I recently told my husband of 9 years that I had a one night affair. He is devastated more than I ever expected. We have 3 children (4,6,8) and I want things to work out. I just need help on helping him heal.<p>We have had problems in the past. A lot due to the fact that as a child I was molested by my step father. He would make me do things so that I would not get into trouble and could get the things I wanted. Then my husband and I started having problems after my first child was born. He would get so angry and frustrated. He would yell at me and stuff. Then he would tell me that he was a man and he needed sex. That I did not want him to be an ******* then I would need to have sex with him. There was a period of time when he kept up with it on a calendar so that he could tell me how often we had sex. So after many bouts of counseling and me going through a lot of mental stresses (eventually finding out that I have Grave's Diseaes (Hyperthyroidism)) I just came to the conclusion that to keep peace I would just make sure that we had sex. So we did and for about the last couple of years I have done just that. Tried to keep peace by having sex with him. He still had his bouts of being an a**hole.
I have a demanding job and three children. He has a problem with my job because I have been successful beyond what either of us expected and that has been an issue also. <p>But I never meant to hurt him like I have. I did not have this affair on purpose. I am 29 and my H is 37. I just wanted to feel like someone cared about me and my interests. But now I feel awful. The morning after the affair I felt so horrible I had to go to the Priest and ask for forgiveness. The affair was just two weeks a go. It is not like me and never has been like me to have a one night stand. I have no way of explaining what I did. I am sorry and I want to help my husband heal so that we can begin to work on these other issues.

helpneeded --<p>Welcome to MB--I noticed that this is your first post. If you haven't already, read the "General Welcome to New Builders" stuff to get an overview. You're in a good place to get support and advice and suggestions about this from a lot of wonderful people here. We'll help you through this...<p>I am very sorry for your pain; reading your words hurts. I have a couple of thoughts: 1) two weeks ago is a very recent disclosure for him. His pain is still raw and open, a true massive wound. I wish you would have written to us about three weeks ago. We would have told you how much this would hurt your husband and your marriage, whether you meant to or not. Some marriages recover from this, some don't. Some betrayed spouses recover and some don't. It's not just an emotional hurt, it's a physical one that takes its toll on the body and the mind. It's going to take a lot of time for him and patience and love from you if you're going to get things back on track. No quick or easy fixes here.<p>2) I'm encouraged that to do this "isn't like you" and you "feel awful" = good signs of much-needed remorse and contrition. I believe that affairs are symptoms of marital difficulties, not causes. Something's wrong inside the marriage which allows a spouse to venture outside the marriage. Some of the problems you've already identified. Some are probably buried deep in your childhood memories. Some are newly created by your affair. Lots here to work on but it certainly sounds as though you're ready to work--is he? <p>Probably not at this point, but it's possible. He's still in shock and reeling from what happened. Don't be surprised if, for now, he isn't interested in working with you--he may be too stunned. Time and Patience are the keys here. He's got to learn to trust you again before he can be comfortable with you, that will take a lot of time and a lot of work on your part. You'll have to "earn" that trust back. <p>He's grieving and upset now, that may turn to anger. Be prepared for a real up-and-down roller coaster of emotions and interactions with him. It won't be easy or predictable or pleasant. Is it worth it to you to salvage this? Then hang in with it and help it to happen. <p>Beg for forgiveness and show him and tell how sorry you are. Freely tell him any details that he needs to know to help him heal--even the intimate ones. There are reasons why you did what you did. You may "have no way of explaining what you did" but there are reasons that absolutely need to be unearthed. Get into counseling --individually and together, if he'll go.
Read the recommended books on this site, especially "Surviving An Affair." <p>I would argue with your statement that you "did not have this affair on purpose." Yes, you did, it was a choice that you made and acted upon. I'm being hard on you for a reason: you need first to accept complete responsibility for your actions; it wasn't circumstances, you did it! Now the two of you try to pick up the pieces... If the two of you want to recover, it's always possible, maybe even probable--Time and Patience.<p>Hang in with us--we're here for you. Post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We care...<p>Ammon

help,<p>You've been given some wonderful advice already and some great insight. We are all here for about the same reason an AFFAIR, either are own or that of our spouses.<p>Please go over to Just Found Out, and read the welcome to newbies, also look for any post from redhat as he has some great link in his signature.<p>Remember we are here to support, come here to vent, say the angry words to us let us give you the feedback that you need.<p>Prayer, Patience and time let them be your friends.<p>Best wishes,
Dawn