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#929984 07/17/01 12:37 AM
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Its five months past D-day and my rage has not mellowed much. My thoughts scare me. It seems my rage is a bottomless pit. My thoughts are evil and viscous at times. I knew I was chasing my husband away so I have mellowed my attitude towards him and am acting nicer. However underneath the surface a beast lurks within me. I am normally a nice, forgiving and loving person who does not hold a grudge. This has changed me and unleashed a monster with in me. Is this normal? Does it pass? I scare myself some days. There are days I think it would be kinder to both my husabnd and I to just end the marriage. However we both really want this to work. How do you get control of the beast within you?

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I'm in a similar situation. I'm 4 mos. past D-Day, and had a pretty good idea of the affair for 2 years, but I couldn't prove anything till 4 mos. ago.... I, like you, consider myself (and one of my biggest strengths in life) to be a loving, caring, and calm person. But yes, it has brought out the rage.... Like you, I've scared myself and wondered if him seeing me like this will be the nail in the coffin of our marriage. <P>Maybe telling you what I've tried/done will be helpful. I've had a lot to get through, mainly because this has been right under my nose, and I feel as if I've been forced to watch this take place - a "friend" of the extended family thing.... ugh!!! First, I've read up a lot on forgiveness and grace.... that all of us need it, and that in order to be forgiven for your sins, you need to be able to forgive others. I've learned that there are so many levels of forgiveness, and that it is something that (at least for me) I need to re-commit to each and every day.... sometimes saying out loud, why I need to forgive... I remind myself of the things I've read, like "why give the OW so much of your energy?" this is about you and your husband's stuff - that was a symptom of the problem... focus on the problem and what you can do to work on it. In essence, don't waste energy on anything that can be counterproductive in the long run. <P>All that said, it may be that you have unanswered questions and need to be answered.... I lashed out several times at my H, and realized that I still had things I needed to know... and wanted to say.... after I said them, things seem to be leveling out. A couple of other hints (though I have no idea if anything will help you that way its done me..) try making sure you get exercise every day... in my days of rage, I had so much extra energy it was unbelievable.... try to do yoga, etc... and try to avoid arguing or bringing things up when you are most likely to say something you'd regret... for me its after 10:00 PM....<P>Hang with it.... others have told me this, and I want to pass that along. I'll say a prayer - say one for me as well.

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I would say rage is a natural response to being betrayed. I know I'd feel it.<BR>Talk, talk and talk some more. I think it will help. Sometimes there's more rage when we have things to say that aren't being said, when we have things we want to know and they're not being answered.<BR>I think once you've said and learnt everything you need then forgiveness will come easier and you'll find yourself more calmer.<BR>Scream and cry, not necesarily at your H or anyone else, but just maybe in your room. It might help release some of your anger.<BR>Excersize should help too. Keeping your mind busy might help too, although I cna't imagine thinking of anything but if I were in your shoes. (my X had an affair with my nieghbor and it was hard at time to think of anything else, but that's another story)<BR>Just don't make yourself feel guilty for feeling rage, it might intensify it.

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It seems that a lot of my rage dissipated once my H came home to work on our marriage. Oh, I still get those feelings, but not as bad as they were during my initial plan A/ plan B time. <P>I still feel a lot of rage towards OW#1, but that is slowly turning into pity. Like Striving, I too have lashed out at my H. I have managed to do it in a much better manner now though (grin). The anger tones are still in my voice, but I always tell him that I need to let it out in order for me to heal. And I remind him that every now and then I will continue to ask him questions about what happened, for the same reason, to heal. I have asked him to help me with this, and as difficult as it is for him sometimes, he is there to help me. Part of our POJA is that if I'm going on and on TOO much, he needs to tell me, and I will stop (for the time being). That gives him some control in it all too.<P>Karen<BR>

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After five months I still feel angry inside and think about what my wife did each day. All questions have been answered by my wife. She is sorry but at the time she did it, she felt it was OK to do what she did. It's hard to get over imagining my wife in the arms of some other guy. I keep seeing this image in my mind. I hope it dies down in time.

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It has been two years since my H's affair. i still feel the anguish it caused. Sometimes things will trigger reponses in me... No matter how well things are going in my marriage. And they are going very well. Time, I think is the only true sedative for these feelings, I am truly getting them less and less now. For the first year at least I would have truly vicious scenarios run through my head about this so called friend. The w###e who tried her very best to destroy my family. BUT, YOU WON, you were the better woman, lover, wife. The FOG lifted in time!

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W2<P>It also been 5 mos. since D-Day. My rage has not diminished one bit. On mo. #2 I physically hit (pretty badly) my H for the A because he told me he did not love me! Lots of blood. No, he did not hit back. I've regretted since then, but it's what I felt at the time PURE RAGE. I don't think he can forgive me, he moved out that day and has not been back. Most time that we speak to one another, I rant and rave because I need to have answers and he refuses to give them to me. I know I'm driving him away but I can't help it. I've seen a therapist and I've started reading the Bible. I too wished I could stop and accept what has happened. I think only time and lots of prayer will heal my wounds. I too was a very easy going and fun loving person before A. I hate the person I've become.

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Well after going through what we have gone through and are going through rage is normal, just not healthy. <P>Here is a thread that helped me while all the range of emotions were flowing out:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>According to the proverb: An answer when mild turns away rage. I have learned that this works, it is just hard to do. <P>L.<P>

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You are ALL normal in my book! Because... that is how I was, and now I'm back to my old loveable self. (still have moment here and there)! My Husband had a Bad Brain Period for 3 years and we have been in recovery 3 years and 5 months now.<BR> <BR>How else could you act? If you didn't have anger, wouldn't you be saying that you didn't care at all? That's the way I looked at it and how I explained it to my husband. He knew that he deserved every barrel of the gun that I unloaded on him. But I also had talks with him about me not knowing how to react, that he was the one that was there for me in the past, that he was the one that I confided in with problems, NOW....he's was the problem. It kinda makes you crazy!!!<P>About the 9th month, I think it was...it's been 3 years now and hard to remember time, I started thinking about how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Now, that was really hard to do, since this kind of Bad Brain period would never happen to me, but, what if I had done something that I was sooo sorry ever happened, I was very remorseful, and I was trying soooo hard to mend what I had done. Wouldn't I want him to open up to me and show me some compassion, Love me like he said he did? It was time to open my mind and see that since he was still there, still taking what I was giving to him, that he really did love me, he was with me, you can only be with the person you really love. <P>I still had my moments, even now, just by saying that I need a hug, he knows that I am remembering and hurting. We want them to pay for what they did, but we want them to want us also. They need us to be the happy place for them to stay, remember, they are coming away from what they thought was "the place they wanted to be", do they want to be in hell with us? .....No, I don't think so....but by fighting for them, by being upset, they know (if we tell them) that it broke our hearts and we need time to get over it. They will understand, espicially if they love us. BUT....they can't take this for ever! Mix a little of the love in now and then. <P>OK...I'm going to shut up now, I sound like a Mother...LOL.. I only mean that in the good sense. My Mother helped me get through the rough times, then during my recovery, I lost my Mother. If I could get through all that at the same time and come out still with my husband, happy, and 32 years of marriage, I must have done something right.<P>Almost Happy [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>-----<BR>TIME

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I was going to start a thread of the same topic, then I found this. D-day was April, and the rage is still not dissipated. I do know it is the normal reaction for the BS, after reading the posts on MB. But some of my thoughts are just so scary, all these negative energy. They are beyond evil and viscous!!!! <P>I had to put my smiley mask on whenever I see WS, but this just cant be health for myself if this goes on any longer. I 've read that it gets better after you choose to forgive, but how the heck do you forgive if she don't think any worng has been done.

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Humper.....<BR>When she is truly sorry, and she is on the "Same Page" with you........she will see that it was wrong, she will even get to the place that she will really dislike and be angry with the other person. TIME.<P>Almost Happy [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>-----<BR>Time


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