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#944446 09/05/01 11:41 AM
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This may not be the most titillating post, but it is real world, and I am trying to see things from my wife’s side. If you are the wife of a laid off executive, I would really like to hear your side. Here’s mine: A couple of years ago, at age 47, I left a good career for an internet opportunity. At virtually the same time, I got married, after many years of being single. <P>I know how difficult it has been for my wife and stepdaughters to watch me trying to work in a failing business, then watching me struggle to find a new job. Living in a small city, the odds have been against me finding a career that was meaningful, prestigious, and paid what my previous job paid.<P>My wife constantly told me how embarrassing it was to tell people that I was out of work, and then, where I started working at a local retail store to bring in some income, how embarrassing it was that she made more than I did. Selling my home, at a huge loss, was painful. Their moving out into a small, but affordable house, was even worse. Worse yet was hearing about how much money her ex made, as well as former boyfriends.<P>In fact, she had an affair with one of her former boyfriends, which ultimately led to our divorce, which is final in a few days. Living through the collapse of both my professional life and personal life has been absolutely hell. I rent a small room in a boarding house. Just over two years ago I lived in a beautiful home, drove an expensive sports car, and wore designer suits. Fortunately, my only debt was my house, but going from 6-figures to $9.25 hr, well, I couldn’t maintain that lifestyle forever.<P>What I want to know is, how difficult has it been to maintain your support for your husband? If you were unfaithful, was it because your husband became less attractive, being out of work? Was it stress?<P>I’m really trying to understand her. She can’t wait for our divorce to be final, and has moved on without a second thought about me. We haven’t communicated in weeks. Common friends say she acts as if I never existed. <BR>

#944447 09/05/01 02:25 PM
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Dear HH,<P>What you have described is devasting to the character and could be to the soul but true love would not worry about financial status. Let me share. My H has made some money, not a lot but some. We live very modestly and by all rights should be living high on the hog. H stepped out on us. His income level is very low at this point and one of the reasons why he is depressed. <P>You are at a similar position (income wise)but on the other end since you are the BS. See income isn't what cuts this problem or makes it. Layoffs (or any other diaster) is not what would break a marriage. It may make it harder and times rougher but many survive that stressful time. No IMHO, your wife stepped out on you because she did not love you. Would you leave a person in need if you loved them? Nope. This may mean that eventually she would have left you anyway. Money bags (as OW claimed I used H - Ha ha - if anything it was the other way around - H knew better). <P>You waited a long time to find a marriage partner, it appears she did not appreciate your fine qualities and only looked at the material things. You are better off to find someone who will appreciate you as a person. Living in a big house or a small one doesn't matter as long as you have what is precious to you, your life and family. <P>So HH, go out and find the one who will appreciate you. She is out there. Maybe in a small apt or home, waiting for the right man to 'sweep her off her feet'. <P>Some people place too much on material things. After a while, life will teach them that you can be rich and still be sad and sick (look at H Hughes). Money does not buy happiness. Money can't buy you love. <P>You are a better person than to give your love to a materialistic person. Be wise with your next choice in life. You deserve to share your best years with someone that has your values. You are rich in your values, no one can take that away from you. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

#944448 09/05/01 03:41 PM
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During our marriage, my H was only out of a job once, for a few weeks. During that time, he was getting up before 5 am to go do hard physical labor for a few bucks an hour. I admired him greatly for that.<P>Shortly after he left us, he changed jobs and then promptly got laid off. That was over a year ago. As far as I know, he has been unemployed since then, except for occasional one day stints. Getting laid off is not the problem - what bothers me is that the man I knew would have taken any job at all by now in order to provide sufficient support to his children. <P>Having a low-paying job is not embarassing. What should be embarassing is not being willing to take whatever work you need to in order to support your family. But then again, he told me after he left (before he was laid off from his high paying job) that he would prefer to earn enough money to pay someone else to do the hard, dirty work - this from a guy who had chosen to go into farming not that many years previously.

#944449 09/05/01 03:50 PM
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Its very noble to say that money doesn't matter.<BR>But it does -- to a lot of people.<P>If one of your wife's top EN's was financial support, then you were no longer meeting her needs. I'm guessing that the lifestyle was a factor in your attractiveness to her.<P>I'm sorry for what you're going through.<P>

#944450 09/07/01 10:05 AM
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Orchid, Nellie, and Lexxxy,<P>Thanks for your responses. As I said in the opening, this wasn't going to be a real juicy story. Had hoped for a few more responses from those that had been the unfaithful ones in their relationships. I'm really having a difficult time dealing with this situation.<P>I had a boss a few years ago that preached that he didn't reward effort, only results. My wife is like that. She saw me working the phone daily, networking with friends and colleagues, sending out hundreds of resumes on the the internet job boards, with just no results. I've been at this since last November. It's just really tough out there in the job market. Enduring daily rejection at both the personal as well as the professional level is discouraging, to say the least.<P>Besides being physically beautiful, my wife is smart, graduating summa cum laude from college. She's athletic, being an avid scuba diver and aerobics instructor, and she loves to ride her motorcycle. She has 5 children, and every one of them is a straight A student, each gifted in some way, ie, personality, artistic ability, scholastic achievement, etc. <P>The bottom line to her is that I was an embarrassement to her and her children. I feel like the biggest loser on earth.

#944451 09/07/01 10:22 AM
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HH,<P> Your not a loser man. I know you don't want to hear it but here it is. Your W is the loser. You get that? She is the loser. The character flaw she has shown her children and the rest of the world is what makes her the loser. Come on, you know this is true.<P> Things...money...extravagant lifestyle. Come on man. These are the important stuff in life??? Of course not. <P> Mat 19:23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.<P> Mat 19:24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.<P> Luk 6:24 But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation<P> You do not have to be spritual to realize that it is your W who is shallow and has no real comprehension of the word commitment. You don't throw away someone you love and married for the sake of money or things.<P> I'm sorry if I offended you. But you are the decent one here, not her. I know how it must hurt you and I am sorry. But you deserve much more than a shallow minded 'give me more money/things' person.<P> jd<P> <p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited September 07, 2001).]

#944452 09/07/01 10:54 AM
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HH -<P>Well, you wanted to hear from a WS - so here I am, at your service.<P>My H and I have been married almost 5 years, the affair happened shortly after our 3rd anniversary. My H was unemployed (got laid off from a very good paying job) when we first started dating, but quickly found another job. We got married, and shortly after we got married - within a year, he got laid off, again, from another good paying job. He found another job within 6-7 months. Then after almost three years, he was let go, again from another job - same field which is highly unstable - lots of mergers, lots of numbers.<P>To make a long story short, my H didn't lose his jobs because he was a "slacker" or anything like that, he was just in the wrong field. The most recent time he lost his job - within 3 months of D-Day - well, it was a shock, kind of disappointing. <P>I think I know exactly how you feel, because my H probably felt the same way - he lost his job, he "lost" his wife to another man, his world was falling apart. The only good thing about our situation was that I had decided to recommit to our marriage right on dday - when I confessed the A to him. I didn't know if he would forgive me or whether he would leave me. I didn't want to lose him, I was totally remorseful for what I had done, and when he forgave me, I knew that we could get through anything together.<P>Having said that, things are going good in recovery, but I will say that two of my ENs are financial support and domestic support. It's not that we need to have a boatload of money, or designer suits and cars - I was the sole breadwinner for - well, I still am right now - but for most of our marriage. I have always made more money than my H - but in order to make the kind of money that I do, I have a very long commute, stressful work, etc. . .<P>So, when he was laid off after the affair a couple of things happened - at least for me. First, you have to know that my H has ALWAYS been my best friend. I didn't know if our marriage would survive our affair or not, I didn't have those "in-love" feelings anymore. I was scared and confused, but left it in God's hands to work out.<P>So, when he lost his job, not only did I have this mental crap - excuse my language - of the affair (I was severely remorseful, to the point of attempting suicide) plus I know HAD to go to work. I couldn't quit, take a break, I had to keep going - or we would lose our house, lose everything really. It was a lot of pressure - I went through some many things - I felt horrible for having had the affair, I hated myself actually, I hated hurting my H - but when he lost his job I felt sorry for him on the one hand, because I know he felt like no one wanted him, and on the other had, I resented having to carry the "mother load" once again for us.<P>For me, though, my H losing his job wasn't a good thing necessarily, but it made us pull together - like a team. It forced me to stopped thinking only of myself and the feelings of my H. But it was hard, really hard. And, I told my H I was having a hard time with this, now, because I just didn't know if I could rely on him - I KNOW horrible of me, but I had to tell him how I felt. I told him that I resented having to get up for work everyday at 5:00am and not getting home until 5:00 - while he got to sleep in, and just look for jobs. <P>So, fortunately for us, we both did a lot of honest communicating. I let him know how I felt, though I know what I had to say probably hurt him very much, but I think he's forgiven me. And we kind of talked alot about him changing careers, getting into a less unstable field. Right now, we do not have any kids, so I told him not to look at this as a loss but as a opportunity to get into something new. And, I think that gave him the encouragement he needed - to know that I supported him and was still willing to try. He thought I would KICK HIM OUT! Well, if he didn't kick me out for having the A - there's not way I could kick him out - if nothing else I owed it to him to help him get back on his feet again. And as we went through recovery - almost a year and a half now - we HAVE fallen back in love again. And I know we'll be together forever.<P>But it was hard. We both made the decision that he should go back to school, get into computers or something else that he enjoyed. I knew I could support us for a couple of years on my salary alone, and fortunately, I was able to get him an internship-type job where I work. It doesn't pay much - but at least it is experience related to the field he wants to go into. And, I know this time has been very hard for him, too. He doesn't make much money, but I am SOOOOOO proud of him. He's doing what he needs to do to finish his education and my work has already offered him a permanent job when he finishes. Again, won't make lots of money, but that's not really the issue. I just needed to know that he was trying and that I had a partner in this money-making support thing.<P>My H and I will never be rich, but I don't care.<P>But to try and answer your question, for me, I guess, the fact that my H lost his job mobilized me, challenged my resourcefulness - it got me off the topic of my feelings and helped me to think of my H. I think it drew me out of the fog very quickly.<P>Whether my H makes 1 million dollars a year or one dollar a year doesn't matter, I just need to know that I have his support. I'm not a very stable person myself, so he listens when I have a stressful job, we talk about selling the house, moving to a shack and selling coconuts on the beach.<P>I guess for me, my H had a lot more qualities that I like in a man. He may have had some trouble holding a job, but God, he had the heart and soul of a saint. He has more patience - with me and my family - than I could ever need. He is kind and forgiving, and he never lets me run from my problems. He's always willing to talk things out, and I think that's the best for our relationship - versus keeping things inside.<P>We truly have an amazing marriage now, but we went through HEll to get here.<P>For me, I needed to know that I could count on my H for more than just emotional support. While he's not making the big bucks now, I know he is making positive changes in his life - that eventually will pay off. He took odd jobs, worked on an assembly line, was afraid to tell people he lost his job, but I just kept telling him that I loved him for who he was - not what he did - he could be a janitor, a construction worker, a policeman, a high-powered executive and it wouldn't matter - as long as he did something to help us, help our family. We even talked about him being a stay at home dad - and that's a real possibility. Deep down, I just have to tell you, though, that I would not like having to leave my baby at home and going to work.<P>I think it just kind of goes back to the way I was raised. My mom stayed home while we were growing up. Dad, earned the money, mom had a side job. Until we got older, then my mom became the breadwinner. For me as a person, though - call it woman's nature - but deep down, I just wanted to know that there was someone there to support and take care of me. Maybe that's naive, and maybe that's what your wife is caught up in - that, maybe she feels like she wants/needs someone who can take care of her - financially more than emotionally.<P>For me, I knew I needed the emotional support more than the financial. And, that's where my H, ultimately, won my heart. Leaving was never an option for me, but I never thought I could be "in love" with him again - but I am. My H did a lot of the classic Plan A thigns without even knowing that he did them.<P>So, I think things - and the way people react to situations vary according to their situations, their perspectives, and their personality. My H losing his job, well, it was a sad time, but I knew he felt bad about it. He told me more than once that he felt like a loser.<P>The thing is, I was able to look past that "fault" if it is a fault - to see his other qualities, the qualities I first fell in love with when we met.<P>For me, it's kind of ironic - the affair happened while he was working this great job - but I always felt like his work was more important to him than me. So, when he lost his job, we both seized the opportunity, if you will, to make changes that would help our marriage - and one of those was getting a job that once he was off work, he was off work. No paperwork to do, no late night hours - and I think that part of it helped. This job he has now may not be high-paying, but it is better for us. We have breakfast together everyday, lunch most days, we ride into work together, come home together. Sometimes we need our "own" time, but this situation brought us closer together.<P>I know this doesn't help too much. For me, my mothering instincts took over - I wanted to take care of my H when he lost his job. I've never had money, come from a rich family, so I didn't "expect" certain things. I could always take care of myself - financially. It was the emotional stuff I had a problem with and that's where my H came in. <P>In my opinion, your wife seems, maybe, to focus alot on monetary things, possessions, having the best, putting on airs. She cares what other people think about her and her station in life. I don't know if I have any advice, but surely you just weren't a meal ticket for her. Concentrate on those things that you see as your strengths, she had to have been more attracted to you than just your money or your career.<P>For me, it was hard feeling like I couldn't rely on my H to keep a job. But I'm ashamed for thinking that way now. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't even be here writing this message. I love him, and I appreciate him for the man he is - the man I need in my life.

#944453 09/07/01 10:29 PM
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I am sorry, Hopeful Hubby that you are in this situation. Welcome to Marriage Builders. <P>Well, I was a WS am a female and my husband was laid off when I had my EA. We are still together.<P>I am also a BS. My husband cheated on me, several times, when we first got together. We never fully recovered from that. He refused to get counseling, so I went alone. That "healed" us for awhile and he was laid off. <P>Finally ended up with an okay job and then chose another lay off (due to the employment moving). He was picky (for lack of a better term), and did not get another job for about another 8 months. It was very difficult. <P>He then found employement again. Eventually, he had a wonderful opportunity to be in an apprentice program, while being employed there. He tested for it and received this position. Even though it was a cut in pay, we both felt it would be too good of an opportunity to pass by. After completing a big portion of this program, he was laid off again. Rather than pursue that same career, he chose to go in a different field (even though I voiced my concerns that it would be very stressful on our marriage and finances). <P>During this whole period, I was at the same company. We needed the stability and the income, even when I was very unhappy (on ocassion). <P>He ended up being laid off for a whole year and went to school for 6 months (not full time school). When he was finally out of school and started being picky (again) about employment, I started my internet EA. I believe it was an exit affair, in hind sight. All of this background in NO WAY excuses my behavior. I could have left, I could have done a lot of things, instead of having an affair. <P>As I said, we are still together and I am no longer a WS. I finally confessed, after my husband asked a few times. He implemented a short term plan A and I ended my affair 2 weeks after discovery. <P>I am still with the same company and now make more than my husband. So, not sure that this helps you in any way....but since I was a WS and my husband was laid off, I thought it might. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hopeful Hubby: <B>What I want to know is, how difficult has it been to maintain your support for your husband? If you were unfaithful, was it because your husband became less attractive, being out of work? Was it stress?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It was very difficult to support my husband emotionally, as well as financially. I definately felt the stress of being laid off several times, of not being heard, etc. contributed to my affair. <P>


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