Hi,<P>Hm.... picture is changing. Doesn't always? Anyway not getting hopes too high. H & I talked, this is it. Tough Love.... The last chance..... <P>A decision has been made. H is coming home. Now for the tough part. Need assistance about the withdrawal. By the hour at this point. I have already sent clarity's posts about baby lift my fog. Need a bit more support on this one. <P>NOTE: OW will pull and is pulling hard. H claims that even though they are done, OW is trying to open the door. H is trying to close the door but has a hard time resisting. <P>I have suggested that H concentrate on love of son (love for me is weak but he is working on it). I asked him to think of one nice thing to do for me and I will do the same for him (each day). Also suggested that when thoughts of OW creep up in his head that he replace it by saying: "I love my son and my wife." Or at least: "I love my son and want to be home with my family." He seems a bit resistant to that. <P>He is going to change all his cell phone & pager numbers. Maybe tonight. He has driven up near her home and turned back twice in 2 days. <P>H is carrying the mental burden and anguish. I have asked him not to read too much into what she is saying and he needs to be firmer in rejecting her calls. I anticipate OW will try to make H feel guilty, pull him back, turn on the charm, threaten harm, whatever and need to be prepared for it. Remember the fog is still around a bit but getting thinner. <P>Ok now what advice do you all have for me? As always, I am listening...... Speak up, tug on my ear....... HELP!!!!<P>Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

Can you take a vaction with him??<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Oh.....be careful with the vacation part. I don't know your entire situation but in some cases where the WS is feeling love for the other person they may not be ready for an intimate vacation. A "regular" vacation, yes but if he's afraid your wanting more then he can give now that won't be a good idea.

Opps....wait....If the two of you could go on vacation with no strings attached (if that makes him more comfortable), only you two need to know that there isn't more. Going away alone will only make the OW assume your being loving and intimate and that may cause her to back off some too.

Congratulations, Orchid! I'm genuinely happy that your husband is coming home to you and your family. Question: does he have physical contact with the OW at this point? I mean, are you in the same city? Is it a possibility that he'll run into her? I remember this starting on the Internet.<P>This is going to be very hard for him, I promise. I treated withdrawal kind of the same way a drug addict treats cold turkey: one minute at a time. The first three days I let myself think anything I wanted, as long as I didn't contact the OW. I let myself be miserable, feel sick, hate my life, have pity for myself, you name it, as long as I didn't contact her. I survived that first three days, but it sure wasn't easy. From that point it's really a matter of will power. If he knows she's wrong for him, if he knows that you and your son are right for him, if he knows the right thing to do is leave her alone and concentrate on his family, he has to be stronger than his temptation. Maybe he can't stop his mind from thinking about her, but he can stop his fingers from typing on the keyboard or from dialing her telephone number. He can make them hang up the phone if she calls or hit 'delete' if she emails. Whatever he has power over he has to exercise power over, even if he draws his strength from nothing more than a belief in doing what is right. This really is an addiction he's coming off of. Whatever it takes to get past the first few days or week is what he has to do, as long as he doesn't contact her. Any contact will put him right back at square one again. Period.<P>It helped me to be active in my marriage. SKM told me that when she was tempted by the OM she used to force herself to do something for her husband, even if it was just going out to get him a chocolate bar. Tell him to go outside, get away from the things and places where she's most likely to find or contact him. I like the vacation suggestion. No matter what goes on in his head, he MUST NOT have contact with her if it can be avoided. We'll work on his re-commitment to the marriage when he's got the OW out of his system.<P>I consider it a good sign that he's gone toward her house and turned around twice in two days (I guess that answers my question about whether they could have physical contact). This is him exercising power over what he can control. Spend as much time with him as you can. You may have to be his power for him at times. If she pursues him it will be tough, but that's the situation he set himself up for when he (and I, and all WSs) decided to play with fire. This is going to hurt, no question. He has to use will power more than anything right now. He can do it. I did it. Others have done it.<P>Over a month has passed since no contact started for me and my whole world has changed. It got easier in a hurry for me, even though my marriage is still building up from the ashes. It's wonderful to not hate myself anymore. It's wonderful to be able to sleep at night and eat. The weight that's been lifted off of my shoulders is almost indescribable, and all of the work is yet to be done. Think of how it will feel in six months or a year! I'm myself again. Recovering that has been a blessing.<P>He's come home. He's chosen his family. This is the RIGHT thing. Tell him to cling to that until the storm passes and worry about starting over when the worst of withdrawal has passed. As for you, I guess Plan A is the way to go, but try to understand that he'll probably be working off of sheer guts for the first little while. Stay close to him, but don't smother him. Try to be proud of him. Good luck!

Clarity? - Now will you take that stupid ? off your name? . You learn well grasshopper!<P>Orchid - Ditto to everything Clarity said. I couldn't have said it any better myself. Your H can and will get through this, and by following the advice Clarity gave you - you'll see that time away from the OW really puts things back into to perspective. Best advice for your H - send a no contact letter and then ignore her no matter what she tries to pull. P.S. I, too, am glad your H has decided to come home - it's really a big step.

We learn best from the best teachers, SKM.<P>The ? stays. For now.

Hi, <P>Thanks for the quick replies. Ok, the fog is rolling in again. H is off today. Boss did not have any work. He is looking around for something to do. Of course I 'gently suggested a honey due list'. Pick up son from school, straighten out the garage. <P>H has to 'think about it'. Now he is saying he feels that if he comes back it may be easier for him to leave again with or without OW. Because he has done this before. <P>Yes, me too.......?!?!?!? H says I won't leave because I am not like that. Well, you never know...... Don't feel that way now. Trying to get across to H that he needs to concentrate on today. Cross tomorrow when we come to it until he is stronger in his decision. <P>Is anyone out there willing to talk to this guy? If yes my e-mail address: lhmkem@yahoo.com <P>I know this is going out on a limb but H really has not talked to too many other than OW & I on a regular basis. H basically cut everyone off. <P>Ok, that is the current status. Boy this by the hour thing is sure stressful. <P>L.<P>

The suspense is killing me. Looking for support. I understand that everyone is busy. So maybe I just need to vent. <P>H went for a walk. I hope it is not to OW's house, she lives 10miles from his place. I asked could he please inform me of his decision (waffled again - now wants to throw in the towel) before he does it. He hestiated and did not reply. <P>Waiting to see if I will get a phone call or hear it on the 6 o'clock news. .........<P>Question: How long was it before, you actually felt like you were in recovery? Too soon to tell? I think so. <P>L. <P><BR>

orchid, Breathe.<P>That is what you tell us all. Slow down. Take a moment. <BR>I am not sure I have anything other to tell since I am FAAAARRRRRR from where you are but<P><BR>I am praying and hoping for you and your son and even your H.<P>Peace,<BR>Hopelessmom

Hi Hope,<P>Ok, you are right. Holding my breathe is not good for my complexion. Turning shades of red, purple and blue does not match what I am wearing. <P>A long time ago, I was sent by my job to a class to see what people do under stress. I was classified as from a detail/computer type (not nerd) person not under stress to a more individual laid back type under stress. Believe it or not. <P>Guess certain things change people. Thanks for your reminders. Yes I do say to breathe and I must heed my own advice. Ouch!!! Feels better though. Anyway, a little humor is helping me stay focused. <P>Thanks I needed that. You are a good lady.<P>L.<BR>

Orchid,<P>Yes, stay focused and breath. You are sooooooo lucky that you are being given this chance. Don't push too hard or he'll go right back to her.<P>You are in my thoughts!!!<P>Take Care.

Hey Orchid, I'm the WS to wounded2673, your looking for a WS to talk with your H? Is he willing? Our D-day was 8/20/00. I had additional contact with OW after that date and wish I hadn't, real recovery didn't start till it stopped, that was 11/10/00. If you think it will help you could read some of my posts to see if I'd fill the bill, let me know.......Unb

Well, you seem like you are on a roller coaster ride, but guess what it doesn't really matter. God is the only one in control. You don't have any control, any more than the OW does. God is really in control of everything and he has a plan that sometimes we don't understand. We can not force or break anything that is not meant to be. I trully believe that you should encourage him but let him make his own decisions. I trully believe, like my WS he has to decide to choose to leave the OW and relationship just like he chose to start it. Noone or thing can make him choose but God. I have learned to completely turn this whole mess over to GOd now and let him work. I spent 4 1/2 hours with another couple who GOd has completely restored after he left her for 2 years and she didn't know where he was and God worked totally on both of them and their insite last night and obedience to God in letting him work payed off. I need God's blessings so I intend to be obedient and Let my WS make all the choices he wants, so that I know he is the one that truly wants it and it will come from God. I hope you know and trust God, I couldn't have gotten through this mess with out him and my church family. Just give up control of this mess, it isn't about you, it is about him and his God and letting God get in his face and talk to him. I have seen GOd take all the pain and suffering from me and the kids and transfer it to my WS in just the last week, so God is working even though it didn't seem like it. Relax, enjoy your time away and do some things that you like, don't focus on him now, he is getting way too much of your precious attention and time. Hope this helps and I am praying for you! SEF

Hi All,<P>HopeAZ,<P>Thanks, yes I am breathing a bit calmer now. Had an emergency at work. Man, people and their money....... (just joking - I work with payroll taxes and it is important to 'everybody). Anyway, I still don't know the answer. H went to work on some guys yard spraying weeds. H said he was going for a walk!!! Oh well, H agreed to pick up our son from day care. I will see him when I get home. <P>Thanks again for taking the time to help me. I know you are going through a lot right now. We are a great support group here. <P>Sef,<BR>Thanks for your pep talk. God does play an important part. He also gives us the smarts to make decisions, then we have to live with out choices and consequences. I understand that H needs to make that decision. I just don't do well on the fence. I did not put our family there and no longer choose to sit there. This is the cause for the anxiety. Patience and time, I preach it and must live by it. <P>Unbelievable,<BR>How great for you to take the time and respond to my plea for help. I hope one day H could do the same. He really is a nice guy. I will checkout your post and see if H is agreeable. I sure would like to have him talk to you. <P>Life is so hard. Those making a come back go through rough times. It is hard for those like me to excercise patience. Your understanding of his feelings would benefit both of us. <P>I wish you and your wife well in your recovery. It is good to see examples on this board of all those who are trying so hard to better themselves. We are all imperfect but those that put forth the effort will be blessed. <P>Like I said at the beginning of this post, I don't know the outcome. I am however, preparing for the worst. <P>Thanks to all,<BR>L.<BR>

Hey Orchid, thx for the kind reply. I will e-mail you with my e-mail address, if your H wants to talk, great, and if not, thats fine too. Maybe just reading some posts here will help him as it helped me. Unb

Orchid,<P>Just thinking about you. Hope things go well.

Orchid,<P>As you know, my life has been pretty much a rollercoaster ride lately so I don't believe I can offer you any good advice, but just wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and take care. <P>

Orchid - I didn't reply earlier because, well, I haven't been to this point yet and others were giving good advice from my perspective.<P>Just wanted to say good luck, your support will always be here.<P>Dave

Hi all,<P>I have been waiting to post due to some technical difficulties. Both the computer and phone lines were down last night. So here I am a day late and a dollar short. <P>I would like to thank you all so much for your support. I have let H know how much you all have meant for me and been there in my time of need. If he does come back (nothing is certain until it is done), then he needs to pick up where you all have left off (as far as emotional & mental support)and let him carry his resposibilities as a father and husband (and then some....).<P>You are all to be commended for taking the time to spend it helping others. I will respond to you all individually later today. I have a lot going on at work and need to give it my full attention. <P>Again, thanks so much. <P>"Be cautious as serpents yet innocent as doves."<P>Mahalo,<BR>L.<BR>