I know that this is something that has happened to many people through the decades, but when it happens to you, realizing what has occured is a hard thing to swallow.<p>A week before Thanksgiving I (first marriage)found out that my wife (second marriage) of 8 1/2 years was having an affair with one of my best friends. It had been going on for a couple of months.(since I started night school) When I confronted her, she answered all of the questions that I asked. <p>She has since quit her job and moved in with him. We still speak and meet at our house on occasion. I still support her financially (ex.health insurance, car, gasoline)it is what I have always done. She is in marriage counciling by herself (the first 3 sessions) by her request, before we go together. She tells me the same thing that I have read here at this forum. "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you" and "I'm confused right now and need time to sort things out", and is not sure if we are over or if she wants a divorce.<p>I have tried everything that I know to get her to see what is going on. He has proposed to her, offered her things, even wanted to buy her a house. A year ago, he was ready to marry another woman. She cannot see that there is no future in a man like him.<p>He is an alcoholic (supposed to be recovering)and has never held a job more that 2 years. He is a high school drop out and has never finished anything in his life. She even admitted to me that she cannot depend on him to be there for her 3-4 months from now, but she will not consider leaving him to come back to me, even though I am willing to forgive and forget everything.<p>I have studied and worked hard all of my life to make a better life for myself and the ones around me. I have been with her for 11 years. I have known her for 30 years. She has depended on me and even said that she knows that she could always depend on me. I have never abused her or cheated on her, I guess knowing that she would want a sorry S.O.B. like him is what is making it so hard on me.<p>
Is there anyone out there that can give me some help or advice?

Welcome to MB... I've found this place to be a valuable refuge from a terrible, terrible situation.<p>Your story is not unique - I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but it's a simple truth that binds many, many people here.<p>My suggestion is to educate yourself - there's a lot of material here, and a lot of excellent books out there too. "Surviving an Affair" is kind of like the Bible of this site - you can find it in the bookstore. I suggest you read it and re-read it.<p>In the process of educating yourself, you might be tempted to "educate" your wife also. I suggest you resist at all costs. She'll need to educate herself on her own schedule.<p>You'll quickly find that dealing with your wife is like dealing with someone who is insane, or an alien! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Okay, a bit extreme? Sadly, not really. You'll need a new set of skills to deal with the situation. A set of skills that seems totally contrary to human nature in many ways. It means eliminating all angriness, disrespectfulness, demands and dishonesty when dealing with your wife, even during these trying times - times when you'll feel like doing these things the most.<p>The basis for MB is Plan A and B. Read up on them. And the underlying principle is that of patience. If you follow the MB principles, and give it time, you might save your marriage - in fact, I think the success rate is pretty good. In the end, making the effort means that 1. you can feel that you did everything possible to save your marriage, 2. you will understand your part in the situation, 3. if following Plan A & B fail, you will have lost your love for your wife, and will be able to move on successfully as a better & stronger person.<p>That's the promise that's brought me here...
Good luck and keep posting!<p>
P.S. A good friend of mine had a wife who cheated on him with his best friend at the time. Their situation did end in divorce, but my friend didn't know about MB, and there actually was a moment when his wife was willing to do ANYTHING to reconcile with him (just after they divorced actually). It just so happened that he had moved on by then and didn't want to reconcile. (I think that happened about 6-12 months after he learned of the affair.) Of course, all situations are different, as you can see on this board. But it is interesting to see the similarities, and that many behaviors are seen again and again (such as the eventual desire to reconcile).<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Hi C,
I know exactly how you feel. My H is involved with an ex best friend also (she also happens to be my next door neighbor and he is now living there!) You are right...it is hard to swallow. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Have you read about Plan A and Plan B? If you haven't, you can find it on the first page of the site and there is a great thread on it at
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=007757
I hope the link works. This is the first time I have tried it. If not, just type it in the address site and it should bring you right to it. Good luck.
BH
I edited the link and hopefully this time it will work!! Good luck!
bH<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

Do exactly what JR and Brokenhearted have advised you to do. Read, read and reread everything you can about MB and the other books that are recommended. The more you educate yourself about MB principals, the more effective your Plan A is going to be. And please use these boards to vent and ask questions instead of W.<p>Right now there isnt a whole lot you can do for W, but in reality, that is the best thing you can do. Focus on yourself right now and become the best you you can be. Some of us, (I'm probably the most guilty of this) tried to end the A ourselves and tried to win the WS back by playing on their guilt. This doesn't work and only makes a bad situation worse, basically pushes WS further into the OP's arms.<p>One thing you have to realize is that the A has to die a natural death and you cant 'euthanize' it. The secrecy and deception that has made the A so exciting to the players is gone now, reality is going to set in real quick. Some of the negative things you mentioned about OM will probably get magnified now and hopefully W will see him for what he really is. Take a step back and let OM be the one to make the big LB's.<p>Take this opportunity to do some serious soul-searching and critical self-evaluations. Find out what your W's EN's are and how you did or didn't meet them, find out what your LB's are and how they affected you M. The M isn't over yet, you still got a lot going for you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the replies. We have been talking lately, but she will not commit to plan A.<p>Her family is against her at this time. They think that she did me wrong. It really hurts her, but she is still set on staying with him.<p>The up side of all of this is that she has moved almost all of "her" things into a couple of storage areas where "he" is paying the bill. (They did this one day while I was at work.)<p>She sat at this computer one evening and read a lot of the MB letters and advice. She even had me to print quite a few of them so she could read them later. There are many people out there that have the same problems that I have, she seems to realize that "we" are not the "unique" ones like she was probably thinking.<p>Thanks again and anyone that has been in the same situation or a similar one...don't hesitate to let me know your outcome.

Hi again,<p>You made a comment about her not agreeing to Plan A.... woah - that's not even possible - Plan A is about YOU, YOU, YOU!!!<p>She has no say in you doing either Plan A or Plan B! That's what I love about MB - it's about empowerment - to be able to succeed in the face of failure!! And the WS can't take that away from us!!<p>Read up on Plan A some more. Plan A is about eliminating love busting, and trying to meet her emotional needs. The latter does somewhat depend on her. So if she won't let you meet her needs, at least show her ways that you're WILLING AND ABLE to - but not in a pressuring or needy way.<p>Also, you can carry on Plan A, even if you're separated. You can ask for more advice on that from others - my situation is that my wife is still living at home with me, so my Plan A is a bit easier for her to "notice".<p>Having her read MB stuff might be good. Be somewhat careful about educating her too much. If she's willing to read, that's a good sign - my WW has no interest. (Ha ha, she asked me recently, "why have you changed so much and I haven't?" - duh! you haven't tried, my dear!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )

I'm sorry that you are going through this. As the others advised, Plan A is for you, and I agree that you should do Plan A.<p>However, I also think that you should stop paying her bills. She isn't living with you anymore and it sounds like you are already having financial hardship.<p>Let the OM take care of her bills...or let her take care of her own. I see that you are filing bankruptcy on Feb. 5th, due to her quitting her job. It seems like she has a lot of growing up to do. Let her carry her own weight and take responsibility for her actions. It sounds like she needs a wake-up call.<p>Implement Plan A. Be cordial, polite and loving to her. But as I advised, let her be responsible for herself. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

I misunderstood plan A. I was practicing it long before I found MB.<p>As for her bills, I cannot drop the medical until the end of my plan later this year.<p>The other ones are in the air right now.<p>Thanks again. This site helps a lot.<p>Any other replies or advise?

Hi! I'm sorry. I didn't mean the medical. What I meant was credit card bills in her name, pocket money, and such. Hope that helps to clarify!