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#968931 01/09/02 08:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
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This is my first post. My husband had an brief affair 4 yrs ago. He publicly confessed and left the ministry he was involved in. He went into what we called "shut down". He was very repentant. He worked hard and came home to our family but didn't get involved with friends or new church or activities. Now, he is in extreme emotional pain again. It started about a year ago with a lot of "heart to heart" conversations of how he would not be in pain if I was more sensual or would lose weight. I tried my best to comply...he stopped initiating sex and in my naivity I thought is was just his "depression/pain". Now he has openly confessed and wants to deal with the fact that he has had 3 other affairs during the last 3 years. Two were brief internet acquaintance affairs. The final internet affair lasted 1 1/2 years and he was in love with her. She broke up with him. He confessed to me and wants to see if we can "fix our marriage" and "change his heart". All that aside...is it normal for him to be in such pain and depression? Is that just part of the withdrawal? He has used the words "hopeless and daily guilt and pain" for four years. He hasn't been himself for 4 years (he used to be friendly, active and vibrant) he isn't that for more than a few minutes at a time now. It's been 3 weeks since the confession and each time he talks to a counselor or me about the issues he is overwhelmed with emotional pain. He is having trouble sleeping, loosing weight, can't focus on work etc. I'll take any advice but my specific question is...is his pain normal or is it more than regret and guilt?

#968932 01/09/02 11:00 PM
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I'm sure he is hurting right now--he is dealing with a loss (the fact that it was an illicit relationship doesn't make the hurt less)...but with the other things you have said, I think he is also clinically depressed and should go to the doctor for possible medication. Meds literally saved my life. His affairs could have been him searching for something to make him happy in his depression for a long time. Sometimes when you're depressed you don't know it...you just know you have a really, really big 'sad' in you that you just can't seem to shake.<p>I think it's very encouraging that he wants to work on repairing your marriage. I encourage you both to read everything on this site...it's full of wisdom and wonderful friends to help. Stay in counseling. It sounds like you're on the right track to begin recovery.<p>Good luck...keep us posted.

#968933 01/09/02 11:06 PM
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My WS was depressed and cannot seem live happily with what he has done. If your H is a Christian, I would image his guilt and pain must be 10x worse. My WS has no faith or convictions from within. <p>I forced the issue of WS leaving our home cause he could not untangle his emotions from OW, and he was depressed for weeks before and after. He seems to have gotten over the depression but struggles periodically with regret and remorse and guilt. I cannot image that doing what they are doing can give them any lasting good feelings.<p>Is your WS agreeable to read any MB info? Maybe he needs some meds to relieve the pain so that he can heal and move on from this place he is in right now. He sounds like he is not healing from the wounds of living a lie and entangling himself in sinful behavior.<p>There is healing in learning and growing and I pray that he will get to that place. You can help by learning and growing yourself. Make sure to read all the info and get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. <p>TW


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