My husband (who was extremely need before the A)- continues to say that I am not doing enough to show him how much he means and how important he is. If I miss ANY opportunity to call him, see him, etc... he thinks I don't care. His extreme need for affection has always been so mentally exhausting for me...now, of course, it's worse. I think that if I can do this, thing will improve more quickly (it has been six months)- I am not a real affectionate person, and never have been. He's so sensitive.. If I say my son's hair looks good (he's 3), he'll say "you didn't say anything about mine." I can't say anything nice about someone else, without him feeling left out. What can I do to help his ego (he's a very good looking man and in shape)-to let him know all these things.. and not wear myself out in the process? I work full-time and have two children. I always felt like he was selfish in the past (jealous of my time).. now, I'm trying to repair our marriage. I don't want to look like I'm trying so hard that it doesn't have a lot of meaning.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leighann:<BR><B>I don't want to look like I'm trying so hard that it doesn't have a lot of meaning.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe that is what he needs though. I have gone through the period that your husband is currently going through, and I will admit that there are still times when I feel the emotions that your husband is feeling, just not as often or intense now. Your husband is probably comparing how you treated or acted with the OM, and how you treat or act with him, and more than likely, because of the nature of affairs, there is a very noticeable difference. <P>You say that you are not a real affectionate person, maybe you did something, or said something to the OM that tells your H that you can be an affectionate person, and he wants you to be like that with him. Yes, he has to make changes in meeting your needs in order for you to be that way with him, but even if you are not a real affectionate person, you are going to have to learn to be that way with him, learn to meet this need of his.<P>Does your view of your husband's need for affection as being extreme, come from the fact that maybe he is starving for this affection because he hasn't been receiving any? I say that not to be hard on you, but I say that because of my own situation. When things are going well between my W and I, sex is never an issue, but when my W's affair was going on and we were not having sex very often, it became a huge issue, it became the focal point of our arguments up until D-Day. So maybe receiving affection is such a focal point in your relationship because maybe, inadvertantly, you haven't given your husband enough time and affection?<P>

Leighann - I can identify with your husband somewhat. My top EN not being met by my wife was affection. I think for me, this was really better characterized as reassurance. I felt taken for granted and probably got sensitive about it like your H. It wasn't an ego thing, just a need to feel loved. In my case I didn't know where I stood with my wife because she never initiated anything - no touching, no "I love yous", no intimacy. I hope this was more extreme than your case, but it could be that he doesn't recognize the things you do do or you just need to do some simple things that you aren't doing now. Think of it as reassurance rather than affection and maybe some things will come to mind. You can't imagine how important a simple touch can be when you walk by to guys like us.<P>Maybe there's some good stuff on the ENs forum.<P>WAT

Oops, I'm not a guy, but I can relate to the fact that I was needy before the affair, then the fact that my H gave all the sort of attention I had been asking for to this other woman was so painful. Not only did I not get it, but someone else did.<P>It created a sort of leaking lovebank...if it isn't being filled all the time, it empties. I'm better now, but I remember being jealous of the attention he paid to our daughters, even feeling foolish and witchy about it because I knew how much they needed that from him.<P>My H also has had low self-esteem...I've always complimented him, but it's like I'm supposed to, I think the OW's compliments were more intriguing. And, maybe your H thinks you are going by rote? A way through that is to find "perfect" gifts...like my H is a St. Louis Rams fan, I just found a used book by a former Ram from the 70's and gave it to him. I think (?) it meant a lot to him because it wasn't something like cologne or a card that could go to anyone.<P>Can you think of something really special, just for him, so he's reminded of how well you know him, plus that you love him?<P>Can you show someone too much love? I'm not talking about being smothering or icky...just thoughtful and loving.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Let him 'catch you' praising him behind his back. He knows that you were able to provide for someone else's needs that way...let him catch you doing that for him. The A needs to be resolved. Time will heal his wounds wrt being needy. This is the payback. Don't be cheap about it. He needs validation from you in a big way. Be the bigger person. Bear the yoke for a while. Get over your guilt, and praise him for him, not to make yourself feel better. God will work with you, and through you. Be open to it. You can do this, I just know it. There is a brighter tomorrow for you, work your way there today, and every day. Keep reading all of those wonderful words in the Bible. Try Song of Solomon. C'mon...this is God's will; answer His call. God Bless you, I am praying for strength for you, and self-esteem for him; both for your child. Hang in there. I care.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 14, 2001).]

You're right.. he does compare to the OM.. and says he knows I am capable.. but there are differences.. I wouldn't have been sneaking phone calls and meeting places if I had been in an open relationship with the OM.. You go out of your way in an A.. because there is no other way. If you don't, you don't communicate or see each other, so it appears that there is a much greater effort to give that person attention. My husband has ALWAYS been needy.. He wants to be greeted at the door, we work in the same place, yet he wants me to call him several times a day.. he has always fantasized about what he expects (which has caused us a lot of problems in the past).. once, he went out with the guys- our kids were somewhere.. I had to pick him up - and when I did, he was FURIOUS that I didn't show up in nothing but a trenchcoat, because he mentioned a long time ago how sexy that would be (I'm 36 years old, not 26).. Not that I would never do that.. it's just that he expects that kind of spotaneity, and when it doesn't happen, he gets depressed. Our counselor always said the he "scripted me".. He imagines what I should say or do at certain times, and when I don't, he becomes upset. He always wants me to be the initiator of romance or romantic things. I often hear.."Why didn't you.. I wish you would have.." I get so caught up in family, work, etc.. barely have a minute to myself, and he seems to always think about himself. Just being with him, near him.. makes me happy. But it's not enough for him.. he's got to have energy toward him, or he doesn't feel loved. (He didn't grow up in a home where he felt unconditionally loved.. and doesn't believe in unconditional love) This was all part of our past problems.. I could never do enough to make him feel loved. We are very different people. I have never sat beside him and "wished" he would do anything.. you do that with someone you're trying to get to know and hope something will happen. If I want him to touch me.. I'll touch him first, and get it started. I don't sit there and wait for him... but that's what he does to me.. and I have to be constantly thinking about it.. which is so exhausting. I will do my best though.

waiting has a terrific point that I forgot. It can mean more to him if you praise him or reassure him by saying things to others. Like, "H is so good at <something>!" Just make sure it's something meaningful - not unstopping the toilets. <P>WAT

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leighann:<BR><B>.. but there are differences.. I wouldn't have been sneaking phone calls and meeting places if I had been in an open relationship with the OM.. You go out of your way in an A.. because there is no other way. If you don't, you don't communicate or see each other, so it appears that there is a much greater effort to give that person attention.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Leighann - please believe me when I say that I'm not trying to make you out to be the "Bad Guy", but being a BS and a man, I have a problem with the above statement. It seems from the above statement that you are rationalizing in order to justify why you did in fact put forth a great effort to give the OM attention, there is no <B>appearance</B> that there was much greater effort to give the OP attention, there <B>WAS</B> in fact a great effort put forth. Your husband yearned for this type of attention from you, and he didn't get it, and he then complained about it and it caused your problems in your marriage. Then you have an affair and you put forth that effort into giving the OM attention, and your husband knows this, and like so many other BS', this causes pain. <P>I understand as probably your husband does, that the nature of affairs is that people do the things that you have stated...<B>sneaking phone calls and meeting places... You go out of your way in an A.. because there is no other way. If you don't, you don't communicate or see each other,</B>...whether your husband understands the nature of affairs or not, the fact that the effort was there for the OM, while he listens to rationalizations, does not make for a very good feeling about the marriage.<P>Wear the yoke for awhile, give your husband the same effort, if not more of one, than that you gave to the OM, and maybe you would be surprised with the results, maybe your husband will be a lot happier and it won't be as hard as you may think......just a thought. <P><p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited May 14, 2001).]

Leighann, <P>From what you write, your husband does appear to be very needy of affection. It's common for any betrayed spouse to desire loads of affection after discovery. <P>You seem to be making an attempt at reconciling what has happened. You are probably right in realizing there is no amount of affection you could give that would make him feel like its enough. <P>I wish I could tell your husband to appreciate ANY affection or compliments that come his way. He needs to learn to feel good about himself regardless of what you or anyone else says or doesn't say. He needs to find strength within himself. <P>What you CAN do is to make him feel special. Instill in him the sense and feeling that HE is your man. Change your behavior so that you will give your BEST every day. By BEST I mean:<BR><B>B</B>less him at least once a day; give a sincere compliment on his appearence or personality. (ex. Honey, you look very handsome today)<BR><B>E</B>dify him at least once a day; build him up around others. (ex. Johnny, your Dad is good at math ask him how to do that probelm).<BR><B>S</B>hare your day with him. Learn his likes and dislikes and talk about them each day (ex. Honey, I think the Cubs might win the World Series what do you think?). <BR><B>T</B>ouch him every day. A kiss on the cheek for no reason. Hold his hand as you stroll through a store. etc. <P>If you do each of these every day (is really isn't that difficult), in time his self esteem will increase and YOU will feel much closer to him as well. The key is to be consistent with your behavior. If you compliment him 50 times a day, he will learn to expect that behavior and you will resent him for having to be like that. <P>God Bless you for working to rebuild your marriage.<P>SHA <P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited May 14, 2001).]

Ok.. to FA.. I understand what you're saying- there was effort I know, but my only point is that in "normal" circumstances, it wouldn't be that way. His constant need for affection was a small part of our problems- I've posted before that emotional abuse was the real problem- his comparing me.. I couldn't do enough, couldn't do anything right, he didn't respect me.. all that, plus I wasn't affectionate enough. I will continue to try harder.. I'm worried, because it just isn't my nature, and I know I'll forget. My needs are so low on the scale, while his are so high (which fits his personality) It's really hard, when your personalities are so different. Our sex life has always been fabulous (even after 13 years).. that has NEVER been an issue. If I can somehow find a way to meet his emotional needs, I think we can move on. He has nearly stopped the verbal attacks ( at least in the last few weeks ).., so it has been a little easier for me to be affectionate. That has got to stop, before I can go on. I am still healing from that. Thanks for all the advice!