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Joined: Nov 1999
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OK, I'm late,been working all day! <P>She's trying to see if she can get a rise out of you!<P>Do what you have to do to get the information you need and don't even mention it to her. The silence will kill her, she's expecting you to react. Don't.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mthrrhbard:<BR><B>OK, I'm late,been working all day! <P>She's trying to see if she can get a rise out of you!<P>Do what you have to do to get the information you need and don't even mention it to her. The silence will kill her, she's expecting you to react. Don't.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree, she is trying to see how you react. DON'T!<P>I have gotten where I don't respond to my STBX, of course now he is doing it to me also.<P>Aren't you going to the beach this wkend? Enjoy think about poor little old me down here in hot TX, suffering with marco & mirco eco, looks like another wkend of the pool & eco bk to me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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mother and sing - I'd like to believe she's trying to get a rise outta me, but I think it's actually closer that she's trying to wrest control of as many of <son's> "things" as possible. <P>I suspect it bothers her that <son's> primary home, from a practical standpoint, is my house, with the vast majority of his belongings, where he spends over half of his time, where the au pair lives, and where his neighborhood friends live. <BR>Little by little, she's been trying to establish an "equal" home for <son> with her. She even has <son> describing her apartment as "Mom's and my apartment." He has a second bicycle there, a lot of clothes, video games, etc. (If I could only get her to take the dogs.)<P>This is very frustrating for me as I cannot/should not use my son as a pawn. I admit that I want to deny her equal status as a parent because she made the decision to leave us against the will of <son> and I.<P>OK, I'll stop whining.<P>SING!!! Tell me you're doing better, please?<P>WAT

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WAT, it is truly a control thing. It's almost like they are so out of control (and in my H's case sooooo controlled by the OP) that they have to control YOU!!! hence...scapegoat. I've come to the conclusion that this is part of their "high"... <P>It is very difficult to dance your way out of it. The first step is to NOT react... I agree with the others to do what you need to do regarding son's info from school and leave her out of it.<P>Because the real problem is that to control, they will put the kids in the middle... I've had it happen toooooooo many times. It is just not worth it to me anymore. <P>About the kids around OP... believe me it is hard. But you know, again, we cannot protect our kids from thier parents behavior. I realize we do need to protect them from danger,,,,drugs, violence... but in some ways, not protecting them from this is a kind of natural consequence for the WS. I have worn myself out trying to protect my kids from the baby and the ow. It isn't going to happen... but I can tell you... it doesn't matter if their parent in an ax murderer...kids want to have a relationship with that parent. <P>I've had many discussions with thier counselor about this issue. My kids want to spend time with their dad. They are not happy about or accepting really of his behavior. They don't want to hurt his feelings they say... ( in some ways they have been forced into a parent role by him, becuase of his emotional immaturity).<P>All you can really do is to maximize the time you have with your son and let a lot of it go. I've already asked my H if he could put himself in thier shoes and try to feel how they might feel about the fact that he has this baby. That they might feel hurt or embarrassed... He said "I dont' see it that way"... <P>You know WAT, these "savior" relationships are built on sand. Just stand back and let what happens happens. <P>

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Dave,<P>I am doing great. Even though I didn't do the plan B thing, I was ready to move on when H quit his job & moved in with the "love of his life" gag. I am glad to have an ending instead of the never ending I don't want you, love you, I am only hear for the boys song & dance that I lived for over 2 yrs. I maybe broke soon, doesn't look as if I am going to find a teaching job for the fall ( I refuse to look outside of my district this yr)but I think the boys & I are happier, will OS is not he wants to go back to Singapore & has found it hard to fit back into things but the boys are leaving this weekend for a wks visit to grandparents with their dad then OS will come home to 2 a days football pratic in the hot TX sun, I can't wait.<P>The pool has been wonderful for the boys, we are living admist boxes, I can't seem to find time to study, go to school, & be a mom at the same time & unpack. The hardest part for me is to unpack almost 21 yrs of memories, it makes me sad. I am very angry at STBX about the way things went down. Even though we are civil , I think that will soon end, as the lawyer I have is supposely tough, he had an evil grin when I told him my story, especailly the money going to OW for the last yr. I don't think H knows that will come back to haunt him. While I don't ever want H back, I can't say I hope he & OW are happy, by all accounts they are. I hate that he is forcing her on the boys, I think they would like her if they didn't think it would hurt me, I keep telling them it is all right if they do. H is buying them stuff, like for OS frontpage & adobe photoshop but he wanted OS to do some webdesigning for him (H is starting a consulting business plus looking for a job).<P>You asked, just think this is the short answer. Well I have most likely failed one eco test today, as I have time guess I could start work on the one due Mon, at least I can use the book. <P>

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<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> If I could only get her to take the dogs.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>There’s not a lot you can do about the former things such as toys and a bike, but I think there is something you can do about this. It’s something I’ve been thinking about because much like yourself, I really cannot stand rat/microwave dogs (and no flames from the rat-dog lovers please... it’s just personal preference). <P>Have you thought about just taking them to her apartment and leaving them there? I realize that her apartment doesn’t allow dogs, but that’s not really your problem, is it? If not before, I myself would take them over the DAY she serves you in August (if she does indeed do so). Tie their leashes through the doorknob together and leave. When she incredulously states she can’t have them there, tell her that it’s not your problem, and if she brings them back to your house their next stop would be the pound (although you might be able to get a couple bucks for them at Taco Bell [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>*sigh* I understand it would be a LoveBuster, and it’s just a thought. But the though of you having to take care of her rat-dogs while she lives her freewheeling lifestyle galls so much more.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

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WhoDat - I have thought of that very solution. I've thought of others, too, but don't want to raise the ire of animal rights activists [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] - THAT WAS A JOKE!!!<P>My son is another moving part here. He wants to keep them, although, like a typical 12 year old, he comes up short in the care and feeding department. If I force them on my wife, <son> will see me as cruel and may possibly feel sorry for both Mom and the dogs and may want to spend more time at her place. Of course, I don't really know what his reaction would be.<P>I'm a pretty laid back guy and maybe I make the dogs sound worse than they really are. It's just one of them that's really high maintenance. I will probably coast awhile on this, waiting to see if she files, then play it by ear.<P>WAT

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Whodat! - you are in rare form. I don't think I have ever seen this side of you. Funny!<P>Dave - could you talk to your son about the dogs without making it about his "mothers" dogs? Like, saying that the care of the dogs is too much for you etc.. If he really wants the dogs, then tell him he will have to take care of them and if its not possible then they will have to be given to somebody who has time to care for dogs. (all said in a nice way, of course)

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Hi Cleo - of course you're right and I would attempt that approach before I did anything drastic. One thing that may not be obvious is that, no thanks to my wife, my son needs as much stability as I can give him in his continuing recovery from the loss of his brother. I'm trying to prevent as many sudden changes as possible.<P>Another option is to give my wife one of the dogs. "Oh, poor things, they'd be separated! You mean old man!"<P>OK, I'm old, but I'm slow.<P>Yea, what about WhoDat? We need to try to get another rise outta him!!<P>Dave (WAT)

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yea, what about WhoDat? We need to try to get another rise outta him!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL... just try dropping the rat-dogs off at <I><B>my</I></B> house, and you'll <I>really</I> see my head spin around! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

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