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Joined: Apr 2001
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I am a little confused. I posted on an earlier thread about why would husband want to have sex with wife and girlfriend. I am the BS(wife). He made a statement today, after having sex, that we should keep any physical, sexual contact private. That if it were to get out to OW or his family it could cost him a lot of money. Now, nothing legal has been filed yet, neither of us have even talked to a lawyer. So, what did he mean by this statement. Yes, it would be embarrassing (sp?) for HIM if it were to get out. He is the one one decided to move out and have an affair. I know that at this point there is no chance of reconcilliation. The sex was mainly for me, because I needed some physical contact with another human being and I am not going to have sex with anyone but my husband. I think he is worried that I will make it out to be something that it is not. I think he is afraid that I will use it against him when divorce is filed. I have decided to forgive him for what he is doing. I must forgive him if I want to have him in my life. I know I will not have him as a husband and I think at this point, I am ok with that. We have been separated for 15 months, so I have run the gammet on emotional issues - from I hate him to where I am now. I do want to keep him as a friend and I want him to stay in contact with our kids. I have thought about in the past moving back to the state where my parents are, and my H has let me know that he does not want me to go. He wants the best of both worlds. He wants me here, but not as his wife. I guess I am just confused as to why? Why is he afraid of people finding out about our "different" relationship and why does he still want me around? What are the legal ramifications to what we are doing? I guess I am nieve (sp?)about these things!! <p>[This message has been edited by Rdhead10 (edited September 30, 2001).]

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Well, after 15 months of being separated he should be ok with you going your separate ways. He should not be looking to hide the fact that you two have had sex together, that's so wrong. You are still married I take it and the fact that he is still sleeping with you (regardless of who initiates it) is something telling. <BR>I have to say it sounds like he wants the best of both worlds...I don't know how you feel about him but it sounds as though your telling yourself your still not attached to him yet I think you are. The fact that you don't want to meet or sleep with others tells me your still into each other.....I would take it for what it's worth and know that if that's the one thing you can use to get the two of you connected again that even that is a basis for a relationship...<BR>It sounds as though he doesn't want to end the relationship so I would dare to think he's in denial and maybe didn't really want to end this relationship. I would suggest to him that for the kids sake the two of you seek counseling to establish a good relationship in dealing with each other in regards to the kids and then confront him in a couseling session about your confusion over the relationship....it might do both of you a world of good. God Bless...<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Joined: May 2001
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It sounds like the reason your H doesn't want you to tell is because he doesn't want OW to get mad at him. He is treating her like she is the one in a committed relationship with him, and YOU are the OW. OUCH!!<P>As for $$, I don't know what he is talking about. Maybe he fears he and OW will breakup and they just bought something big that he invested in and he will lose lots of $$ because of the breakup, or something similar with a member of her family.<P>I am not sure why you would put up with this from your H and why you would agree to have sex with him when he is committed to OW. Do you attend individual counseling and have they helped you to sort out these feelings? It just seems like you are letting yourself get used and someday it will catch up with you. I know you say you did it because you wanted sex, but are you seriously telling us there was not more? You didn't hope to feel love or something more for him and see if you could get him to come back? If so, then IT WILL HURT later on is all I'm saying. Not that it is wrong, but it just see a flashing DENIAL sign in your words...<P>I tried that game. Sex for sex and not trying to make it be more than that (when H was in EA). It didn't work for me, it was always more than that to me. Perhaps it works for you...<P>Good luck, if you can do it after 15 months - God bless.<BR>HbH

Joined: Feb 2001
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Hurtbyhubby is right. He doesn't want OW to know. I think this is a good time for you to somehow let someone in her circle of friends know that HE HAS CHEATED ON HER!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Marry

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gottruth?:<BR><B>Hurtbyhubby is right. He doesn't want OW to know. I think this is a good time for you to somehow let someone in her circle of friends know that HE HAS CHEATED ON HER!!!!!!!!!!!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I third that. First thing that came into my mind. You are now the OW. Ugh. No way I'd keep that secret, evne if I didn't want him back. I'd make sure EVERYONE knew lol.<P>

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Why would he want to have sex with both of you? Because he can. Why doesn't he want people to find out? Because he's ashamed and embarrassed and in the case of the OW, SHE would probably throw him out....<BR>Set some limits on this relationship.<BR>T

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I agree...he doesn't want OW to know.<P>Do what I did...give him a hickey!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It MUST have caused problems for them [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com], cos after they split, she started calling me, and one time called me a slut for sleeping with my own H [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]!<P>So do it again, and give him a hickey!<P>Worked for me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].

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Nina, you are too funny... I bet it would work though.<P>My H gave me a hickey last week, I could have killed him because I am not ready to tell the people at work that we are back together (too soon, too many questions, etc), yet somehow I managed to blow-off their inquisitions.<P>I agree, give him a hickey, someplace PRIVATE... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>HbH

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YOU HAVE NOHING TO LOOSE HERE!!!!!!!!!<BR>GET HIM BACK IN BED AND GIVE THAT HICKEY!!!!<BR>THEN TELL TELL TELL TELL TELL TELL TELL<P>HOW DARE HE TELL YOU NOT TO TELL.<P>------------------<BR>Marry

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Yeah!!! Guess I started something here! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>You know, it came back to me though...With H's A#2, I noticed what I am SURE was a fading hickey on his neck...{he still to this day says he isn't having another A.}<P>Anyway when I asked him, he denied it was there, just a shaving rash, he's too old for that, etc, etc etc...blah, blah, blah...fogese.<P>So anyway, as hurtful as it was, I got a glimpse of what must have happened when OW1 saw MY hickey [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].<P><BR>Yeah, I like the idea of somewhere private, too!!!<P><BR>Do it girl, and do it WELL!!!<P>And I agree about the telling. YOU have nothing to hide!!!<P>

Joined: Apr 2001
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You guys are great!! Made me laugh. I did think about giving him a hickey!! Maybe next time - because he says he wants there to be a next time. I have thought about telling, but I want to keep it for myself right now. There are several people that would and will think I am crazy for being intimate with him again. Right now I am in this part of this relationship for ME! He is still my husband and I would like to keep at least this part private - for a while. It would be kind of fun though to let her know that he is cheating on her too!! Thanks Nina too for the laughs!!<P>Tina


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