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Joined: Dec 1999
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I haven't been to MB in awhile so many of you may not know who I am, so here is a little background.<P>Husband had been having an affair with a co-worker for 10 years, that I was unaware of. He finally left me in 1997. He moved in with OW. A year later he decided he had made a mistake and moved back to our home in 1998. He stayed another year before he decided that he wanted to be with OW yet again, and left in 1999 to live with her. He again changed his mind in 2000 and moved back home. That was in June of 2000. <P>Things went very well at first. OW left town and we were on our way. BUT that didn't last for long. He called her and asked her to return to go into bussiness with him (and ex employee of his told me this and I do believe him). I found out about their contact and he swore it was all bussiness. I beleived him at first but as the months went on little red flags started poping up. He would be coming home later and leaving earlier for work. He would sit on his cell phone and chat with her for hours at a time to and from work, even though they worked together. Needless to say he refused to admitt the converstaions were anything other than bussiness but in my heart I knew otherwise. Then this past July we had planned a family vacation. The night before we were to leave he told me he can't go. I was shocked! I had kept asking him all along if the trip was still on he kept assuring me it was. Well I told him I wouldn't go without him and he kept telling me the best thing I could do to make things better for him was to take the kids and go. That way he wouldn't look like arat to the kids. In fact he even told the kids the reason they would not be going was because *I* wouldn't go without him. Well, between the kids tears and his making me feel like dirt for denying them a trip to Disney, I finally folded and took the kids without him. Needless to say he took that opportunity to spend over a week playing with the OW. Don't ask how I knew, I just have info info fall into my lap all the time. When I returned he swore he stayed with friends and wasn't with OW, but things were pretty tense inside me. <P>We had been hobbling along, him still talking to OW constatntly and coming home later and later. Me shutting down further and further. Until this past Thurs.<P>Our eldest just left for college two weeks ago. He blew off going to a parent day the week before, even though I did go. But this past Thurs was a big day for our daughter. She was cheering at her first ever college game. He was suppossed to leave work by noon so we could get there in time to see her prior to her taking the field. Noon rolled around and I got *the* phone call about how he just *can't* get away from work and I should go alone. He even offferd to pick me up (100 mile away) after the game because he knows I can't drive in the dark on expressways. I told him, no. I just spent the night at her dorm and came home the next day, that being this past Fri. I haven't been able to speak to him since. I just get so angry knowing he is STILL putting OW's wishes before his own kids needs. Although he just thinks I'm pissed because he didn't go, he thinks his denial of seeing OW has be buffaloed. We didn't speak Fri night or when he got home Sat. (at about 9:30pm when he gets off at 6:00pm on Sat.). This morning was no different. I didn't speak to him and visa versa. Our daughter was leaving to go to a friends home and then back to school. I was waiting for her to leave so we could finally sit down and discuss it all. Our younger daughter isn't due home until late tonight so I figured it would be a good time for us to come to some sort of agreement as to what happens next. Well I went outside up on the roof to hammer a gutter support in and I see him get into his car and pull away. I went in the house and asked oldest daughter where dad went. He told her he was going to his nephews and told her he'll see her next FRi when she comes home again for the weekend. I tried to call his cell but he wouldn't answer and I left no message. I drove past his nephew's after daughter left and naturally his car wasn't there. <P>So I took a little drive to where I knew OW had moved to. Again it amazes me how info about OW just falls into my lap. Husband has ZERO idea I know where she lives. And sure enough there is his car parked in her driveway. I just kept on driving and came home. I do feel sick to my stomache but I haven't even shed one tear, yet that is. I would have loved to knock on the door just to see their expressions but I have more class than to start a scene.<P>So here I sit. Am I upset? Sure we've been married over 23 years. I plan A'd until it hurt. I tried not to LB. But just how much can one take it? How long can *I* keep doing the right things and get treated like less than human emotionally? The intiall D day was back in July of 1997. So this has been going on for over 4 years. Do I still love him? Yep. Do I like what he is doing. Nope. Can I do anything to change him. Apparently not. Is he willing to do anything to change? Obviously no.<P>Folks I think it's time to throw in the towel. Even though he has said over and over he would never leave again. He has not said he would give her up, because he keeps denying that she is a factor in his life other than a bussiness partner.<P>I really truely think he has been so split that he looks at both of us as necessary in his life. But I can't and won't settle for half the loaf when I know I deserve the whole loaf. I guess he's going to have to learn to live without me, our home, our family, even his own kids. My plans have always been if we did ever split up I'd move 2000 miles away, closer to my sister, to a much better climate and away from a town that is overrun with his family, and they haven't changes one bit.<P>I'm just going to wait out his return. He'll be back eventually, although I doubt it will be tonight. He is pretty gutless when it comes to owning up to his own indiscretions and will probably need a couple of days to build up the courage to face me. I'll let him explain where he has been, wich will undoubtly be a lie, then I'll let him know I know exactly where he has been. It ought to be interesting, very painful, but interesting. But enough is enough, don't ya all think?<P> Oh BTW, I have been noticing a number of things *missing* from the house since the trip we took without him, that are his. I guess he's been setting up his little love nest with the OW so he would have the comforts of home when he is there. <P>Thanks to anyone who is out there reading this. For some strange reason all the upheavels in my life happen on weekends when most people aren't even posting to MB. But I guess that's just par for the course in my life in general. But it gives me comfort to know other listen and care. <P>Oh I just remember to add insult to injury in all of this the past 6 months husband has been bringing home less and less money, claiming the bussiness is doing really poorly (the bussiness is OW's name BTW). I guess that's just another part of this probable setup to walk away from having to take care of me and the kids finacially, if he ever decided to leave again. :sigh: Anyone know where a 50+ year old woman with carple tunnel and can't stand for any period of time can find a job that will replace the 100K her husband had been brining home for the past 5+ years?<P>Gosh does my life suck<P>FC<P>

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[[[[[[[FingersCrossed]]]]]]]]],<P>I am sorry for your pain at this time...to continually go through this is difficult...<P>To clarify: Have you ever gone into a plan b? When you and H were separated, did you still have contact and plan A'd? IF not, in my amateur opinion, I would suggest plan B...it sounds like he has never fully appreciated you or your marriage and "knows" that you will keep taking him back when things don't work out with OW...<P>NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU! You need some rest, to regain some strength and some time to figure things out...<P>Do you have a marriage counselor? Do you utilize the Harley's? I think a professional opinion would also be necessary...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

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Yep, sounds like your life sucks!! Ok enough of the pity, I am sorry that you are hurting and this has happened to you again.<P>You've been through this before and remember what worked and didn't work and go to only those things that worked and made a better you.<P>Sounds as if you just got back from driving by OW's where H 's car is i suggest going back and taking a picture to include the address and liscense plates if camera has date that would be great. It might be used to start the conversation.<P>What type of business is it that Ow owns? sounds like H name is not on it? This could work to you advantage. H could write no contact letter to OW and start a businees of his own or work for some one else.<P>Yes it does sound like H would think that he needs both you and OW in his life as you meet different EN's and do so in different ways. It is hard when you still love them, sometimes I think I should pray to quit loving H or if only I could get mad at him, things would be easier for me.<P>There are people that are here on the weekends just not as many. Again I am sorry that you are having this pain in your life.<P>Stay strong and true to yourself. <P>dawn<p>[This message has been edited by daybreak (edited September 02, 2001).]

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I agree with all that Cali has said..consult a marriage counselor and a lawyer. Has Plan B ever happened? I doesn't sound as if consequences are part of his vocabulary.<BR>T

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Fingers Crossed,<P>I know you are devastated about this new turn of events. You have been so strong all these years.<P>I am concerned about the effect this is having on your children. Do they know the real cause of their father's behavior? What a horrible example he is setting! IMHO, they are old enough to have their father explain why he is not there for them. How sad for them. If you have been protecting them by making excuses or covering for him, tell H that it's his responsibility for now on.<P>A strong Plan B is worth considering. He has to make a decision because his behavior is causing too much pain for you.<P>Take care and tell us what you decide to do.

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Am I just being an ignorant ws? What on earth could you possibly love about this man who obviously does not love you at all, and has used you for 4 years, and most likely your entire marriage. I know you are hurting, and plz understand I am not trying to be mean, but you are in a serious fog of your own. Get the goods on this loser, divorce with prejudice (get as much as you can) and don't look back. Life does not end at 50, there are men out there who will appreciate and love someone as willing and obviously loving as you, but you need to seriously reassess your inner self and find out why on earth you put up with this.<P>Lupo....I rest my case.

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Cali,<P>To answer your questions: No I have never plan B'd. Didn't need to. Even when he left to live with OW I plan A'd.<P>Plan B, now? I doubt that is what is needed. I'm sure if it did work he'd end up seeing her again. He knows I'll be long gone if our marriage ends, and it hasn't stopped him from still screwing around. In fact I flew 2000 miles away during each of his living times with OW to look for living in the new state, so he knows I am as serious as a heart attack. <P>That friend that told me he called her back told me once she started working with H again she told him she would NEVER leave my husband. That she will never give up. And I am afraid he is too weak to send her packing. You see the need she fills for him is she leads him to beleive he is 100% right 100% of the time no matter how wrong he is. If he is being dishonest in bussiness she justifies it. If he is angry it's always because of someone elses doing. He can do no wrong in her eyes, even when the rest of the world would be gasping at just how wrong he is at times. The problem with me is I have ethics, morals, and honesty (I'm not brutal with it and certainly have consoled him when he was wrong on MANY occassions). Those are things my husband is lacking in and doesn't care to develop. She has two kids that grew up into lousy lives, because she was too busy kissing my H's [censored] to see they were taking the wrong paths.<P>Thanks for the idea of rest. I'd love to take you up on the suggestion, but I doubt sleep is something that will come easy for me any time soon.<P>As for the marriage counselour. We had one, and I'll probably give him a call. We stopped seeing him when H left last time. Not because I wanted to but at that point (1999) H started his own bussiness and we had no insurance. The counselor never even knew H returned now I guess I can call him and fill him in. :sigh: I'd love to talk to Harley but finances won't permitt it. The only way I'll even be able to see the other guy is if he still willing to only take what the insurance will cover. Providing the policy even covers this type of thing. Come to think of it I don't think it does. Oh well, just another happy thought.<P>You know one of the hardest things for me to face is EVERYONE I know told me NOT to take him back. That eventually he would leave again, and most likely in worse financial shape. So here I am over four years later knowing if I had listened to the people that really cared about me, I would be well on my way to a life without the pain I have had had to endure, and without being broke with a H that has tax returns that shows he earns 26K a year, but make three times that in reality. :sigh:<P>Thanks Cali<P>FC<P>

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Daybreak:<P>A better me? I wish the things that I did made a better me for me. But they didn't. They made a better me for my H. I guess that's the part where MB didn't work for me. Perhaps now I am finally coming to terms with just that.<P>I doubt I'll drive back there today. I really don't need the picture. I already have the addy and the phone number memorized and once I recite the addy to him he'll know and won't be able to deny.<P>The bussiness is both of theirs, but hers on paper and without hin it wouldn't exist. I prefer not to mention the type of bussiness. I encouraged him to split from her when I found out she was involved but his excuss was he owed her a lot of money and this was the only way he could pay her back without having to hand over cash that he didn't have and she had contacts that would hekp the bussiness. AND he felt so guilty that she had given up so much of her life to him and just couldn't leave her stranded. I only wish I would be given given some of those same considerations. :sigh:<P>I'm just dizzy with thought and emotion right now. I keep going from fear, anger, heartbreak, and sadness to relief.<P>Thanks<P>FC<P>Twyla<P>As I told Cali no I haven't done a plan B and don't beleive it will work in my situation. As for the lawyer. My retainer from the first time he left is still with my attorney. Thank the Lord for me not totally buying everything my H promised me when he returned.<P>You're certainly right about some words not being in his vocabulary. Unfortunately consequences isn't the only one missing.<P>Thanks<P>FC<P>Estes49<P>The children are 18 and 16 now, both girls. They have known from the time they were 12 and 14 that dad had a *girlfriend* as he told them when he first left that is where he was going to be living. Niether has ever fully recovered in their feelings towards him, while they love him they just plain don't like him. I think they have been living with the same fear I have that he'll bail again, and their family will be be gone as they once knew it. As for the covering up for him and his actions? That is something I stopped doing the day he left back in 1997. Maybe that's why they never let him back into their hearts the way they could have if I had excussed his poor behavior away, but as I'm sure you are well aware and agree with that is something only he can and should correct.<P>As for the plan B I guess if he leaves again permanently, I would be in my only little plan b, anyhow. I just wouldn't write the letter. He knows me well enough that if he leaves again there will not be a third return into my life.<P>Thanks<P>FC<P>Sad n lonely<P>Thanks for your honesty, I think! I have asked myself the same question you have possed to me over and over. I just don't have a good answer for myself or for you.<P>As much as I appreciate your honesty I must say to think that my husband of 23 years never loved me at all, hurts almost as much as his adultery does.<P>I know my life isn't over. But what is over is my family as I knew it. My being the wife and mother that I was able to be and enjoyed so. That is very sad to me.<P>Thanks <P>FC

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FC,<P>I think your H almost undoubtedly does love you. I agree that he is very weak, and the OW takes advantage of that.<P>I am quite sure she is intensely jealous not only of you, but of his children whom she knows will never have anything to do with her. This sounds to me like she views this as a competition. It is not just coincidence that she is trying to make sure he misses, not just ordinary days, but major vacations and events in your children's lives. Her goal is to disconnect him from not only you but from his kids.<P>A long time ago she posted at least one thread on gloryb.com. It was obvious from what she said there that she felt terribly threatened by his love for you and his kids. <P>

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My God, why are you with this man? Four years of this hell constitutes downright abuse. Are there any redeeming qualities that you can you possibly think of that would move you to pursue this man? It seems to me that you have already done every thing possible in the past 4 years to save this marriage - to no avail. It is time to protect yourself now instead of pursuing a hopeless situation with a patently dishonest, immoral man. I would suggest that you get an attorney NOW in order to start protecting your interests and those of your children. Bless your heart, I truly hurt for you.

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FC,<P>I wish that this wasn't happening to you. There is not much else I can say, is there? I have decided that it is coming time for me to let go myself, for different reasons.<P>To some of the others here: Try to be a little bit more gentle... While FC probably knows that you mean well, to open up this thread and read the harsh messages that a few of you have written is extremely hurtful. She knows her hurt far better than anyone here can possibly know it. I'm not saying whisper sweet nothings and tell her he will be sure to come around once again - but a little more tact and diplomacy is in order here.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

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FC,<P>You have said your H has had an affair with this woman for 10 years. That for the last 4 years he has come and gone at will with this woman.<P>I will have to agree with SnL and a few others. It is time to terminate this mess. You deserve far better treatment than you have been getting. Further, it is unlikely that you will get him to commit to you in the way you want.<P>I would see a lawyer, make sure the lawyer knows about the underreported funds. I would negotiate a settlement based on what you know he makes, and if he won't negotiate, then I would see what the IRS has to say about it.<P>In short FC, you have done all you can do. I think it is time to admit that his love for you is gone or is greatly diminished. I really hate to say this but it seems to me that this is in fact true.<P>I hope someone can offer you some better alternatives.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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It seems that the longer the A goes on, the harder it is for the WS to let go of the OP. Ten years is a long time to be balancing two separate lives. I know this because my H had an A with the same W for over five years and he still thinks of her despite the evil that she had brought into our lives. <P>FC....it sounds as though you need to sit down with your H and lay all the cards onto the table. Confront him with your knowledge of his ongoing A and see what, if anything, can be worked out. If he refuses to acknowledge his participation in the A, he is "way out there" and needs more help than you could possibly work out on your own. Intervention with outside parties, be it marriage or legal counsellors, may be inevitable.<P>I am saddened that your children suffer because of their father's indescretions. Under no circumstances should a parent put their child/ren beneath other matters in life. I'll condemn anyone who places their offspring's needs as secondary to all else. I'm sure to receive some flack on that statement but I'll hold myself accountable nonetheless. Kids First!<P>Best of luck to you and yours.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited September 03, 2001).]

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Thanks to everyone else that posted. I don't have much time and want to post an update, so I apologize for not making individual reponses.<P>Thanks again!<P>FC

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GeezLouise:<P>I am saddened that your children suffer because of their father's indescretions. Under no circumstances should a parent put their child/ren beneath other matters in life. I'll condemn anyone who places their offspring's needs as secondary to all else. I'm sure to receive some flack on that statement but I'll hold myself accountable nonetheless. Kids First!<P><BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>GeezLouise,<P>Great post to Fingers Crossed! And I sooo agree with the statement about the kids. H is not in a fog after 10 years. His actions are deliberate and so disrespectful and selfish. His desires comes first, then everyone else's -even his precious children.<P>FC, continue to be strong. Hope my comments don't offend. I think you deserve peace in you life. Put you (and the kids) first. Sadly, your husband does not. Love, Estes

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Fingers Crossed,<BR>I too agree with Cali about trying plan B. But it may be too late. He has come and gone as he pleases that now he thinks you will always have your door open to him. You are a strong women, cause I would have rammed my car into his when I spotted it at the OW's house.<BR>I am the WS and I think you are too nice and sweet. IMO I would pack his bags and drop it off at OW's house and tell him your sick of how he treats you and the kids.<P>My step dad used to leave us and come back home just like this when I was younger all the time. I used to think I was the cause of him leaving. Finally when I got old enough to understand that he was just going to see his other women.<P>I don't blame you for wanting to throw in the towel. I know as a child that they may resent him for not coming to see them at special events. Maybe you should ask him about his priorties. Good luck. Sherry

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>FC,<P>I would see a lawyer, make sure the lawyer knows about the underreported funds. I would negotiate a settlement based on what you know he makes, and if he won't negotiate, then I would see what the IRS has to say about it.<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>No offense JL, But FC, <BR>Be sure you consult with a tax attorney before deciding to do any talking to the IRS. Relief for "innocent spouses" isn't what you really want to find yourself seeking right now. <BR>

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BH,<P>So right! I thought I said that or implied it, but you are definitely right.<P>JL

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to the top<BR>

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FingersCrossed:<P>Do you think all this Plan A stuff gives the WS the wrong message ? Like we are push overs ? Like we love them sooo much that nothing matters ? That they really feel like we got over it & it won't be as bad he next time ??<P><BR>I'm almost 42 & have been married for 16 years..4 kids. Found out 6mos ago that H was having PA's for past 13 years.<BR>Secretary EA/PA lasted 3 years. I never knew,never suspected. Although my husband never left me for the OW I think he would of if I wasn't pregnant. Anyway, I'm scared to death to stay & work at this just to have it happen again, he definetly has the persoanlity to think my Plan Aing is meaning I'm over it (no matter what I say)<P>I do not want to be 50 with my husband cheating again. My H has neglected our kids for years, he doesn't think so because he provided for us financially. Guess what...he used to make $150k per year now maybe $50k...sound familiar.<P>I read your post because I don't usually see too many former MB oldies posting. Everyone is in the "middle" of their own situations are being so positive. But is it realistic ? I would love to talk to you further. If you want to email me fitnut96@yahoo.com<P>You sound alot like me.<P>Lisa

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