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Joined: Dec 2001
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Well my situation: I am a BS (I think that means betrayed spouse, im bad with the acronyms [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). been together 7 years, engaged 1.5 years ago, M only 6 MONTHS ago. My WW has been having the A for 1 YEAR. She says she hasnt loved me for as long as she can remember. <p>My question: I guess most of the answers I will get may be biased about what we all want to hear. But I wanted to ask. Do you think that if a person falls out of love with someone for a LONG period, they can fall back in love with them passionately? AND while im at it. Do you think if the A ends in Plan A (just stop communicating) with both the WS and OM/OW still wanting to be together that the feelings for the OM/OW will die off?<p>I guess these two things are the main Idea of plan A. But I'm just concerned that struggling through a year or so, my wife will still see me as just a friend and still long ot be with him.
I guess thats what filling the LB and the EN survey are for. Any sucess stories?

Joined: Nov 2001
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My opinion is YES~!!! I do think, as you said, that you both should do the ENQ and work on meeting each other's needs. <p>Love and marriage are like gardens. You can't just drop the seeds in the ground, walk away and come back years later to a beautiful garden oasis. You have water, fertilize, weed, prune and care for your plants. You have to plan the layout or you'll just have a wild, overgrown clump of weeds. I think too often, we either don't know or forget that marriages need maintenance on an ongoing basis.<p>Obviously, an affair usually starts because some needs aren't being met on the part of one or both spouses and they meet someone whom they think will fill those needs. Often without ever turning to the other spouse and letting them know the garden needs to be watered. They just look at their brown, dried up little patch, then turn to the really green grass over the fence. Someone here said, of course, it's greener over there--that's where all the bs is spread! (who said that? I love it...so true). But you can bring your little garden back to life with care and work.<p>And, yes, I also think that as time goes by, both the WS and OP move on (if there is no contact) and if their needs are being met better at home, they will stop wanting to be with the op. (Just my opinion--that's all I have, really.)

Joined: Nov 2001
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HangingIn,<p>I agree with diddallas...the feeling of love can ABSOLUTELY be restored (and many times stronger than before) and the 'need' or 'longing' for the OP will fade. It takes time and the strength too resist the temptation. I am living proof...far from being totally recovered, but we're trying everyday.<p>BTW, I posted to you under your other thread in the Plan A/Plan B category.....

Joined: Apr 2001
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Yes they can regain their love. My H was deeply involved with a single OW from his workplace. Intense EA/PA for 18 mo and when I found out last year he said he didnt love me, only loved her, wasnt ending his A and was leaving me for her. He tried and tried to get me to agree to a simple divorce. He even filed on me after awhile at the urging of OW. He refused counseling after 2 sessions where he 're-wrote' our marital history saying we were 'never emotionally bonded' to each other and that he got married 'because he felt he was at the age to.' (26). I freaked out as I definitely remember the circumstances OTHERWISE. It took him 6 mo to come out of his fog and finally 3 mo after ending all contact with OW he became intimate with me again(He hadnt even kissed me for 7 mo let alone anything else) and he fell VERY much back in love with me. Our intimate life is better than it has ever been. Dont give up. lifeismessy

Joined: Oct 2001
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The book saa, says that the ws will always be vulnerable to the other person and therefore must cease and end all contact now and forever.. it is awful to even consider anything else... your spouse should understand this, and as time goes on do check ups with a mb counselor or you or themselves... and you to see how they are with the marriage and no contact.<p>HUGS< honey

Joined: Oct 1999
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Here are my thoughts on LOVE...<p>I believe that Love is a VERB not a noun...it's something that you actively and willingly choose to DO, not something that you are "in". When someone is doing loving things for you and thinking loving thoughts about you then they in turn feel love FOR you. It's something that takes effort and has great rewards.<p>I also believe that the only love that a person can FEEL is the love that they are giving...if this weren't true then everyone that we've ever loved should technically love us back, right? But we all know that's not the case. We can appreciate and acknowlendge that someone is being loving towards us AND in turn can reciprocate our OWN loving feelings for them. <p>I think that when our spouses "fall out of love with us" it's because they, themselves, aren't doing anything loving towards us. All of their effort is going into thinking and feeling loving energy towards the OP. But once they break contact with the OP and start refocusing their love on us, then they will once again feel loving feelings towards us. <p>I hope this made sense...I haven't had my coffee yet [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]


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