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Joined: Jun 2001
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I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me, not only on this thread, but on every one that I've read in the last few days.<P>4-5 days ago, I was convinced that I had lost my mind, and that nothing mattered. You people are phenomenal. All of you (us) are going through the worst times of your life, but you STILL have wonderful things to say to help others.<P>May God bless each & every one of you. Thank you for helping me through my own fog of doubt.<P>Love & blessings,<BR>Bound<BR>

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Ishmael:<P>BTW, Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your analogy is really quite profound. <P>Thank you.<BR>Bound<BR>

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B:<P>Out of the gof come I.<P>I guess I will approach this from the flip side (as the WS):<P>With eyes wide open now, I can only thank God and my W for having the fortitude, faith and courage to reach into the fog, and to raise me up.<P>God does that, you know. When we wander about in our fogs in life, and when totally lost, reach out our hand, we find that His is there, no matter how long we have been gone, no matter our transgressions.<P>One can only hope, that we as human beings can lift ourself above our human frailties, our hurts, needs and pains to realize that kind of perfect love. We so, so often fall short. But when it is found, we realize then that only we limit it: for it is as boundless as we will let it be.<P>Eternal thanks, Z, for that hand in the fog.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

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To STL & Z:<P>You are two of the most unselfish people I've ever come across in my lifetime. To know that you had a wonderful weekend in Santa Fe together and made the time to come home and check up on your friends................<P>That becomes far & beyond above sainthood.<P>You will be blessed without a doubt.<P>Can't even thank you enough.........<P>Love & blessings,<BR>Bound<BR>

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For the first couple of weeks after D-day (March 22) I could not imagine staying with STL. The betrayal seemed too great. But I was too numb to do anything about it. It was during that time that we read “Surviving an Affair”. <P>So why did I stay?<P>I love him with all my heart and soul. I knew that if I stayed I would experience pain. But there was a chance that, with hard work, we might make it. If I left him I would also be in pain but I would miss him for the rest of my life. And I would never know if we could have made it work after all.<P>After much reflection I had to give him and our marriage this one chance. When I married him I promised to stay with him “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse”. To me this was sickness. He was a man who fell from grace with himself. I believe there is redemption for those who seek it. We are all human and we all make mistakes or stupid choices sometimes. I do not want to leave this marriage unless I feel that I have done all I could to make it work.<P>If he were to have another affair I would leave him. I will not do this twice. He knows that.<P>Another reason I am staying is because STL is working his rump off right besides me to make this marriage work now. I have always known that marriage was hard work. But I never knew what work I was supposed to be doing. The MB material clearly defines what the work I is and how to do it. So now I know what to do and I have a husband who will work on the marriage with me.<P>Through this process both STL and I have grown tremendously as individuals. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds. We are closer then we ever were. I can truly say that I love him more today then I ever have. <P>But you see the biggest thing of all is that he is willing to do the work. He wants our relationship to grow and recover as much as I do. That I think this is the biggest key. We are both putting 100% into this. If he were not, I don’t think I could stay.<P>------<BR>There is some personal history here that is important. <P>You may have read this on some of our other posts. This is the third marriage for both of us. We have both been through the ringer in our previous marriages. In my last marriage I stayed for years, basically doing Plan A. But my XH had no interest in making our marriage work. He was emotionally/physically abusive and had several affairs. Because of this experience and the level of hurt I experienced, today I would have no tolerance if STL did not put 100% into our relationship.<P>The other bit of personal history is that we have only been married one year. We do not have the years vested that many people on this site do. STL’s affairs occurred during the entire time we were engaged and married. When I found out about the affairs, I felt that our entire relationship had been a sham. There was little untarnished history to cling onto.<P>For these reasons I don’t think I could do what many of you are doing today. But I can also see how a person will work for their marriage despite the lack of cooperation as so many here are. I just know that I could not do it at this time.<P>There are times when I feel that the affairs are a blessing in disguise. I wonder if we would have made it if we had not found the MB material and books. If that is what had to happen so that we found the guidance to build the marriage building skills we both needed, then so be it. God always gives us what we need not what we think we want. Who am I go second guess Him. Today I am very happy because I have a wonderful relationship with a man I love dearly. And I know beyond an shadow of a doubt that he loves me. But I am one of the lucky ones. <P>RE: “ H is here, trying to make it work, yet I can't help but feel that he doesn't really have a clue about what his A has done to us; what it has done to me.”<P>You say he is trying. What is he doing? Does he let you talk about the affair and help you deal with it?<P>What extraordinary measures has he taken to earn back your trust?<P>A year is too long to be this miserable. Though I’ve hard that it takes 2 years to get over an affair. But it sounds like you are stagnant. Not good.<BR>RE: “If it is undying love for your spouse, how have you managed to give yourself freely again to someone who so clearly did not care about your feelings? “<BR>For the reasons above. <BR>Because he has implemented extraordinary measures to win my trust back.<BR>Because I honestly believe his affairs had nothing to do with me. I believe that he was in a depression, dealing with unresolved/untreated ADD, and he had not recovered from this divorce (XW left him and the children for an other man.) I now believe that we got involved to soon after his divorce.<BR>RE: “How do you know if you can live with it or if you can't?”<BR>You know you can live with it because you are with little to no pain. If there is pain for a protracted period of time then perhaps you cannot deal with it.<BR>RE: And if I can't, what does this say about me? <BR>That you are human and that there is at least one issue you have not dealt with. It also might say that you are getting a very big payoff for feeling this way. Does it give you power in the relationship?<BR>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

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Z:<P>Hmmmm....interesting question...."Are you getting some payoff for feeling this way?. Does it give you power?"<P>Never really thought about it that way. At first glance, I would have said, of course not, I feel anything BUT powerful! I'd like to think that I am not so shallow....but our subconscious minds DO sometimes make us do foolish things......<P>I don't know what that payoff might be. It's hard to imaging making ourselves miserable on purpose. <P>I think that perhaps I am just trying to "be certain" that this is a risk worth taking. I am trying to get to know my H again, to know what kind of a man he really is......since he obviously is NOT the man I thought he was. I feel sort of like you did, in that our entire relationship was a sham....that the person I fell in love with was not real.<P>But I'm making myself crazy in the process!<P>Thanks for the insight into your situation. Although everyone has a unique set of circumstances, the pain is the same. I just wish it would go away!<P>Blessings,<BR>Bound<BR>

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I stayed engaged because I feel what happened to us can happen to anyone. It didn't change the fact that we are well matched. In fact, I've never met anyone who was a better mesh with me than my fiance. I believe we can have something excellent, if we work at it.

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Just wanted to send this back up for those who perhaps have not seen it yet.<P>

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bound:<P>How is it going? Any progress?<P>Thoughts and prayers with you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

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up again for whoever needs a reminder why we're doing this or if anyone needs to add [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 07, 2001).]

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D-day was 10 months ago and I can honestly say that I stayed because I did love WS. But the now I'm not to sure as to why I am still here. With all the energy we but into not LBing and meeting WS EN. It seems like WS actually takes aay what love is left when they return and want everything okay over night. They don't want to see your pain , they don't want to talk about it and they dont understand what's wrong with you. Maybe I now stay for habit.<P>------------------<BR>HealingnNC<P><BR>Sometimes I think that I was meant to experience all the things that I have experienced in my life just so I could be ready to love and be loved.

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Why are we doing this? Because we are winners, not whinners and we know that anything worth a damn requires work. We also know that Godis on our side, that we have left our fathers house to dwell in our own and it's up to us clean it and tendit and that this is something worth dealing with. So..........we continue to fight and to work and to deal with each other in such a manner as we always wished we could and we survive, which is more than some can say, lucky us!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

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I am the wife of Sad_n_lonely. I suppose we all are doing this because we want our marriage to work. Yes, the pain is so unbearable. I would rather die then endure this much longer. Like I read before, losing a child is not as bad as this. You know the child is gone and in a better place then this one. The thing that scares me about our kids, is they have learned that no matter who you marry you can't trust the marriage to last. I made a committment at the alter till death due us apart. But my husband does not believe in that. He keeps asking what is marriage, what is love, why do I have to stay in a marriage. What about christian values, also, the OW was supposedly a christian teaching bible classes and etc. This has showed our family that religion doesn't matter. <P>The OW husband doesn't know about the affair. So I guess that excludes her family from knowing. But our kids know and that hurts me that they have seen their dad act in this manner while being married.<P>The betrayed spouse I feel are more responsible and rational than the WS. We are the one conducting the life around the house, paying bills, getting phone calls done and etc. While the WS sits in self-pity, as I see it. The mememe statement on another thread fits the WS perfectly. <P>I feel sorry for my husband at times. I do not wish him to feel sad about the OW not wanting him. But I do wish that he would get off the fence and decide. I feel sad that my husband is depressed and feels alone. I am here, but I am not what he wants. He wants her. <P>With Gods help and prayers, maybe one day he will come to his senses and enjoy a marriage with me and the kids and enjoy himself and lose weight and be happy. I love you Joe.<P>

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Ido this because....I know the man he truly is inside, not the nasty, depressed one that cheated on me.<P>I do this because...there is not better sight that H's great smile when he is truly happy<P>I do this because....H is my best friend, and has changed in more ways than i could say. The man he is NOW makes me a BETTER me.<P>I do this because....I am stubborn, and will not let some piece of fluff ruin my plans for my life<P>I do this because....I LOVE HIM!!!<P>I do this because... He was truly remorsful<P>I do this because...God has given me the strength and the piece of mind to endure it, and has guided my revovery in every day.<P>I do this because.... I regcognize the fault i have in the starvation of his needs over a long period of time, helped ( did not make it ok) him try to find a fill for that massive void!<P>I do this because....Our children deserve US as a whole complete family!! And we are!<P>I do this because....He does not let me CRY without trying to make it better!<P>I do this because.....I WANT TOO and KNOW it will be the greatest ending of alltime for H and I. We are committed and we fill those needs. He is my friend, lover, and partner now. I truly love this man , and i KNOW he truly loves me!<P>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

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Maine - is your husband truly remorseful? What makes one remorseful and another not. My husband tells me repeadly he is not in any fasion. <P>Your post is quite explicit. Good to hear all the good about him and you. I would think your husband would be very proud of you if he read this post. It would definitely be a great lovebank deposit. <P>Yes, I guess we all are in the same boat. Trying to recognize how one spouse can do this while the other did what was proper, stay and be a good spouse. Anyways, maybe someone will come up with the right sentence to encourage these WS to see why the BS is doing what they are doing. I sure am confused, but seem to beable to function better some days than others. I wish our kids did not have to be in the middle of this. What a picture we have painted for them, the colors are running all together making a big mess. Would be nice to start the process of drying the paint and picking out the streaks and creating a beautiful picture.

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Just wanted to let all of you know that things are better for us these days. Everyone on this board has helped me to see things from a different perspective and in a different light. I also wanted to say thank you for picking me up and making me remember what marriage really means; for making me remember why I AM doing this. You guys are great!<P>Blessings,<BR>Bound<P><BR>

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Amen, Bound!<P>Thanks for starting this thread in the first place. I like to re-read it every now and then for encouragement. THanks everyone!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

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Hi you all.... very new here and quite curious about some of the terminology... What is "BS" and "A"???<P>Kindly enlight me in these matters of the heart.<BR>Lady Dante

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Dante,<BR>BS is Betrayed Spouse, A is Affair. WS is Wayward spouse.<BR> <BR>There's welcome post around here somewhere that links to the lingo and stuff. Keep reading and looking around. you'll catch on, but don't be afraid to ask.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 17, 2001).]

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I have been wondering this myself lately. <P>It would be easier to leave and get my own little place and start a new life. I would be away from all the pain and hurt. <BR>That would be easier. <P>I stay because I love him with all my heart. <BR>I want to have kids with him. <BR>I want to grow old with him. <BR>I want the things we have dreamed about and planned for the last 6 years. <P>I don't want to start over. I want my H tocome out of the fog and back to me. <P>I just want to love him and be loved by him. <P>I just want my life back. <P>I know I'm responsible for not meeting his PN & EN but NOTHING is as important to me now as trying to undo the damage that has been done and make our life whole again. <P>Too bad he doesn't feel the same way. <P>I will keep working on me and on plan A till he does or he leaves. <P><BR>

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