Hello again, after long time. I've been around, reading, but not posting, just felt empty as I feel now too. <p>Last months has been very hectic to me, I'd rather skip them if I only could. Some of you may remember I had to deal with several cancer cases around me - OW and her father, H's uncle (FIL's B), uncle's BIL. Well, all of them died in last 3 months, (including FIL who suddenly died of brain stroke), except OW. She was diagnosed stage IIIC ovarian cancer, and after very radical surgery and 6 chemos seemed to keep pretty well. But few days ago I heard her CT is showing changes on pancreas and is now waiting for MR screening and second opinion from another doctor. <p>Needless to say, H is still confused. I'm positive A is still ongoing: they work together (door to door offices and H is her boss), he refuses to cut contacts with her after working hours, but insits on just "I can't and won't turn my back on her now". I know better, because I stumble over his lies almost every day. He looks straight to my eyes and lies to me, or at least skip telling me, like he didn't tell me her father died 3 weeks ago. When I discovered he was at her parent's house I was very angry, only then he told me I wasn't at her paren'ts place, I was at her F funeral. I went directly to graveyard and simply payed tribute like many others from our company. <p>I would have accept it had he told me when that happened, not 3 wks later, and if he told me the truth. But he didn't - he WAS at her parents house, helping out OW, her M and S, and, to my knowledge, standing beside her at funeral. Of course I freaked out - he has nothing to do with her family! Lies like that I get almost daily. <p>H says he wants us and marriage, if I ask I get I love you's (I mean, he answers "yes"), but don't give me much to build trust. Yes, usually he comes home on time after work, do things at house, however, sometimes he comes 2-3 hours after working hours without any explanation or at least SMS message. I can tell from mileage he drives quite a lot, especially when I'm out for business trip. Since he's company is close to our home, he almost never uses car for work. So, the only explanation I have is he spends time with her (she lives 15 miles away). Basically, I don't know where he goes, what he spends money on, nothing. He acts even hostile if I try to talk about us and this situation. Being typical conflict avoider, he acts normally untill I ask. If I do, he threats leaving, or offers "that's how things are, take it or leave it". But sticks to that he ended relationship with her, both PA and EA and chose us and marriage. Come on, I'm not either blind or stupid!<p>Sugar icing on the cake: few days ago he wanted to talk, was very calm and willing to talk, but what I heard I couldn't believe my ears! Four persons from his dept. should go to training course abroad, four weeks to France, H and OW INCLUDED!!!! AND HE EXPECTS ME TO ACCEPT IT!!
He gave me a number of naive excuses, like this is crucial training, if he doesn't attend he can forget about his job and position, then, he said he explored every possibility to divide this group into two pairs and then go with some of guys instead of her, but there is no such possibility - they have to go all four, and only now, there is no other term ... then he expalined in details that he dosen't need any gossiping and stories coming after him from France, so he won't be doing stupid things... then he said we're not going to be alone ... Didn't I show you that I mean serious about us in this last year since I'm honme again? AND HE REALLY EXPECTS ME TO BELIEVE HIM!! <p>Why on Earth should I? Literally everybody in his company knows about the A, including his boss, and they just turn their heads. Why shoud they keep an eye on them in France? <p>To put it simple, I said -my dear, if you go - I go. I told you when you came back home - go on business trip with her just once again, and I'm leaving. Now, I mean it. <p>Still, he warms my heart, and that hurts. Everything really seems better, and I would give it in, if he only doesn't lie and keep her in the wings. If it's only for her ilness, it's too much for me. If I stay, I won't be able to look my image in the mirror next morning, out of shame and anger (at myself). If I go, I'm maybe messing up. What should I do? I just can't take it. <p>
Adrian
