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I mean no disrespect to you SIC. But I have been on this site for the past day just reading posts and absorbing the information. I see your H has left you and you make plenty of references of him being with the OW. Please allow me to set the record straight. I am the OW's H and I can assure you they have not been together.<P>I understand your pain. But you need to stop the bashing of my W and move on. We all are unique individuals with our own trolly of baggage. But you need to keep your baggage on your trolly and not spread it around, especially when it is not true. <P>Doing so doesn't elevate your status, it just reduces you. So please now, stop the bashing and making of assumptions that your H is off with the OW. The OW is a person with feelings. Take your displaced anger out on someone else or better yet, your H. Remember he too is responsible.<P>Now, shooo. Let us heal.<P>A

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This is interesting, does that mean Just a Person is your wife?, or only a coincidence of names.<P>I suppose it is safe to say that any of the parties to an affair, w h ow owh om omw etc, are gonna have a different take on just about everything. I have read all sic posts, and as ws suppose I am if anything more predisposed to view bs comments with a grain of salt. But near as I can recall her concerns/comments about your wife have been pretty much incidental to her trying to come to grips with this trainwreck in her life. She has also spoken quite harshly about herself, and her H too, so maybe is just her forthright style. And making assumptions about who one is with might be wrong, but are not without some justification. Most of us know the difference between speculation and hard facts, not that big a deal. In fact folks are often cautioned, even chastised, here for making assumptions without hard evidence. I am sure she is happy to hear you think they (your w, and her H) have not been together, but I can only wonder how you know that. We ws can be very devious.<P>Btw, this site is not about elevating or trashing anyone, although venting is encouraged, so such is allowed, but all pretty much understand it. As for your wife's feelings, not too much sympathy, as ws, I pretty much expect to be trashed by any bs, and cetainly by the ow family. This surprises you? Anyways being angry at op is hardly displaced, your W did cali a terrible disservice, I can't imagine a much better reason to be angry at someone than that they had an affair with your spouse....can you?<P>I am cautiously happy to hear you may be in some kind of reconcilliation with your W. If so this place will be very helpful in that regard, and should you participate, and folks know you are here, I am sure there would be some change in rhetoric. But it is an annoymous board so kinda understandable the normal rules of civility re other's reputations is a bit relaxed, in favor of venting and emotional support.

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I speak truth, not trash. Truth hurts.<P>I never said OW was with H. I said H left me and was still in contact with her.<P>I pray and hope that you are right that you and she can make it.<P>As you know, I INVITED YOU HERE TWO MONTHS AGO. I want your marriage to work. Everything I have said to her has been to work on her and her marriage.<P>I DO NOT HAVE TO BASH.<P>Besides, JustAPerson, said she was not my OW...are you now refuting that? So she continues to lie?<P>Make sure you have accurate information...are you sure I am her OM's wife?<P>Does your wife call herself Princess? Do you live in LA or to the East? Does she write or does she 'teach?'<P>Let he who casts the first stone be without sin.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7<p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited July 03, 2001).]

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I cant help but wonder how secure you are in your relationship with W, if you can move on so quickly and chastise someone whose life has been turned upside down by her H and your W? Moving on without healing, as you suggest is like sweeping it under the rug. I tend to think you are one that thinks because OM may not have contact that your problems are all solved?<P>You seem to think that Cali "shooing", will allow you to heal? How does the absence of that person allow you to heal if you have no answers and more questions? That would be the place she is coming from, and given previous history, can you really blame her for questioning?<P>You also seem to think that you understand her pain?<BR>Somehow I doubt that unless your wife, too, is angry, hostile, and lashing out at everything and everyone? I have a sneaky suspicion that your W has convinced you that this was all a bad dream, she was in a fog, and its all better and all over. Yes, her H was responsible, as well, but venting ones anger and fears is hardly an attempt to elevate themselves, and more a call of help to understand the next steps to take. <P>Please understand, I am not judging. I have seen in here before that one couple seems so set on *moving on*, only to be here months later restating the same story. This is less about baggage and more about the journey.<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

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How on earth did you guys find out all of each other's user names? Did you all tell each other, then say " Go check out my posts?" I'm sorry, but the anonymous nature of this BBS is what makes it useful to me. I don't think that my husband knowing my user name on this board (or vice versa, although I have no idea if he posts here or not) would help my marriage in any way, shape or form. How will you ever be able to post your true feelings or problems when you know that 3 other people with personal knowledge of who you are will be reading them. I'm sorry, but I just don't see the point.<P>- WLE

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Check out this post...<P>I pray for OW and her H nightly! Do you pray for OM and his W?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010182.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010182.html</A> <P>I did not tell her to shoo...I invited her here...to learn and hopefully to apply.<P>I challenge you--You point out the posts where I posted inaccurate information and I will retract every wrong statement I made.<P>You can search InShockInCali and StrongerInCali.<P>I HAVE NEVER HAD TO LIE...THE TRUTH HURTS ENOUGH.<P>Marsha in Moreno Valley

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WingsLikeEagles:<BR><B>How on earth did you guys find out all of each other's user names? Did you all tell each other, then say " Go check out my posts?" I'm sorry, but the anonymous nature of this BBS is what makes it useful to me. I don't think that my husband knowing my user name on this board (or vice versa, although I have no idea if he posts here or not) would help my marriage in any way, shape or form. How will you ever be able to post your true feelings or problems when you know that 3 other people with personal knowledge of who you are will be reading them. I'm sorry, but I just don't see the point.<P>- WLE</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree...My husband looked over my shoulder and 'discovered' my name. I encouraged him to post here. I helped him register. He told OW my username. I encouraged her and her H to come here, but I did not tell them my name. In fact, I have gone undercover with a new name...<P>I wanted them to come here and learn...was I wrong?<P>Besides JaP told me she was not my H's OW. Did she lie?<P>Cali<P>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I am the OW's H and I can assure you they have not been together.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You’d better be DAMN sure about that... and even then you should doubt heavily unless your W is willing and eager to provide you with her whereabouts 24/7... we WS’s are notoriously good liars... even if it normally goes against our nature [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited July 03, 2001).]

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Hello JaP too and welcome.<P>I agree with what SnL had to say. I believe if your W and you are trying to sort things out and recover your marriage from the A, MB is the best place to find the tools for that recovery.<P>I am a bit curious, tho. It hasn't been a week that Cali intercepted a phone call (Cali's H's cell) from your W, which was intended for her H (referring to him as "baby"). Contact? I would certainly say so. And "no contact" between the two of them is what it will take to truly end it.<P>I can imagine perhaps your W's intent for no-contact with Cali's H is possibly sincere, however, as I've learned from MB in the last year or better, it is NOT easy to maintain it <understatement>. I would gently suggest you read everything you can on this site with an open mind, knowing that rarely any of us are exempt from the typical A behavior from wayward spouses and affairees.<P>Regarding Cali's hurt and anger directed at your W, I don't feel it was misplaced. I believe Cali fairly assest what was her doing and responsibility and owned it, and squarely placed what was your W's and her H's doing on their shoulders. An affair takes two people, undeniably your wife was one of those people.<P>You are very welcome here, JaP too. Please stay and read and learn. It's the best way to recover and affair proof your marriage for the furture.<P>Best,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 03, 2001).]

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You have had the privilege of reading SICs hopes and fears, so much that she thinks and feels. It must be easy to elevate yourself to such a position of knowing when you have so much information. <P>What a shame that SIC has not had the same opportunity with the parties involved, that she has had to struggle with the interpretation of events and lack of information, trying to figure out what she is supposed to do, when she gets so few facts.<P>So much as you expect her to respect your wife's feelings, would you not also respect hers in the place she comes to try to figure it all out? <P>You have the luxury of knowing that your wife is still under your roof. From such a secure spot, you cannot allow Cali insecurity? I can't imagine the demons of thought who plague her right now.<P>Perhaps what you read here will help you with your WS. It is obvious from your advice that she direct anger at her husband that you are in desperate need of the MB site.<P>And remember, anger is like buckshot, you can aim the rifle where ever you want, it still sprays.<P>While you are here, why repeat the violation she must feel? <P><p>[This message has been edited by LibbyDoe (edited July 03, 2001).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhoDat:<BR><B>
Quote
In fact, I have gone undercover with a new name...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Your “cover” isn’t all that great in the first place, Cali... calling attention to the fact that you have one will pretty much blow it out of the water. I suggest you edit that out, and then I’ll edit this reply... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P></B>
<P>You know, I did it to protect myself...but I really have nothing to hide....I've said nothing in my new posts I am ashamed of...I've done some things of late, that I have owned up to...I've done some things in the past I have owned up to...<P>The silver lining in all this...I will come out from the fire purified...I have found a relationship with God and he continues to show me miracles.<P>May your lives and your marriage be restored. God be with both of you.<P>StrongerInCali, InShockinCali, Diva<P>Marsha<P>

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Cali ....<P>I have a suggestion for you.<P>Ask "Justa too" a question that only HE would be able to answer, to verify his authenticity.<P>Do this before you go any further or exert any more energy to this dialogue. Okay Hon???<P>Jo

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> You know, I did it to protect myself...but I really have nothing to hide....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>As you wish... I just figured that since you HAD done it, you might want to keep it a little more secret. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

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I just want to say that Besides the fact that OP disrespect us enough to have affairs with our spouses, it really Fuct up that these OP have the BALLS to post here to US.<BR>If u feel the need to get HELP on this site least have the courtesy to not talk to us. We dont come here for your input<BR>and we dont really want to hear what you have to say anyhow<BR>as far as OP spouses..... i commend you for defending your WS reguardless if its true or not<P>OP do a favor for yourselves and get over it GET A LIFE and post to someone who wants to hear your woes not someone whos marriage you got involved in

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just A Person Too:<BR><B>I mean no disrespect to you SIC. But I have been on this site for the past day just reading posts and absorbing the information.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My dear Just A Person Too - Your post is certainly disrespectful. Since you posted it here, in the place where SIC has sought our support and advice, one can only assume that you meant it to be so. It takes far more than one day to read and absorb information on this website. I suggest that you read posts by OTHER PEOPLE if what SIC is posting troubles you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I understand your pain. But you need to stop the bashing of my W and move on. We all are unique individuals with our own trolly of baggage. But you need to keep your baggage on your trolly and not spread it around, especially when it is not true.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Posting on MB forums isn't exactly "spreading it around." If you are not happy with what has been posted here, it is your prerogative to go out the way you came in. Since SIC has been here a whole lot longer than you have, I find it quite arrogant that you assume you have the right to tell her what she can and cannot say.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Doing so doesn't elevate your status, it just reduces you. So please now, stop the bashing and making of assumptions that your H is off with the OW. The OW is a person with feelings. Take your displaced anger out on someone else or better yet, your H. Remember he too is responsible.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As has already been said, your facts are more than a little out of place. I suggest that you do the same - the OW deserves far less of our sympathy than SIC does, as she quite willingly participated in the destruction of two marriages... although you, as most or all BS's have done, have undoubtedly made your own contributions to the deterioration of yours.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Now, shooo. Let us heal.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How egocentric, arrogant and rude! Had you come here without the attitude, you would have received all of our support and sympathy. SIC is not participating in YOUR marriage or the healing of it, and YOU do not have to do your healing HERE. How DARE you come here and tell anyone to "shoo"?!<P>Just A Person Too, you have truly started out on the wrong foot here, and I for one, do NOT hold out my arms in welcome as I usually would for a newcomer to this forum. I will suggest that you take a deep look at yourself, your attitude and see if that might shed some light on why exactly it is that your wife found the need to be with another man.<P>No blessings and no apologies. I've been around here a long time and I can take whatever you have to dish out.<P>I have seen it all now...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I><p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited July 03, 2001).]

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Hey guys. . .do you think this is JaP's H, or do you think it's just JaP????

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JaP2:<P>What is your goal? Do you seek to salvage your marriage? Then this is the place to do so: the concepts upon which MB is built have saved many, many marriages. Even in those cases where the marriage was not saved, those who absorbed and implemented the tenets espoused here, have walked away with something of value. Their self-dignity, and armed with the tools to improve their lives.<P>As someone who is undergoing the same thing that most here are: an affair; the resources available to you here can stand you in good stead in your individual rebuilding process: whether as an individual, or as a couple rebuilding your marriage.<P>Again, welcome to MarriageBuilders: we are glad you have found us, but regret the circumstances.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

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JustaPerson(s)??!?!?<P>Sad to imagine this story changed. This Justaperson came in yelled at us, then changed (her) story (pretty good one), had us feeling she wanted help and now YOU!!<P>Is this an identity crisis? Hope not a multiple personality issue. You know it makes one wonder (while we don't know your real details), it is difficult to help someone who insists on changing their story. Cali has not changed her story/situation since she started. Obviously she has changed her user for personal reasons (which are understood and respected). <P>Was there some sort of fun playing on this board and posting all these differenct scenarios? Because I for one am not laughing. <P>Now, if you really are the OW's H or anyone's H whose WS is having an A, then I feel sorry for you (unless you like what your W is doing). The pain a normal person feels is tremendous and one that should not have to happen to anyone. That being said, the more normal reaction would be to feel a bit more like Cali is feeling. Betrayed, frustrated, angry, hurt, etc. I can understand those feelings. Most of us can because that is how we are feeling. If I ever met OW's H in my case, I would try to comfort him (in a very platonic way) because I would be one of the few that would understand any pain he may feel. <P>Yet you lash out against Cali as if she is your enemy. The 2 on each end, you and Cali. Funny how the ones in the middle Cali's WS and your WS are quiet. Where are they?!?!?<P>Cali's H lashed out at us also. Hm.... in fact all 3 of you lashed out at Cali. Is this a conspiracy against Cali? That's not fair odds don't you think? 3 to 1. What is your purpose of lashing out against Cali? Is she such a good writer that she can make all this stuff up?<P>I know I couldn't make up all the crazy things that happened during my H's A and still continuing. But if I could have it probably would have sold a lot of copies. Many have read about it here.<P>Do you think that Cali, a mother with young children is soo strong that she can handle all the anger from you, her H, and your W? Come on man, think..... you have put an unfair burden on this woman. Howz about taking some of that burden yourself and helping Cali, your W and Cali's H get better? <P>Now that would be progress. It wouldn't hurt your character either if you could help. If you want to start helping, take a look at the basic concepts here. I can give you assistance on how to learn more about the marriage builders concepts. It is not designed to replace your brain but help you use it to the best of your ability. Fair!?!?!?<P>Please be nice to Cali, she is our friend. No more shooing. <P>L.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited July 03, 2001).]

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Orchid:<P>Perhaps he meant shoeing ... but that would be a horse of a different color.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

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Hey Justaperson2, <P>You said you were the Ow's H, yet Justaperson said her H left her and indicated a divorce either happened or in progress? Are the the OW's H or the WS??@!?!?!?<P>Who are you again? Are there 3 against Cali or 2?Q?Q?<P>We do want to help but can't as long as you remain cloaked. Like the Klingon cloaking device (old Star Trek fan). <P>If you or you all want help, show us who you really are. Not your personal names but the true story. You know this is how mistrust starts. Too many shaky statements that just don't ring right. <P>If you need help telling the truth, say so. That's a start. You can vent, but please give Cali a some breathing space. It may help to look in the mirror before you vent. <P>L.<BR>

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