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Joined: Dec 1999
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Tulip Offline OP
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Boy, I need to vent! I'm feeling like everything is my fault right now even though I know better. Today, ex came home and everything was just fine. I casually mentioned that a friend had mentioned that when the time comes she would love to go to childbirth classes with me. <P>Ex becomes enraged. He says that he has no say in anything blah, blah, blah. Well, last I heard he was moving out, thought I was making a mistake by having this baby, still thinks that I should have an abortion, etc. Not to mention, most of his recent actions are unsupportive. Recently, told me that I should go and down and apply for AFDC and tell them I didn't know who the father was. It took me a while to pick my jaw up off of the floor on that one.<P>Sooo, I calmly told him that I was trying my best to plan the future, and I was afraid to mention anything to him in fear of his becoming angry. He had made his opinions very clear. Thus, I felt he really didn't want much to do with the situation anyway. <P>He tells me that I have no clue what he is going through nor do I even care. I told him I knew he had a lot of stress on him also, but that I felt I couldn't come to him with any issues because I'm afraid he is just going to turn his back on me again. I explained that all of the promises he made to me when he returned home had not materialized in the slightest (going to counseling, cutting contact with ow, spending time together, etc.) Boy, did that one set him off! He screamed that he didn't think that he should have to do any of those things because he doesn't feel that is what he wants. Okay, so it all boils down to what he wants!!! <P>He continues to rant and rave and tell me how all fights are my fault. At this point, I'm good and pissed. He then rather sarcasticly asks me if I wanted to know what he was thinking about today? Okay, this is the part where I'm a bad girl. I said "why is it that you only want to inform me of what your thinking about in a fight?" Why can't you just say "hey, you know I've been thinking about...?" <P>Now, what is really driving me crazy is that he always pulls this crap and says "I was really thinking about sticking around, but because YOU started this fight, I've changed my mind." Nine times out of ten he says this. And I'm sure that is where he was going with the "do you what to know what I was thinking today comment", being that is usually the words he uses to start off with. YUCK! <P>Anyway, he stormed off and left. Now, that I've got it all off my chest, (thanks [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) am I really egging some of this on? I am at the end of my rope and wish he'd just make up his mind!

Joined: Aug 1999
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Let's p*ss off that guy good then shall we? I want to go to childbirth classes with you too-when the time comes of course-LOL<P>Some people would rather blame others for their troubles than accept them at face value [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I have been there and lived that (I think I got that from NB) and I found that NO matter what I did or said it made him mad.<P>I finally was able to see it was his problem - all his - not mine.<P>When "I made him mad" it gave him a good excuse to leave-and do whatever he wanted.<P>I think you are doing just fine [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Vent any time-you deserve to.<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

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Tulip Offline OP
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heartache,<P>Thanks! Hey, maybe we should invite everyone *except him* and make it a childbirth class party! lol <P>I don't know what I'd do without you guys. He'd probably have me believing I was completely crazy by now. <P>My mom called and invited the kids and me out to dinner so it helped getting out of the house and not "sitting" here waiting for him. Besides it got me out of cooking so he had to fend for himself [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Oops! Am I being cruel? lol

Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi Tulip, <P>Oh my dear, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your H only knows how to respond to you in anger and sets you up to take his guilt. Sounds very familar. H did that to me in Dec & Jan. In fact, I taped 3 of his violently angry voicemails that he left on my work answering machine. <P>Later, when H was calmer, I reminded him of these calls and informed him that I recorded it. He asked why? I said to remind me of how different he had become. H was scared that I would use it as evidence against him in something (they are so paranoid). I thought, thanks that's a good idea. <P>You know some of my best ideas come from H and OW. Let's see, OW claimed I was having her investigated and staked out. Hmmm.... good idea. H claimed I would try to contact OW. Hmmm.... an idea (kind of good at least at the time). H thought I would use his violent outbursts against him in court. Hmm.... good idea. There are a few more. What I am trying to show is that often they (WS & OPs shoot themselves in the foot). They are their own worst enemy and we need to let them see that. <P>Please don't take your H's outbursts personally. When he is yelling at you for something he did, he is really yelling at himself because he may feel guilty. I took that for about 2 months. Then I told H that if he wanted to yell at me for something that I did that was stupid, go ahead. But in the future, he does not need to yell at me for something H did. He needed to take that anger and yell at himself. I no longer will be his verbal punching bag. <P>You know what? H stopped yelling at me. It was hard, I saw him shake and shudder holding back all his anger, but he remembered and has kept his word on that piece. Wonder why he can't keep his word on other things? Hm....<P>It is ok to vent. Just take care of yourself and your little one. Over here on the west coast pulling for you. <P>L.

Joined: Nov 2000
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Tulip,<BR>I may be wrong but I think he is very confused and he is using his anger to cover up the fact that he feels that way. Let's face it most men do not like to think that they are incapable of making a decision and sticking to it. The fact that he becomes angry in this fashion when he talks with you, helps him to justify his current behavior. In other words, it is a viscious circle. <P>The other difficulty with situations when they are this confused,is that they are looking for guidance because they cannot make the decisions themselves. This is where the OW steps in and starts to pull the strings and call the shots. She is giving him advice which he is only too ready to accept because he cannot deal with the feelings of confusion. And she,of course,is thinking of no one but herself.<P>Maybe the next time you speak to him you can try and present a situation to him and ask for his advice, make it appear that you do want him to have a say in things. Maybe something like, 'I have a problem with such and such, I was thinking of doing this, what do you think?' Try not to ask his advice on any major issues to start with, keep the problems small, until he feels a bit more confident about his own ability to make decisions for himself. This is very difficult to do as you want answers to the big questions. You have to build his confidence and make him feel safe to open up.<P>These are just my ideas.<P>Hope

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Tulip Offline OP
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Orchid,<P>Thanks for the support. It has been an interesting morning already. Ex leaves for work and is rather nice. He calls a little bit ago wanting to know if my mom will babysit the kids today so we can go somewhere and talk. I told him I knew she couldn't because she already has plans. Anyway, he says okay we'll do it some other time because he wants to be far away from everything thing when he tells me how he feels and what is going on in his life. Hmmm...okay????<BR>Now, I'm just waiting for his moods to switch again!

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Tulip Offline OP
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Hope,<P>Thanks for the advice. I think it is definitely worth a shot. I'll let you know how it goes.<P>Tulip


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