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Joined: Jun 2000
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Hi All,<P>I'm posting an update on what occurred over the weekend. If you read my post from last Friday, I wrote that my H was contemplating attending a BBQ that his alcoholic single friends were giving (no spouses invited).<P>My H knows how I feel about these so-called "party" friends of his...these friends are nothing but trouble...yet he refuses to see that.<P>For days, I was so upset about this but when it came to the day, he didn't go. We did go out as a family, though. However, he acted resentful because of not attending this BBQ. The weekend was somewhat tense. We gave our opinions of the situation and we ended up arguing.<BR> <BR>After a 1-day cooling off period, things around here eased up. This morning, he brought me a special treat from the local gourmet bakery. Sometimes when he does that, it is like a "peace offering."<P>Looks like we'll have to work on our POJA and our Plan A.

Joined: May 2001
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But still, he didn't go, which is GREAT!!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Peace offering... YOU BET!!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Argument aside, it sounds hopeful, doncha think?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

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Hi Sheryl!<P>Thanks for responding. Yup. It is great that he didn't go.<P>During the argument, my H said that I should have told him right from the beginning, that I didn't want him to attend this BBQ, instead of not saying anything at all.<P>In reality, I just wanted him to come to the decision himself...hoping that he would make the decision to not attend, all on his own.<P>I now realize that I should have been more up-front & honest about how I felt if he would attend the BBQ. In the meantime, while he was waffling back & forth on his answer, I became angrier. He sensed my frustration and it upset him too.<P>Shall we label us as "conflict avoiders??"<P>Ok...gotta work on some of these skills!

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Oh gee whiz, look how smart you're getting, Survivor!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Yep, you guys a a little tiny bit of confict avoiders... but look [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]... you are CHANGING YOUR PARADIGM... and at least admitted you boo-boo'd by not sharing your true feelings from the beginning.<P>You guys are doing GREAT. I mean that...

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Survivor:<P>I'm very encouraged by the outcome.<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement isn't perfect---because you may be giving up x, y, and z because your spouse doesn't agree with those. What you build up is <I>passive resentment</I>. Typically, passive resentment fades pretty quickly---it's usually about NOT doing something, and if that something was so important, you probably would have brainstormed a solution.<P>What the POJA protects the marriage from is <I>active resentment</I>. Your spouse goes and does something that you don't like. If it's "unwittingly", because they failed to inform you---it's thoughless and inconsiderate. If they inform you and then make a unilaterial decision to do the action---then it's premediated and cruel. That resentment kills love much more quickly.<P>Now that you're using the POJA---it's time for you to brush up on your negotiation and brainstorming skills. Hopefully you'll get to the point that using these rules and skills become second nature (they do)---and you'll find less friction in your marriage.

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Hey, I just saw your second post, and wanted to make a comment:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> During the argument, my H said that I should have told him right from the beginning, that I didn't want him to attend this BBQ, instead of not saying anything at all.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Give your husband credit for being 100% right. If you read Give and Take, you'll find that the the thing that balances the POJA from being too much "Giver" (you capitulate and enter into less than enthusiastic agreements) is to <B>always</B> use the Rule of Complete Honesty along with it. You violated that, and it's no wonder that your husband felt set up.<P>Rule of Honesty/POJA---a potent combination...<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

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Sheryl & K: Thanks for your input. After my H said that I should've told him up-front, how I felt in the beginning, I realized that I handled the situation all wrong.<P>I acted upon my old bad habits (conflit avoidance, not being truthful about how I felt). I should have been straight-forward and honest.<P>You know what? I can see that my H is learning & applying the POJA also (even though he doesn't realize it!)<P>This is looking hopeful!

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Hi Survivor,<P>I am so glad he did not go. Now listen to him and be more up front with him in the future. I think the two of you are getting it. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hey, it think it work out well plus as K & Nevene said you learn some things. Being up front with what we feel, how hard can it be..... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] but isn't it better than not saying anything (my usual reaction) & festering. Ya'll are coming along & doing great. Looks to me as if ya'll took a big step this weekend in learnging how to make things work. (not the words I wanted but... having trouble thinking now)<P>Keep improving. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 22, 2001).]

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I was wondering how it turned out...I defer to K's comments [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Bill

Joined: Dec 1999
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HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! WilliamJ and NoTrust!!<P>Long time no see.....<P>You keep that chin up.... And I agree with K..<P>Look for my thread. I am going to start a new one. I am back here again.<P>Love yall<BR>Renee'<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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Hey Pahakissa, Sing, William & Renee!<P>Thanks for reading my update & responding. I've learned that it doesn't matter how long you've been married...maintaining a good marriage is lots of hard work! I'm still learning!


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