Hi everyone,<P>I need some more advice...again.<P>Our 9th anniversary is coming up tomorrow. Her affair started after our 6th anniversary, she still received calls from him and he leaves messages on our home phone as of a couple days ago. She says she has told him that it has been over for a long time but that he won't give up. But she refused to sign a restraining order stating that she is afraid of his reactions. He has broken parts of her car (Smashed stereo, bent the passenger seat out of commmission) and keyed the side of her van, stolen her wedding ring and money out of her purse, etc. And he's a pretty big guy. Enough said, the guy's a jerk.<P>About 3 weeks ago, the very day I was about to go to my unfaithful wife and tell that I am done and no longer willing to wait for her to make up her mind about whether she wants to rededicate herself back to the marriage. I have waited much longer than I should have, but I don't believe in divorce and I have an 8 year old daughter who begs and pleads with me not to file for divorce.<P>Anyway, just as I am about to go to her with my plan, she comes to me and says, "I just read this book on ethics and behavior and took a little quiz and I'm not a very good person. I want to be a good person and I want our marriage to work." Stunner of all stunners!<P>But there are a lot of exceptions and problems. She has told all her coworkers that she is divorced, she doesn't want to tell them the truth. Why? Because she is embarrassed because I have not yet made it financially and all her friends think that I am the big rich dentist. She has played the "poor me" scenario with them and now she has basically lied herself into a corner. She is also embarassed since financially, I am knee deep into a new practice I started up about 5 years ago. I have about 2 years left on the practice loans before I bring home any appreciable income. So she's embarrassed that I am not rich with the big new home and the top of the line automobile.<P>So tomorrow's out anniversary, What do I do? I can't even send flowers to her work for our anniversary because they think she's divorced and that would blow her secret. So what should I do? Any ideas?<P>Everybody's input welcome.<BR>

Do you two have pet names for one another? Ever? I'd send her flowers anyway. Send them from her secret admirer. There's no reason you have to sign your name to them if you're worreid about blowing her lies out in the open.<BR>But I'm just curuous, how does all that make you feel? To know your wife is denieing you, denying loving you, denying wanting to spend a lifetime with you? I can't even begin to imagine wanting to help my spouse cover a lie that basically says thier embarrassed by me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> But there are a lot of exceptions and problems.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yeah; the exception being she wants to be as unethical in her ethics as possible <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> So tomorrow's out anniversary, What do I do? I can't even send flowers to her work for our anniversary because they think she's divorced and that would blow her secret. So what should I do? Any ideas? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Divorce papers. Have her served at work.<P>John, this woman has been playing you, and I’d wager she still is. She isn’t willing to make any of the hard choices that might make her have to face up to what she has done. She wants you to “trust” her implicitly, when she’s spent the last 3 years destroying any chance of that. It continues to this day.<P>If she really wanted to gain your trust, she’d sign the restraining order, change your phone number, and tell her “friends” she’s married and <B>working</B> on her marriage. She’d do ANYTHING you say.<P>I think you’re being played. She’s waiting until your practice takes off, then she’ll leave so fast it will make your head spin... but she’ll wait until AFTER she can get half of a <B>thriving</B> practice, not half of a budding one.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited July 17, 2001).]

WHODAT: So you don't think her being frightened of this person is a valid reason for her not to file a restraining order? By the way, this guy has threatened her with bodily harm up to 6 months in future... she shared with me the message on her phone and I did hear him threaten her with bodily harm in his message. <P>Regarding work, What would you recommend she do to rectify her lies?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shedawg:<BR><B>Do you two have pet names for one another? Ever? I'd send her flowers anyway. Send them from her secret admirer. There's no reason you have to sign your name to them if you're worreid about blowing her lies out in the open.<BR>But I'm just curuous, how does all that make you feel? To know your wife is denieing you, denying loving you, denying wanting to spend a lifetime with you? I can't even begin to imagine wanting to help my spouse cover a lie that basically says thier embarrassed by me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, other than the standard "Honey" or "Good Lookin", we don't have any pet names for each other. As for how it feels, How do you think it feels? Why do you think I'm ready to walk away? Maybe I still should anyway. I'm not very far from doing just that. Even though I do see some signs that she is making some changes in her life, they just aren't happening fast enough.<P>

John:<P>Apologies for the harshness of my reply; I’ve just seen you posting here for SO long about how she’s been playing you, that it just seems to be continuing.<P>IMO, the threats are reason enough FOR the restraining order. He may not follow it, but then you could have him arrested. That is, of course, if the threatening message still exists. I would most definitely change your phone number, at the very least. “It’s over” doesn’t seem to be working for him. That is, of course, presuming she is telling the truth about that. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Regarding work, What would you recommend she do to rectify her lies?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Tell the truth?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhoDat:<BR><B>John:<P>Apologies for the harshness of my reply; I’ve just seen you posting here for SO long about how she’s been playing you, that it just seems to be continuing.<P>IMO, the threats are reason enough FOR the restraining order. He may not follow it, but then you could have him arrested. That is, of course, if the threatening message still exists. I would most definitely change your phone number, at the very least. “It’s over” doesn’t seem to be working for him. That is, of course, presuming she is telling the truth about that. <P><BR>I have pushed for her to file a restraining order and to change the phone number. I am waiting for her response. While I don't want to abandon her to a dangerous person, she needs to make a move towards ending this situation permanently. I am very ready to move on at this point because I truly do not see enough effort being made on her part, I'm just testing the waters to see if I'm out of line.<P>Thanks for you advice.<P><BR>

John,<P>This is marriagebuilders and I am a strong believer in saving a marriage. However, it seems to me your anniversary is not worth celebrating right now. I would not bother. Frankly, after three years of this and the fact that to your whole life is a lie (she has made it all a lie) I wouldn't bother with the restraining order either.<P>I would file for separation, I would keep the tape of the OM threatening you and your W, I would use that in a custody dispute to get custody of your D, since your W will no doubt go to OM if she ever left.<P>Frankly, John you are way past the point of a normal affair here. You are simply being used as near as I can tell. If this man is a threat to your W, he is also very likely a threat to your D. I really cannot believe that you have let this situation sit with the risks involved.<P>I say you should separate with plans to divorce. It is up to your W to get the OM to stop calling. It is intolerable that he calls the house. He obviously has no fear of you or the consequences. I think you should act the same way. Separate from her and move on.<P>A person that will lie as deeply as she has to you, her fellow workers, and everyone else has problems that you are not going to fix. Indeed, she sounds as if she needs deep counseling.<P>I am with WhoDat and others, it is time to mosey on down the road.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I don't necessarly agree that you should walk out on her. But, if the marriage is going to work she is going to have to come clean. She doesn't owe anyone but you any explanations so she doesn't even really have to admit to all her friends at work that she lied.<BR>I also don't really agree that your anniversary should be ignored due to problems. It is a significant date regardless of what's going on.<BR>If you two still llive together why don't you change the phone number instead of waiting for her to do it?<BR>Are you completely sure that she is done with this man?<BR>My opinion is that the niether of you is completely sure that you want the marriage to continue, therefor neither of you is putting all your effort into it. Once the decision is made by both of you to do whatever it takes to save your marriage I think you might be OK.<BR>Do what's in your heart.<BR>I wish you well.

<BR>If you two still llive together why don't you change the phone number instead of waiting for her to do it? We are together again after a separation of about a year, however, during the interim time we sold the family house and are now living in an apartment. The apartment and phone number are hers and in her name, I would not be able to change the <BR>them on my own.<P>Are you completely sure that she is done with this man?<BR>No I'm not sure she's done with this man, she had a heavy duty attraction for him at one time and lied to me continuously just to stay in touch with him. How do I know now that she is telling the truth? I don't, and I have very little faith that she is anymore.<P>My opinion is that the niether of you is completely sure that you want the marriage to continue, therefor neither of you is putting all your effort into it. <P><BR>

John,<P>I am so sorry you are going thru so much turmoil. It is very sad to know that you have a spouse as materialistic as yours. There is so much to repair in your marriage. Have both of you tried counseling? It seems like you are willing to try to work things out. As for the anniversary, keep it simple. If you are in the mood, traditional 9th anniversary gift is pottery. Modern is leather. So depending if you are traditional or modern, a gift and dinner brought in at home would suffice. Good luck!