Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
I considered titling this post - "Marital Terrorism," but didn't want to equate what my wife does to the terrorists acts of Sept. 11, but on a smaller scale, that's exactly how it feels.<P>In a way it's worse, because my wife knows her victims, professes to care for them (including OM's devastated kids), yet continues her aggressive delusion nonetheless. As a final point to the analogy, it certainly looks more and more like a suicide attack - she apparently doesn't care how she appears to her friends and family.<P>So, what pissed me off today?<P>I went to Costco early, as usual, hoping to avoid the crowds, to stock up on home essentials. The last time I was there, the check-out person told me I needed to check my account at the membership desk, so that was my first stop this morning. The membership is in my wife's name with me as the "free" spouse (foreboding, isn't it?).<P>You can see where this is going, right?<P>Anyway, the nice lady at the membership computer accessed the account:<P>Nice lady: Is there another person on this account?<P>Me: Yes, my wife.<P>Nice lady: What's her name?<P>Me: <WS from hell>.<P>Nice lady: Well, back in July, she replaced you as the spouse on the account with <OM>.<P>So much for my wife's appeals to me to remain friends.<P>I don't know whether to be angry, sad, or amused? I certainly shouldn't be surprised. <P>Early July was when I sent the Plan B letter, so maybe this was just one way for her to be vengeful - after all, what reason does she have to be mad at me other than the way I held up the mirror for her to peek into?<P>I was very tempted to finally use her real name here and the real name of OM, - complete with e-mails addresses she likely gave in the Costco membership - since she obviously has no secret dear enough to be kept from Costco, or thus, the world. But I will resist due to my suspicion that she is still being controlled by the Mothership, and may, just maybe, will eventually escape. BTW, she has never admitted an affair except on technical grounds.<P>Not a week goes by without some fact coming up to remind me of the bizarreness of this whole sordid situation. More and more, I am holding OM accountable for the continuance of this mess. He was well aware of our family's condition after the death of our younger son - he and his son were pallbearers, no less - yet he plundered the weak to feed his own ego and selfishness. Sure, I made mistakes as all BSs do, but I did nothing so rash as to create this mess. Regardless, he has totally alienated his family, burned all his bridges, and has gone way past the point of no return. I'm convinced he's calling the shots and has promised to bankroll any need my wife has. I wish his utter smallness was visible for all to see.<P>Although still in Plan B, I am in the mode of protecting myself, my son, and my property. I cannot specify the details, but terrorism must be countered at it's roots.<P>My only question: do I make known to my WS that I know what she did with the Costco membership? It may be moot since she and/or SIL may be reading this post. Do I express how it hurts and what it says about her denials in the past?<P>Finally, how is a person (OM) capable of such acts?<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited September 17, 2001).]

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,290
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,290
I suggest telling her. Not in a way that says here, OM's on the account, are you still going to deny A? Maybe just say you wish she would have told you to save you to save you the embarassment. It's probably an LB, but so what. She could have told you, without mentioning putting OM on the account.<P>BTW, has she filed yet? I haven't been following your post as much as I should.<P>sad dad

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,137
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,137
Dave:<P>Your consideration at this point, as you poignantly point out, is you and your son's stability and sanity.<P>So, yes, point out that you know about her pettiness with Costco, but do so in a way that underscores that it is a trivial thing.<P>As to the analogy of the situation vis a vis terrorism:<P>There are many similarities. Inwardly, of course, we wish we could retaliate--in the manner of nation-states--against OP's that perpetrate these acts of cowardice and devastation in our lives.<P>Fortunately for them, we live in a civilized manner (though I can attest to being tempted to visit massive physical retaliation against the OM when I was the BS).<P>So, in this microcosm of a larger scope, we must address it at that level. Plan B is your weapon and your defense. Also, as you point out, you maintain hope that the fog shall lift, and joint rebuilding can begin. You have balanced that hope with new inner strength and the ability to go on. However, this turns out my friend, you have become a better person. Some fortunate woman--your wife or someone else--will be the recipient of your newfound and profound insights into marriage and relationships.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
Dave,<P>I have a different opinion. Think about it. What difference will it make in your wife's decisions if you let her know about the Costco thing? Do you think she will regret ANY of this? Will it fix anything?<P>You know that it will make NO difference if you tell her.<P>Sure, it sucks, it's sneaky, it's rotten and it's low. But that is the nature of affairs. Even the ones that are denied over and over again.<P>On the other hand, if you simply get your own membership and go on about your life in Plan B, she will never know how much it bothered you. She will never know IF it bothered you. Keep your emotional well-being and that of your son in mind. Will it make your son feel better to know that you pointed this out to his mother?<P>Dave, you give her entirely too much power over you. Shrug this off as another in a long line of "things that people in affairs DO." Take the power back from her. The only way to do that is never to show her, particularly in Plan B, how what she does affects you.<P>As all of us in the United States of America need to do in the aftermath of Tuesday's terrorist attack on our country, you need to continue with your life and NOT let her actions shake you. We can do it and so can you.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
Hi Dave,<P>I'm sorry about this new revelation. YES! IT SUX!<P>Just like you, there have been so many of these kind of things that just keep on trickling down to me, and every time I learn of another I become less and less hurt by them. I have a very close to empty love bank .... that is, when I'm not hating my H for the things he has done and continues to do. <P>I agree 110% with Terri. Do nothing. Move on and chalk it up to a notch closer to letting go of all of it. <P>See Dave, every time you have a discovery of this sort, you lose a degree of love for your W. I guess it's the natural process and telling your wife how much it hurts you isn't going to make it hurt you any less, so why even tell her. Plus Dave ... you are in Plan B. No contact other than in regards to <son>. Remember, Hon?<P>Stay strong, Dave. We're here.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 16, 2001).]

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,162
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,162
done.....<P>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited September 16, 2001).]

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 996
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 996
Wow dave, I guess you know which side I stand on.<P>In so many ways I feel the same regarding the terrorist analogy. My H went ballistic about the attacks as did we all, but he came to me and the kids.... yet still at a distance and depersonalized. It proved to me that he is still nowhere and going nowhere. It proved to me (the tragic events) that I want something else to define my life.<P>I guess that is why I am in agreement with sandL. I really want OUT. I think I told you recently how ashamed I am of tolerating such disrespectful behavior. I suppose I could justify my actions in the beginning because It was just so out of character for my H and I really thought he would "wake up"... mind you he still denies everything and he has a BABY.<P>I think I justified my continued emotional abuse because I felt like I was doing it for the kids and their relationship with him, which gets worse when I try to back away.<P>It has become like chinese water torture for them with the constant addition of having the baby spend the night when they are there with him. His response....they NEED to be with the baby.<P>My response (that I didn't say) is that he needs the kids to bear the weight of his dysfunction. MInd you, they still do not know the OW, who she is....he never mentions her, or her name. I guess he thinks they'll adjust to a baby first. <P>Please tell me how or WHY I should even be a friend to this man. NOw I know what he would say or what his family would say.... "because it is not the kids fault or the baby's" and though I agree.... and will not interfere with their relationship...for me this is NOT about his AFFAIR, or BABY out of wedlock, Or the BABY...this is about him... and his continued selfabsorbed attitude and his mantra "no one is going to like what I am doing, but I'm doing it anyway"<P>So, after this long vent.... I've about had it this week and yes it is due to the tragedy. I am in total agreement with him...He and I are on completely different wavelengths. We have different values, we want different things for ourselves and the lives of our kids.... we want to be remembered for different things. I just can't pretend for anyone anymore.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Hi Dave,<P>Well, if she is paying for the membership, technically she can put whoever she wants. So if the WS lives in a techincal state of mind/fog/whatever, then she can and did. <P>But you and the rest of the world know better. So morally, ethically and even in a common sense way you are correct. <P>You know her actions are not motivated by being morally, ethically and even common sense. So why expect it? I agree you are p.o'd. Should you be? Yes, will it make a difference? Probably not. <P>Does this prove that her and oM are more than friends? No. It just means that OM means more to her than you. Ouch that hurt. I am sorry. But think, she claims to want to be friends with you? Yet she does this without even a 'friendly' notification? Well, is that how she teats her friends? You may need to go out and warn more of her friends. No, don't do that, but it is a thought!!!! <P>See Dave, this thoughtless, disrespectful attitude of hers is spilling out all over the place. It is only a matter of time that she will be visible to all and then you will have the proof you need. By then, you will be farther along in plan B and once that revelation hits her head and then she begins to see that this great mystery man still poops and pees like everyone else, well, he just might not seem so appealing anymore. <P>IMHO, her inability to admit is her greatest enemy. You have stated that in the past. Well Dave, I think her d/d is coming. In your case the BS had the d/d before the WS will acknowledge it. So her d/d may come after yours. Reverse fog mentality? I don't know, it is already so mixed up. But I think then you might see something. Just what & when is all up for grabs at this moment. <P>So get your own Costco card so that no one can prevent you from shopping at such a 'fun' place. By the way, I need to go and get some plastic garbage liners. Used to many moving H in & out & in & out....... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>In the meantime good buddy, please take care. You are a great guy with a loving son and many many friends. Keep your dignity and respect. You have mine....... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>L.

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
Hi Dave,<BR>I would like to weigh in on this also. I can "hear" that you are quite upset. That is natural. But I don't think you should let it upset you this much. Why? Cause it's something she did way back in July, I think you said. It's done. They (W and OM) may not have even gone back there to shop since then.<P>I can see that back in July she might have done this as a way to exert control over you....I'm seeing that fighting for control is a major stumbling block between the both of you (or you and OM, and he's "using" her to STICK it to you). <P>It's obvious to all of us that OM is pulling her strings, and he's getting to YOU by doing it. Please stop letting him do it. Take the advice given here and get your own card, do NOT tell her you know she changed her card. Otherwise, it does give her(and OM) "control" and "power" over you.<P>It's isn't a "direct hit" on you or your <son> or your lifestyle, so don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you got upset at all by it. Take control back. Stay strong. I admire how much you've gone through and held together through it all. Your W has NO IDEA what she's throwing away. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Lupo

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
{{{{Dave}}}}<P>Why don't you tell her "A lady at Costco told me you have a new husband?!" Might at least be amusing to see the reaction out of her and get the point across that her attempts at denial are pretty pitiful.<P>Time to be done with her as Tootrusting points out? I don't know, but I can see you getting to the same point as she. You deserve so much more. Don't waste much more precious time or energy on her. She's in an abyss. She needs something more than mere humanity can offer her to pull her out. There are many good women out there that need a man just like you and who will be eager to meet your needs for just the same consideration. God bless you Dave. You are a special man, you need to remember that!

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited September 16, 2001).]

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,661
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,661
wat,<BR>just had to put my 2 cents in here... ditto mttrhbrd. she expressed my thoughts exactly. I feel that it is about time for you to be done with her - done with letting her pull your strings.<P>I don't think you should mention it to her. It happened 2 months ago, and I just don't see anything good coming from you telling her. <P>I'm trying to compare this to the terrorist ataacks, but it's just not the same. over 5000 people died, so the U.S. can't ignore it, like you can ignore the costco thing. ya know? <P>Don't let it bug ya. You already know you've been replaced by OM in other ways. I think hearing from the nice lady at costco went through you like a dagger though. Take that dagger out, roll your eyes at the mothership, and accept the love and respect from this board that you're a good guy, and your name on a costco account doesn't determine who you are. <BR>

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
Thank you JL, for saying it better than I can.<P>[deleted text]<P>To the others, I DID immediately get my own membership, and yes, you are correct that I should allow this water to roll off my back as I have become adept at doing. In contrast to my tone expressed in the original post, I am very alive and well, I am enjoying being a baseball coach, and I am taking affirmative steps for my future. And thanks again for helping me to get here.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited September 16, 2001).]

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,162
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,162
btw dave, if you want it all out, maybe jl can edit his post too.

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 882
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 882
Way to go Dave...<P>Giving up your own power and energy to OM (and in a round about way W), sux the life force out of you. Keep that force for you and your son! Build the life you have dreamed of! I know you love W, but not this way, not the way she now. You can teach your son lessons along the way about the appropriate way to handle lifes curveballs, and how to hit to all fields when the pitchers are really good. But by being angry (ie...not going with the pitch and trying to pull everything), the average dips and frustration sets in.<P>Your W could not be honest about something so simple as a Costco card...what lesson did she teach your son? Be a better man than that..don't leave the lesson untaught, but do it in a non LB way.<P>Good job...your progress continues, along with your growth!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Dave,<P>Do you want me to edit my post? I will happy to do it if you would like.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: I didn't offer you any advice because I was sure you would handle this annoyance in the proper way. It seems you as usual did just that.

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
JL - yes, please edit out your quote from SNL.<P>SNL, thanks for your courtesy.<P>WAT

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
Hi Dave. I just had to jump on the band wagon here. First of all don't give your W or OM the satisfaction of letting them know it bothers you. You have your own membership now so screw them. Maybe you will get lucky and bump into W while you are shopping there wouldn't that be a surprise to her! You are a remarkable man in my book. I am so glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life good for you. You truly deserve to be happy and even if it's not with your wife you will not have regrets that you didn't do everything in your power to try to save your M. I wish you the best.<BR>C

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I have to agree with Terri and Jo, I would say nothing. She probably did it out of nastiness and this would give her great satisfaction knowing that she elicited a reaction from you. Don't give her that satisfaction. I say rise above it and let her stew in her own pettiness. <p>[This message has been edited by Dana114 (edited September 16, 2001).]


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 905 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5