My H of 17 years announced suddenly that he wanted to separate -- that he loved me but wasn't "in love" with me and that living with his best friend wasn't enough. He said there was no other woman. He moved into an apartment 10 days later, taking few things with him. Has his own bank account.<p>He met me for dinner once each week and came out to the house on the weekend. It was in the middle of a remodelling when he left and he had promised to do certain things.<p>When we had dinner, I had difficulty not asking him how things were going -- trying to find out where I stood. When I really pressured him, things seemed worse...he was "happier with no responsibilities and without the long commute" and when he did come out to the house "there was nothing there that made him happy to be home." After two months, I had another talk with him, asking him if he had figured anything out. He said he still didn't want a divorce -- alwasy asking me if that was what I wanted -- and that there really wasn't anyone else. I told him it seemed that he really had not figured anything out on his own. The next day he asked to come back. He said he would get counselling, that he would be more communicative, but that he was coming back just to see if things COULD work.<p>He's been back about a month now. The first 10 days or so were pretty good -- he was seeing to my needs as much as I was seeing to his. But since then, he has gone quiet -- stays late at work, seems in pain to be at home, avoids me, or so I believe. He won't go to counselling. He says he is not yet committed to making the marriage work. He loves me but isn't in love with me. I am following my Plan A -- being the most supportive, understanding, cheerful companion I can be.<p>I've read that Plan A's last from 3-6 months and that the waiting spouse must be ready to be a "doormat." My therapist says I need to figure out how to go on alone and then to do it. Invite him but try to enjoy life without him. When he was separated, he got interested in the Emotional Needs stuff, but then lost interest. I am trying to concentrate on the positives -- he is still at home, there isn't another woman....but he is unwilling to work on the relationship. Does anyone have any ideas?

Zowie, I shudder when I read this! It's so simular. I went for 3 months of counseling and dancing around the issues with him hoping he would come clean, knowing, really knowing deep down inside me that SHE was there.........in his thoughts, in his guilty behaviour, and in his plans. Everything wasn't great up to that point but it wasn't separation bad either. She was there between us and his guilt wouldn't let him confide in me, his best freind. I kept asking him, telling him I didn't understand, why is it I was his best freind, a great lover, a wonderful mother, a great provider of comfort, loved, yet not in love with me???? It made NO SENSE.
I tricked him big time. Best LB I ever did and I think I would do it again in a New York Minute!
He came clean and I broke every dish in the house and then we went for 2 months with him backing off from her and me working my charm like a fiend. He found out what he had known all along, that it wouldn't work and that I wouldn't let her turn my family upside down for him to find that out, that he owed it to me to commit to an honest try at our marriage and the only way he could do it was to break off with her completely. I had to trick him into understanding this..........it's such a sad thought.
Yet I really feel God was guiding me every step of the way. He knew exactly what I needed to do and he guided me to do all the right stuff.
I think you really know what's going on, but like my counselor told me, "Your not ready to see things until your ready to handle them, you know them subconciously, but deny them conciously" You won't see things until your ready to not be blind anymore. I pray for you and hope you get the answers you need. Do read up on the site as much as you can and spend some time with Dr. Harley's books. There is a great community here to aid you as well. God Bless!