a spouse with an alcohol problem. I don't know what it means to be deserted along with children and wonder how ends will meet. I don't know what it feels like to have to try to do what's right for myself AND for the children involved. I guess it's like God loves us. He loves us when we don't deserve it. My mom says that when I can't love someone, that I just need to let God love them for me. Does that make sense?<P>I would NOT encourage contact between your H and children if your husband's alcohol problem is so severe that he drinks all the time, even in front of the children. I grew up with an alcoholic mom (she's been clean and sober for many, many years now), and the memories of her drinking still make my heart sink.<P>As far as having your children write to their dad goes...well, would he write them back if they actually took time to send him a note? I can't imagine the pain of writing a parent that didn't write back. If you're going to counseling, I would definitely ask about that. I know that you want to protect your children as much as possible. Yet, I know that you want them to have a father.<P>I guess the bottom line is that you do have to wait for his fantasy world to crumble. You do have to wait for the other woman to show that she is human, just like you and just like your husband. He thinks he's found a perfect soul-mate.<P>You mentioned that the other woman has a child that will be living with her and your husband. Maybe being around this other child will eventually make him feel guilty that he's abandoned his own children. One can only hope...<P>How old are your children?<P>IF all of this comes to divorce and your husband actually gets visitation rights with your children, I would insist that he would have to go to some form of counseling or rehab for his alcohol problem and that the visits with the children would have to be supervised visits until he gets his act cleaned up. I do think that your children have been through enough without having to be alone with an alcoholic dad. If all he's shown your children is selfishness, greed and alcoholism, no wonder they don't really want to see him right now...<P>I'm sorry I don't really have any great advice. I do hope that things get better for you and your children soon. I hope that healing will take place in your marriage. I hope that healing will take place in your husband's heart and that he will see the pain that he is causing others. I hope that he will stop drinking.<P>Let me know how you're doing, elo.<P>Jill

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Hi, Jill,<BR>I was so pleased to receive you reply.<P>Your perspective as the ws was very interesting and revealing. <P>In the recent conversation, my H and I had, I told him many times that I still love him. Do you think that this is pushing him farther away because it makes him feel more guilty? Should I not tell him that I still feel this way?<P>I am so confused and of course I want to maximize the chances of reconciliation and minimize the chances of d.<P>I can not think clearly because of the emotional state I am in. <P>I know that he continues to drink but I don't to what extent. My daughter saw him coming ouf of local pool hall/bar recently on a SAturday morning. This brought home to me that affaur keeps him in a fog and the alcohol causes the fog to thicken and not lift.<P>Your letter was beautiful and I was very touched by some of the comments you made. I have tried to keep my heart in my faith. I want to set this example for my children because he is a negative role model. <P>H is defying God's law and man's laws. I don't even want my children around him; yet, I actually feel responsible that he left and that he doesn't make any genuine sincere effort to see them.<P>Just last night, I read in my 11 year old daughter's notebook: My life is horrible because a very important of the puzzle is missing--my father. Oh, this broke my heart.<BR>I just sat and cried about this. What kind of person would put themselves before their family? A selfish, self-indulgent person who probably has a narcissistic and/or borderline personality.<P>Since he has started and stopped a d. 2x in the last year, I find myself hanging onto the "straw" that maybe he will stay ambivalent long enough and this affair will die a natural death. <P>Yet, from the vicious attack I received on Sunday, I fear the worst very soon.<P>Our house is being foreclosed on May 6; he told the mortgage company 3 weeks ago, he would send $5000 to bring the loan current through May. The money has still not arrived as of today. When he called on Sunday, he told me he had paid the $5000. Even now, if he sends it, it is late and a new agreement will have to be made--and the amount due will be higher. I even know that he is two months behind on his truck notes.<P>He supported us for 5 months after he left, then the money trickled to nothing. I filed for Child Support because I didn't have to retain an attorney since I have made the committment I would not file for d. In Oct., a judgment of Child support was rendered and he could pay conditionally for the first 30 days. He didn't. Then, when I did seek some legal advice from a Family specialist, he advised me to file Criminal Neglect Charges. I did with deep reluctance and regret. On Dec. 11, he was laid off of his job. Well, on Dec. 12, H was arrested and spent 24 hours in jail. So, now, he is still very angry. <P>He claims taht being arrested caused him to lose a job he was supposed to start on Dec. 13. (?) I do know that from Dec. 18 until the Child Support contacted him in late Feb., he had been working but he had not notified the Agency about his new employer. Then, they notified him and told him he must reveal his employer or they would revoke his driver's license--he acquiesed. I have received three checks now. <P>So, now, I know that he is receiving less money (50%) less each week--and I know that is CRIMPING HIS AFFAIR LIFESTYLE.<P>As I have read in so many of the books on affairs, affairs are born of lies and deceit and they ususlly die of the very lies that glue them together. When real life problems began to really take their toll (in a long term emotional and physical affair as this one), then the affair is not worth the trouble any more. When the op is more annoying that what they provide to the relationship, then the death begans--can be slow or quick.<P>What I see, unfortunately, is that a d. is coming before this affair will end. That reality devastates me. <P>He is so casual about the sinful life--he doesn't care what our children think; he says this is the reality!! And who is in the real world --me and my chidren. <P>I asked him if that girl was living there and he answered:<BR>Yea, she lives with her! The girl lives with her--the mother--but not with him! What a foggish comment? right.<P>Have to go for now.<P>Where do you live in Louisiana?<P>Please reply.<P>Any perspective from a ws that would help me, the bs, would be appreciated.<P>Liz<P>


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