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Joined: Feb 2001
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This month I went in for a heart valve replacement, got an infection and was near death for 6 days until 2nd operation to clean the infection. Upon returning home, weak and with a lot of recuperation ahead of me I discovered through my recording program that my wife was online almost daily with her online emotional affair. Of course they mostly talked about me and he wished me well. But there I was in intensive care and my wife taking the time to chat. Once I was in the clear the conversation returned to the usual even though I was stil in ICU. He wanted to know when they would meet for the first time, my wife even spoke with him<BR>by phone for the first time breaking a committment she had made to herself to protect herself from becoming more involved. I am destroyed by the lack of any decency and respect for me during this time and find it almost impossible to forgive. She knows I know about this friend as she has said it is just a friend. He continuly offers to give her all his capacity to love and be intimidate. He had asked her to keep the phone conversation a secret. She´s totally in the fog and I do not know what to do.

Joined: May 2001
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RR, I am so sorry to hear about your pain. Have you read through the concepts on this website? <P>Sometimes these things get worse before they get better I am sad to say. This rollercoaster ride you are on is just beginning, my friend.<P>Your wife is in a deep fog, I am sorry she was so inconsiderate as to break her promise to you. <P>I think you know the most important thing you can do for yourself is take care of you right now. Do you think you are strong enough for plan A right now? If not, you may want to consider plan B. Normally, I do not recommend it, but given your circumstances, if you are not able to do plan A, you may want to consider it.<P>You'd be surprised what you can forgive and live through when confronted face to face with it. Your marriage is worth it, just remember that.<P>If you see the fog lifting, I'd recommend seeing if she'd talk to the Harley's or at least fill out the questionnaires.<P>Good luck. <<<hugs>>><BR>HbH

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I wish you a speedy recovery. I really don't have anything to say except that your health is your number 1 priority and try not to let your insensitive wife hurt you anymore.

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Thank you both for your replies. I have now words to explain how my wife who was at my bedside throughout my ordeal could also be so insensitive to do what she had done. I am also somewhat mystified by the lack of other responses from MB participants. I see responses of 40 to 50 on topics on whether one should let hubby back through the door while with my near death situation and in the fog emotionally addicted wife to OM no real responses. I hope some others can also give me their opinions. Thanks

Joined: Jul 1999
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Hi <B>RR - </B> Sorry you haven't had many responses, but better to get a few quality responses than a 100 bad ones. I'm just here for a short while so I'll try to be brief...<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I do not know what to do<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Have you read the material on this web site or just jump in to the forums??? The answer to your question is "Plan A". Please read about it and the other material. Familiarity with the Harley method will make it much easier for you to deal with your situation and know how to react.<P><BR>Please review the following post in the "Just Found Out" forum and follow the links to read the material:<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders</A><P><BR>Just keep posting and people will begin to swarm to your posts.....<P><BR>DeWayne<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited July 31, 2001).]

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rich,<BR>I'm sorry that things came up like this while you were so ill. My A started out as an innocent online chat partner.<BR>He was close enough for us to meet and become friends. And before I knew it, we have moved into an intimate relationship. But I know that all me needs were not being met at home. So you needs to see if there are needs in your W that you aren't meeting. Maybe because you have been so ill, she has felt that she has to look elsewhere to have her important needs met. Have you read "His Needs/Her Needs" There is also another book my H says was the greatest help to him called "Winning your wife back before it's too late" by Gary Smalley.<BR>Right now your W hasn't stepped across that line into the physical. But the emotional is a lot stronger draw or at least it was for me. Once my mind was completely involved, it didn't take long before my heart became attached to the OM and then it seemed to be a very natural thing to move into the physical aspect. Having someone willing to meet those basic needs was a greater pull than thinking about what is right and wrong.<BR>I hope out of what I have written you find some little glimmer of hope or knowledge that helps you in your situation. While what she did was wrong, if you are allowing your illness to get in the way of your meeting her emtional needs, she will continue to look somewhere else to have those needs met. So if you are on the road to recovery, then you need to discover what her needs are and begin to meet them.<BR>Debbie

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Rich,<BR>Just wonder how you are doing now?<BR>Debbie

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Hi Debbie,<P>Thanks for your interest.<BR>Well I´m very weak and I feel as if a train has hit me. But the positive is that I do have a different perspective on life. I am going to try to save my marriage using the MB principals but if I am not successful I am prepared for divorce. I feel that anything I say to my wife does not have the same emotional impact on her as her online romance. If he says good morning it´s like an expression of love while if I say it it´s just another day. He definately has her where he wants her and she fell for it. I´m going to try for the next several months as well as recuperate myself but to be honest I do believe I have married a women with different values and morals. She had expressed to me that if she felt for someone else married or not she saw no wrong in pursuing a relationship. She would not judge his marital circumstances just the feeling they had for one another. It´s very difficult. I´ll be in touch. Thanks

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rich,<BR>My prayers are with you as your recover both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry your wife feels so nonchalant about relationships. that will sure make it hard for you to get your marriage back on a solid footing. But you must do what is best for you.<BR>let me know how things are going.<BR>Debbie

Joined: Mar 2000
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Hello, Rich.<P>Sorry I didn't respond earlier. In truth, I don't know what to say.<P>My husband was having a physical affair the whole time I was pregnant, and he called "our" friend several times while I was in labor. In fact, he asked her to come back from a weekend away because "he needed support" while the baby was being born.<P>The biggest thing that should be on your mind right now is your health. Worry about yourself first! You matter.<P>With regard to your marriage, only you can decide what you want to do. Even if you get 100 opinions, and even if 85 of them stay, if your opinion is that you should go, that is what you should do.<P>I believe your marriage may be able to be saved, but it will take a lot of work. And it will take a lot of work on her part to get back to a good relationship. Do you have the desire to carry the whole relationship for a while until she gets out of the fog?<P>Don't make any hasty decisions. You have two major life milestones to deal with at once with the emotional affair and the surgery. You don't need any more right now.<P>As you have already been advised, read through the materials on this site and look into some other resources before you do anything.<P>I hope the best for you,<BR>HBC

Joined: May 2001
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I agree with HBC, your health is the primary concern. It's tough because emotional stress affects us physically. From what I understand about men tho, it should be easier for you to separate the two (because men are more logical thinkers than women), at least until you feel stronger physically. I'm praying for you and for your marriage that God will strengthen and harden you to the difficulties around you and protect you from further pain.


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