Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#916184 05/26/01 06:14 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2
M
mixedup Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2
This is the first post I have made on this forum. Four years ago I had an affair with another man. I told my husband about it and we went through hell and back but our marriage survived. Well recently I had another "emotional affair" (No sex other than phone sex)and last week my husband found out about it by taping my phone conversations. The phone conversation had some pretty lethal stuff (including the phone sex) so he was very upset and called me at work and told me about it and that I could just go to hell. Well I was very distraught and called the other man to warn him and went home. I have always had problems controlling my mood and thoughts but after coming home to a very upset husband who was in a rage, I went over the edge. He told me that anyone who could commmit adultry again should die and that he wishe me and the other man would just drive off a cliff and die. Of course he did not mean this but I took it to heart. I swallowed 30 pills of Flexeril and told my husband goodby. He didn't believe me at first and taunted me but after I passed out on the floor, he realized that I actually did it. Well I ended up in the hospital and was on the ICU for a day. I don't recall the events in between but I was pretty messed up from what my husband told me. After finally coming out of unconsciousness, my husband came to visit. He pressed me for more information about the affair and asked me how I could do such a thing even as I sat in the ICU, barely able to talk. At that point, I still wanted to die. I was moved to a locked Psych unit for 1 day and then 2 days in a less restricted Psych unit. My husband visited me during the restricted hours allowed and called me often. Most of the conversations, however, were not pleasant and resulted in me crying and wishing that I could make everything go away. Of course the other man didn't even bother to contact me or find out how I was. I knew that he knew because my husband contacted his wife to tell her of the affair, to get even. The doctor diagnosed me with having manic-depression as I have had a history of both being depressed with suicidal thoughts (only have tried 3 time though) and periods of mania where I have racing thoughts, am extremely talkative and happy and do irrational things and have trouble with relationships (I am on my third marriage and have always had trouble with relationships). I am home now and have gone through partial hospital therapy and will be going to work on Tuesday. <P>Here are my problems:<P>1) The other man's wife still calls my husband daily. The reason is to give each other support since they are both going through the same emotional trauma. I think this is kind of wierd and do not like it but I realize that my husband needs to talk to someone. However, every time he talks to her he gets all agitated and hostile to me after his conversations with her. He also tells me about the conversations which makes it harder for me to emotionally detach myself from the other man. Do you think he should continue to talk to her?<P>2) I am having trouble dealing with the fact that since I was a teenager that I have had a mental illness. I am on medication for it and eventually I should see an improvement. I want to get better but my husband wants me to concentrate my efforts on trying to prove to him that I will stay committed to him. I do want to work on our marriage but it is hard when he makes mean comments to me at least twice a day and makes me feel like I am slime. When this happens, the suicidal thoughts come back. He always apologizes everytime he does this, however. Therefore I am not getting better and afraid I am going to end up back in the hospital again. How do I accomplish both goals, getting better and saving our marriage?<P>Any help would be appreciated. Please be honest, even if it hurts!<P>

#916185 05/26/01 06:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
I am so sorry for the awful pain you are going through.<BR>I do hope that your seek out relationship counseling since you are on your third marriage. Were you unfaithful in your previous marriages as well? You must remember that you had a sexual affair four years ago outside your marriage and your husband forgave you. Why would you engage in an emotional affair and phone sex with another man again when you knew how much your hurt your husband the first time.<P>I agree that your husband is being very hard on you especially in your condition. You need to know why you feel the need to go outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment.<BR>Please seek out therapy and marriage counseling to understand your pattern of behavior.<P>Concerning your questions I am not sure it is appropriate your husband's friendship with the OM's wife. You are upset and feeling uneasy with their friendship and I can understand that. Imagine that they had a sexual affair and you found out. How would you feel? This is what your husband has had to feel twice so maybe you understand his pain a bit more.<BR>The second question about feeling bad because you feel you have a mental illness is that it is all right. I believe most people in our society have some sort of mental illness. I think it is difficult to avoid in growing up in this crazy world. I wish you well and remember to communicate to your husband if you feel you needs are not being met and do not seek out other for it almost always ends in great pain to everyone. I wish you luck in your healing process.

#916186 05/26/01 06:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,394
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,394
I do not know what to say. I cannot relate to your situation at all. I'm sure there are many on here who can, and will post later. It gets very slow on here over the weekends, so be patient, and responses will start rolling in soon.<P>I do have a concern for you though.. you say you've "ONLY" tried to commit suicide 3 times!!! Oh my!! Once is more than enough, IMO. <P>I'm glad you found MB though. You do need to seek professional advice, and I think you are doing that. Just continue it. <P>IMO, you have two major issues to deal with. You can only do one at a time. I know your H is feeling anger and hurt and pain, and needs to have answers right now. I was in his shoes (I am the BS), so I can understand that. However, your primary concern right now should be you. I would hope that he should understand that. It may take some time for you to get that through to him, but I'm sure he will understand.<P>Simply put, you cannot focus on your marriage when you do not know where you are at. But keep on posting on here, and asking questions. This is an awesome support group. I know for myself, that without MB, I'd personally be in a dreadful mess right now.<P>Take care!<P>Karen<BR>

#916187 05/26/01 08:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Hi Mixed,<P>I am sorry you and your family are going through such terrible pain and suffering. If this is your first post here, I would like to welcome you to marriage builders. <P>From the comments in your post it may be beneficial to get assistance not just for yourself but also for your husband. Whether or not the other man and his wife also choose to get help, it is up to them. Here at marriage builders most of those that post here are dealing with troubled relationships, troubled and torn marriages, etc. <P>While not all our situations are the same, the amount of pain and suffering can be understood by all regardless of which end of the issue each of us stands. Some are the BS (betrayed spouse) or the WS (wayward spouse). Some of the WS have EA (emotional affairs), others have PA (physical affairs), some are repeat offenders and some do both. No matter what the issue, the family stability and martial relationship is at stake. This site looks for ways to cope and heal the family/marriage relationship. <P>Those that come here need to read up on the basic concepts as outlined by those who manage this site. Jennifer and Steve Harley run this marriage builders site and offer phone counseling services, provide questionnaires on identifying emotional needs (and others) and books which go into more depth. <P>Here is the link to an informative thread that can help get you and hopefully your husband on the road to recovery. It is not a quick fix, but properly applied it can be a lasting beneficial one, if not for both at least for you. I am not trying to discourage you but you need to keep a clear head and a calm heart to try and get through this. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P><BR>My position is that I am the BS and my H is a newly recovering WS. This in fact is the first time I have actually referred to my H as such. <P>Please take care and if it is also possible for your husband to come here and participate either by commenting or just reading, please let him know that he is welcomed here. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

#916188 05/26/01 10:55 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2
M
mixedup Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your posts. My husband has been on this site for quite a while and is aware of all the information that is offered on this website. He wanted to go on Plan A but he is not holding up his end at least as it pertains to the love busters. I agree that I should not contact the OM. I feel so depressed right now that I do not know what to do. I have caused do much pain in this marriage. Sometimes I wish I had been successful in my suicide attempt. I guess what keeps me holding on is the kids as I know they need me. My husband would definately be better off if I was dead, however. I guess I sound pretty psycho but things are pretty bad over here right now.

#916189 05/27/01 12:41 AM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 111
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 111
I can't even imagine the kind of pain you must be going through.<P>No offense to the wonderful folks on this forum but internet simply is not a place where you can get the kind of support and advice you need. PLEASE start full fledge counseling. Your husband probably could talk to the Harleys ... I think both of you need urgent help

#916190 05/27/01 12:54 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 367
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 367
Mixedup,<P>I know what you mean.......<BR>I also have those same problems. I am having a hard time today. I had a PA. God, what I wish I could take back....<P>Do a search on my name. Read my profile. I had a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed manic as well. <P>Are you on medication for this? You need to be... YOu need to be in counseling. You need to accept this. Only you can change it. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!!<P>No one is better off dead unless God choses it. <BR>I am so sorry for your pain. Your in my prayers.<P>Renee'<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

#916191 06/04/01 08:52 PM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
C
cl Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
HI Mixedup,<BR>How are you doing today? <BR>You have now returned to work, so wondered how it was going. <BR>And how is your counseling going? Can you include your h in this? Think that would be very helpful for both of you. <BR>(((((hugs))))) cl


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 24 guests, and 59 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5