I see so much grief on these boards, particularly from people who are separated from their WS. My WH left our home three weeks ago, and although I feel pain that my kids don't see their dad everyday, I am personally relieved. No more pretending, no more worrying about when or if he'll come home, and what sort of mood he'll be in when he gets here. I'm sleeping better, doing more, and in general, just feeling better.<p>My story in a nutshell- H involved in an EA since mid-April '01. Dday 05-31. Basically, he's found his "soulmate", and it "aint" me. OW moved across country (NY-we are in CA) August 01, '01. I'm virtually certain they are still in daily contact by phone, email, and text paging, etc. H still very confused, fogged in, possibly major MLC.<p>I'm wondering if any other BSs out there felt relief when the WS finally said "I need to leave". It hurt for a minute, then all I felt was relief. It makes me wonder if I really love him after all. God knows from the bottom of my heart, I THINK I do. I FEEL I do. Is it just that the man he's become (distant, cold, withdrawn) is so different from what he was? Is it that he wasn't really here anyway for the past eight months? I have worked my butt off trying to please him. Maybe I'm just too tired? Or do I actually NOT want him in my life anymore? Any insight? My reaction to this seems so "abnormal". Although I know "normal" is pretty difficult to define. I'm really confused about my feelings right now.

Hi Rapunzel:<p>I don't think your reaction is abnormal at all...the emotional distancing, the lying, the excuses...all the bi-products of an affair...are very wearing on the BS...and although we miss the partner that we had in the pass...we don't miss this "stranger" who came to live at our house...and we can in a way be glad to have him gone...so that we don't have to deal with this situation everyday.<p>It's not permanent...if in time we can begin to take stock of what has actually happened in the marriage and what our part of that was...then we can begin to forgive a little and begin the process of restoring the marriage.<p>The unfortunate part of all this is however is that the affair is a reality...and the feelings and emotions must be allowed to progress to their natural conclusions....and our only part in this is to let it happen...while we work on ourself so that we'll be prepared to begin the process of restoring the marriage after the affair has died.<p>Don't however fail to come to terms with the affair and the tremendous hurt inflicted by the affair...don't bury it...work through it. Until you deal with it...it still has the power to hurt you...no matter how much you ignore it and pretend it doesn't matter. This could be what you are doing...but it's just a thought...only you know for sure.<p>Faye

Faye-<p>My concern is also that I may be burying it, but I don't think so. I have done a lot of self-examination in the last 6 months, and for the last 4 months or so, corrected many of the things I now know I was doing wrong in my marriage. My husband worked long hours and travels a great deal. He also made a lot of money. It became very much a "you do your thing, I'll do my thing" situation. We both neglected to stay connected. I now realize I suffer from depression (probably since my teens) and am on medication for it, since late July, when I finally began to really Plan A and try to meet his needs. I have done a lot of work, and am definitely a better "me" than I've ever been before. But, after months of that, he left anyway. I don't think he even knows her that well. I kind of wish he would just fly away and spend some real-life time with her, you know? It's hard to compete with a fantasy. Maybe I am just tired. I've tried so hard, and got nothing back, nothing at all. He's so ashamed (he says), he won't deal with the reality of what he's done. Maybe I need a break as much as he does, I don't know. Thank you for your input. I have much to consider. Am I simply being "too strong", or have I moved into a degree of acceptance that I cannot control this situation, or have I been so badly hurt that I do not love him anymore? I suppose time will tell. Thanks again for the food for thought. I'd say much prayer and journaling is in order.<p>Carol

I know exactly how you fell, found out about my ww affair about 6 weeks ago, she has told me it was over, found out it wasn't. Told me it was over again, found out it wasn't. Now I'm suppose to believe it's really over. I want to but I don't. WW won't leave, but i know what you mean about being tired, I have been plan a'ng my butt off and it doesn't matter because she's still involved with the om. I think the way you are feeling is "normal", worry about yourself (probably the first time in months)and get yourself healthy again. Like you i've seen how to make changes in my own life, I hope my ww benefits from the changes, but i'm tired of doing all the work, i'm stepping back, giving her space and taking care of myself and our kids.
Good Luck

This is my first time. Have same feelings. Feel like I am doing all of work but ww isn't sure what she wants. Said she does not love me and hasn't for some time. She is scared that it won't work out and I don't know how much she is trying. My question is how long do different steps take. How long before I could expect an I love you or sincereness from ws?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> worry about yourself (probably the first time in months)and get yourself healthy again
<hr></blockquote><p>BING, BING, BING!!! You're right, absolutely right. I think this "calm" might just be my body and emotions saying "We've had enough for right now". I didn't ask him to leave, I don't consider myself in Plan B- but this is a good opportunity for me to try to do some personal healing, isn't it? Without the stresses of daily contact with him.<p>Gone, that is the million dollar question for all of us- How long does this take? If your WW is still in contact with the OM, you will not get much in return for your efforts. Just keep making changes for YOU. Even if your marriage doesn't make it, you'll walk out a better person than you are right now. That's what plan A is all about. <p>Thanks for the added input.

Hi Rap,<p>Wow this sounds like a continuation of our last disucssion. You know some of us get over that emotional shock a bit quicker than others. <p>I thought I did but I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I hung onto that emotional part for the better part of 9 months. The reasons vary. The point was is that I just couldn't make myself let go before that. I wish I had the strength you display and yes to a certain degree I did and did bury my feelings. When I did that and since I was not emotionall ready to let go, my body did a number on me and out came the anxiety attacks along with suicide thoughts/attempts. I have not been on any medication even yet, but those feelings were strong. <p>Now I feel I am near where you are. Yes, my H is home but it will not take much for me to separate. I am at a point that I know I have done all I can to contribute my part of changing and accomodating. It is up to my H to show his part. <p>I now feel much more that I am at the 'acceptance' stage of this grieving over the A stuff and ready to move on. <p>I do not think your abnormal in anyway. You actually reached that plateau quicker than most. However, make sure you are not harboring your feelings within you setting yourself up to explode later. ok? <p>It is a scary road ahead for everyone. Movement is required to continue living and move forward we must. It is like breathing, a necessity of life. Whether our mates choose to move forward with their families or not is their choice and the consquences are shared by all. That is what I have learned from all this. That is hard. I am learning to accept that. <p>I admire your stance Rap. Take care. <p>L.

It's a lot like beating your head against a brick wall. It just feels so good when you stop.

Psyco_B,<p>OUCH!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

I know how you feel! It is normal, I was going through the exact same thing, and when my husband filed for a divorce, that was all I could take. I moved back home, about a 4 hour drive from my husband. I thought I would have a mental breakdown, but I didn't. I kept waiting for the emotional trauma of what was happening-losing my husband, marriage, home, family to come crashing down on me-it didn't. I've only cried a handful of times since I left, whereas before I was crying practically everyday!<p>I too questioned whether I had lost love for him, whether he was really the one I was supposed to live the rest of my life with, whether I even wanted to see him again. I have gotten a better self-image of myself and, most importantly, have drawn closer to God. Before I left, which by the way, I wouldn't have left had he not filed, I would have continued to stay in the situation-me fussing and screaming and him staying gone all the time. When I discovered a website called restorem.org, it confirmed to me that I should have a restored hope for my marriage and start showing my husband love and kindness, not malice and contempt as I did before.<p>Since discovering restore ministeries, I have made efforts to move back-something I NEVER thought I would do. We've only been separated 7 weeks, and I am moving back. I feel I have to fight the good fight, but I needed the last couple of months to get myself together, to define who I was, and to get from under the personal attacks my husband was putting me under.<p>I pray for my husband, as you should, that his heart will turn and his faith be restored. I no longer argue with him, or contradict him on purpose, I submit to him. I released my attorney, and told him I would trust him in his dealings.<p>God Bless you and pray!

R-<p>I must confess, I didn't read ALL the responses, because I was in such a hurry to answer you, so if this is a repeat, I apologize (and you can bash my head against that brick wall for a while).<p>One possibility for your lack of anxiety of having WH out of the house is the fact that when he walks out the door, you're in no danger of him trapsing over to OW house and sleeping with her, whereas if she still lived in CA, that WOULD be a danger. I know for a fact that's where a lot of my Energizer moments have come from, just KNOWING that they were together....phone calls, text pages, etc...I can handle- but sex, hmmmm NOPE.<p>Just my opinion.
Kev

Hey ya, Orchid, thanks for the encouragement!<p>Psycho- thanks for the lol, and you are right, my forehead was gettin' a tad tender!<p>SEA- I agree with you wholeheartedly- I pray every day for God to turn my husband's heart back to what is sacred and right- our marriage and family. And if he called tomorrow, and said he wanted to work this out, I would welcome him back with loving arms and an understanding soul. OW would have to go, though. As things are now, I am trying to support him however I can, I have made it clear that I am here if he wants to talk, if he wants to go to MC, anything- I haven't given up on him yet.<p>Kev- Intersting point about sex you bring up there. Maybe I'm just odd, or maybe it's a male/female thing, but I don't think it would hurt me any more if they did become physically intimate. Reading these words written to another woman, whom he'd only been with for six weeks, after 13 years of marriage to me:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"I have never felt as close to amyone as I feel to you, my sweet. And I truly mean that. I have had feelings in the last days that I have never felt before. For anyone. Ever. You are the love of my life. I know it now. And I'm here for you if you need me. For anything. <hr></blockquote><p>was as devastating to me as any sex act could ever possibly be. He doesn't believe that, and in fact, won't call it "adultery", because of them only kissing. The emotions alone were enough to rip my heart out, I don't think this thing going PA would hurt anymore, of course I know I can't be sure of that till it happens.<p>Or maybe I'm not worried about it because I KNOW for a fact that there is NO ONE more talented in the bedroom than yours truly! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Tee hee, humble, aren't I? JK, guys, don't label me the town tramp.<p>On a serious note, I am reading "The Four Agreements" (thanks for plugging it all the time, Cali [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) I read this tonight- <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need ti trust yourself to make the right choices. <hr></blockquote><p>Food for thought........ thank you for all the input- I can tell you, if I am repressing and start to crumble, I'm glad I have you guys to turn to.