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Joined: Apr 2001
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First, our mini-vacation was OK - but my WH was obviously depressed, he wouldn't even walk with us but kept 10-20 yards in front all the time. He was a bit better at the 4th July fireworks, but still didn't join in the fun much. We also shared a hotel room, with the girls in an adjoining room...<BR>I Plan A'd and Plan A'd and Plan A'd - but by this afternoon I just couldn't take it anymore. We had been hiking along a trail and were having a rest by a lovely mountain lake. The girls were playing a little way away, so we at last had a chance to talk. He started telling me that he still wanted to be with OW, that he couldn't get her out of his mind, that it wasn't infatuation but real love. I didn't LB - I just said that I only wanted him to come back to me if it was because he wanted to be with me - not for the kids, not for the family, not for convenience. I also told him that I wasn't willing to be second best. He agreed with me, and said that was the reason he was being so (brutally) honest with me. He also said that the fact that he had been able to tell me the truth was the only thing he still felt good about. He said that he hated the person he became when he was with us, how he behaved with the children. He said that he was a much nicer person when he was with OW. He said that it wasn't me - that he knew that I had really tried.<P>I then told him that it was causing me too much pain to be with him - I reminded him that he was continually giving me mixed messages, bringing my hopes up one minute, then crashing down the next. I told him that he needed to sort himself out, and sort out this on-off relationship with the OW. To give him time to do this, and in order to protect myself from being completely destroyed, emotionally, by the continuing heartbreak, that I thought it best we have no contact for the next 3 months and then review the situation.<P>He was visibly upset at this, and so was I - I kept crying back down the trail, and during the trip home. When we got back to his apartment, he hugged me and said he was so sorry that this had happened and I had been upset again. He was crying, I was crying....I reminded him how much I loved him, and he said 'I know', then I told him to take care of himself and left.<P>I cried all the way back to the house, and am still crying. My youngest has lent me her teddy-bear to cuddle, so I'm off now to take a sleeping pill and try and face the situation in the morning.<P>I know I should perhaps have Plan A'd a little longer, but things were just at stalemate - he was waiting for OW, I was waiting for him (still am). I just want to get this over and done with now - In a way I want to throw them together, because I believe that is the only way this will end. I've told him that we will review the situation in 3 months time, and I will then make a decision to either stay and wait for a while longer, or he can remove my wedding ring and I will go back to England [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Can't type anymore, I just need to cry and sleep.<P>hugs, Paint.

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Hey Paint,<BR> Dont apologize to us, we all feel for you. Take care of yourself. If you really want to do this right and give your marriage the best chance, I think you should write the plan B letter and send it to him.<P>That way you can be sure to put in the how you love him and are waiting for him to join you in making your marriage great again, put in writting so you can say it all agian, make sure you get it all in there and so he will have it to refer to and wont twist your words around when he is trying to justify things in his mind.<P>All you can do now is keep working on you and hang in there for when his affair ends. I do beleive you just gave it the best chance of ending.<BR>Lora

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Paint:<P>My thoughts and prayers go out to you.<P>The break point for Plan A to Plan B is when YOU have determined that the status quo is no longer acceptable. Plan B will help you protect the love that remains and will let you focus on building up YOU.<P>We are all rooting for you and your family, regardless of how this plays out.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Joined: Mar 2001
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Paintbox<P>We're with you all the way, Paint.<P>I think your plan A was long enough and you don't need to worry about it. You did great.<P>Hang in there in plan B.

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Dear Paint,<P>HOn, I am sorry for your pain. This is hard. You may not want to hear this now but going to plan B will actually make things easier for you. Yes, I am a Plan B type of advocate when the BS is being hurt. No sense in stressing yourself out to be nice when he is slinging mud. Even if he is being brutally honest. <P>Him happy with OW? So he says, now watch how much truth there is to that. It hurt me too, when I went to plan B but in about 2 weeks, I started to feel better. Your H will waffle with the OW. The OW will not like that. When you are in plan B it is harder for the OW to blame you for their inability to get along. Did you know that was one of the perks? <P>So when the OW and Ws disagree, their fights become more intense. Hard to be happy during those times. OW keeps looking for you to slip up and give her an excuse to make herself look good and you look bad. Wipe off those tears honey, you need to look good. Without your even having to say a word, you will make the OW look bad. <P>Are you feeling a bit better now? Ok, I'd like to share a little more. Your H is hurting and will hurt. Let him. this a way for him to begin healing. As long as he is hurting, you know he still has feelings. Then there is still some hope. <P>Now file these thoughts away. When you get down, pull them out and review them. This is what we do in plan B. Plan, watch and prepare. Make yourself secure. Make yourself look appealing and good. <P>Chin up, you will make it. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>L.<BR>

Joined: Jul 2001
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You plan A'd with him there; you plan A'd him while he was out...<P>If you haven't read Dobson's <I> Love Must Be Tough </I>, now might be the time...there is some really good insight for people who go to plan B.<P>Also...<I> Power of A Praying Wife </I> will help center you and give you strength...<P>MotherHubbard recommended these books to me, BTW.<P>HUGS! HUGs! hugs!<P><BR>Cali

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Paint,<BR>I agree with the others, don't apologize to us. I don't know how long you have plan A'd, but I plan A'd for 4 mos. and then Plan B'd around the first of this year. I have to have contact a little bit with my W because of our two kids, but for the most part, it is short conversations. I know you might be doubting your decision, but those doubts will go away when you are feeling better because you don't have to see your H pining over OW and his on/off emotions. It will take about 3 wks for you to start feeling better, but I can tell you that even after 7 mos. for me, if my W would leave OM, I still have love for her. Granted, I am very comfortable where I am and the amount of time I get to spend with my kids, I still think I would try with my W and OC. You can do it Paint, and you will be glad you did. This way you know there will still be some love for you H, but if he keeps giving you false hopes he will make major withdrawals in you LB. Take care and post when you're down.<BR>Floored<p>[This message has been edited by floored (edited July 05, 2001).]

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Paint,<P>I feel for you. As you know, I'm in Plan B. I think that if you want to go this route, you should write a letter to him, and let him know how you feel.<P>In your case, it might actually have more of an impact, because he is kind of confused.<P>My thoughts are with you. You are meeting some of his ENs, so you have a better chance because of that.<P>Take care.

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{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}<P>I know this was hard for you but understandable. You need to take care of yourself and your children.<P>We are here for you.<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

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Paintbox<P>I haven't really read much of your story except for ur recent postings. If you've read any of mine you probably won't see where this is coming from. But i think that ur H has deep strong feelings for you and he will come back. To be able to do what he's done in the recent weeks means a lot. I find it very difficult to do it and i am not with OW. He is confused. If ur H's OW behaves like most women, given time their relationship will self destruct. I was a WS and although i am not recovering yet, I do believe that most (not all) affairs die a natural death. Whether WS regrets the affair or holds it close to his hard, the pressures against them are too great for them to be together. Good luck to you.<BR>

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Paintbox,<BR>Know this is hard to go through. At least you won't need to watch his indecisiveness. That is what hurts so bad. I haven't written my Plan B letter, but intend to as soon as I get back from Europe.<P>At some point, you have to start looking after yourself and your kids. After three months of this, I am at the same point. Maybe all of us Plan B-ers can provide hope and encouragement for each other. I have been reading Rick's posts with interest. He already sounds more confident in himself. Have to get to bed. Busy day tomorrow.

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<<I know I should perhaps have Plan A'd a little longer, but things were just at stalemate - he was waiting for OW, I was waiting for him (still am).>><P>Hey, a BS has gotta do what a BS has gotta do. I don't know your story, but from what I gathered here, it was time to do something more harsh. And you did it at a great place under good circumstances! Your H sounds soooo confused. He loves you; men don't cry for nothing, you know. My H cried when my dog died. Did he cry for me? Nope. Did he cry for his son? Nope. Did he cry for his marriage? Nope. Did he cry for his family? Nope. Dog wins. Just play by the book, sweetie. Pamper yourself (and your daughters). We're all rootin' for you!<P>Nell [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

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ditto Lora and Rick - immediately write a Plan B letter basically saying what you said face to face. Consider leaving out the 3 month check point. Instead, say something to the effect that you are willing to talk about your future at any time as long as you commit to our marriage and agree to break all contact with OW permanently.<P>Don't underestimate the importance of the letter, even if it onlt repeats what you said face to face. The letter gives him something to re-read, which will be a continuous reminder to him of your love.<P>Remember, you can't go back to Plan A. When you're tempted to do this, come tell us and we'll slap you around a bit. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>WAT

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P<P>First of all...hang in there.<P>You have truly had the roller coaster ride of a lifetime.<P>I agree with WAT. Consider not setting a three-month deadline. It leaves you (and him) with more options. All of us who have been on this ride know how much things can change (for good and bad). <P>In the meantime keep posting here. You are among friends.<P>Take care.<P>E

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Hi Paint. Ditto, write the letter. He needs to be able to look back and read your words.<P>I am so sorry for your pain, but it is time for plan B.<P><<<<<<<<<<<<<<PAINT>>>>>>>>>>

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Paint,<BR>Orchid has great insight into the OW reaction to your H's inability to 'get along' with her. The reality will be there.<BR>Cali also referred you to Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough". My plan B almost came word for word off those pages. The letter I wrote, was an important reference for my H. He and the OW couldn't twist my words because he had them in writting. It is important that you remember that there is not quick fix to the problems. He will test you repeatedly. Stand your ground, make deposits. Your H has, up till now, had it all; you, the children, the OW etc. Now he has to face the fact that he may lose YOU. Remember, he hasn't realy thought about that. The consequenses were never that clear. That may be why he is so upset.<P>I do understand how difficult this is for you. I cried more in that time span than I have in my entire life. I know your pain and when I read your post, my heart remembered the anguish. My children were also an enormous source of strength. They were 13, 11, 7 and 3 at the time. They helped me gain the strength I needed to be absolute about putting my marriage back together. Today 3 years later, my H and I have a great marriage. <P>Most importantly, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Give this to God and ask him to move on your behalf. I will pray for you.<BR>God Bless<BR>JuJu

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Paintbox,<P>I'm sorry that you have had to move to Plan B. After reading what you've written, it sounds like you made the right decision.<P>Do write that Plan B letter to your H. Stay strong in your plan and forget the 3-month check. As the others said, it will only give your H more options. With your Plan B, he'll have to make a decision on his own, either way, with no options.<P>I do sense that reality & the consequences will finally set in and your H's relationship with OW will eventually self-destruct.<P>Hugs...

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Paint:<P>Formalize your Plan B. Write the letter. Remember, that Plan B is not only the next step in attempting to recover your marriage, it is also about building YOU. That is something you truly deserve.<P>Thoughts and prayers with you and your family,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

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Paint.<P>Its time. Start your plan B. You need to start thinking of only two things now, your children and YOU. If it were meant to be then so be it. You might find that absence makes the heart grows fonder. Are you seeing a therapist to help you through this, if not find the best in your area, do it now. You once posted a reply to my first post on MB. You were special then as you are now. <BR>Chin up old friend the life ahead of you is full of wonderful things.<BR>

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It sounds as if your timing is right for Plan B. You couldn't take his behavior any longer. It sounds very encouraging that he cried, etc. He does have feelings whether or not he will admit it. Hang in there. Now is the time to focus on yourself.

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