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Joined: Dec 1999
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inamess Offline OP
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HEY GUYS! IT IS ME AGAIN. I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU AN UPDATE ON THE PAST YEAR.<P>YOU KNOW THAT I TOLD H ABOUT THE A. THEN I TRIED SO HARD ON PLAN A. HE NEVER DID FORGIVE ME FOR IT. HE NEVER THREW IT IN MY FACE. HE JUST NEVER FORGAVE ME FOR IT. SO I GOT TIRED OF TRYING. THEN OF COURSE AT THIS TIME HE WAS STARTING TO LOVE ME AGAIN. I DIDNT KNOW THIS UNTIL NOW. I WAS SO SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING. AND I JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE.<P>SO I DONE JUST THAT. I WENT TO STAY WITH MY MOTHER FOR A FEW DAYS. THEN TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NOT COMING BACK. <BR>I FILED FOR DIVORCE IN APRIL. IT WILL BE FINAL IN SEPTEMBER. <P>HERE IS THE THING. HE HAS BEEN WONDERFUL THROUGH ALL OF THIS. GAVE ME THE MONEY FOR MY HALF OF THE HOUSE. WHICH WASNT MUCH. WE OWED TO MUCH ON IT. IT WAS ENOUGHT TO GET ME FURNITURE AND GET ME STARTED THOUGH. <P>I HAVE HAD A MALE FRIEND UNTIL NOW. I AM TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM. THERE ARE TIMES THAT I WONDER WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE. I KNOW THAT MY H IS A GOOD MAN. HE TRULY LOVED ME. HE KNEW THAT I TRULY LOVED HIM. I THINK THAT I JUST HAD TO GROW UP A LITTLE. I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS. I AM JUST TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. <P>WE STILL COMMUNICATE. WE HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN ALONG BETTER APART THEN WE HAVE TOGETHER. HOWEVER, I DONT THINK THAT I HAVE SUFFERED THE FULL EFFECT WITH MY FRINED BEING THERE. <BR>HE IS JUST A FREIND. THAT I CAN NOT GET RID OF. HE ALSO THINKS THAT I AM HIS SOUL MATE... WHATEVER!<P>I KNOW THAT DEEP IN MY HEART GOD INTENDED FOR ME AND H TO BE TOGETHER. HOWEVER, HE REALLY WANTS THE SEPARATION PAPERS DONE. HE IS HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH IT AS WELL. WE BOTH SAY THAT WE WILL BE TOGETHER LATER ON. <P>I AM JUST SO TORN...I CANT EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL. I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL.. I FEEL LIKE CRAP FOR HURTING H. AND HE HURT ME AS WELL. I AM JUST A CRYING NUMB MESS. I GUESS THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT. <P>HIS PARENTS WOULD BE LIVID IF WE WERE TO GET BACK TOGETHER. IF YOU READ THE PAST THREADS. HIS FATHER WAS A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR US. <P>WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS<P>RENEE<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Joined: Jul 2000
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Well, I remember you and I had wondered what had happened to you. I am sorry that things are turning out the way they are--if you want the marriage though, why are you filing? If you love him, you should keep the marriage intact. Forgive yourself and don't let the "I just want to be alone" thing ruin what you have left. That's pride talking. Humble yourself.<P>Like your husband, I still harbor a resentment inside of me for what my spouse has done--I can't help it. (Mostly this is due to the fact that he is totally unrepentent and remorseless) Cognitively, I know that I should let it go. But my emotions still rage over this. However, I came back to him when he asked and I guess we will go from there. I do want the marriage--and I want to learn to let go of the resentment. That's why I am still here at MB for support.<P>What you feel is not necessarily what is right. That's how so many people get into trouble with affairs.<P>You should think really hard about this before you let this divorce be finalized. If he's not pushing it, then you shouldn't either. Give it another chance.

Joined: Jul 1999
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How do u know H never forgave you for the A if he never brought it up? Maybe the problem is u never forgave yourself. Some people are there own worse enemy, doing things to harm themselves emotionally, drama queen types. I am not saying that this is the case, i don't know your story very well. Are you afraid to be alone? What do u mean when u say "he is a friend that I CANNOT GET RID OF"?

Joined: Aug 1999
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Hello Renee,<P>It has been a long time since we "talked". I think brenzini and Trying24give have asked some very important questions.<P>I have a few more before we get down to the hard discussions. Do you know why your FIL is so against your being married to his son? Do you think he would be happier if son married someone else? I recall that he controled his son abit, or probably more precisely he hadn't really let son go to lead his life.<P>It would seem that you still have a problem with men circling around although you are still married. That really needs to stop right now.<P>Finally, how does your H feel. Yes, he may think you two will be together in the future, but that is such a common dream that it isn't worth discussing. It won't happen unless you and he make it happen, and distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder. <P>If you even think that you might like to be married to him, now is the time to do some work, not after the divorce.<P>I look forward to hearing from you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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inamess Offline OP
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Thanks to all the responses.<P>The friend that I cant get rid of will not leave me alone. That is the problem there. He calls, comes by. I have told him to leave me alone. And he wont.<P>JL,<BR>The FIL would not want him to marry anyone. He never let him go. He hated me from day one. I took his son and only friend away. <P>I have not told H that I would come back home. He did tell me that he wouldnt want me to come back home. He told me that we had hurt each other enough. I sent him an email today that told him that I would always love him. He would always be my knight in shiny armor. He sent me one back that said " Thanks for the compliment." <P>I love him dearly. I think that his parents would encourage him not to even bother with the marriage though. I have invited him to come over time and time again. I have told him to call me when he wants to talk. <P>Trying24give,<P>I am not scared of being alone. In fact that is why I left. I just wanted to take care of me. Focus on ME!<P>Berzini,<P>He is the one that is pushing for the separation papers to bet signed. We have to wait 6 months on our state. That will be in September. <P>I have forgiven myself for the affair. He is the one that told me that he had not forgiven me, when I was trying so hard. <P>I am in a 6 month lease. His parents would freak if I went back right now. What about dating? Is that a helpful thing?<BR>I just dont know what to do. I am so confused right now.<BR>Renee'<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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This is going to be a bit severe.<P>Here is the situation from your husband's perspective (as I see it based on the limited amount of information)<P>1.You (inamess) had affair. You gave yourself to another man despite promising me otherwise. You had no regard for my feelings, whatsoever.<P>2. We tried to work things out. I tried to be supportive despite my own pain.<P>3. Things didn't progress fast enough for you (inamess) so you moved out again.<P>4. You have a male friend hanging around. You claim you are not lovers. I don't believe you as you have lied to me before.<P>5. You are considering dating others. Where in the hell do I fit in this picture?<P>6. I certainly do not want to subject myself to any more pain from you.<P>Your marriage is likely to fail and it will be your doing. If you want it to be successful change yourself to be a desirable spouse. Get rid of any male friends. Make your husband your focus. Apologize and act like it. To do otherwise will accelerate the distraction of your marriage and you know it. Accept your responsibility for its failure and stop acting like a powerless victim.<BR>

Joined: Jun 2000
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Renee,<P>How about dating your H again? It sounds like there is still hope for recovery. If you are willing, how about taking the iniative and asking your H out for a date? Take it nice & slow. In the meantime, get rid of "the friend" who keeps hanging around. Your H will be reluctant, if there are still others in the picture.

Joined: Dec 1999
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inamess Offline OP
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Bob.......... Imagine........An Engineer......... LOL!<BR>You sound just like my H. I had to cry and laugh. You are so right. Thank you so much for making me see myself in that manner. <P>I am going up tonight. I am going to ask him if there is a chance of us making it work. I am willing to do counseling and date. The friend is out of the picture as of yesterday. For once, he has left me alone. <P>Keep praying for me!!!!!<BR>Flame me!!!!!! Make me see it....<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Joined: Jun 2000
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Inamess (Renee) - Hi, I often wondered what happened to you and how things were going. I do remember your story very, very well.<P>I guess since we were in similar positions at one time, I can kind of see how things have gotten to this point for you. But, I guess it's kind of like we split down different paths at one point. Fortunately, for me, I am still married to the most wonderful man in the world (no offense to your H). And I feel very very fortunate for that. The past year has been hard, and I'm not going to lie and say that everything is great and perfect now, but I have grown so much in the past year. I have learned alot about myself and understand myself a lot better now than when I had the affair.<P>But it took a lot of work, and I finally realized that nobody can MAKE me happy and fulfilled - I have to do that myself. It has a lot to do with attitude, but more to do with accepting some things for what they are and not relying on someone else to fix my problems or make me feel good about myself. I'm the only one who has control over what I do.<P>Having said that, just from knowing things from my perspective, it may be that you have done a lot of growing in the past year, but maybe there are still some other issues that you need to reconcile and accept. I know you said you forgave yourself - and that your H did not. You cannot make anyone else forgive you, but you can reassure them that you love them, that they can trust you, and maybe even though you tried really hard, maybe you could have done more - like get counseling - no only marriage counseling, but counseling just for you.<P>With other men in the picture, whether as friends or lovers, it only makes things more difficult for you to figure out what you want and who you are. I know I was a mes for the entire year we've been in recovery, but thankfully, my H forgave me almost immediately and the only issues we had to resolve concerned us.<P>I remember the situation with your FIL, but if you and your H truly want to be together and love each other, then what other people think shouldn't matter. In your FIL's eyes, you hurt his son, his friend, and you may never live up to his "standards" and no woman may be "Good enough" for his son. That's the FIL issue and problem - really. You shouldn't let it stop you from trying - once again to work things out with your H.<P>Like JL, I think you need to really think about this and make a full-fledged commitment - for me I had to tell myself to give it a year before making any decisions - good or bad. After about 6 months in recovery, I too, was ready to throw in the towel - just simply because I still had lingering doubts about our love for each other, and because I expected things to be "better" overnight. And, I guess, along the way, I tried to "ride out" the rough times, talk with my H - and we both had some rough spots along the way -but we helped each other through them, together.<P>Now, I don't know if your marriage will survive, but if it were me, I think I would give it another try, get counseling if I had to, call the Harleys for help, post here for inspiration and advice. Sometimes, during the past year, it got very hard to post - especially when things were not going well on my little rollercoaster ride, but the support here was invaluable to me.<P>My only suggestion is to have a talk with your H and see how he really feels. I have to agree with engineer-bob, when he says that you haven't done too mush to show him that you want/love or need your H in your life. With these other men around - even as friends - well, you're sedning him mixed messages. I think, at least from my perspective, there are a ton of things you can do to at least get things started in a positive direction. One of them is knowing what you really want, and coming to terms with who you are.<P>It's a horribly contrite statement, but it's really true: Happiness comes from within - no one else can make you happy - not a drug, not alcohol, not another person. Someone on another thread said their grandmother used to say "A girl is swayed by the situation. A woman sways the situation." I think you're probably a lot like me and got swayed by other people and situations - and maybe that led you to a place you didn't really want to be in - whether it be the affair, OM, or even with where your marriage is now. You have control over your life. . .you cannot change how anyone else thinks of feels, but you can change your attitudes about things, see things in s different perspective, and I think that really helps you to get control over your life. You don't have to change anyone, just your outlook or your own perspective.<P>So, I don't know if this helped or not, but if I were you and I really loved my H, I would continue to fight for my marriage - even though I made some bad choices or gave up at one point. You're the one who has to make some tough decisions, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers - as you have been in the past [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].<P>But, I can tell you, that there isn't a single day, now, that I regret trying to save my marriage. I love my H more today than I did yesterday and I know I will love him more tomorrow. It's not so much that there were big changes in my marriage after the affair - sure we worked out some things, but the biggest thing that helped me was personal and spiritual growth. I now know what's really important in life, and I also know that true happiness comes from doing the right thing - no matter how late you start.<P>So, hang in there. My H and I perservered through the worst and I am very very thankful that he was not only willing to forgive me, but also willing to work on rebuilding our marriage. <BR>


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